What is normal for your family?

[PleaseHelpHimToUnderstand79]

Hello all,

I would really appreciate your advice/input. My husband and I are really struggling in our relationship at the moment. We have been together for almost 16 years and have 2 children and it hasn't been an easy ride to be honest.

If you don't mind sharing, could you please tell me how your partners are involved in day to day chores, childcare etc?

Without waffling on, the (condensed!) reason why I am asking is because this seems to be a massive bone of contention between us.

As a bit of background, I had a good career until several years ago when I developed ME and just this Monday I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. My husband works Mon-Fri and gets home by 7pm.

I feel terrible guilt about my illnesses and push myself to do a lot more than I probably should. I keep quiet most of the time about the extent of how exhausted and in pain I am in day to day, I understand how hard it can be on the whole family so I try to minimise that as much as possible.

I am at home with my children (who are 7 and 3) and I do everything day to day, the school runs, the cleaning, washing, general housework, oldest's homework, their dinner, and all the usual. Come 4pm I am exhausted but push through because what's the alternative? When my husband gets home, he takes over. Bathes the children every other night, takes them to bed and cooks dinner/washes up. Then walks the dog (which for years was my job, until I asked him to take over as I was struggling with doing that on top of everything else).

I am very grateful for what my husband does. He knows this. However, for the last year or so, we have been arguing a lot - we are both tired and stressed. My husband seems to have a lot of anger towards me and this is when it comes out. He says he resents doing all the bedtimes etc all the time and nobody elses partner does what he does, whatever argument we have always turns into this issue. I am very grateful for what he does and have told him this several times, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to him.

He also gets the children up with him in the morning when he gets up for work and gives them breakfast before he goes. Again, I am appreciative of this.

But he refuses to believe that other dads do any of this. Family life is hard work. I try to take the burden of everything else by doing it myself but it never seems enough, I'm not quite sure if he gets it that other families also have the same struggles (without the added complication of these bloody illnesses).

God, sorry, I really have waffled. But it's at the point where I feel like he really resents me and our life and I just don't know what to think anymore. Could you please tell me what is normal for your family and how stuff is divided?

Thanks if you made it this far!

I think he is doing what a husband and a father should do given your health situation. Maybe you both need a break is there anyone who can help with this?

You have a crisis here because with your health, it will take a while for everyone to adjust, so give it time and weather the storm.

Am on maternity leave with 3rd, so I do all the cooking, cleaning & kids stuff and house/family admin. He does some shopping, sometimes take kids out evenings for bike rides, he helps with bathing and putting kids to bed, and sometimes does washing up. At weekends, Saturday he takes DC 2 to football, then goes shopping while I take DC1 to ballet and cook lunch. I do something with kids in afternoon. Sunday morning he takes them swimming while I clean. Sunday afternoon we do something as a family.

When I worked full time I did morning school run but would not get home in time for bed 3 times a week so he did the cooking and bed time those days, I did all the other days. I would always help clear up even if I hadn't actually eaten the food. When I work he does more Childcare but I do pretty much everything else.

Our system is not perfect but we muddle on. Our bone of contention is that I want to get a cleaner when I return to work because honestly, working full time in London with a long commute and 3 kids is a bit much. I don't enjoy housework and am rubbish at it and he does none.

I get upset when my husband shouts at me

Even if you didn't have two chronic health conditions, and sat on your arse all day eating Hobnobs and watching MTV, he still shouldn't shout at you and make you feel small.

It rains like you are both under pressure and it's hard on everyone. I, too have a health condition that leaves my DH doing the bulk of the evening chores and picking up a lot of slack. Luckily our dc are older. It is hard. I also do lots of appreciation but hate it when he sighs or says 'what now?'.

Last year I did a Pain Management course which was very helpful. I know thee are similar courses for CFS and ME. Essentially the focus was on Mindfulness and pacing. If you plan and pace very carefully you will get more done and feel better than just trying to push through and get everything done in one go. I highly recommend this.

As your Crohns is a new diagnosis there should be plenty of scope for you to feel stronger around those issues. I imagine you are having treatment and supplements?

