What is normal for your family?

[PleaseHelpHimToUnderstand79]

Hello all,

I would really appreciate your advice/input. My husband and I are really struggling in our relationship at the moment. We have been together for almost 16 years and have 2 children and it hasn't been an easy ride to be honest.

If you don't mind sharing, could you please tell me how your partners are involved in day to day chores, childcare etc?

Without waffling on, the (condensed!) reason why I am asking is because this seems to be a massive bone of contention between us.

As a bit of background, I had a good career until several years ago when I developed ME and just this Monday I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. My husband works Mon-Fri and gets home by 7pm.

I feel terrible guilt about my illnesses and push myself to do a lot more than I probably should. I keep quiet most of the time about the extent of how exhausted and in pain I am in day to day, I understand how hard it can be on the whole family so I try to minimise that as much as possible.

I am at home with my children (who are 7 and 3) and I do everything day to day, the school runs, the cleaning, washing, general housework, oldest's homework, their dinner, and all the usual. Come 4pm I am exhausted but push through because what's the alternative? When my husband gets home, he takes over. Bathes the children every other night, takes them to bed and cooks dinner/washes up. Then walks the dog (which for years was my job, until I asked him to take over as I was struggling with doing that on top of everything else).

I am very grateful for what my husband does. He knows this. However, for the last year or so, we have been arguing a lot - we are both tired and stressed. My husband seems to have a lot of anger towards me and this is when it comes out. He says he resents doing all the bedtimes etc all the time and nobody elses partner does what he does, whatever argument we have always turns into this issue. I am very grateful for what he does and have told him this several times, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to him.

He also gets the children up with him in the morning when he gets up for work and gives them breakfast before he goes. Again, I am appreciative of this.

But he refuses to believe that other dads do any of this. Family life is hard work. I try to take the burden of everything else by doing it myself but it never seems enough, I'm not quite sure if he gets it that other families also have the same struggles (without the added complication of these bloody illnesses).

God, sorry, I really have waffled. But it's at the point where I feel like he really resents me and our life and I just don't know what to think anymore. Could you please tell me what is normal for your family and how stuff is divided?

Thanks if you made it this far!

It sounds like he's pulling his weight and picking up slack, you're both exhausted, pushed to the limit. It's not like he's doing all of this while you swan around watching Jeremy Kyle and lunching and ringing a little bell is it?

So I'm at a loss tbh to see why he feels so angry and resentful, unless he believes that really everything should fall down to you with him getting loads of leisure time. The thing is that although this is grossly unfair a lot of families do live like this! And even where the spread is more even, often there is less work to be donelealeaving both partners with leisure time. Long hours, two children (one still under 5) and disability adds up to a life which is a lot of work, even for two people.

In the interests of sharing. I work part time, 3 mornings + 1 evening a week. DH works full time. He does morning + school run on those 3 days, and often helps motivate/wake up ds on the other 2 days (he's old enough to get up himself at the weekend). He does bedtime every week on the one night I work and then bedtime maybe 2/3-1/2 of the rest of the time. This is recent because I was a single mum for DS' first 2 years so did all bedtimes myself and he wanted me. Cooking and childcare at the weekend is 50-50. We often do housework as a family at the weekend so he does a fair bit then too. He probably does more than me overall.

Thank you for all your suggestions, I am taking it all on board. Money is very tight so anything that costs is unfortunately out of the question. My kids are fussy eaters but we do try to get them to eat what we are (pasta sauces etc ). We eat a lot of salad/veg plus chicken normally, so stuff that can't be cooked in advance, although i do roast a chicken and we all eat from that.

You DH does a lot more more than mine, a lot more.

However, our situations are very different

1. My DH is out 6.30 am to 8pm, so rules out bathtime
2. And this is the most important one, I am not suffering from ME and crohns!

You are ill. Your husband had to increase what he does. No doubt he has a lot on, and as long as you recognise this, then he has no grounds for being pissy with you. In fact, that is really quite rotten of him.

DH does bathtime, takes her for a few hours before work each morning (she's 6 months old and doesn't sleep much!) and does general tidying and cleaning on the weekend. I do everything else but I don't work and am perfectly healthy.

My mum had ME whilst I was growing up, to me it sounds like you're doing an awful lot.

What would you like him to do?
Is there any way you could stretch to a cleaner? Do you get anything like disabled living allowance that would pay for some help with housework? what about a dog walker on alternate days?

