I can't move on after he left me. Please tell me there is hope.

[feelsoshit88]

I’m going to put this into a list form to try and make it easier to write as my head is a bit of a mess and it’s complicated. Thanks for anyone who reads.

1. I was engaged to a man with children, loved him and his kids very much. We were happy and everything was good.
   
   
2. We were a couple for almost 4 years. Living together for 2. Engaged for 1. Would have been married three weeks ago.
   
   
3. I also have a child (11) who lived with us, so a blended family and everyone got on really well.
   
   
4. 8 months ago he came to me with the speech of “I am sorry, I can’t go ahead with this” and after that he left that night. There was not much conversation, as I thought it was a joke. He left me with a house I could not afford and just moved out without even talking to me beyond a 5 minute announcement. Found out there was an OW a few days later.
   
   
5. Him and the OW were together a couple of months and that’s all, as far as I understand from people she was a shag and nothing serious, he never moved in with her.
   
   
6. He changed from being lovely to me to be horrible the day he left. Told lies to everyone about our lives and why he did what he did, he cut me off financially overnight, he told me I had made him miserable and he had put up with me for so long and his behavior was my fault.
   
   
7. I have not seen step kids since the day he left. Neither has my DC. No one got to say goodbye.
   
   
8. I found out afterwards he had a sort of double life for the last year where he was shagging around with hookers.
   
   So that is the summary of what happened, and 8 months later I feel I should be further on from where I am but I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.
   
   I have days where I feel okay and times were I feel happiness but I mostly keep myself busy so I can’t think.
   
   I just want to understand how or why he did what he did. I can't seem to find emotional closure. I knew him very well, he was known for being a particularly good person and he was always great to me and the kids. It was the best and happiest relationship I ever had.
   
   People tell me I almost married a monster, but I am not sure how that is supposed to feel better because he was the closest I have ever been to anyone in my life. If he was a monster, what does that mean for me?
   
   I am still struggling financially, rent was due a week ago and could not pay it. I just avoid emails from landlord. I have constant stress with childcare etc. as my job and life was based around us being a team.
   
   I can barely function in my job still and where I used to be known for being the best I am now a liability. I leave everything to the last minute and have several late payment notices on my credit file now.
   
   I live away from my friends because I relocated for him and I know I have to move back to where my friends and family are but can’t afford to and also feel frozen / scared and completely incapable of moving in any direction.
   
   I have dated, but it just made me feel more alone and I behaved like a crazy person expecting them to love me after 5 minutes or accusing them of cheating on me when they blinked in the wrong direction.
   
   My DC misses his “family” and has had emotional problems since this happened. I am not a good Mum anymore. I want to be but I am so sad all the time I feel like every day is just surviving and I don’t know how to “play” anymore.
   
   I hate myself all the time. I feel ugly and worthless and like I want to die and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again. I feel like my DC would be better off without me.
   
   I want to move on and have a new life, but I have no idea how to do it.
   
   There is 50% of me that misses him so badly, and misses my best friend and wants to talk to him or get a hug or a kiss from him and then the other half of me remembers he doesn't exist really.
   
   I read stories on here all the time of husbands and men who walk out like this leaving women shocked, and I read about them doing it after 40 years of marriage and being equally cruel and I know that it could be so much worse.
   
   Please can anyone tell me that it will be better again one day. I am so tired of life and just want to give up now.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm glad. A good counselor can be of immeasurable help. It's the first step forward.

[feelsoshit88]

I guess in my circle that's me too. Never really been one to have big problems of my own before this!

I went to a counsellor today and she said basically that I'd not properly allowed myself to cry or grieve and to do that and it would slowly go away. She said I wasn't wallowing, I was just sad and I was entitled to it and she said if I tried to continue pretended I wasn't I'd turn it inwards.

So I cried a lot today until there was nothing left and admit it does feel better after that

[AcrossthePond55]

But true friends are there for you. In most friendship circles there is usually one person who is the 'go to' in times of trouble. In my circle, that's me. BUT, even though I'm usually the shoulder to cry on & giver of advice, my friends are still there for me when I've needed them. And none of them would slag me off just because I was going through a rough patch. They might pull me up if I was unhealthily dwelling on the negatives in my life (as you say, wallowing in it), but that's also part of friendship.

Yes, friends are more 'fun' when things are going well. But that's not the way life works, is it?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Fairweather friends are ye.

But I would walk over broken glass for the friends who stuck by me when the going got tough and I'm sure you'll find the same

[feelsoshit88]

Yes I can see that's true. I guess friends are a lot more fun when they're not going through a bad time

[BitOutOfPractice]

I tell youwhat OP, when the shit hits the fan in your life like this, you find out who your real friends are. And it's not necessarily who you expect

[feelsoshit88]

Thanks, I do have lots of others. She is just my oldest. I think I am just done with it now.

[AcrossthePond55]

Do you really need her in your life? Based on what you say it's sort of a one-sided friendship. She sounds exhausting.

Perhaps one way to start moving forward would be to try to cultivate some new friends.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then I read it wrong, sorry. She's not speaking from a place of love.

