I can't move on after he left me. Please tell me there is hope.

[feelsoshit88]

I’m going to put this into a list form to try and make it easier to write as my head is a bit of a mess and it’s complicated. Thanks for anyone who reads.

1. I was engaged to a man with children, loved him and his kids very much. We were happy and everything was good.

2. We were a couple for almost 4 years. Living together for 2. Engaged for 1. Would have been married three weeks ago.

3. I also have a child (11) who lived with us, so a blended family and everyone got on really well.

4. 8 months ago he came to me with the speech of “I am sorry, I can’t go ahead with this” and after that he left that night. There was not much conversation, as I thought it was a joke. He left me with a house I could not afford and just moved out without even talking to me beyond a 5 minute announcement. Found out there was an OW a few days later.

5. Him and the OW were together a couple of months and that’s all, as far as I understand from people she was a shag and nothing serious, he never moved in with her.

6. He changed from being lovely to me to be horrible the day he left. Told lies to everyone about our lives and why he did what he did, he cut me off financially overnight, he told me I had made him miserable and he had put up with me for so long and his behavior was my fault.

7. I have not seen step kids since the day he left. Neither has my DC. No one got to say goodbye.

8. I found out afterwards he had a sort of double life for the last year where he was shagging around with hookers.

So that is the summary of what happened, and 8 months later I feel I should be further on from where I am but I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.

I have days where I feel okay and times were I feel happiness but I mostly keep myself busy so I can’t think.

I just want to understand how or why he did what he did. I can't seem to find emotional closure. I knew him very well, he was known for being a particularly good person and he was always great to me and the kids. It was the best and happiest relationship I ever had.

People tell me I almost married a monster, but I am not sure how that is supposed to feel better because he was the closest I have ever been to anyone in my life. If he was a monster, what does that mean for me?

I am still struggling financially, rent was due a week ago and could not pay it. I just avoid emails from landlord. I have constant stress with childcare etc. as my job and life was based around us being a team.

I can barely function in my job still and where I used to be known for being the best I am now a liability. I leave everything to the last minute and have several late payment notices on my credit file now.

I live away from my friends because I relocated for him and I know I have to move back to where my friends and family are but can’t afford to and also feel frozen / scared and completely incapable of moving in any direction.

I have dated, but it just made me feel more alone and I behaved like a crazy person expecting them to love me after 5 minutes or accusing them of cheating on me when they blinked in the wrong direction.

My DC misses his “family” and has had emotional problems since this happened. I am not a good Mum anymore. I want to be but I am so sad all the time I feel like every day is just surviving and I don’t know how to “play” anymore.

I hate myself all the time. I feel ugly and worthless and like I want to die and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again. I feel like my DC would be better off without me.

I want to move on and have a new life, but I have no idea how to do it.

There is 50% of me that misses him so badly, and misses my best friend and wants to talk to him or get a hug or a kiss from him and then the other half of me remembers he doesn't exist really.

I read stories on here all the time of husbands and men who walk out like this leaving women shocked, and I read about them doing it after 40 years of marriage and being equally cruel and I know that it could be so much worse.

Please can anyone tell me that it will be better again one day. I am so tired of life and just want to give up now.

Telling the truth doesn't make you a 'bad' or 'different' person, feel. It makes you an honest one. You are letting people believe something about you that isn't true. Would you let people believe something wrong about a friend when you knew better? Of course not. You would tell them that your friend was innocent. And so should you have the same loyalty to yourself! He has lied and destroyed your character with people whose good opinion you value. He has told lies to innocent children you love and who loved you. You have an absolute right to defend yourself AND to back that defense up with evidence (& it sounds as if you have some really 'valuable' evidence!) just as you would in a court of law. All you have to say is that you did not leave him, it was quite the opposite. And that you found out that he had been unfaithful multiple times and had bad-mouthed you to his children whom you dearly love. If someone doubts you, tell them you have proof. If they want to see it, then show them. Simples. You aren't setting out to ruin him, you are defending yourself. Something you have every right to do.

