I can't move on after he left me. Please tell me there is hope.

[feelsoshit88]

I’m going to put this into a list form to try and make it easier to write as my head is a bit of a mess and it’s complicated. Thanks for anyone who reads.

1. I was engaged to a man with children, loved him and his kids very much. We were happy and everything was good.
   
   
2. We were a couple for almost 4 years. Living together for 2. Engaged for 1. Would have been married three weeks ago.
   
   
3. I also have a child (11) who lived with us, so a blended family and everyone got on really well.
   
   
4. 8 months ago he came to me with the speech of “I am sorry, I can’t go ahead with this” and after that he left that night. There was not much conversation, as I thought it was a joke. He left me with a house I could not afford and just moved out without even talking to me beyond a 5 minute announcement. Found out there was an OW a few days later.
   
   
5. Him and the OW were together a couple of months and that’s all, as far as I understand from people she was a shag and nothing serious, he never moved in with her.
   
   
6. He changed from being lovely to me to be horrible the day he left. Told lies to everyone about our lives and why he did what he did, he cut me off financially overnight, he told me I had made him miserable and he had put up with me for so long and his behavior was my fault.
   
   
7. I have not seen step kids since the day he left. Neither has my DC. No one got to say goodbye.
   
   
8. I found out afterwards he had a sort of double life for the last year where he was shagging around with hookers.
   
   So that is the summary of what happened, and 8 months later I feel I should be further on from where I am but I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.
   
   I have days where I feel okay and times were I feel happiness but I mostly keep myself busy so I can’t think.
   
   I just want to understand how or why he did what he did. I can't seem to find emotional closure. I knew him very well, he was known for being a particularly good person and he was always great to me and the kids. It was the best and happiest relationship I ever had.
   
   People tell me I almost married a monster, but I am not sure how that is supposed to feel better because he was the closest I have ever been to anyone in my life. If he was a monster, what does that mean for me?
   
   I am still struggling financially, rent was due a week ago and could not pay it. I just avoid emails from landlord. I have constant stress with childcare etc. as my job and life was based around us being a team.
   
   I can barely function in my job still and where I used to be known for being the best I am now a liability. I leave everything to the last minute and have several late payment notices on my credit file now.
   
   I live away from my friends because I relocated for him and I know I have to move back to where my friends and family are but can’t afford to and also feel frozen / scared and completely incapable of moving in any direction.
   
   I have dated, but it just made me feel more alone and I behaved like a crazy person expecting them to love me after 5 minutes or accusing them of cheating on me when they blinked in the wrong direction.
   
   My DC misses his “family” and has had emotional problems since this happened. I am not a good Mum anymore. I want to be but I am so sad all the time I feel like every day is just surviving and I don’t know how to “play” anymore.
   
   I hate myself all the time. I feel ugly and worthless and like I want to die and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again. I feel like my DC would be better off without me.
   
   I want to move on and have a new life, but I have no idea how to do it.
   
   There is 50% of me that misses him so badly, and misses my best friend and wants to talk to him or get a hug or a kiss from him and then the other half of me remembers he doesn't exist really.
   
   I read stories on here all the time of husbands and men who walk out like this leaving women shocked, and I read about them doing it after 40 years of marriage and being equally cruel and I know that it could be so much worse.
   
   Please can anyone tell me that it will be better again one day. I am so tired of life and just want to give up now.

[feelsoshit88]

Yes Cog that's exactly it, but to me it was like he DID die, but no one can really understand that at all.

I also get "we always thought there was something off, he was too perfect" and they think that's some sort of comfort too, but I wish there was some way for me to manage that split of emotion between who I believed he was and who he actually turned out to be, because although HE wasn't real....my love for him definitely was, and so was my home, our times as a family and all the experiences we shared.

[feelsoshit88]

That's a good idea to let someone with a big mouth manage it for me. I actually have photos of im with his fingers up his own arse that he sent to the hookers. All screenshots. He turned out to be a real Prince Charming, yet somehow in this he managed to come off the victim. Almost stoic. Sometimes it makes me want to vomit.

[feelsoshit88]

Funny as I literally have screen shots of everything he did, I could, if I wished, completely destroy the man's life. His family would disown if they knew what he did to me and the kids. They think he is the golden boy. He could lose his job. I did tell him I had them and he sneered at me that I wouldn't do it.

