Anyone got divorced due to lack of affection?

[tisrainingagain]

Have posted lots about my difficult relationship with h, but the question I wanted to ask here is whether lack of affection (deeply entrenched) and lack of communication (h basically talking to me as little as possible) are good enough reasons to get divorced?

It has got to the point where I have a constant knot in my stomach if he is around because I feel so lonely and so deliberately excluded from his life (while he carries on being very loving to the dc so it is not as if he is incapable of affection).

Regret is far more likely if you pass up an opportunity to do something to improve your life than if you make a decision for the right reasons and it doesn't work out. Doing nothing is far more stressful than making a mistake.

impatience meant to say I agree that lack of affection is both a symptom and a problem.

Yes doing nothing is very stressful cogito. I keep on thinking that the "doing" I should be doing for the moment is finding work etc.. which I need to do for the future anyway. There is also an outside chance that this will improve the dynamic between h and I. However I can't get past the knot in my stomach and the pain of not having my expectations met re. communication / affection etc...I spend all my time obsessing about this rather than being constructive.

And I feel very very sad that the dc do not have parents who get on better.

He knows you're holding on for that outside chance of things improving. It's the pattern of all emotionally abusive relationships, unfortunately. The bully is quite happy with the status quo because it meets their needs. The victim makes the mistake of thinking the behaviour is all a question of miscommunication and misunderstanding and so keeps searching for the 'magic key'... words, actions, counselling, etc... that will result in the bully realising the error of their ways. And because the victim is so ground down by the bullying there's a big side-order of fear and self-doubt keeping their feet nailed to the floor.

tisraining what would be the harm in getting a job first.At least being occupied stops you over thinking things.Also it would give you both something to discuss and the financial perks too!!.At least then you would know you tried everything you could.My job was a life saver for me and if in the long term things dont work out for DH and i know i have done all i could.My work has seen me through many tough times.

How can the status quo meet the bully's needs though when the bully must be feeling as lonely as the victim?

I am just sick of being ignored and treated like dirt what. Am going to plan how best to separate (after an argument this evening where I got accused of ridiculous stuff - this alongside the generally only answering in monosyllables if I ask him a question and with a totally impassive face - otherwise he just doesn't talk to me).

If in the course of my planning (which I will keep to myself) things shift between us because there will automatically be a change in energy or vibration once I start putting my wheels in motion, then I would be happier if we could get on and stay together. I don't hold out much hope for this though.

I just cannot live without ever being hugged / touched / being able to talk about whatever I need to talk about and hearing words of affection. I have tried for a very long time but I am now sure that it is very damaging for me.

Which sounds pompous I know. What I mean is that I am depressed and anxious and don't want to feel like this any more.

Did he say he was lonely in the counselling sessions? When given the chance to chance to improve communication and affection etc, did he take you up on it? I work on the assumption that if someone is creating a particular environment for themselves by employing certain behaviours and if they are given the opportunity to change it but refuse, then logically they must prefer the status quo.

Yes I am sure you are right cogito but I can't get my head round why they would when it's so miserable. Also why, if h dislikes me as much as he appears to, why he wouldn't do something about separating himself.

I think he is unable to show any affection (or feel it at this point) because he holds too much resentment towards me.

You're miserable and you don't like him much but you have reasons for sticking around that makes sense to you. I knew one woman who was a horrible bully towards her husband and made his life miserable. Asked her why she didn't divorce him and got the reply... 'What? And give him half my house?!'

Yes he is scared of the whole house thing. He is already divorced from his 1st wife and lost the family larger home and was left with a smaller building (shop and flat on top). He is still very resentful of this.

In my case I would be very happy to have a communicative and affectionate relationship if only h would play ball .

Am also very scared of what might happen re. care of kids and of not seeing them up to 50% of the time . I guess h must be feeling the same way.

oh TIS im glad you said about the one word answers i thought it was just my DH.sometimes he almost grunts but i took this to be the opposite of me!! I can talk nineteen to the dozen on lots of subjects.I thought it was a man thing.Also the sulking too.I am quite bossy as i like things to get done but even if i stand back he refuses to join in.Let us know how your plans to leave go.I decided to stay 10 yrs ago as the pain of not possibly seeing my kids all the time was too much for me as i would ve been very unhappy.

yes please do it. Someone v v close to me put up with it for 25 years before finally ending it. I think it took her the first 20 years to figure out it wasn't anything to do with her. like you she thought it would get better if only she ...... Then she gave him a chance to change. ultimately he decided he didnt want to so they separated.

to watch this beautiful, hard working, life loving person being treated like this was fucking awful.

