What is normal for your family?

[PleaseHelpHimToUnderstand79]

Hello all,

I would really appreciate your advice/input. My husband and I are really struggling in our relationship at the moment. We have been together for almost 16 years and have 2 children and it hasn't been an easy ride to be honest.

If you don't mind sharing, could you please tell me how your partners are involved in day to day chores, childcare etc?

Without waffling on, the (condensed!) reason why I am asking is because this seems to be a massive bone of contention between us.

As a bit of background, I had a good career until several years ago when I developed ME and just this Monday I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. My husband works Mon-Fri and gets home by 7pm.

I feel terrible guilt about my illnesses and push myself to do a lot more than I probably should. I keep quiet most of the time about the extent of how exhausted and in pain I am in day to day, I understand how hard it can be on the whole family so I try to minimise that as much as possible.

I am at home with my children (who are 7 and 3) and I do everything day to day, the school runs, the cleaning, washing, general housework, oldest's homework, their dinner, and all the usual. Come 4pm I am exhausted but push through because what's the alternative? When my husband gets home, he takes over. Bathes the children every other night, takes them to bed and cooks dinner/washes up. Then walks the dog (which for years was my job, until I asked him to take over as I was struggling with doing that on top of everything else).

I am very grateful for what my husband does. He knows this. However, for the last year or so, we have been arguing a lot - we are both tired and stressed. My husband seems to have a lot of anger towards me and this is when it comes out. He says he resents doing all the bedtimes etc all the time and nobody elses partner does what he does, whatever argument we have always turns into this issue. I am very grateful for what he does and have told him this several times, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to him.

He also gets the children up with him in the morning when he gets up for work and gives them breakfast before he goes. Again, I am appreciative of this.

But he refuses to believe that other dads do any of this. Family life is hard work. I try to take the burden of everything else by doing it myself but it never seems enough, I'm not quite sure if he gets it that other families also have the same struggles (without the added complication of these bloody illnesses).

God, sorry, I really have waffled. But it's at the point where I feel like he really resents me and our life and I just don't know what to think anymore. Could you please tell me what is normal for your family and how stuff is divided?

Thanks if you made it this far!

*I'm in

I think the first thing to do is get your benefits sorted You must be entitled to them if it is so bad you are crying as you do things I have been there it is soul destroying. My dp did everything as well as work when I was in the thick of it and he was exhausted and although he is not a complainer it did cause tension. You need to be 100% honest with him tears and all about how you feel sometimes just offloading that helps. I now tackle my illness a bit like a job and literally manage everything and if I need help I ask. Do you sleep and are you getting all the vitamins etc you need? I do think you should get DLA from what you say. What are your doctors like?

DH does most of the morning routine with the kids - breakfast, getting them dressed, school run 3/5 days. He cooks roughly half the time. Often puts the kids to bed. Does more days out and park trips with the kids than I do. He does equal amounts of washing, housework etc.

I have a health condition that comes and goes in cycles. When I am ill, he does everything.

I've had ill health this year so dh has had to do a lot at times, I often stop and imagine if was him who was ill and I know if be happy to do it all if he couldn't.
Dh often does a big clean up on his day off if I'm at work but it's nice then because we can share dinner and bedtimes then get some much needed relaxing time together.
Have you asked him if he minds doing more.
I do find family life and work extremely arduous at times but I've got older chikdren so know it gets easier.
Dd is 3 and we are currently on holiday and although she's still hard work it's definitely easier than last year!

The tension mainly came from my guilt he never ever was anything but lovely. But I felt so guilty that I made things awful sometimes

I'm sorry you are both unwell too. It's shit isn't it

Benefits I am fighting for, down to the job centre on Monday and waiting for this appeal letter to arrive in the post. I absolutely hate it.

I have over the years, right up until last night, been in tears trying to explain. He says he gets it. But then it doesn't ever seem that he actually does. I don't know how many more times I can go through it with him.

He will have to get it as both those conditions are lifelong although they do have periods of remission. Have you worked out what triggers really make you worse? This is key to managing it all. I think your GP should assist you here. Go to him/her and be brutally honest tears and all.

God noddy my gp is next to useless. I can't even tell you the amount of screw ups and lack of care they have been responsible for over the past couple of years. Now that I have my crohn's diagnosis, the next step is to change surgeries and try to get some good support with coping with all of this.

Dr Google has been my friend throughout it all!