I don't like my DH to come home and find me lying down every day so I plan it that I have a rest before that so I have a bit more energy for the early evening. Does he go out for the odd evening? Or go out together occasionally? It is nice to leave the drudgery behind sometimes.

An finally, if you haven't done so already, apply for PIP ( formerly DLA). It takes forever but is backdated. From what you say you should qualify and could bring in the extra needed to pay for additional help.

Good luck.

OP I agree with what others have said about batch cooking and making the whole dinner process slicker. Find some one pot meals - chilli con carne, tagine, curries - that all the family will eat. Then batch cook them - you could do this yourself at the start of the week. Decant into serving portions and freeze. Then all you have to do in the evening is microwave and boil some rice or other accompaniment.

I think perhaps just this one thing would improve relations with your DH as cooking isn't just the hassle of putting it together it's all the mental effort of planning it in advance.

I know. The anger thing is an issue anyway, there is a lot of background stuff that I don't really want to go into (sorry) just because it complicates everything.

I think somebody asked me what I want from him. In all honesty, I don't want him to do any more than he is already. All I want is for him not to keep throwing it in my face all the time. If I were better and working f/t, obviously I would share the evening routine with him. But on the other hand, he would have to do his share of all the other responsibilities that I currently take on. So the workload would be still be there, it would just be comprised of different tasks. I'm just tired of feeling guilty the whole time.

I hope that makes sense, I can barely think straight today.

Re the cooking. I would like to point out that anything that requires actual 'creating' I do during the day. Then it is just heating up and boiling up some pasta/veg/whatever and serving that dh needs to do. Otherwise it is just quick and easy stuff like omelette or soup.

Honestly I'm not sure anyone who has posted as really understood the lack of energy that ME gives you. Typically ME sufferers have 5 - 10% of their original energy levels (or 45 - 90 minutes a day of not being in bed). My ex (and not ex because of this) could literally be out of bed for about 1 hour a day. He chose that when I was at home in the evening.

I think the question for the other posters should be - how should I spend my one hour a day?

You need to be having a lie in, then a rest (in bed) before lunch, a rest (in bed) in the afternoon. Sitting to play with your kids. No driving, no shopping, no nothing. Every day, day in day out. Here is a link to some typical sufferers stories

This is not about who does what, this is about you doing nothing, no batch cooking, no cleaning, no ironing. Maybe a bit of folding during your one hour of activity. Sorry I know this is not what you want to hear, but you are only going to keep getting worse if you keep up with anything like the normal load of day to day life.

You need to learn to listen to your body, which it would seem that you are spectacularly failing to do, and the consequences are going to be grim.

But he refuses to believe that other dads do any of this.

I have to comment on this. Is his problem that men don't do this? It sounds sexist, TBH. Because many, many women do.

I worked away from home, full time, with at least one hour commuting each way, and I would do most of what yours does, except cooking. (but I do it ALL now because I am a single mum and still work FT)

You could make him aware that you having ME, if he mistreats you, he could end up as a single dad doing the entire load for most of the week instead.
Because shouting at you is unacceptable.

Thank you wally. I did type out a whole long response just before you posted, saying that the thought of doing a load of cooking during the day on top of my usual responsibilities made me want to cry. But I deleted it because I didn't want people to think I was being obstructive to receiving advice. It is so hard this illness,you really do have it spot on and I know it is very difficult to understand from the outside.

Lweji I totally agree with you. I'm worn down and starting to lose sight of what is reasonable.

Is there any counselling/support groups available to both you and your DH? It sounds like the support you need (and your DH needs) is emotional as much as practical. Chronic illness is difficult to come to terms with.

Have you applied for DLA as suggested by a previous poster? And have you looked into Homestart (support for families with children under 5)? All these are worth exploring.

Your DH doesn't do more than his fair share. You also probably need to knock off doing food prep stuff during the day - if cooking is his job then you don't need to be involved, concentrate on retaining some energy for yourself. Whilst your 3 year old is at nursery, please rest!

During a typical week, I do the baths for those who still need help and we divide up the bedtimes between us. I do most of the cooking and dh does the evening washing-up.

If I'm not feeling up to it (illness or late pregnancy for example), then dh does the lot.