She is much happier and wishes she'd left 15 years earlier. all of her kids have been damaged by the horrendous atmosphere at home. they have all said they wished mum and dad had split up years ago instead of "staying together for sake of kids".

he is happier. she is happier and the kids are happier.

although be aware. she went a bit crazy for the first year. lots of inappropriate relationships etc. Just craving affection from any source at all.

I think I wonder more about his motivation in remaining as uncommunicative and unaffectionate as possible as I consider him to be the unreasonable / difficult person rather than me. I don't have a short temper and would be more than willing to talk about issues in a normal way and not in the horrible shouty way that he does when absolutely pressed.

I would like an equal and respectful relationship. It seems he would like one where I do all the things he thinks I should be doing at which point he may or may not start relating normally. I think the truth is that he is something of a loner whom it suits very well to live in silence (where I am concerned).

Thanks for everyone's posts .

It's quite probable that he cannot relate to a partner in any other way that he is doing now, due to problems within himself. Being a bullying arsehole may be the only thing he knows with regard to adult relationships,

Plus I have the odd feeling that being how we used to be a long time ago is just a reach away. As if a closer more affectionate relationship is just a hand stretch away rather than as impossible as it actually seems to be in reality.

Tisraining, I meant to say, my ex was also a loner, resented being asked to do family stuff or spend time with me eg going for a run or bike ride together, as I would slow him down, or taking the kids when he popped to the shop for milk as it was unnecessary.

Now he lives alone he is much happier as he gets lots of alone time and the kids stay with him once a week so he actually does stuff with them now as he doesn't have the option to just bugger off and leave them alone. They also have a great 'step-dad' who plays cards, instigates water fights and encourages them to go for bike rides with us.

Splitting up doesn't always mean things change for the worse. Ex is happier without having to consider me at all and only having to deal with DCs one or 2 days a week; I am happy in a new loving relationship with a man who chooses to meet me for lunch and spend all his free time with me, dcs are happy to have a more relaxed home life, spend actual time interacting with their dad and have holidays and weekends away (that their dad hated doing & vowed never to waste money on).

The first few weekends I desperately missed my dcs on the night they were away, but now my DP and I get to go out for dinner or cinema, lounge around in our undies with takeaway and sometimes even get a holiday without the dcs which is peaceful bliss (& makes me appreciate them all the more when I get home). You get used to it.

I did have to up my working hours but I became a childminder to fit around my DCs (ex never wanted extra kids in the house so it was an impossible idea before) and the kids I mind are lovely so it barely feels like work. I am financially better off due to being in sole charge of my income, no XH to tell me what I can and can't buy.

I honestly wish is done it years ago. I know not everyone has it so easy, but please don't let fear of the unknown paralyse you, life should be happy.

You might be riget twinkel. He has in the past expressed the opinion that unless people are a bit scared of you they will walk all over you. He is very very mistrustful.

In that case perhaps he needs to jolt of reality to make him realise that he needs to outstretch his hand before you call time on the whole thing. Would the suggestion of a trial separation at least give him something to think about?

Thanks penelope. Will re-read your post and respond properly later as I need to drop my 2 dds at their activity camp.

Yes not sure about the trial separation. I think he would then sulk even more. He is not the type to back down. I suppose it would be "trial" in the first instance anyway as we wouldn't be divorced straight away. I just want my anxiety and knot in my stomach to go away!

Fwiw I used to get terrible stress related tummy problems, regularly spent all night on the loo (every 2-3 weeks sometimes). I tried cutting it out certain foods, stopped arranging family gatherings or weekends away as they would trigger it.

Funnily enough since splitting up 2.5 years ago it hasn't happened once! The stress causing your knot may well just completely disappear once you are settled into a new single life.

I don't want to encourage you to ltb if you really think he can change but it is ALWAYS an option.

Splitting up doesn't always mean things change for the worse will try to hold on to this thought penelope.

I just need a mental mantra or "hook" to hold on to so that I don't become incapacitated by h's behaviour while I am trying to sort myself out.

(Meaning anxious and depressed because in some way I cannot get my head round the fact that he doesn't love me - and is short tempered and difficult to boot).

Shamelessly bumping own thread in case anyone has any more pearls of wisdom .