You owe NOTHING to this man. NOTHING. I understand your wanting to protect his children. But you're not sitting them down and telling them what a shit their father is. You are telling other adults who may have had their opinions changed because of his lies.

People don't recognize the grief of loss in these situations because, I think, they are afraid of making you feel worse or making it harder for you to get over it. But you did lose something (even if it wasn't 'true') and your grief is real and justified. But, just as a widow must, you must pull yourself up, slow and painful as it is, and start to live again despite the fact that you are in pain. Only then can you begin to move forward.

OP I think it's commendable that you don't want to lower your standards or engage in anything petty. However, you started this thread feeling 'ugly and worthless and like I want to die and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again' while he skips into the sunset convincing everyone that you're the snake in the grass. I believe there's a time to sacrifice yourself on the altar of being the bigger person, and a time to assert yourself and fight back.

Goodness feelso I'm so sorry . What an awful man to have treated you and his own and your child in such a dreadful way.

It is like a grieving process and it will get better. I think different people just need different amounts of time to process and cope with the changes. And let's face it, your changes have been thrust upon you and are just horrid. I hope you have some good rl support

No better advice to give than what others have offered, but your OP made me feel so sad on your behalf. What an awful thing you have been through. Please...be kind to yourself. Eight months is no time at all x

I would love it if you outed him and his behaviour to those who he knows! It's annoying when he tells you that he knows you won't do anything. I mean what a twat.

On a different note is there no way you can get out of your lease early? If your credit score is damaged anyway would it matter if you went to the landlords and told them that basically you can't afford the property no more and that you need to leave the area. Removal costs will be a few hundred pounds at most or if you can drive you can hire a van for around £100.

Maybe aim to be back in your home town before Xmas so that next year is a new start.

When you put it like that Cog...

Yes Quitelikely I can probably get myself together and talk to the landlord honestly. It's just getting the motivation to pull myself out of this mess and I know taking care of practicalities will be a weight off.

It's hard to explain but I feel like I am in a fog. This thread made me feel heaps better today. Have had asthma on and off since he left (never had it before???) and was really bad the past few days and was not able to breathe very well or do very much. Today was much better and I played with my boy in the pool and found myself smiling a few times.

I am so lucky I have had great RL people, who dropped their lives to help me and be there for me and I know it breaks their hearts but at the same time 8 months has passed and they all have their own real lives and I think the undertone is that people are sick of it and want me to pick myself up now - so I pretend I have for their sake.

Can I ask opinions here in terms of me "setting the record straight". I have told my closest friends and family the truth, and showed a few screen shots to my best friend.

Then we have mutual friends (we had mutual friends from before we were in a relationship as we know each other a long time) and in terms of those they fall into three camps.

One camp who knows me well and knew we did not have any problems in our relationship did not believe the things he was saying and they cut him off as they felt his abandonment of us was disgusting. Those people I have not told any details of his sexual activity, but they won't be staying friends with him anyway.

The second camp has remained completely impartial, remain friends with both of us and have also not been told any details from my end (but probably have from him as a lot of them are cooler towards me).

The third camp cut ME off because he told them all sorts of lies about me. I was devastated at first but then realised I did not much want friends like that anyway. Shame as one had been my friend since school.

Then we have HIS friends and colleagues, who have all cut me off.

Then his family, who I was close to before (and who my DC considered family too) have all cut me off completely and hate me. They think I drove their poor son to walking out and he has been devastated ever since.

So if I do "defend myself" - would that be just to the people I give a shit about? I mean surely no point telling his family or friends that are solely his?

IMHO yes. Forget his family because they would be on his side whatever he did. His friends and colleagues don't have much impact on your life so no point wasting any breath there either. Suggest you start with Camps #3 and #2 to get the word more widely known. Be 'indiscreet' (rather than 'vindictive') over a and always preface it with 'I know I can trust you to keep a confidence' or similar expression of trust so that they know it's juicy enough to pass on. You can also give close friends and family permission to set the record straight on your behalf. Delegate it out a bit.