Truth is even if I was the type of person to seek revenge I'd not want to hurt step kids.

[NacMacFeeglie]

If you will be technically unemployed OP you can apply for the rent and deposit scheme from your council. They will provide the deposit and usually first months rent on a new place. All of this is fixable. I promise you.

[Mrscaindingle]

Just wanted to add my pennies worth here, the pain that comes out of your posts is almost visceral and reminds me of myself a few months ago.

I would say that you do not need to keep his grubby little secrets but would try and not get revenge as that would hurt other people like his DS who are probably hurting and confused right now. You don't need to protect him but getting 'revenge' will most likely make you feel worse as you will have embarrassment/ guilt on top of all the other crap.

I totally get the mixed feelings you have about your ex, a year on my ex keeps trying to be friends and I keep ignoring it as I really don't want a friend who lies and is completely selfish but then I get pangs of sympathy for him as I know he is lonely (no OW now) and he has lost contact with DS1, my family and most of our friends. Its no more than he deserves really but I still find it hard to switch off my feelings for him a year down the line.

I think you have had a huge shock and you really need to reach out and let someone help you with this. All the practicalities are so much more difficult when you feel least able to deal with them. I found that if I could sort one problem a day ( sometimes didn't manage even that) but it made me feel a little more in control which will help a little.

Good luck

[Mrscaindingle]

DC not DS

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's a world of possibilities between 'revenge' (bad idea) and 'keeping his horrible secrets to protect his image' (also bad idea). I actually felt a lot better letting slip to selected individuals the truth about my exH's behaviour. Not embarrassed or guilty in the slightest. You might not feel ready to call his cocksure little bluff just yet but I don't think it's far off. His DCs have a shit for a Dad and he can't hide it from them for ever. 'The truth will set you free'... and all that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"he sneered at me that I wouldn't do it."

That word 'sneered' has me bristling on your behalf. Send them to me and I'll do it for you. :)

[hellsbellsmelons]

Stop keeping his dirty secret to start with.
You don't need to ruin him, just tell everyone the truth.

Please reach out to your family for help.
If my DD were in your position and decided to struggle on getting more into debt than come to me for help and support, I would be devastated.
I would absolutely want to help her and take care of her and love her and support her. Yours will want to as well so please confide in them and get their help.

Get onto CAB and get some financial advice as well.

I'm sorry you are still feeling like this.
When they re-write history it just makes it all so much worse.
But time will help. No-one can put a time limit on it.
Please visit your GP as previously advised.
Get all the help and support you possibly can now.

[feelsoshit88]

Cog, when I found out about the hookers I called him and asked him to come round and explain. He said he didn't have to explain himself to me in a really cavalier way. I was sobbing, begging. He said he was "too busy" and said I was a psycho for checking up on him.

I said to him I would take the evidence and show it to everyone and he laughed at me own the phone, and basically said he knew me well enough to know I would not do it.

Yes, total cunt.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Revenge may be a bad idea but I think the benefits of 'furious indignation' are underestimated in this kind of situation. Keep telling yourself what a total cunt he is. Keep hearing that sneering laugh down the phone, daring you to expose him.

As I said originally, you feel your life has been taken out of your control in a lot of different ways. You're an emotional ship-wreck survivor clinging to a bit of metaphorical driftwood, watching everything gently sink around you & just trying to make it through the next five minutes. Working out a way to control the story of your break-up and get the truth out there can be the thing to give you the will to paddle to shore.

[mindyourown1]

Crikey - don't keep his horrid secrets - the shame is all his and not yours. Why should you keep all this to yourself. It is very difficult to move on - but it is early days for you. But there will come a time when it doesn't matter and you no longer care. I have been in a similar situation, and those early months of anguish I would not wish on anybody. But trust me you will be ok and you deserve to find peace and happiness. Don't try and rationalise or comprehend what he has done - you never will because he doesn't operate on the same moral level as you.

You aren't a psycho btw - he called you that to justify his own actions.

[YvyB]

I know just what you mean about the grief. It is SO hard to come to terms with the fact that you loved someone who didnt actually exist. And it takes time to process and accept that.

