to think this rude and getting increasingly annoyed by it.

[paddleduck]

I do all the cooking. DH does alot around the house so I don't mind taking on the planning/food shopping/ preparing chores. and if it where left to him it'd be chicken nuggets every night

Very occasionally, I have worked a longer day and then get too tired in the evening to cook. DH gets really frustrated when this happens. .because he has to feed himself - but that's another thread.

BUT this is what is irritating me beyond belief recently. I will cook us all a family meal and shout up to him say 10 minutes before, so he knows. Then I'll shout him again when it's on the table / dc will tell him.

Then Me and dc sit alone eating the majority of our meals without him, and he'll waltz in 10/15 minutes later. I find this so rude. If I've cooked for him, is it too much to ask him to be present to eat said meal when it's on the table, hot and he can engage in family talk? I consider meal times a social thing and I just feel... disrespected. I'm not sure that's the right word. A few times he's had the cheek to ask if it's cold. of course it bloody is

I'm so fed up of it and it's really really starting to bother me. However we have been bickering recently and I'm trying to avoid picking fights and I know he won't listen even if I bring it up.. so before I lose my cool over it - everyone has left the table and he's still not here- AIBU.

What does he have no recollection of?

He's sounding quite PA

He sounds like a massive arse if you ask me.

Is it just meal times he wants to avoid his family for, or other times as well?

But OP he is nasty and he does upset you and he keeps on doing it.

Why should his opinion and wants come before yours?

He sounds emotionally abusive. Getting in a tizz over you getting a towel out?

Do you want to walk on eggshells the rest of your life?

What doesn't he recollect OP? Did he not notice that everyone else had finished eating and left the table?

Does he not recollect you saying family meals are important?

He is a really devoted dad. I can't fault him on that really. And aside from this he is lovely- honest. I love him dearly and we are all a happy family. But it's like these 'quirks' of his get out of control sometimes.

When I told him how I felt re dinner, he said he couldn't recollect being late to the table, but that today he simply didn't come down (despite telling our 3yo he would be when she told him) because if upset him : here's why, another example of petty arguments we seem to have lots recently.

He wanted to bbq the two fish fillets I'd gotten for dinner. I said it really wasn't worth getting the bbq set up for such little food and I'd bung it in the oven with the homemade pizzas for kids. .since oven would be going on anyways. He demanded to bbq and when he proceed to ignore my request not too, I asked him why he wasn't listening to me. I didn't raise my voice but I expect my feelings were conveyed in my tone.

After putting the fillets on the bbq, he storms back in and puts a plate of mostly raw fish on the side, rants about how I ruin everything and goes upstairs.

Maybe I should have just let him bbq if that's what he desperately wanted to do. Perhaps I need to learn to pick my battles

So when I brought up my issue re his constant lateness to the table, he says he has no recollection but on this occasion it was on purpose because of my behaviour.

I sincerely apologised for not letting him bbq/upsetting him/talking to him how I did (i guess obviously being annoyed and a bit exhausted over being ignored again)

I waited for him to apologise for raising his voice. . Stomping off and then ignoring the dinner I cooked (which he ate alone when he came down eventually) he said he had nothing to apologise for and he did so because of my behaviour.

When I said we really needed to resolve the underlying issues, he basically shut down and said he couldn't be bothered.

Fwiw, we've been together 7 years.. married for 4 months. Two under 4. We met when I was 16 and he 20.

Fuck. I can't spend my life like this. Surely marriage isn't like this.

You apologised to him? Really?

He is blaming his shitty behaviour on you. Please look at relationships/Woman's Aid. That is a classic deflection technique. His behaviour is not your fault. It is his. He knows he is in the wrong and chooses to blame you for it instead of be a grown up and apologise to you.

And that argument sounds even more ridiculous than it felt at the time. This whole thing is unbelievable. Am I really arguing over FISH.

I am happy to, and do dedicate myself wholey to the family we have created - while working pt and constantly forging a career for myself. My children are my complete world and do not regret them not one minute. And i have never doubted my relationship until this day, it feels like it's hit me like a train- please dear god tell me how fix this. This can't be my life. There is suddenly a deep niggle in me that wonders if this was too much too young.

You don't come across as too young but he comes across as horribly immature.

It isn't you it's him. His behaviour at mealtimes is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. A grown man behaving like this is totally unacceptable.

The bit about the towels sounds like something from the film "Sleeping with the Enemy".

He was acting like a child. Full on toddler tantrum because you (reasonably) said he didn't need to do something. He got all 'man make fire' and that became more important to him than anything else. I can't (don't want to) believe that you think it was necessary to apologise to him!

I'm sorry, but those actions, and actively choosing to rearrange towels rather than sit down straight away to a family mealtime make him the antithesis to a devoted dad imo.

First thing - stop apologising.

No, marriage and loving, equal, respectful relationships are not like this.

There are a whole host of issues that need addressing in your marriage, but if he is shutting down and not bothered, you can't talk to a brick wall, it takes two to communicate and he clearly doesn't want to.

Please go to the Relationships Board, they will advise and help you.

I guess it's really difficult for me to portray a balanced picture on this whole thing because I'm upset and ofc you are only hearing my aide. I know that his behaviour is unacceptable (at least to me it is) and childish. I apologised because I shouldn't have spoken to him the way I did and I know that given all the recent bickering it's obviously not one sided. I annoy him etc. I should be more mindful of the things I do that I know upset or irritate him.
But I don't think he sees it the same. It is my fault, end of.