That's just my opinion. Won't pay your bills or solve your problems but if you manage your story (because it is your story and not exclusively his) you may start feeling just a little more in control of your own life and not a passenger.

I would definitely get the info out there albeit in a way that you still get to keep your dignity intact.

I have an acquaintance who pretended to mutual friends and family that her split from her husband was mutual (after he had cheated!) as she thought that was best for the children and that she was taking the high road. The cost to her was horrendous as she had to watch him being 'comforted ' by mutual friends some of whom took his side.

There is a middle road where you can let others know how you've been shat on from a dizzy height without looking like the demented harpy he is well rid of.

Just feeling really annoyed because his cousin just sent me an email to say he'd seen him and he'd said he "still cared for me" and that the reason he'd left me was the stresses of family life and he had fallen out of love. I mean...he somehow makes himself sound like a martyr.

I am actually going to get the truth out. As you say over a glass of wine. Tired of this and I am not guilty of anything.

I would reply.

Dear Cousin

I'm sure it won't be a surprise to you to hear that this is a pack of lies and the reasosn why I eneded are relationship are entirely different and much, much more sordid than that.

I won't lower myself to his level by slagging him off as he has me. But why don't you ask him if the name rings any bells with him.

You might also tell him that I am tired of him spreading lies about me and, in future, if anyone asks me why we split I will tell them the truth. I have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. I wonder if wankbadger can say the same

Kind regards
FeelSoWonderful xxx

rostitute = prostitute

I did reply on those lines. Also showed some of his screenshots to my family and they were really shocked. Sort of liberating. Felt disloyal though :(

That disloyal feeling is like 'phantom pain' after an amputation. You feel it, but it isn't 'true'. Just remind yourself that he has shown no loyalty to you and you certainly owe none to him. I'm glad you replied to cousin with your truth. Maybe that will start others wondering what is true and what is not. There will be some you will never convince, but they were never true friends. A true friend will stop and listen to what you have to say, especially if you say 'and I can prove it!'.

As far as moving forward, pick just one thing that needs doing (probably the landlord). Devote your energy towards that one thing, solving that one problem. And when you do, even if it doesn't go 100% as you wanted it to, congratulate yourself simply because you did something. Not the outcome, but the energy you devoted to the problem. Then tackle something else. I think you'll find that these little successes help build you up inside. And each step you take will be a step away from the hurt.

As far as your friends & it having been 8 months. Talk to them. Tell them you are having problems moving forward, don't hide it them. They can be an invaluable source of support and advice.

Liberating is good. Disloyal feelings are just because (unlike him) you're a nice person with a conscience and also (unlike him) you can't just switch off your feelings like a light switch. However, I'm glad you've discovered a kernel of indignation and stuck up for yourself, even if it feels alien. The process of getting over a break-up as horrible as yours means that there will still be a lot of bad days to come, I'm sorry. But at least you can point to today and say 'that's the point where I stopped letting him take the piss'. It's more progress than you may appreciate.

The cousin immediately cut off the conversation on whatsapp after I said that. I guess people don't want to hear or just assume I am crazy.

Sorry, hard night tonight. I have no idea why it's such a bad week but it comes in waves,

I know people have it worse.

Feels I bet he did cut it off! It must've been a shock. But you can bet your bottom dollar he heard what you said. And he won't forget it. That will have stuck with him, mark my words

'it comes in waves'

That's a reasonably common experience of grief, don't worry. To begin with it's nothing but horrible days but, gradually, those spread out a little and you get a little respite in between when you can gather your strength and make a little progress. As time goes on, you should find that the good days start to outnumber the bad ones. If you stay busy, fill your time and try not to dwell too much on the past, you can cope a little better. That others have it worse may be true, but it doesn't make your experience any easier.

