Anyone got divorced due to lack of affection?

[tisrainingagain]

Have posted lots about my difficult relationship with h, but the question I wanted to ask here is whether lack of affection (deeply entrenched) and lack of communication (h basically talking to me as little as possible) are good enough reasons to get divorced?

It has got to the point where I have a constant knot in my stomach if he is around because I feel so lonely and so deliberately excluded from his life (while he carries on being very loving to the dc so it is not as if he is incapable of affection).

I think those sound very good reasons to get divorced particularly if the behaviour is over a long period of time.

I don't know your story but is there a reason your DH is behaving like this? Does he want to get divorced?

He is very resentful of lots of things (so am I ). He is very difficult to talk to about anything like this and is generally quite a sulky short tempered character.

His mantra is that I don't look after the house enough but to be honest I think that is an excuse to keep me permanently thinking things might get better soon if I do X or Y, when in reality he does not care about me or want to be close to me.

We went to counselling 2 years ago but he stopped coming after 5 or 6 sessions. He is very very stubborn.

Maybe he does actually want to separate but wants me to initiate it .

I do need to find work etc... but the way things are between h and I mean that I am totally incapacitated by anxiety!

You can get divorced because it's Tuesday.

The way you approach the divorce does differ. Divorce is granted as a result of the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage due to one of five reasons - adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation for two years with consent of both parties and separation for five years without need for consent.

Personally as a non qualified person who hasn't worked at the County Court for over a decade, the reasons you give can be presented as unreasonable behaviour. I suggest you get legal advice or go over to legal and give links to your previous threads.

I should also say that in over ten years at the county court I only ever heard of one divorce being thrown out on a technicality, that divorces are almost impossible to contest and if you just separate now you get the piece of paper after waiting five years and not giving him any option.

I think the question you are really asking is, do I have a right to not be treated this way? My answer: Oh fuck yes you deserve better! A piece of paper saying you are divorced is a bonus but just getting your life away from his is the main point. You can just leave and worry about the legals later.

hth

Absolutely. If you're not happy, you've tried to improve things and to get your H to improve things and you are still not happy, you can get divorced. My ex was mildly emotionally abusive (by mild, I mean he wasn't actively cruel, but was thoughtless, made 'jokes' and wasn't loving or affectionate). I started the divorce based on his unreasonable behaviour, but it's taken so long that 2 years have now passed and I've changed it to a divorce based on 2 years separation instead.

Fwiw, my new DP is very loving and affectionate and I now realise that it's not just 'how men are', my ex and I were not at all suited.

I agree with the PP. You don't need his permission. If you did get divorced it would be for emotional abuse not 'lack of affection. He's using particularly classic emotionally abusive/psychological bullying techniques here. One being to cast blame on you as a way of taking the heat off his bad behaviour. You're quite right.... it's a blatant attempt to manipulate you into wondering how you can be a better wife! His silent treatment is another bullying method as is lavishing attention on the DCs whilst being cold towards you. Everything added together creates the feeling of anxiety & dread - the knot in your stomach - and enables him to exert control.

Joint counselling is a waste of time with an emotionally abusive bully. He's not 'stubborn' but, like all bullies, he has no intention of changing. Why would he? What would he gain? If you've had enough - and it sounds utterly miserable - I suggest you get legal advice and start making plans.

Good luck

The thing is will I then exchange the knot in my stomach due to being ostracised for one due to the awfulness of the divorce process and the enforced separation ftom my dc some of the time?

And whatever other horrible things it might bring?

cogito what would the benefit be to have to exert control in this way? Why is it preferable to being open and affectionate and running our joint life in that way instead?

(genuine question)

As regards future knots in stomachs, no-one has a crystal ball. However, having been the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, I can tell you that you probably don't appreciate right now just how destructive that knot really is. I don't know why you'd be ostracised or by whom but they would be very narrow-minded and judgemental people that you don't need in your life anyway. You may be parted from your children from time to time but, then again, what's really happening to them by being held hostage to a miserable, affectionless, emotionally abusive relationship? What damage is it doing?

On the benefits of exerting control by being a bully.... it makes the bully (usually very inadequate & selfish people) feel superior. There's a concept known as 'predatory self-esteem' which is the action of deriving a feeling of self worth from the unhappiness of others. Being open and affectionate, by contrast, involves a certain amount of generosity and selflessness. 'Give and take' is something a bully is just not going to entertain because they regard people who behave this way as 'weak' and contemptible. An easy target.

So you either play the bully at their own game, stand up to them and figuratively slap them down every time they dare to get out of their box..... or you save yourself the trouble and reject them completely.