I think your routine sounds quite normal.
My DCs are older- in fact they have left home now.
But not too long ago I posted here asking for support ( have since NC) because DH did/does nothing domestic at all.

I've always worked p/t since having DCs.
DH used to work long hours- certainly till 7pm and often later with overseas travel.
I used to work on average 3-4 half days a week - mornings.

I did everything except a supermarket shop which he did sometimes as I'd had an op and couldn't lift/push heavy stuff.

I did all housework, cooking, meal planning, breakfasts,taking DCs to school,helping with their homework etc., laundry, ironing, bed changing.

He'd do DIY, lawn mowing, sorting the bins.

I would often cook 2 evening meals because DC1 and I had food intolerances and it made it almost impossible to cook 1 dish for all 4 of us.

Now that the DCs have gone, we have had to re negotiate the chores because I am still working ( from home mainly on 2 businesses- I'm almost 60) and DH was using the place like a hotel.

Not sure how this helps but as your DH is out of the house not sure what else he could do....

He probably does a reasonable amount more than my husband.

But I'm not sick.

How does what he compare to others who have a spouse with a chronic illness? He's not being very fair, is he?

The problem is being grateful.
Of course, it's right and healthy to credit your partner and show appreciation, but that's not the same as being grateful...which implies favour doing and going beyond the call of duty.
My dh pitches in same as yours when he's here. It's not an issue.

is your 3 year old at Nursery? as money or not its free now! This should give you some R&R

you are ill, so you do need to proactively think about

routines
rest

almost create a timetable so you can manage stuff and take care of your health

wishing you the best- and look after mental health too OP as this could be issue too if you feel low x

Xposted - it sounds like in fact you were doing the bulk of things before, perhaps he does expect that a bit. That's the problem with one of you ending up doing everything, now you are ill, you need him to do it but he's resenting that :( I'm not going to say LTB but can you get him to see that his actions at the moment are not those of an equal partner or one who is supportive?

Telling you what is normal for us may not help you, as your situation is different, because of your illness.

Crohn's is serious and can be very debilitating.

I think the issue is twofold:

• your guilt ( you need to find a way to not feel guilty, it is not your fault you got Crohn's)
• his resentment ( which is understandable but also unreasonable)

You need to talk about the guilt and the resentment, not the chores.

Also, get extra help like a cleaner.

You need to sit down with a pen and paper and work out how to make things easier for both of you. As it stands you are both running yourselves further into the ground which helps nobody.
One meal for the whole family as and when possible and batch cook as much as you can, check your budget, can you get someone to come in and do one morning a week doing things like the beds and anything else that you find hard? Know of any teens wanting a summer or college job?
In our house we share as much as possible but DH works away quite a bit and late a lot so the majority falls to me but when he's home he does whatever needs doing. Bedtimes don't really figure as our 2 older ones sort themselves out and the toddler drops to sleep on the rug face down after her shower. I can heartily recommend getting the DC's into showering btw, it makes the conveyor belt much quicker!
IMO he needs to understand more about your illness and exactly how much it affects you and you need to relax a bit wrt housework.

Someone upthread said that thanking him is a mistake because it Julie's that he is doing you a favour.

I totally disagree.

When your boss thanks you for a good piece of work is it because you are doing her a favour? Or because she recognises your efforts? The latter.

It depends how you would like your marriage to pan out. I prefer me to be a friendly loving relationship, and that involves my husband thanking me for cook him dinner (even though I am a shite cook), and me thanking him for mowing the lawn.

I would definitely recommend you continue to express your recognition of his increase in work load and that is really does help you

Julie's should read implies!

I was the one saying thanks might be am issue. I don't think I explained it well.

If DH thanked me for cleaning the loo, taking the DC to school, hoovering, etc, I would think he'd gone mad. It's nice to be thanked occasionally in a kind of "hey the kitchen looks great, must have taken you ages" or "it's so nice to come home to such a clean house" or "wow this chilli is delicious" kind of way, but just as I don't thank him for going to work every time he goes, I don't expect to be thanked for every job I do at home.

Only it sounds like OP thanks H for everything he ever does at home. I think that's making too big a deal of something she ought in all fairness be able to take for granted.

mrsgsr it must have been tough growing up with a mum with ME. I'm very conscious of the effect it has on the whole family which is probably why I try to maintain appearances of normality. I do way much more than I am truthfully able to. A lot of the time I have tears falling while I am pushing myself to get things done which I know is ridiculous.

