to think this rude and getting increasingly annoyed by it.

[paddleduck]

I do all the cooking. DH does alot around the house so I don't mind taking on the planning/food shopping/ preparing chores. and if it where left to him it'd be chicken nuggets every night

Very occasionally, I have worked a longer day and then get too tired in the evening to cook. DH gets really frustrated when this happens. .because he has to feed himself - but that's another thread.

BUT this is what is irritating me beyond belief recently. I will cook us all a family meal and shout up to him say 10 minutes before, so he knows. Then I'll shout him again when it's on the table / dc will tell him.

Then Me and dc sit alone eating the majority of our meals without him, and he'll waltz in 10/15 minutes later. I find this so rude. If I've cooked for him, is it too much to ask him to be present to eat said meal when it's on the table, hot and he can engage in family talk? I consider meal times a social thing and I just feel... disrespected. I'm not sure that's the right word. A few times he's had the cheek to ask if it's cold. of course it bloody is

I'm so fed up of it and it's really really starting to bother me. However we have been bickering recently and I'm trying to avoid picking fights and I know he won't listen even if I bring it up.. so before I lose my cool over it - everyone has left the table and he's still not here- AIBU.

paddleduck, I agree with you it is rude and disrespectful, you have put time and effort into something and he is not appreciating it particularly as he gets cross when you don't do it. I am not surprised you are upset.

You can try to talk to him, or you can either take the attitude of it's his dinner tough luck if it's cold/ruined or whatever and if he complains just say "tough, your own fault, I called you in plenty of time", or, you can, as others have suggested, call him and say "10 minutes until dinner or it's in the bin/dog" and do it.

If you do manage to talk to him stress the importance of a proper family meal, how good it is for the children for you all to sit and eat together, and how the children would like to eat with their dad as well as their mum.

"He's never doing a job that can't be left- for example he'll dick about on his ps4, then because he hasn't gotten a shower as soon as he went up, he'll jump in and then dinner will be ready as he's just gotten out. Bearing in mind I already shout up ten minutes before without fail- instead of quickly drying and chucking his comfiest on to join us- he'll start tidying the bathroom, folding his clothes, arranging the towels in the airing cupboard etc."

ARRANGING THE TOWELS IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD? The fucker is doing this on purpose. That, combined with his re-doing chores because you're not "doing them right" means he deserves to not have any meals prepared for him ever again. Just stop and make him prepare his own fucking meals!

What an arsehole.

I've had over 20 years of behaviour like this

I ask DH what time he would like to eat & aim towards that. I check before I start the "point of no return" & give him 30min & 10min warnings. In previous years I would then keep the meal ticking along until he was ready but these days we start eating without him. He has improved lately & often turns up just in time to lay the table.

Other annoying habits include stopping 5/6 way through the meal to faff with something. "No no don't throw it way I haven't finished". Usually he comes back, eats two more mouthfuls & has then finished. He usually eats crisps after dinner as well, not because there wasn't enough food but because he became bored eating it

It's a control thing

Just stop cooking for him and read 'Wifework' YADNBU. He's a selfish disrespectful arse.

It is disrespectful. I would tell him half an hour before a meal and then call him down saying its ready 15 mins before you put food on the table.

He's a bit.. ocd. Things have to be a certain way. He gets very annoyed if I've gotten a towel out of the cupboard and he 'can tell' .. It all gets a bit show homey. I'm not messy or unclean. It just isn't to his exacting standards. On one hand it means he does most of the household chores but I feel like he then resents me for it.. but if I do it, it's not up to scratch. .so what do I do?

I can't spend my life like this. I won't. I feel stifled and while I am happy -and do fully dedicate myself to family life, not being able to make descions because he disagrees with my choice makes me feel like I want to scream.

He is never nasty. He doesn't hurt me or intentionally upset me. He just can't see past his own need for things to be perfect. I love him so much and I know how much he loves us..

But dear god. Please, please tell me how I can stop this all now.

I should probably move this to relationships huh.

And if that doesn't work I'd give the food to the dog/Bin if late

Very rude. One day a week i work till 8pm. Dh Cooks that day (i wash up but thAt another argument for another day). He also cooks when I come back and too tried to cook. When too tried I act differently according to dh send collapse onto sofa. Better since I taken iron tablets but start of something I can't do anything. He knows when I'm tried I am tried so cooks the food I bought. Marriage is a partnership.... Dh is not perfect believe me but he a better cook than me.

He can tell if you have taken a towel out of the airing cupboard?!

Yeah, there's a lot going on here.

The late for dinner thing is very disrespectful and inconsiderate, expecting you to tidy to his exacting standards is unreasonable... and 'frustrated' struck me as an odd reaction to you being too tired to cook, what's going on there?

I simply wouldn't cook for someone who wasn't appreciative enough to arrive at the table on time.

Omg. He is being an arse. That's quite controlling really.
And they do say that poison is a "woman's weapon"
Just saying.

Hell yes it's rude. If DH did that I'd be tempted to leave it all un-dished up and tell him to sort it himself when he gets in.

I'd say chuck the lot in the bin, but I don't like wasting food.

OCD or controlling.
He does sound like an arse tbh.

Put it in the bin.
No fuss, stress or anxiety.
Rinse and repeat and then LTFB !

Seriously, I would sit down and tell him you have had enough of this controlling nonsense. He gets irate if you dislodge a towel in a cupboard but cannot be arsed to sit down for a meal you have cooked. He called you an idiot in public. He makes you feel rubbish and inadequate about yourself.

You need to put your foot frown now, or this is the rest of your life. Do you want your kids growing up to be treated like this?

In our house DP and the 4 kids assemble as soon as they are called. Sit and watch while I dish up or help themselves. When everyone is ready we start eating; it's called good manners.

I'm the late waltzer in. Try not to be but sometimes get distracted.

I come from a different culture & don't understand the must-be-punctual thing at all. Not intuitively, anyway. My family were never like that (not extended family, none of them). We had few cooked meals for a decade, anyway.

Is it something to do with how he was raised?

ps: I am also the slovenly untidy informal one. we really are a terrible match!

Do the usual and when he finally appears tell him his is in the kitchen. Put a pot noodle next to the kettle, don't cook for him until he can be more respectful.

OP sounds like there is a lot more going on, a move to the Relationships Board might be a good idea.

You are not being unreasonable. I was brought up to wait at the dining table for meals (on the grounds that you would in a restaurant) and we do this in our family now too at every meal.

If I were you I would encourage your children to berate their father for his poor manners!

OP please repost in relationships.

There is obviously a lot going on here.

On the surface he is bvu and disrespectful by not coming to dinner on time. But I think you need to analyse your overall relationship.

You mentioned OCD. Has he been diagnosed or sought treatment with his gp? Does he have insight into how his condition affects you?

If he wants the housework 'just so' then he is going to have to accept that he does it and not be resentful of you not doing it.

Does he think he is justified in not coming for dinner? Are mealtimes not important for him. They aren't for lots of people and it's not 'wrong' just a different way of parenting. You have to make a mutually agreeable compromise on this aspect of your home life.

And definitely read 'wifework'.

YANBU.

.. so I've addressed this with him.

He appears to have no recollection of this.

Sigh.

Oh that's fine. When you chuck his dinner in the bin or not make it in the first place, you can look at him blankly and tell him that you have no recollection of that...

I'd make myself and the children a hot meal and him a salad. I'd repeat this until he could be arsed to be gracious enough to come down and eat hot food in our company.