NC with DMother. Do I tell her I'm pregnant?

[SeaSaltMill]

Hi all.

I am NC with my DM. She and my DF split over 10 years ago and she still tries to manipulate him. She is toxic, I believe narcissistic and basically I cannot bear to be around her.

Bit of backstory:

I fell pregnant early 2013. Myself, DH, and DF went to my DM's house to tell her the good news (I think I almost hoped it would bring us closer to some sort of relationship and open doors for her to see her first grandchild) she didn't seem too bothered and when I later miscarried she didn't really get in touch or anything. I decided then that was it, total NC. I don't need someone like that in my life. I later miscarried another 2 times but she doesn't know about them.

Well I'm pregnant again. 9 weeks 3 days at the mo, had two scans so far and things seem ok. My DF asked me when I will be telling my DM. I replied I wouldn't. He was shocked and said 'she NEEDS to know'. My DH also thinks I need to tell her.

I suppose its only fair to let her know but I wont be going out of my way to tell her in person. Would a text or a letter be ok? It would be her first Grandchild. I don't know what sort of relationship, if any, I would want her to have with my child.

I'm not really sure what to do. I wont be telling her until after 12 weeks anyway but just trying to work it out in my head. 12 weeks isn't too far away now.

Thanks.

You tell her when you are ready. A letter or email would suffice. You've done the whole telling her and hoping that your relationship will improve thing before. She showed you exactly what to expect, don't put yourself through it again.
She's your mother but that doesn't mean you have a life long obligation to bend over backwards trying to forge a relationship. Congrats on the baby.

'NC' means that the relationship is over, there's no contact, no obligation to pass on news, pay visits, attend ceremonies, observe birthdays etc. They just don't figure in your life. Ironically, your DM appears to have embraced the 'NC' concept better than you have by being fully out of touch. What you seem to be saying is that you feel you want to retain some kind of relationship but you'd prefer it on your terms and preferably at a distance. If that's the case then that's what you tell your father, husband and anyone else who asks.

Thanks I think you're right.

I half hoped my dad would just tell her for me. But I know it needs to come from me really.

If this woman is too toxic to have in your life, she's too toxic to be in your child's life.

The last thing you need when you are pregnant, or when you have a new baby, is an abusive relative causing you grief.

I did not tell either of my parents (NC for many years) when I was pregnant with DS. And I have not told them this time either. Best decision ever. My family is happy and free.

Why does she "need" to know? So she can be horrid to you like last time? If she couldn't act appropriately when she was raising you, her own child, what makes you think a grandchild will change things?

I have been completely NC since telling her about the last pregnancy. And when telling her it was the first contact in over 18 months. I think it was a mistake to tell her I felt a bit coerced into it really.

We never had the conversation that we would be NC I just stopped contacting her after the final conversation about me being up my own arse.

I just hate the idea of speaking to her again. I hate the idea of her knowing our news. Maybe its unfair of my dad and DH to put that pressure on me to tell her. But part of me still feels like I should tell her. I don't know.

I don't know Zara8. I said to him she doesn't NEED to know. But then I feel like I'm the one who is in the wrong, even though I know I'm not.

I don't understand why you would tell her.

I've been NC with my mother for 2 years. That means she is dead to me. There is no relationship. I didn't tell her when my dad died, I didn't tell her when my marriage broke down. She is no longer part of my life.

If I had another child, I wouldn't tell her. She is nobody to me anymore.

That's what being NC means.

I suppose it must just mean different things to different people.

It is unfair of your father and especially your DH to put on pressure. Your DH particularly is supposed to be supportive of your decisions. If he disagrees and wants to try to persuade you otherwise, then have an honest discussion. But ultimately, as it is your DM, you have the final say.

Families being what they are, your DM will find things out about you on the grapevine. Have the courage of your convictions.

I don't have her as part of my life, she doesn't feature in my mind at all, its every one else who seems to think she should.

I'm just going to tell them to back off and stop pressuring me to speak to someone who makes me feel like a 3 year old again. She actually intimidates me still and I don't need the stress when I'm going through a pretty stressful pregnancy anyway. I don't need her. Further more, I don't want her.

Thanks everyone.

DH knows how I feel but I think its different for him because he hasn't really ever had to deal with her. He's seen her on one of her tirades though and if I told him 100% I want nothing to with her he would understand. He has a lovely DM who has been a wonderful influence in my life for the past 7 years so he doesn't understand how a mother can be like she is. He also doesn't understand how I can just cut her out.

I will be frank with him and my dad.

Fear, obligation and guilt are making you feel this way. Society's natural order tells us parents must be respected and be part of an adult child's life. It's deeply ingrained in us, that's why you are having these feelings.

That's ok when parents are kind and loving. But your mother has not acted like a mother should. She brings you unhappiness and pain. She has no entitlement to know about or see her grandchild. All children should be protected from people who could hurt or abuse them. That also means their parents should be protected from psychological harm, so they are in the best frame of mind to care for their young child.