So many replies, thank you all. Just getting my kids put the bath now (how ironic! ) will have a proper read in a few minutes.

Fatel, ah that does sound healthier.

Still,I do actually thank my DH for going to work and pulling the hours he does. Lots.

And he thanks me for doing a grand job in looking after the children and keeping the house on track.

Each to our own, but in our relationship the thanks really does make for a happy marriage.

I work PT, DH full time.
On an ideal day, we share everything once he gets home at around 6/6.30, but sometimes he has to do more work after he gets in and leaves everything to me. Other times he seems to swan about ignoring all the tasks that need doing and I get huffy.

We have recently been getting the kids to do a bit more, like hoovering, emptying dishwasher, tidy their own mess, helping with laundry etc., and also teaching the younger two (9 and 7) to bath themselves and put themselves to bed most of the time. Youngest still needs help rinsing hair, or wants a story read to her when she's 'too tired' to read her own.
How much do your dc do? Make sure you get them to help out here and there, even if it's just tidying after themselves here and there. They will learn valuable life skills

We have a cleaning lady come once a week and clean the whole house. This saves our marriage a lot of arguments, although I appreciate not everyone can afford that.

It does sound to me like your DH does more than most, but you are not well and do as much as you can. It's a very stressful time for your family.

Sorry if this is something you already know about but are you aware of www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/Home ?

This has some great resources for explaining IBD to different people. Also it may help you to get in contact with a local group to investigate what there may be available for you.

One of the problems is that there is nothing for another person to see. You cant see pain and you cant see fatigue.

Is you DH also struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis? Is he frightened about the future? So many people express fear as anger.

Sorry, I'd only read up to page 1 when I wrote my reply above. I feel horrible for mentioning the cleaning lady.

I'm a SAHM of teen DDs, DH does breakfast and chasing off to school bus, hoovers because he bought a heavy Dyson I refuse to use and often shops as he comes home past a much better Tesco.

He doesn't often cook (he can, and this is a bug bear at weekends).

Also he does masses of gardening, because we have a huge lawn and long hedge. If I got a job, my first act would be to get a gardener.

Wow so your H is resentful that he PARENTS his children on a daily basis, when he can i.e outside of his work hours.

Would he prefer to sit on the sofa at arms length from his children and watch YOU parent his DC 24/7?

OK, I'm sorry but this is a ridiculous situation. You have ME, and I can guarantee continuing as you are will make you increasingly ill, until you end up pretty much permanently bed ridden. You are effectively burning the candle at both ends and in the middle too.

You also have crohn's disease which effectively means (if I have understood correctly) you are also suffering from malnutrition. Both your conditions will negatively impact on each other, and the spiral will be down.

Depression is a very common side effect of ME, and will be yet another reason why you won't be able to get out of bed (apart from to dash to the loo).

What is it you want your kids to remember about their childhood? That they lived somewhere clean? Or that they had fun with their parents? You may not want to hear this, but that is basically the choice that is open to you. You don't have the energy to do both, so you must choose where you spend your energy. Try to imagine that you have 60 (?) minutes of energy to use per day. Where are you going to spend it?

I lived for 4 years (20years ago, so thinking may have changed) with someone with ME - and I bloody hated it - but he recovered relatively quickly because he did literally nothing - then gradually worked up to doing the odd thing for a few minutes, then a few minutes more etc. In fact the thing in question was walking the dog. He did nothing else. I got back from work, cooked supper, did the cleaning, the washing, the bills, walked his dog etc. But we were in our 20s and didn't have kids. In all honesty I wouldn't want to do it again. After 2 - 4 years, he was back to a normal-ish life - but I don't think you ever get back to 100%. At the time it was thought that one of the causes of ME is the inability to recognise that you are exhausted. I don't know if they still think that is the case.

I wish I could name check all of you, I have read every single one of your posts. I am trying to keep up so if I don't answer any questions, just shout them at me!

My 3 year old is at preschool for her 15 hours, which is just a godsend.

wallypops your post made me cry. I do have malnutrition as well, pretty severe vitamin d deficiency and anaemia as a result of the crohn's. Your experience with your ex (I presume! ) is exactly why I do everything that I do and why I get upset when my husband shouts at me - I don't want to put that on anyone, my kids and husband deserve a normal life and even if it is a struggle I will try to protect them from that existence. I do take on board what you say and I would be happier to make those choices if I wasn't so scared of being resented for it.

Thanks everyone for being so kind