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Original poster

NC with DMother. Do I tell her I'm pregnant?

54 replies

SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 12:00

Hi all.

I am NC with my DM. She and my DF split over 10 years ago and she still tries to manipulate him. She is toxic, I believe narcissistic and basically I cannot bear to be around her.

Bit of backstory:

I fell pregnant early 2013. Myself, DH, and DF went to my DM's house to tell her the good news (I think I almost hoped it would bring us closer to some sort of relationship and open doors for her to see her first grandchild) she didn't seem too bothered and when I later miscarried she didn't really get in touch or anything. I decided then that was it, total NC. I don't need someone like that in my life. I later miscarried another 2 times but she doesn't know about them.

Well I'm pregnant again. 9 weeks 3 days at the mo, had two scans so far and things seem ok. My DF asked me when I will be telling my DM. I replied I wouldn't. He was shocked and said 'she NEEDS to know'. My DH also thinks I need to tell her.

I suppose its only fair to let her know but I wont be going out of my way to tell her in person. Would a text or a letter be ok? It would be her first Grandchild. I don't know what sort of relationship, if any, I would want her to have with my child.

I'm not really sure what to do. I wont be telling her until after 12 weeks anyway but just trying to work it out in my head. 12 weeks isn't too far away now.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 13:46

I dread bumping into my mum anywhere. A cold hard dread that makes me question what I ever did for her to make me feel like this.

Yes she is my mum, yes I only have one, but I am her only daughter and she doesn't seem to give a shit about me! She has told lies about me, tried to make out that I'm making everything up. I don't need that shit. My MIL is 10 times the mother to me that my own mother will ever be.

Fuck her.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 23/07/2014 13:49

at the end of the day she's still your mum and you only get one

Yes, which is why it is such a shame that some women choose to throw away their relationship with their children.

NEWS FLASH!! No one wants to go NC with their parents. I know several people who have, DH included, and everyone of them would give everything they have to have a good relationship with the parent they have cut off. He doesnt throw letters and cards in the bin, he has me open them and read them in the hopes that one day a card will come that doesnt contain abuse, emotional blackmail and demands, but contains an apoplogy and the words "I love you", which he has never heard from his mother. It will never happen. So he has cut himself off to avoid more hurt, he had to do it to protect himself but he didnt want to.

Egghead68 · 23/07/2014 13:51

Just don't tell her.

Zara8 · 23/07/2014 13:53

When I was pregnant with my son, I wondered if I would understand or sympathise with my parents and their behaviour. After all, they used to say "you'll see when you have children".

Actually, I understand their behaviour even less. I cannot comprehend how someone could choose to treat their children as abominably as my parents treated me and my siblings. I am more angry now about their behaviour than I was before I became a mother.

If I ever treated my precious, wonderful children like that I would expect them to cut me out of their lives. But seeing as I would lay down my life for them I can't imagine ever behaving as my mother did....

ouryve · 23/07/2014 13:55

It sounds like by telling her you would be opening yourself up to more uncertainty and rejection and, if she did decide she wanted to be involved, a whole new world of bullshit. Even if he thinks she needs to know, it's good that your father hasn't told her without your consent.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 14:01

OP... with respect.... all of this pressure to do something is coming from your father, husband and to a certain extent yourself. Your DM is completely absent from this and whether you tell her or not, will probably continue to ignore you. Is that why you're annoyed... that you've gone NC to make a point and she's ignoring you?

Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 14:04

I think the most pressure does come from me, because ive been told constantly i'm not a good daughter.

No I'm not angry she's ignoring me. In the beginning she would send me cryptic self pitying text messages asking me to 'come back'. I'm glad she doesn't do that anymore because they just wound me up.

I'm angry I'm in this situation in the first place because of her.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 14:07

Sadly, we don't get to choose our parents and we have few rights as children. Being angry at your situation is like being angry at having curly hair... bugger all you can do about it now. However, being an adult means making decisions about the situation you find yourself in and expecting those around us to respect those decisions. That's your challenge. Your DM is really irrelevant to that.

Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 14:10

Yeah to be fair, I only get angry when I am thinking about it specifically. Most of the time it doesn't even register with me.

I haven't heard from her in over a year. So really, she has no right to expect to know anything about me. And I have no obligation to tell her anything, so I wont.

She will probably find out and play the wounded victim but I just don't care.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 23/07/2014 14:15

I have had no contact with my mother for 23 years where I have spoken to her. She has got messages to me via relatives Angry. I have never told her I married and had children but others have Angry.

Your father and husband have NO right to tell you what your mother needs to know or to try and make you tell her. She doesn't care. Why should she get the chance to piss on your good news.