Agree with cog completely. The waves will get smaller and smaller until they are just the odd ripple now and again. As my friend said to me yesterday when talking about my ex leaving me etc, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Which I know is cliche but I do believe it's true after the year I've had.

I'm finding all the 1st a bit tricky so be aware of those and don't be too hard on yourself if they make the grief come back more, like first anniversary, first Christmas and holidays etc. I'm over my ex as a person but I'm not over nor do I think you ever fully do get over what happens to your family unit.

Hello Feel

Just dropping into say the inertia/paralysis part of your post really resonated. My ex-H upped and left one day when my son was 2 and I was in he middle of IVF. OW, the usual. BUT. He quite literally went from being lovely husband of 4 years to grotesque person overnight and did and said some remarkably cruel and inhuman things.

Its 4 years later now, but I think I spent about 2 years in a state of paralysis sitting on my balcony in an almost fuge state. That is in exaggeration of course as I was left in a dire financial situation in a country I had only been in for 2 years with no friends or family in my hemisphere so certain survival things -- but I felt trapped in a ground hog day warp of trying to figure things out.

I think - 4 years on - the reason for this outside of usual shock, is that when something changes with no warning and the person then turns into someone 'alien' outside of usual heartbreak it makes us question all the fundamentals. Without sounding up myself, I'm a pretty smart person, pre marriage had shit hot(ish) job all previous boyfriends super nice and on good terms but the ONE important relationship my husband - turned out to be a bad egg (as my gran would have said). And as you say in terms of others reactions, if it hadn't happened to me I would have thought no smoke without fire, of course you must have known, but I didn't. And so I think it makes the subconscious think well if i got that wrong, what else did I get wrong...and so forth.....

Anyhoo -- just wanted to reiterate it DOES get better....occassionally I 'buckle' when I recall things that were said and happened post break-up (awful awful things) but generally life is bright and I'm finding my momentum and stride again.

Good luck my darling.

Dolly

BTW. On the 'information' front. If you did want to spread the word the old adage you can catch a lot more flies with honey comes to mind....along the lines of:

"How are you Feel, such a shock"
" Oh I'm hanging in there. Its odd, I probably shouldn't care anymore, but I am concerned about ex and all the prostitutes and so forth. I hope he can find a way through it/out of it for the sake of his family "

x

wow Dolly could have written a lot of that myself.

I also moved for him and he did this leaving me with no oe nearby and a financial mess

I also had an amazing life / job I gave up to be with him.

Also have amazing ex boyfriends who I am still friends with who are still there for me.

Thank you. I think it' just a bad time and I know it will pass.

xx

It does get better but I am also (unless your mental health/health is impacted) a believer in 'you feel what you feel until you don't feel it anymore' and by this I mean I felt under terrible pressure from friends and family to 'be ok' and be 'back to the positive shiny Dolly I was' almost overnight. I know it came from a good place and also the reality that no-one really wants to be confronted with someone elses devastation -- but it was hard. I felt like yelling 'did you think so little of your that you would just erase it all and be fine in weeks???

It is human nature but it is hard to be confronted with. I wrote the following to a friend who was recovering from cancer and who felt 'chivvied'....obviously different but actually based on my own experiences....

People want the Julia Roberts movie version of things. The plucky young woman, facing illness with wit and bravery, inspiring others along the way, looking beautiful if a little wan in cashmere whilst they do it and going onto write a bestselling book along the way. They want things to come of bad things in the instant. And I hope that movie happens for you. And it likely will, or at least part of it. But no-one wants to really take on board the bit that the movie skims over that involves long-shots of Julia struggling as the seasons change before finally she is running along the beach. That is not a movie people want to watch unless they are Swedish.

It sucks living the bit they fast forward in films but you will get to the beach part eventually.

Oh Dolly thats exactly how I feel. Like they expect me to be fine. Sometimes feel like screaming.

lol at movie analogy. I feel that is exactly what people see.