If dh isn't feeling up to it (back problems that flare up now and then) I do it all.

I think your dh needs to forget the rubbish about 'fathers should do X and mothers should do Y'. It should be about what a parent does, regardless of their gender.

We have talked about counselling, last night funnily enough. The problem is that we just can't afford it, plus I am worried it will bring all our resentments to the surface and it will be too hard to recover from.

I had been receiving ESA, but only yesterday they rang me to inform me that the assessor I saw for my medical didn't give me enough points, despite my condition worsening, so they were stopping any payments with immediate effect. I am worried sick about that as I don't know how we will cope without it while we appeal against the decision. I spent all yesterday sobbing, it feels like a constant battle to prove myself.

I'm really never this negative, honestly I'm not. This week has felt like I have received blow after blow and I'm tired of no matter what I do it never feels like enough.

I think my dh's point isn't so much a gender divide one, more so a working parent vs a stay at home parent. Not that I am defending him at the moment

It is harder when the what is wrong with our partner is not obvious like an injury and the other person is not fully aware of how you feel.

My exH had social anxiety and he (reportedly) felt very tired sometimes (from panic attacks).
One of the issues for me was that he'd declare at the last minute that he was tired (or not hungry...) and that he wasn't going to prepare dinner.
I wouldn't have minded making dinner if he had told me a bit earlier how he felt, instead of being grumpy.
(he was also a twat)

So, I don't know if this applies to you, but, and speaking from the other side, it helps to have good communication. You don't have to be brave and damage yourself while trying to be strong and do more than you can.
But it could help if you let him know how you feel and what you need him to do.

Hi im so sorry you are ill.Parenting can be hardwork for anyone without the added stresses ill health brings.It sounds like you did all the chores before( i made it clear to dp chores would be shared from day one) so now your dh finds it hard work to pull his weight now the dcs are here.
It does sound like he helps alot especially before and after work.The thing is we all go through this phase of bickering when the kids need everything doing for them but before you know it they can bath themselves and put their pjs on.We just used to acknowledge that we were tired and hence the bickering

disabledparentsnetwork.org.uk/

ask them what help you can get
good luck

I'm probably the polar opposite to your ex Lweji.I'm so over concerned about being a burden that I have become a bit of a people pleaser and over compensate by trying not to be a pain.

You could be right about the communication issue though, as I'm so worried about being honest about my limitations that I will say 'I'm fine, don't worry, just a little bit tired today' when really I feel like I have been hit by a truck. And dh won't say anything to me about how he feels about things until he blows up and uses it all against me in an argument. It's a bit of a mess really.

Thank you whatis and julia

I'm probably the polar opposite to your ex Lweji

I realise that. :) My point is that your OH may not notice how tired you are because he cannot guess it.

I think that there is still a deep rooted belief in lots if us that women should be responsible for childcare and housework.
It's inherent even in younger people.
I'm a total feminist and dh does loads if childcare and housework but I often feel slightly guilty or find myself saying thanks for cleaning his own damn house or caring for his own kids!! Wtf is that all about?

I honestly don't think that saying,'Thank you' is a problem. I did some dishes this morning - dp said thank you. He cleaned the loo - I thanked him. Just as he'd thank me if I made him a cup of tea, or I'd thank him for cooking dinner.

I think you might be right. I have tried to explain it to him several times but I think he finds it hard to bear in mind day-to-day. It's so hard isn't it.

I think part of my issue is that I feel a bit because for years I took on so much stuff because he didn't pull his weight. I breastfed both dc as babies and he never once did a night feed. The only time I asked him, out of pure exhaustion, to hold the baby while I got an hour of sleep (at about 11pm) I couldn't relax as I knew he wouldn't stay awake. Sure enough I walked into the living room 15 mins later and he was sat on the sofa snoozing away with our 6 week old dangling over the side. That's just one example. I did everything, and I had ME then as well.

So it does rankle a bit now that he is helping out and using it as ammo against me when I did everything alone for so long and he was happily sitting on his backside and watched me do it all. It doesn't feel fair to me.

I'm sorry, I'mmin whinge mode.