to think this rude and getting increasingly annoyed by it.

[paddleduck]

I do all the cooking. DH does alot around the house so I don't mind taking on the planning/food shopping/ preparing chores. and if it where left to him it'd be chicken nuggets every night

Very occasionally, I have worked a longer day and then get too tired in the evening to cook. DH gets really frustrated when this happens. .because he has to feed himself - but that's another thread.

BUT this is what is irritating me beyond belief recently. I will cook us all a family meal and shout up to him say 10 minutes before, so he knows. Then I'll shout him again when it's on the table / dc will tell him.

Then Me and dc sit alone eating the majority of our meals without him, and he'll waltz in 10/15 minutes later. I find this so rude. If I've cooked for him, is it too much to ask him to be present to eat said meal when it's on the table, hot and he can engage in family talk? I consider meal times a social thing and I just feel... disrespected. I'm not sure that's the right word. A few times he's had the cheek to ask if it's cold. of course it bloody is

I'm so fed up of it and it's really really starting to bother me. However we have been bickering recently and I'm trying to avoid picking fights and I know he won't listen even if I bring it up.. so before I lose my cool over it - everyone has left the table and he's still not here- AIBU.

By the way - with the fish/BBQ situation, did you finish off the fish in the oven for him?
Because it would be a cold day in hell before I fixed a cock-up that my DH had made because of his own pig-headedness. Particularly if he'd then blamed it on me. 'You ruin everything' FFS.
(Even though I love him dearly)

Boulevard- er..yeah. I did. [Blush]

How do I get this moved to relationships?

We slept in separate rooms last night (for the first time) he was very sheepish when he got up this morning. I couldn't sleep for thinking. We have some fixing to do before this falls apart for sure.

I really really don't want my marriage to be in the shutter before its even really started.

Up on the top right corner of your first post, it says 'report', click on that and type in the box you'd like to move to relationships.

Perhaps if he's acting sheepish, he knows on some level he's gone too far this time? Did he apologise, or make any attempt to talk to you about it?

Still no sign of a verbal apology.. He just gave me a hug and asked if we could be friends again.. said he missed me in bed last night.

He left for work on good terms but I'm still inwardly worrying about the whole situation to be honest.

I think relationship councilling could be really beneficial however it is not something he would go for at all. So for now at least I need think of where we go from here and how I'm going to address this.. I won't brush it under the carpet any longer because I do believe we have a future and are a solid family unit.. so long as these issues of his are resolved and we can work together on them

Have asked for it to be moved, thanks all

He is a very passive agressive control freak.

I would suggest you try some counselling for yourself first to work out your feelings about the relationship and perhaps how you can become more assertive. I'm not saying "You need counselling because you sound crazy!" but it sounds as though your husband has been very unfair and passive-aggressive toward you for a long time. Starting relationship counselling together might be really hard if he uses it as another way to be unfair to you--imagine the ways he might "punish" you for saying something you didn't like in the counselling session, if he's already so petty he rearranges your towels and blames you for ruining his (stupid) fish idea.

Having some counselling yourself first might help you clarify your feelings and build confidence.

I think he sounds like he's being a complete jerk to you and I'm sorry you and your children are being subjected to it!

Please stop apologizing for his bad behaviour. I think you have a chance of working this out but there won't be if you keep bending and trying to placate him while he punishes you for not being him. You need to stand up for yourself now.

You know, in a marriage, you should be able to shout at your partner. In fact, you should be able to go toe to toe and yell at them from here till next week. I'm not saying that's a healthy communication style mind you - but sometimes I lose it, sometimes I shout, sometimes I'm irrational, sometimes I jump to conclusions. Sometimes (whispers) I'm even in the wrong.

At no time do I placate, dance around, walk on eggshells, internally obsess that what I'm doing will make DH do x, y or z. I certainly don't even entertain the thought that I'm not being 'a good wife'.