Do you have any close friends nearby? I bet there would be some who would be happy to help out and give you a breather even so you and dh can go for one drink in a pub garden or cook a shepherds pie or something so that you can all just sit down. Soon the 7 yr old will be able to get them both ready for bed and do a story. it will improve as they get older and you get some support.

I don't make too much if a song and dance about bedtime tbh. I'm a good mother and they have a great life, a long bedtime story and faffing is not going to improve on that.
I learnt that from having five kids.
Quick bath and into bed in my house!

I am holding onto that thought of the light at the end of the tunnel...never thought I would pray for the teenage years to be honest!

He does give himself hard work with the bedtimes, that's exactly what I say about faffing about too. He will wait until the 3 yr old is asleep and then wait another 10mins (usually lying there on his phone). She is fine to be left while sleepy, but he just doesn't want to do it. He does baby them when it comes to that. Although I do understand, there is nothing nicer than cuddling a little one to sleep and I can see the appeal!

have you looked at www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/?

Also, if he is going to do something then leave him to do it his way. It may not be your way but it is his way.

Can you tell him about how you felt when you were doing everything before?

Even if he does think that it's a stay at home parent's "job" to take care of all the housework, majority of childcare, etc (and I don't believe that it is, but just for a minute to assume that is a fair assumption) - he presumably values this work as being as valuable as working outside of the home. Therefore, he must understand that since you are too ill to work currently, you are also too ill to undertake everything in the home and therefore he must take on a fair chunk of it, because it is not possible for you to do it all.

I am really upset by the thought of you pushing yourself with tears in your eyes to do something and I would love to help you out, and I don't even know you - please please be honest with your DH about how you feel. Write him a letter perhaps? You need to tell him how hard you are trying just to keep an even keel. If he cares about you, which I'm sure he must, he wouldn't let you keep struggling like that and he would understand that even if he feels anger and resentment at the situation it is not fair to push that anger and resentment onto you.

Some of your posts allude to more going on than you are willing to say here.

What I will say is that women with disabilities are more likely to suffer domestic abuse as they are more vulnerable.

Your life sounds so difficult and I really hope you can sort some things out, especially with the financial side. I know how stressful that is.

I just wanted to say, it sounds like, if I have read correctly, that your dh is on the go from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed. He sorts the children out in the morning, goes to work and sorts them out when he gets home. Usually in these situation it is asked whether the parent in that situation gets any time to themselves.

Yes he may be being a bastard at the moment but could he have a guaranteed period of time to himself at the weekend to recharge? Also, i hope you lie down when your youngest is at preschool?

You have ME/Crohns and your H needs to deal with it. And you need to make him aware of how tired you are or you will risk making yourself even more ill. Please talk to him before it is too late. On the bright side, hopefully it will get a bit easier when your three year old goes to school.

Good morning everyone,

God, you lot are just so bloody lovely. I can't thank you enough for all your posts and viewpoints, I have read every single one and taken them all onboard.

Bertie Can I keep you??

This will probably be my last post as I'm feeling more upbeat this morning and I don't want to drag this thread out.

Just to reassure you, although we have had many problems, domestic violence has never ever been one of them. Mostly they have been trust based and lack of responsibility based, he has sought and gone through counselling for them as they are quite deep rooted and had quite an impact on our relationship. I have probably put up with a lot more than most but I have chosen to stand by him because we both do actually love each other very much. It just always seems to be a work in progress.

I am always trying to encourage dh to get some time for himself, today in fact I am taking both dc to a party where I can sit down, gossip and eat cake and he will have those couple of hours free!

An update for you anyway, we did talk last night. He came home and apologised for the way he was being towards me. He said he had been thinking about what I had said and agreed that it wasn't fair to take it out on me, he understood just how much I do and how hard I find it. And he appreciates it. I also apologised for my part in the argument, and I am hoping that now we have agreed to communicate better that this resentment we both seem to have won't be so much of an issue.

I definitely have to learn to show my weaknesses, I promise wally! Most of my friends don't even realise how bad I can get, I am the most smiley and chatty person on the school run and have become a master of putting on an act. Nobody would ever guess. I suppose that I'm ashamed of it, not a lot of people understand and I just want to avoid having to keep explaining it. Also having people say 'oh I get tired too, I wonder if I have ME' Happens quite a lot! Sometimes keeping it quiet is the path of least resistance, although I now recognise that it's not the most sensible. I will try to become better at asking for help. We don't have very much practical support at all, but I did have a little cry on my mums shoulder and she has promised to help out with the dc in the holidays (she is a teacher, so I will take full advantage).