I guess it'd be interesting to see what he'd be writing if it were him posting. I fear I am not a good wife to him right now,.. my inner stubbornness refuses to keep quiet and just do whatever he wants to keep a peaceful life. I'm not that person.

I married for life. But I will not stay married because I signed paper, if it isn't working. I will not waste my life nor will I allow a bad relationship to hurt my children. But I certainly will fight to the bitter end for it. I have to believe that this is the 'rough patch' elderly married couples speak of. I swear it hasn't always been like this. .and it's never like this when we are on holiday. . Or its just us. That's also why I think it has to be the stress of parenthood getting to him/us.. We don't release frustration on the children (of course! ) so it ends up directed at each other?

Ohhh I don't know.

I don't understand why you apologised? You don't have to placate him, he is not your boss/superior. He wanted to BBQ, you didn't. You were clear about why the oven was easiest and he stropped off upstairs to punish you for your 'bad behaviour.' I imagine that kind of logic would usually spill out of a 9 year old not a grown man.
I understand that you love him but I think you need to put your foot down. Sulking as punishment is not acceptable way to handle a disagreement. Neither is 'having no recollection.' If it were me, I would simply state my feelings "I regularly cook for you but you do not come downstairs in time to eat it. You redo chores I have done because you get stressed about the way I do things. And you flounce upstairs because I don't agree with you. To save my own stress, I am no longer going to cook for you. I will continue to do chores around the house. If the way they are done annoys you, keep that to yourself, it isn't helpful. And if you flounce away again, I am going to ignore it, as I would if one of kids were having a tantrum. And when you can realise that you are the cause of the row, we can discuss how to move forward."
Keep yourself happy because your husband sounds quite nasty tbh.

But I have to apologise for speaking crossly thought right? Because that wasn't nice if me? And if I were to say I spoke that way because of his behaviour, well.. We'd be going around in circles surely. I will always hold my hands up and take responsibility for my part to play in any upsets. Though I expect the same of him.

You were very young OP when you got together, and he was a bit older. Perhaps he is used to being the one in charge. Time to show him you are an adult too.

Does he apologise every time he speaks crossly to you OP? Every time?

Thought not.

He sounds like hard work. How often does he make you feel like this?

yanbu. my OH does this too - he just eats by the pc every night, occasionally in the sofa with me, watching tv. It annoys me but I've given up the battle. Hoping to resume it when our baby is old enough to join in.

'He says...on this occasion it was on purpose because of my behaviour

There you have it: he admitted to you that he is coming down late to dinner on purpose. I would make a good bet that on every occasion it's on purpose because of your behavior. He is doing this deliberately to be controlling or have 'revenge' on you about some petty issue that you are probably not even aware of.

He sounds like a petty control freak with an unrealistic expectation of the give-and-take that good relationships require. I would guess that when he goes upstairs before dinner he is inwardly seething about some minor transgression that your'e not even aware of e.g. you turned the cans in the cupboard the wrong way around, didn't vacuum underneath some side table or touched a towel in the airing cupboard etc. By not coming down to dinner he feels is getting some control back by showing you who's boss.

So you're right to be annoyed by this because it's not a minor thing. He is a petty man with exacting standards who throws a tantrum and storms off if he can't use the BBQ when he wants. That's what you need to focus on rather than the symptom of him being late down to dinner.

What Averyjessop said.

Hmm, it sounds like he wants everything his own way (even though you have to do most of the work to make it 'his way', for example the towels) and he is trying to passively agreesively punish you for any transgressions.

Doesn't sound great to be honest.

You work PT, it sounds like you're also responsible for the childcare? What about housework? Is that shared so you both have free time? The fact that he's on his PS4 while you're cooking implies maybe not.

You sound like you're continually giving to this relationship, what does he give? I understand you want to fight for your relationship but don't do it at the expense of giving everything you have while he gives nothing. It won't lead to a sustainable future. In fact, you might need to pull back a bit - see if he meets you in the middle.

He told your 3yo he was coming to dinner, and then didn't? He broke a promise to her in order to punish you? That isn't good.

You say you'd 'fight to the bitter end' for your marriage.

Do you think your husband would?

You really ought to move this to Relationships - or start again there. Because there is a lot more to this than H getting absorbed in a computer game and being late for dinner once in a while.

You can try to be as reasonable as you like, taking responsibility for every time you get annoyed with him even when he provoked you into it but it's pointless if he thinks he's always right and uses petty manipulation to punish you. The dinner thing is petty point scoring on his part and no, you shouldn't have to accept it. Sadly it suggests you've married a man who is small minded, disrespectful and convinced of his own rightness at all times so I don't know what the chances are of it improving.
You were both very young, you especially, and it's easy to get carried away before you really know the person. That's true at any age but People tend to grow and change a lot between late teens and late twenties so the people you were at 16/20 might not be the ones you are at 26/30.

It's obviously something more than just being late for dinner. Yes, that is very rude and unnecessary but if you are bickering and unhappy with each other then I would say get some couples counselling. It's very difficult to sort this type of problem out between you as your positions are a bit entrenched and you can't see the wood for the trees!

If it was just the dinner aspect I would ensure it is stone cold and inedible by the time he got to it.