Don't feel that asking your family for help is 'begging'. If it was my dc, I'd be horrified to think that they felt too ashamed to ask. You didnt do anything wrong. They WANT to help. They must feel so sad for you and it would probably make them feel that even though they cant take the hurt away, at least they can help make daily life easier for you.

I know you need to grieve for a future that has died, but dont think that that means there isn't another future for you. I promise it will get better.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I would be tempted to tell him "next time I hear of you bad mouthing me I will not keep quiet. I will tell them exactly what you were up to and will accompany it with pictures of your fingers up your arse that you sent to prostitutes as proof. HTH"

Of course you shouldn't do that but OMG I would be so angry!

[feelsoshit88]

I did say that it, and he laughed at me.

I know I'd never actually do it. It's not my style, he's right.

I will definitely tell a couple of my big mouthed friends though, and I will also not hide the truth if people ask me or talk to me about it. Will keep the photos for myself though as I look at them every time I miss him.

He stuck other stuff up his arse too. My mate says I should post them on a gay website with his mobile number. So tempting.

[BitOutOfPractice]

lol!

I found it very cathartic o make a big long list of all of the things I could do in revenge. I never did any of them but I had great fun thinking them up - sometimes with friends over a glass of wine

I agree though, don't go round slagging him off, but certainly put people straight. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You mentioned he could lose his job if this ever got out. Tell me it's none of my business but I'm itching to know what he does for a living.

[feelsoshit88]

It's not so much what he does for a living but who he works for. He works in an office with only a few people, a very small consultancy and he acts as a consultant for some of the biggest names in business. So if they knew that he had an "internet presence" of the kind he does, he would be sacked. It would take one link sent to a few people and his career would be dead in the water.

More to the point, the people he works for are a lovely husband and wife team who have moral values and loved spending time with us as a family and they always said how happy they were him and the kids found me. He told them a false story that I left HIM and got heaps of sympathy / time off!!!!

[Mrscaindingle]

Bitoutofpractise

I did that too, wrote long angry, bitter letters, imagined telling everyone on FB just what a lying selfish arse he was, thankfully never sent any of them. I read them a while ago and was slightly embarrassed at how demented i sounded.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OP... I think you'd thoroughly benefit from dreaming up a safe and untraceable way to let Mr & Mrs Sympathetic Employer know the awful truth. People will say 'Cog you're encouraging the OP to be petty and vindictive - for shame' but I think there are times when you either have to turn or be content to be a worm. Even if you don't follow through, what's missing at the moment is any sense of anger.

Upset, depression, etc are what happens when the hurt is all turned in on yourself and you are paralysed by feelings of powerlessness. Find the anger, turn it outwards, put the blame where it lies ... start to make progress. One day you won't be upset and you won't feel anything at all towards him either, and that's when you'll know you're recovered.

[feelsoshit88]

Thing is Cog, if this makes any sense....because all of this has been so evil and has gone against everything I thought we were and all the principles I thought we shared I don't actually want to do anything nasty to him.

Reason being, at this point at least I know I was who I said I was and I want to keep being that. Even if it means he temporarily is victorious I do think in the long run it's the last bit of self esteem he wasn't able to take from me.

I do need to get in touch with the anger though in some way.

[mindyourown1]

I agree with Cog.

And you can tell the truth without being vindictive or nasty. Why are you protecting him in this way? You owe him no loyalty - he certainly didn't show you any did he.

[Mrscaindingle]

Far be it for me to disagree with your advice Cog but I for one am glad now that I didn't give in to those desires for revenge as tempting as they were at the time and it was on the advice of Mumsnetters that I didn't. I think the fantasies are good though and certainly hang on to those screenshots you never know...

Op I do think you need to get angry though and not allow your Ex to apportion blame your way. Anger at least gives you some energy and focus and sounds like you could do with a bit of that right now.

[feelsoshit88]

It's not becaue I feel I owe him loyalty, it's because I don't want to become a diferrent person because of what he did.

I do need to get angry though

[mindyourown1]

No fair enough - but telling someone what he did does not make you a bad person at all. I told people what my ex did - not his employer admittedly, but I told my friends what he had done. I don't regret it. I didn't sensationalise or get vindictive - I just told the truth. And then folk supported me through it. I found sharing helped enormously.