[feelsoshit88]

And also, by the way Cog...looking back...she actually NEVER listened or uncorked the wine. 24 hours after he left she was telling me "onwards and upwards" and "move on". It was like she could not be fucked with it from the very first moment. Not once do I feel like she actually listened I guess to how I felt so I stopped talking to her (and anyone actually) months ago about it.

[feelsoshit88]

Hmm...I had a long think about this last night and think the reason it offended me so much was that it came from her specifically.

I've spent a lifetime dealing with her problems (she has bad depression and anxiety from childhood issues and is also potentially an alcoholic) and over the years I can't count the nights I have spent going over and over the same thing or driving round trying to find her or sitting in the A&E waiting room.

It feels like the one time I have been down and out she's not really interested.

In fact when this first happened I caught her sending nasty emails behind my back about how I "must be not telling the whole truth" and "every relationship breakdown is always 50/50 and she was sure I was not giving the real story" and how she hoped I didn't want to come and stay with her because she didn't fancy dealing with me, which she accidentally left open when I was at her house. That made me so angry because in 23 years it would literally have been the FIRST time I needed her instead of vice versa.

I forgave her for that, along with the part where she cut me off for several years because her husband didn't like me, and the part where I got a job for her in my office and she ended up getting fired for drinking on the job which reflected badly on me, or the part where she wakes me and my family up frequently in the night with her drunken dialling.

A lot of people don't talk to her because of all this and I've always been the one to stand up for her because I felt bad for her due to her childhood. I've always had her back no matter what.

I mean, yes, I do talk about it a bit, but definitely not every conversation. We spend loooong periods analysing her latest relationship etc. as we always have.

But if she emails me and asks how I am and I reply saying "feeling really sad, rough week" I don't expect a reply telling me to "get over it, and everyone has break ups" because I don't think "everyone" haves break ups like THIS. And she hasn't acknowledged that it's been a very abnormal and shocking breakup or the scale of the loss I experienced.

She also doesn't acknowledge that we were a family, as we lived together with our children for years...and if I say this she replies "you weren't a family" flatly -which I find nasty and belittling of the love I have for my stepchildren.

And looking back, I think she was more openly upset about her boyfriend of 3 weeks dumping her when we were 16 than I have actively shown over this issue.

She is constantly having problems, constantly calling me in the middle of the night drunk, she self harms, she has bad anxiety attacks (through which I stayed on Skype the ENTIRE day a couple of weeks ago to make her feel better and not alone) and I just felt a bit like "well fuck off" when she said what she said.

She also goes on Facebook and makes snidey comments, like "good instagram filters" if I look nice in a photo and she makes comments that reflect me in a bad light even if they are not true.

So I guess it's more than that and I am feeling like as long as we have been friends this woman is completely toxic and I'm suddenly very angry and tired of it.

If such a comment had come from a diferrent friend, I'd not have minded quite as much.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"but would a real friend say that to me after 8 months?"

Please keep tight hold of that friend because they are very courageous and have your best interests at heart. 'Support' sometimes means telling a friend - with love - that the time for feeling sorry for themselves has to come to an end. Sympathy is fantastic but there is a point at which all sympathy achieves is to keep someone stuck in a sad cycle of mourning.

My very best friend did exactly this. Listened to me sob, wiped the tears, uncorked the wine... for weeks. Then one day, just as I was launching into another 'poor me' speech, she told me that it was time to start thinking ahead and not looking back. Like you I was a little shocked and offended but she was right. Didn't mean I was never sad again but it meant a change of emphasis.

[AcrossthePond55]

You can't just turn off the feeling, but you can take steps to move forward in your life.

Are you wallowing? I don't know because I don't know you in RL. Is it the only thing you are able to talk about? Do you go over and over it with your friends every time you see them? Is it an excuse for doing or not doing certain things? Is your friend having problems herself that you can't 'be there' for because you can't come out of yourself for her?

I'd talk to her and ask her what she means. Then listen to her with an open mind. As both Cog & I have mentioned you have to make a real effort to move forward, even if you feel it's the last thing you want to do. You have to behave in the way you want to feel, the pretty soon you'll feel that way.

[feelsoshit88]

I feel like I've done quite well in general. Managed to stay working as well as I could, looked after my kid, exercised...I think she just wants me to tell her I am over it because she finds it boring?

[feelsoshit88]

Just got a message from my freind who I mentioned on my other thread an she said it was my choice to stop wallowing.

Can't really get my head around this...but would a real friend say that to me after 8 months?

Am I wallowing?

[AcrossthePond55]

Yes, Cog has it. You have to fill the gaps. The only way to do that is to start doing things, even if you don't really want to. Not like going out and looking for a new partner. Just movies, shopping, museums, etc. Time fillers as it were

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you stop missing them when you fill the gaps where they used to be. When you're in a couple the other person takes up big chunks of your time, you do things together, habits form, you neglect friends perhaps. When they're gone, suddenly you've got all this spare time on your hands, the schedule is ripped up and there's no-one to share things with. Aside from the horrible feelings of rejection and hurt, that sudden imposed isolation can be very disorientating.