Thank you all again!

Oh, and for all those who asked (I keep missing stuff out, sorry), I promise I do rest when my 3 yr old is at nursery. I try to do everything in the other parts of the day so that the child free time I do get, I literally do nothing but rest. And watch trashy tv on my catch up! I just have to try and pace myself so that I'm not rushing around so much in the other parts of the day. My 7 yr old is such a help too, she will always tidy away toys for me if I ask or can see I'm struggling. I just don't want her to feel like she has to worry about doing any more than she needs to.

Regularly shouting at you is domestic abuse. Haranguing you for being ill is domestic abuse. He doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusing you.

You're going to get very ill indeed, practically comatose, if you keep doing what you're doing. He sounds like a bully to me.

Why did you do all the domestic work when you were both working full time? You sound constantly guilty, apologing for taking up space, existing (being ill). He agrees that you're a waste of space, a drain. Stop apologing for being ill, stop covering it up. If you know anything about ME you will know that pushing yourself when you are exhausted will worsen your symptoms in record time. Even I know that and I don't know much about ME. I'm not surprised you are ill with the constant stress of apologising for existing. Where did you get the idea that women are required to behave like this, to be the pack donkey for their family?

Yes it's tough when one of a couple is ill but that's how it goes, nobody's fault. He would do well to pick up the flack when things are tough - as you did. He fell asleep with the baby so you'd never ask him to do it again. He expects a domestic slave but where did you get the idea that was your role, that it was acceptable for him to expect that?

If you keep doing what you're doing, pushing yourself on a daily basis when you're in tears with exhaustion, he will be doing it ALL. As you were previously. Did you shout at him when you were doing everything? Or did you apologise for that as well?

You need to have full benefits for someone with TWO life-limiting illnesses, which should pay for outside help. Will he shout at the help? If you keep doing what you can't do you won't qualify, but you will literally drive yourself into the ground.

OP, I have very similar health problems to you, and my DH works the same hours BUT my DH does a lot more than yours does AND he never moans about it, or chucks it back in my face. He also cycles an hour there and an hour back, which is knackering. He genuinely believes, and knows, that I am his equal, and that he is fitter and more able to do stuff than me so it would a disgrace if he didn't pull his weight, or, indeed, do more than pulling his weight. His belief, which I have shared on MN many times to women whose OHs are whinging about doing housework: if he lived alone, he'd have to do 100% of the housework. Therefore, ANY housework I do means that he's in a winning situation.

He WANTS to spend time with our son. He WANTS his house to be nice. He WANTS us to be a team, a partnership of equals. He WANTS to be a responsible adult. He's nowhere near perfect, he's just a mature, decent adult.

Your Oh does sound abusive. Abuse does not have to include the slightest hint of physical threat. And if not actually abusive, then a right arsehole. He should be on his knees weeping with awe and gratitude for how much someone as ill as you manages to do, not whinging like a spoilt brat that he's expected to actually do something for his kids, do a bit round his own home, and be supportive towards his life partner. What he is doing is the basics that any woman, ill or superhealthy, should utterly take for granted, not some downtrodden, put-upon, taken-for-granted Herculean achievement that he needs to be thanked for and apologised to for him having done it.

I do feel guilty and apologetic about being so ill all the time, but he tells me not to be daft. If you keep apologising and keep pretending that nothingis wrong, then people are not going to appreciate how hard things are or how rough you feel. That doesn't make anything he's doing okay, not for a second, but if you keep essentially lying about how awful you feel, then you are going to look like you're being lazy or cheeky. I understand that urge to just look 'normal', but you have to think about the bigger picture, which is having your needs met, and having your health issues supported as much as possible, not only for yourself, but for your Dc to have a mummy who isn't half-dead.

ask DPN about direct payments for a personal assistant - I've had this for years as I have MS

OxfordBags - well said and

If you could bear to open up to people at school/nursery you might be pleasantly surprised. If someone I knew with kids the same age as mine was struggling, and I could make time to help, I would certainly be offering to have your 3 year old over for lunch/till school pick-up, or whatever. If you never ask for help it is very hard to do so, but once you have you will be surprised. People genuinely like to help others, honestly. Not everyone, granted, but the vast majority of people.

I agree, NoSquirrels. People even want to help people who don't have unusual circumstances. A friend and I frequently, if irregularly, share preschool pickups because it's so deathly dull waiting around in the playground between preschool finish and school finish.

Sometimes something which is a massive favour for the recipient is really hardly no trouble at all for the giver.