Your father and husband are totally out of order and are acting like they have no clue of the upset your mother has given you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 14:15

Being totally honest, you do care or you wouldn't be writing this thread. But if you get DH and DF off your back you can limit the amount of time you spend caring to a minimum, as you say, and get on with your life, get on with your pregnancy and enjoy your baby in due course... that's called keeping things in perspective and being in control.

springydaffs · 23/07/2014 14:30

I don't think it's as straiightforward as blithely cutting her off and forgetting about her. As you have seen, it isn't as eeasy as that. There's loss and longing and all the hurt - and anger. Not all bad parents are 'black' through and through, there are grades. Fulll-on toxicity is one thing - you have to cut them off or drastically curtail contact - but families can be terribly dysfunctiinal because of damage that has been passed down eg.

What I'm saying is that I don't think it's black and white. I can't cut off my parents, mainly bcs they're old and it would kill them - some could say 'so what after all they've done to you?' and maybe there's a point to that. What I see are two desperately damaged, contorted people. I'm not a martyr, I just can't do it, though I keep contact amazing short and shallow, barely brushing the surface. They can go to their grave thinking they were good-enough parents, it's too late for anything else.

Sorry for essay. If you want her to know at some stage (though it sounds like it needs to be as late as possible), then tell her but learn how to protect your boundaries and keep them t-i-g-h-t. I've had a lot of therapy around this, have you? I think it's a prerequisite if you have toxic parent/s.

Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 15:06

I know there are worse mothers out there than my own, but there are also much better ones. I have posted in the stately homes thread about her and was met with resounding agreement that I am better without her.

I have cut her off because she isn't content with contact on my terms, I used to have to call her a certain number of times in a week or she got annoyed, if I miss a phone call I get a shitty voicemail, I was told many times I don't put enough effort in with her, when she invited me round to hers for a couple of hours one Sunday morning because, in her own words 'your brother is out and I have nothing to do'. This was all before she threw a paddy at my wedding and later told me I was evil, up my own arse and thought I was something special.

I don't want to go into the whole backstory because its draining, much like the 'relationship' I had with her. Which is why I no longer have one.

Its just times like this that throw up that question 'when are you going to tell your mum' and I just think 'I don't know if I am even going to tell her'. Of course I have dealt with the 'but she's your mum' and 'you only get one mum' comments and usually am happy to just say 'I know, and she's not a very good one!' But in this situation its different.

I think, like a PP has said, the pressure comes from society and mainly those who don't have a clue what its like to have a mother who constantly feels the need to belittle, ridicule or scoff at anything you do. As well as try and make you feel like a piece of shit in order to feel better about herself.

I have had some counselling, I think perhaps I need to look into more especially now I am going to be a mother myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 15:09

Just to say, DH isn't on my back about it, but if we talk about her he will say something like 'you have to talk to her at some point you know' and I just say 'no I don't.' He also thinks she should know that she is going to have a grandchild, but I don't see why she would care when she doesn't care about me.

Funny enough she adores my younger brother and tells the world what a great mother she is, always using him as an example.

OP posts:
Meerka · 23/07/2014 15:11

In the case of some mothers, thank GOD you only get one.

slithytove · 23/07/2014 15:12

Don't tell her, someone else can if they deem it necessary, and I think it's a bit shit of DH and DF putting this stress and pressure on you when you have a history of miscarriage and are in early pregnancy.

Congratulations Thanks

NatashaBee · 23/07/2014 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 23/07/2014 15:20

Yep, my mother didn't want me but thinks she has rights to my children Angry.

Tell your husband to back off. You don't have to do anything with regards to your mum.

Itsfab · 23/07/2014 15:21

Confused Natasha - why bother telling her? Makes no sense.

MaryWestmacott · 23/07/2014 15:34

I would say if you don't want to be in contact with her, then don't be.

If it's important to your dad that your mum knows, then tell him you don't mind (after the 12week scan) if he tells her, but you are not going to contact her.

The only possible reason I can see for her 'needing to know' is if you live in a small enough town that someone else will congratulate her on the birth of her grandchild that she knew nothing about. But that doesn't need to come from you, your dad can do it if it matters to him...

Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 15:41

Yes that would happen, not because of being in a small town, but other family members.

I'm going to do that, my dad, brother, anyone can tell her but I wont go out of my way to.

I am also going to look into more counselling to get past the fact that somehow this is my fault.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 23/07/2014 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SeaSaltMill · 23/07/2014 16:05

Same as you Natasha I don't want to put anyone else in an awkward position having to hide it from her.

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 23/07/2014 16:10

If she is embarrassed by congratulations for a grandchild she didn't know she had, tough. When you are a shit parent there are consequences.

HumblePieMonster · 23/07/2014 16:21

Tell her nothing.

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