I can't remember how long it took before I stopped missing my ex. Like the PP, friends were really good and I spent a lot of time with them. I volunteered for anything at work that meant travelling overseas. Joined some local groups to fill the evenings and make new friends. Anything really, rather than go home to an empty house. One day I realised I hadn't thought about him for a while.

[AcrossthePond55]

Yes, you stop after while. The problem is that there is no 'timetable'. Each person is different. For me, it was about 6 months. But I think it was because I had to see him every day (we worked together) and so I had to build a hard shell quickly as he moved on to another woman within weeks of our breaking up. Unfortunately, I can't tell you exactly how I did it. I truly think my mind just took over to protect my heart.

As far as life feeling better, I think that's up to you. I know my friends had to literally force me to go out at first. I just wanted to make it through the work day then come home and cry and be paralyzed. My best friend would come over, pick out an outfit and make me put it on and pull me out the door to a movie or shopping. Eventually I started making myself do things and then realized I was actually having fun. Then I realized that life does go on, whether we want it to or not, so we might as well get on with it.

You'll get there. You just need a little push to get started.

[feelsoshit88]

Do you stop missing them? How long does it take before life stops feeling so much worse than it was?

[feelsoshit88]

Oh Dolly thats exactly how I feel. Like they expect me to be fine. Sometimes feel like screaming.

lol at movie analogy. I feel that is exactly what people see.

[downunderdolly]

It does get better but I am also (unless your mental health/health is impacted) a believer in 'you feel what you feel until you don't feel it anymore' and by this I mean I felt under terrible pressure from friends and family to 'be ok' and be 'back to the positive shiny Dolly I was' almost overnight. I know it came from a good place and also the reality that no-one really wants to be confronted with someone elses devastation -- but it was hard. I felt like yelling 'did you think so little of your that you would just erase it all and be fine in weeks???

It is human nature but it is hard to be confronted with. I wrote the following to a friend who was recovering from cancer and who felt 'chivvied'....obviously different but actually based on my own experiences....

People want the Julia Roberts movie version of things. The plucky young woman, facing illness with wit and bravery, inspiring others along the way, looking beautiful if a little wan in cashmere whilst they do it and going onto write a bestselling book along the way. They want things to come of bad things in the instant. And I hope that movie happens for you. And it likely will, or at least part of it. But no-one wants to really take on board the bit that the movie skims over that involves long-shots of Julia struggling as the seasons change before finally she is running along the beach. That is not a movie people want to watch unless they are Swedish.

It sucks living the bit they fast forward in films but you will get to the beach part eventually.

[feelsoshit88]

wow Dolly could have written a lot of that myself.

I also moved for him and he did this leaving me with no oe nearby and a financial mess

I also had an amazing life / job I gave up to be with him.

Also have amazing ex boyfriends who I am still friends with who are still there for me.

Thank you. I think it' just a bad time and I know it will pass.

xx

[downunderdolly]

BTW. On the 'information' front. If you did want to spread the word the old adage you can catch a lot more flies with honey comes to mind....along the lines of:

"How are you Feel, such a shock"
" Oh I'm hanging in there. Its odd, I probably shouldn't care anymore, but I am concerned about ex and all the prostitutes and so forth. I hope he can find a way through it/out of it for the sake of his family "

x

[downunderdolly]

Hello Feel

Just dropping into say the inertia/paralysis part of your post really resonated. My ex-H upped and left one day when my son was 2 and I was in he middle of IVF. OW, the usual. BUT. He quite literally went from being lovely husband of 4 years to grotesque person overnight and did and said some remarkably cruel and inhuman things.

Its 4 years later now, but I think I spent about 2 years in a state of paralysis sitting on my balcony in an almost fuge state. That is in exaggeration of course as I was left in a dire financial situation in a country I had only been in for 2 years with no friends or family in my hemisphere so certain survival things -- but I felt trapped in a ground hog day warp of trying to figure things out.

I think - 4 years on - the reason for this outside of usual shock, is that when something changes with no warning and the person then turns into someone 'alien' outside of usual heartbreak it makes us question all the fundamentals. Without sounding up myself, I'm a pretty smart person, pre marriage had shit hot(ish) job all previous boyfriends super nice and on good terms but the ONE important relationship my husband - turned out to be a bad egg (as my gran would have said). And as you say in terms of others reactions, if it hadn't happened to me I would have thought no smoke without fire, of course you must have known, but I didn't. And so I think it makes the subconscious think well if i got that wrong, what else did I get wrong...and so forth.....

Anyhoo -- just wanted to reiterate it DOES get better....occassionally I 'buckle' when I recall things that were said and happened post break-up (awful awful things) but generally life is bright and I'm finding my momentum and stride again.

Good luck my darling.

Dolly

[Minime85]

Agree with cog completely. The waves will get smaller and smaller until they are just the odd ripple now and again. As my friend said to me yesterday when talking about my ex leaving me etc, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Which I know is cliche but I do believe it's true after the year I've had.

I'm finding all the 1st a bit tricky so be aware of those and don't be too hard on yourself if they make the grief come back more, like first anniversary, first Christmas and holidays etc. I'm over my ex as a person but I'm not over nor do I think you ever fully do get over what happens to your family unit.