You've said you don't want to tell her, and you wish you hadn't last time. That's all you need to know. Your gut is telling you what to do.

Your father is probably still under her emotional control a bit. Not your problem. Protect yourself and your family. You need to tell your DH what you need to feel safe and strong. I think, based on what you've said, is to keep her out of your life.

It took my DH and his (lovely) parents a long time to understand how much pain and emotional suffering my parents caused me. And how bizarre and manipulative their behaviour was. DH backs me 100% now and he says the proof is how happy and strong I have grown since I went NC.

Tell your DH you need his support and for him to trust in you. It is so hard for someone who has not been through similar to understand why you need to be free from dysfunctional and abusive parents.

You sound like you know yourself and what you want!

Be clear to your DH, DF and any other person why you can't have her in your life. And ask them to please respect and support your decision.

100% agree. Thank you.

If you aren't in contact with someone, why would you tell them you are pregnant? If you want to be in contact with her again, write to her to tell her you are pregnant (and tell her you hope she gets in touch). If you don't want to be in contact, then don't contact her.

It's up to your father to enforce his own emotional boundaries. You don't need to take sides on that.

No no no. Abusive and manipulative people will use anything they can to control you, this would just be another way of doing that.

How long before she "needs" to see the baby, how long before she "needs" to have the baby stay over, how long before she "needs" to tell your child what a bitch its mother is.....?

Feel free to PM me at any time OP - this is something I've meditated a lot on since becoming a mum myself. I think it took my mother dying last year (didn't find out till much later) to realise just how much I DIDN'T need her in my life (I felt relief and a weight off my shoulders). But the immediate newborn period can be overwhelming/lead to subconscious fears about turning into your mother surfacing. I realise that a lot of the upset and distress I felt when my son was born was related to my mother. So if you ever want to chat about that kind of stuff, drop me a line.

Conversely I love having DH's parents in our life, they add so much joy and support (even from afar as we live a long way away). DMIL came and looked after me when my son was born, will be doing the same in a few months when our new baby arrives. Maybe you could ask your lovely DMIL for some "mum" support during your pregnancy and in the newborn period?

agreed with zara, YOU know what YOU want and it's other people who don't understand the situation who are pressuring you.

I don't think you need the sadness/dislike/hurt that is reactivated when you are in contact and she is indifferent to your loss.

Perosnally I have come to take the view that if close people aren't there for you in the bad times, then they aren't going to be there in the good times either. My father only wants to hear things are going well, though he expects me to jump to his tune if he calls. He is never, ever there in the bad times - won't even acknowledge them, even when there is serious danger to life - and so, I have no interest in sharing the good times either. Not that he much cares either way.

it hurts less to keep unloving people at a distance and since you are the one who experiences the pain, you're the one who gets to decide if she hears or not.

By the way if someone hasn't mentioned it, the Stately Homes thread is a good place for people who've had parents who make life difficult

Also, preg (specially near the birth) and just after the baby is born, expect family to weigh heavily on your mind. Seems to happen to everyone, but if you have harmful parents then the sorting out process is harder and rather sadder.

yeah, talk to your husband. And maybe give him the Toxic Parents book, it explains things clearly and well about parents who can seem loving but aren't.

Some people, a lot of the 'mother love' is just show in order to keep appearances up.

"How long before she "needs" to see the baby, how long before she "needs" to have the baby stay over, how long before she "needs" to tell your child what a bitch its mother is.....?"

To be fair... in spite of an appalling track-record of abusive behaviour, the DM in this story hasn't been trying to get in touch or anything else that would indicate that she is the slightest bit interested in the OP, let alone trying to interfere or control. She is notable by her complete absence. All the pressure on the OP is coming from other people and some self-imposed ideas of doing the right thing.

I agree with those who are saying that NC means no relationship.

You need to tell her nothing, unless you want to.

It needs to come from you, at the end of the day she's still your mum and you only get one.

I try not to do anything that I would feel guilty about once they were gone

You might only get one mum, but it's a real shame if she's shit at being a mum.

Gut instinct is always ALWAYS what to go for here. OP doesn't want her in her life. Others are pressuring her to contact her because of social conditioning to Honour Thy Mother And Father.

I don't regret not telling my mother she had a grandson before she died. If you're NC it shouldn't matter if they are alive, dead or somewhere in between. The relationship is not workable.

And actually I think I have got a second chance at having a mum through my DMIL. She does actual "mum" things.

at the end of the day she's still your mum and you only get one

The kind of sentimental nonsense only spouted by someone who has no idea what it's like.

Presumably she chose to conceive you? You may be her only daughter! At the very least, you're the only SeaSaltMill in the entire world. But that's not enough to make her a good mother to you.

You owe her nothing.

It took me 37 years to go NC with my mother. I wish I'd done it sooner. She's pretty much destroyed me emotionally and mentally. I don't wish her dead, but the sooner it happens, the less chance there is of me bumping into her in Sainsbury's.