NC with DMother. Do I tell her I'm pregnant?

[SeaSaltMill]

Hi all.

I am NC with my DM. She and my DF split over 10 years ago and she still tries to manipulate him. She is toxic, I believe narcissistic and basically I cannot bear to be around her.

Bit of backstory:

I fell pregnant early 2013. Myself, DH, and DF went to my DM's house to tell her the good news (I think I almost hoped it would bring us closer to some sort of relationship and open doors for her to see her first grandchild) she didn't seem too bothered and when I later miscarried she didn't really get in touch or anything. I decided then that was it, total NC. I don't need someone like that in my life. I later miscarried another 2 times but she doesn't know about them.

Well I'm pregnant again. 9 weeks 3 days at the mo, had two scans so far and things seem ok. My DF asked me when I will be telling my DM. I replied I wouldn't. He was shocked and said 'she NEEDS to know'. My DH also thinks I need to tell her.

I suppose its only fair to let her know but I wont be going out of my way to tell her in person. Would a text or a letter be ok? It would be her first Grandchild. I don't know what sort of relationship, if any, I would want her to have with my child.

I'm not really sure what to do. I wont be telling her until after 12 weeks anyway but just trying to work it out in my head. 12 weeks isn't too far away now.

Thanks.

I don't see the point. What will it change? Do you secretly hope she will be a wonderful GM or suddenly take an interest in you or do you want to be able to say yes I've got your GC but you aren't seeing her?

Either way it just seems doomed. Someone will tell her.

I don't think she does 'need' to know at all. She has pushed you to the point where you can't have her in your life. That means she doesn't get to enjoy the good bits. What happens if you tell her? Will she expect to have a relationship with your DC?

Your DH sounds like he has absolutely no understanding of having a toxic parent. I think you should remind him that not everyone is lucky enough to have a mum like your mil, and instead of worrying about the feelings of someone who has caused you years of pain, he should respect your decision to cease contact, even if he doesn't understand it.

Of course she doesn't'need'to know!
This is pressure from your df, op. He is the one who should be respecting your decision.

Freespirit -that sort of pressure is what made me invite my father to my wedding (after several years nc, my mum kept saying'he's your father! You only get one' -more because she wanted to see him I think. He got drunk and proceeded to give me some 'home truths'. Bastard. Not seen him since tg - 21 years ago.

Your life, your baby, op.

I don't the need to tell her comes from saving the ops mum's feelings, but rather the feelings of others, not sure if they are allowed to say, not wanting to be the one to do it, or just not knowing she doesn't know then accidentally telling her and the person telling getting embarrassed.

Telling your dad and db they can tell her is the right move.