Thank you cogito that's very helpful. Another question though a weird one. If and when it does come to me telling him we have to separate, how can I convey to him how I feel and what he does so that he actually understands?

Why should you have to? He's the one that's withdrawn from you.He's had no consideration of your feelings, why consider his? I don't think any amount of explanation will make him see the light. Personally I wouldn't waste my breath.

He will never understand, he's not interested in how you feel, he doesn't care. If you try to tell him he will just ignore whatever you say.

You don't have to make him understand in order to be able to leave. You just have to cut the ties to him.

The truth is you are leaving because he is an emotional abuser. Do you think he's ever going to grasp that? Of course not, he wants to think well of himself.

very interesting thread,my DH has ignored my wishes to go out any days this week for my summer hols..great.I also repeatedly have asked if we share the sleeping downstairs thing all on deaf ears.Today was no exception.He agreed to go to London as he went golfing sat.I got up early and started the chores.Hours later he finally surfaces and starts to help by which time im fed up.I woke our daughter and offered to take her to get shoes as her broke and she is away this week.
She appeared in the most awful short skirt and unironed top.I pointed out she needed to change which made her cross.Hus said nothing although agreed she looked v scruffy.When she came back dressed much better got in thecar was v rude to me at the top of her voice,slammed the car door hard and got out.DD is 17 so old enough.I caught up with her and smacked the back of her legs.DH took her side i duly went and bought shoes on my own.
My point is when the DH thinks he can swear and slam the kids do too(my DS is v quiet and polite.atm.
when i pointed out that mothers day im often ignored.Im the only one asking the kids to help with chores he never tells them off.How long will it be before they all treat me like dirt.I have an "escape fund" and dread the day i have to use it.Im not sure how much i can take of being bottom of the pile.I too feel very lonely especially with 2 parents with cancer and a new bully boy boss

"how can I convey to him how I feel and what he does so that he actually understands?"

If you've been through counselling sessions and assuming you both speak the same language, he knows exactly how you feel. The truth you have to reconcile therefore is that he understands perfectly well but doesn't care enough about you to do anything about it. Which sums up all bullies really.

@whatisforteamum.... I'm not sure what point you're trying to make but when you smack a 17yo on the back of the legs you lose ALL moral credibility. No matter how rude your DD may be, nothing gives you the right to assault her. No wonder your DS is 'quiet and polite'.

I left my husband for similar reasons - he was unaffectionate, uncommunicative and completely lacking in any form of drive. I was the husband and the wife in my marriage, organising almost everything that we ever did as a couple or a family. He was practically mute in the house, and at social occasions. He didn't have opinions on anything, except how much money I was spending.

I have no regrets whatsoever.

Be prepared though - I spent years telling him that all of the above wasn't good enough for me. We went to counselling, and at this point, i.e. the point at which he realised I was absolutely serious about leaving, he promised me the earth. He tried really, really hard to pay me attention. It was all too late for me, and I didn't believe any of it would last more than a couple of months beyond counselling anyway.

So, your H may not go down without a fight. But don't let that stop you - go and reclaim your life! Your kids will get more from you when they're with you, because you'll have less deadweight around your neck. Good luck - and keep posting on here, MN got me through my separation too.

It is this which really hurts, that he doesn't care . It's all a mess. Piesen I think if I tell my h I want to separate, he will just ramp up the ostracism.

dear cogito i agree which is why she was warned and has only ever had a couple of smacks in her life
.My point is if your DH has little regard for you or your feelings he probably wont back you in parenting discipline either.Im convinced the DS is withdrawn but doing very well at school as he sees DH aggressive behaviour and keeps away.No one goes in the lounge except DH as he claims to share but losses his rag if anyone actually puts the tv on what they want or sits on the settee.
Ds also knows of DH porn stash (180) found yrs ago and that hid Dad crushed on into my hand when i broke one he left lying around.Im generally the quiet even tempered one

In which case, OP, he's making it easier for you, and you can leave without an ounce of guilt. Have you started making plans?

*or should I say, ask him to leave.

whatis I am sorry you are walking on eggshells. Have you thought what you would like to do longterm?

I haven't made plans piesen but I did go and see a solicitor a few months ago to get a general idea of my position if it came to it. Basically I think I can't see the wood for the trees.

It was one of the many reasons I divorced exh. It was also a symptom as much as the problem itself.

It was tough, and things are still fairly acrimonious, but it was one of the best things I ever did. I am now remarried to the loveliest and most affectionate men I have ever met. My kids are much happier, I am much happier, and tbh so is my exh, although he spent a couple of years trying to convince me to change my mind.

Missed your post impatience. I am glad things are better for you and that lack of affection is both a symptom and a problem.

I think what terrifies me is the idea that I may regret any decision to separate.