My point is, in the hurly-burly of marital life, as long as we do our best to be nice to our partners as much as we can, it's normal when that doesn't happen. As long as you can say 'sorry love I was a coo last night', smile and move on, then that's OK.

But that's far from the situation I'm getting from your posts. I see a PA control freak and a placater. Are you happy in those roles for the rest of your life?

Someone else definitely hit the nail on the head up thread

When we met I was very young, and came from a less than ideal home. He immediately took care of me and we were both so very happy. He is known for being so laid back and generally a big kid, fun to be around. . A bit silly. Equally over the last few years as the stresses of family life have emerged, this big kid stuff eeks out as immaturity in our arguments. His needing things to be 'just so' is a complete reflection of MIL that's another thread entirely

I am fiery. I hate to feel remotely stifled or smothered. I have a short fuse (with him) and as I mentioned earlier we do bicker alot recently. .which of course isn't one sided. I am very independent and while DH looked after me when I was young, I think the simple root cause is that my nature grows stronger as I get older. Little by little I need him less. I do not agree with all of his ideas etc and stand my ground. I don't think he knows what to do with himself. Previous years we would not ignore me. . But it seems we have both evolved into stubborn so and sos and cannot back down. With all this said I am a generally reasonable person, and can always understand where he is coming from even if I don't agree - I can look at a situation evenly- see my own faults and apologise when needed. DH lacks this bit.

It is most definitely the case that we met young and are changing as we grow older.. but does this ultimately mean we are doomed? I don't believe it is. Perhaps more difficult. . But then I think people do change continually throughout their lives and so I have to believe it's a case of A) wanting to stay together ..b) growing together and accepting one another and learning to refit when it feels like you don't flow together so easily as you did before. There must be room to reconnect when things become lost. I am unsure if this would occur even if childless, no doubt it would.. but I think having young children tests even the most solid relationships at times.

With all this said I do very much hear what you are all saying. I hope I do not come across the way I read other threads (he's an asshole and the op won't listen or see that it's not her fault) I do not hold myself responsible for his behaviour at all- he chooses to behave that way, regardless of what I may say or do he can still choose not to behave like a dick.

Anything I say that comes across as placating his behaviour please see I am just trying to be reasonable and accept my own shortcomings. I know that I am not always nice either especially after work

I annoy him etc - He has told you this hasn't he!? He tells you this a lot. It's not you it's HIM!!!
I should be more mindful of the things I do that I know upset or irritate him - Why? What do you do that upsets him? You should not be changing who you are now.

He has no recollection of this! - Of course not. He is abusing you. This is called gaslighting - look it up.
I fear I am not a good wife to him right now - He has told you this hasn't he?
refuses to keep quiet and just do whatever he wants to keep a peaceful life - And why should you keep quiet? He doesn't seem to want a peaceful life. What is he doing for this peaceful life that you are striving for?
But I have to apologise for speaking crossly thought right? - No you do not. You are allowed to get cross with someone you know. Especially someone who treats you way your DH does!
You ruin everything - something else I bet he says a lot.
Not turning up on time for dinner - that is controlling!

Seriously. None of this is good. It is all abusive bullying.
Maybe low level but it still is. You need to sit down with him and tell him that his behaviour is abusive and controlling. He needs to recognise this before you can move forward.
As you got together when you were so young it may be very beneficial for you to do the Freedom Programme. Just make sure you aren't missing any other red flags! You can do it on-line.

How would he react if you were recounting this as how someone at work was treating you?

He'd go off it, wouldn't he, that someone was daring to treat the woman he loves so shoddily.

He needs to see that this is not how you behave towards someone you love. He needs to grow up. It's not all fun, fun, fun as you grow up and being in a marriage/partnership requires compromise and understanding on both sides .

He'd go off it, wouldn't he, that someone was daring to treat the woman he loves so shoddily

Ah crap.. yes that's exactly what happened.

Ok ok. I have some serious thinking to do