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Original poster

DP's spooning at night drives me up the wall!

78 replies

pavilionredsquare · 23/07/2014 09:08

Have had quite a big row with my DP this morning because of his "need" to snuggle and spoon either when I'm just about to drift off to sleep or whilst I am asleep drives me absolutely mad!

I quite like having a cuddle in bed before falling asleep but I can't fall asleep while "attached" to someone else ifywim. So I'll cuddle with DP, then announce that I want to go to sleep, turn over etc.

He on the other hand, loves falling asleep in each other's arms. Quite often after I've turned over having told him I am going to sleep he will start spooning me and it is really doing my head in. I get so grumpy when I'm tired and just can't sleep if he is cuddling me.

Last night he kept trying to cuddle me and I got quite cross as I was shattered and just wanted to sleep. He got all offended and said that had never met anyone with such an aversion to cuddling. I had also woken up in the middle of the night with him cuddling and also talking to me which he denied when I told him this morning.

In every other respect we have a good relationship. There is no lack of affection -we hold hands, massage each other's feet in front of the tv, kiss, cuddle, sex life is good.

AIBU?

OP posts:

splendidpup · 23/07/2014 16:30

I like snuggling up when it's cold. But at the moment - no way, we are at opposite sides of the bed with maybe a couple of toes touching just to keep contact. Or not even that if it's really hot!

I'd find it hard to be with someone who won't snuggle at all, but I think you are reasonable in having some cuddle time then separating a bit to sleep. Does he see your turning your back as a rejection of him? It isn't, but some people will see it that way. Talk to him about why he feels the need for constant contact, and why you feel the need for no contact, and the fact that his need for contact and your need for space doesn't reflect the strength of your feelings about each other. I've known cuddlers who basically haven't given a shit about me, and separate sleepers who doted on me.

4seasons · 23/07/2014 16:42

This would drive me insane . At the moment we are in separate bedrooms because of the heat .... I love it . Shall find it very difficult to go back " together " when the weather gets cooler . DH is already looking sort of down in the mouth about the arrangements but I am enjoying my freedom to keep the light on, read books , throw open the windows etc.Plus he keeps me awake for hours some night with his snoring . I have decided that some men like their woman in bed with them for their convenience and don't give a thought to the quality of their partners sleep .

So , out of bed tell him it drives you mad and you need your sleep and you need him to respect your feelings and needs . Like other posters I wonder if he ignores what you want / believe in over other issues .

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/07/2014 16:44

I like to sleep with no contact whatsoever.

Preferably my own bed.

Crinkle77 · 23/07/2014 16:45

I am with you OP I hate it too. I need my own space and find it annoying cos you can't move in to a different position. Plus they always end up on your side of the bed cuddling you so they have loads of space while you are squashed up on the end.

HolgerDanske · 23/07/2014 16:48

4seasons, can't you stay that way if it's better all round? Apparently loads of people do it these days and it works just fine long term.

Meerka · 23/07/2014 16:55

I had this but we sorted it out. He felt hurt and rejected but I did give him lots of attetnion at other times too, and in the end he adjusted ok.

It's got to a bad point though if .... I actually dread going to bed with him because I know that he will not leave me alone.

I think you need to tell him this straight.

Touch is an incredibly powerful thing. Being touched unwanted is oppressive and smothering (at least so I found). People have different comfort levels. Your bf needs to back off a long way.

He then says that he wants to leave to go home (we don't live together) and says he's not sure if he is coming back. Says he has never met anyone like me who doesn't like cuddling.

To put this much pressure on you is ridiculous. If he keeps on like this, the only reasonable answer is "alright, goodbye" But if he's threatening to leave you like this but not actually doing it, watch out cause like others say, he might well be doing it in other areas of your relationship too

clam · 23/07/2014 17:01

Eww, I hate this too.
But agree that more of an issue is his determination to ignore your wishes and try to paint you as having a problem.

splendidpup · 23/07/2014 18:03

'He then says that he wants to leave to go home (we don't live together) and says he's not sure if he is coming back'.

Just seen this bit. WTF? I'd tell him to stop sitting on the fence then, go home, think about it. If he doesn't ever come back because of this, then ok, we've broken up over this. If he does come back, he doesn't get to moan about it any more. His choice. And that I don't accept blackmail/attempts to manipulate me in my relationships, so another situation like this and I'll be ending it.

VenusDeWillendorf · 23/07/2014 18:07

I agree splendidpup.
Great post.

Joysmum · 23/07/2014 18:22

I hate it too, the only thing I hate more is being breathed on.

Luckily, DH agrees about the spooning but is still a heavy breather so I have to face out wards when he's faced towards me.

Doitforme · 23/07/2014 18:26

How long have you been seeing each other OP

hamptoncourt · 23/07/2014 18:32

Kill Him.

FryOneFatManic · 23/07/2014 19:12

I can't sleep if I'm touching or being touched by DP. It makes me feel really hot, always has done.

So we have cuddles, etc, then go to sleep on our own side of the bed. I can sometimes doze cuddled up to him, but only after I've had a decent nights sleep, we tend to do this on rare lie-ins.

OP, it's him with the problem, not you. He's not respecting your feelings.

MrsWinnibago · 23/07/2014 19:15

I am on the other side of this. I like sometimes to fall asleep hugging but DH won't countenance it. I feel sad about it now and then but totally would NEVER push it on him.

I do think though that once in while my DH could make the effort.

Toomanyhouseguests · 23/07/2014 19:22

YANBU! I couldn't bear it. For me, it would be grounds for divorce. Seriously.

Feeling hot, trapped and uncomfortable. No, no, no.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/07/2014 19:26

I always like the idea of spooning but can never drop off like that. In this weather, not a chance

TeenyfTroon · 23/07/2014 19:44

splendidpup, and many others, are right.

My (over)reaction is to shout RUN, RUN!

If all else fails, go with hamptoncourt's idea. Definitely.

HillyHolbrook · 23/07/2014 20:02

Are you me, OP?

It's especially bad now I'm pregnant, he spoons me and rubs my belly. It's sweet until I'm ready to actually go to sleep, or he'll chunter away and make the baby kick me and then it makes me want to kick him.

I know he's just being affectionate but I really wish he wouldn't. We already have a kingsize duvet on our double bed so he can spoon an edge of it without stealing any off me! I'm hoping the sleepless nights when PFB arrives will make him too tired to be cuddly

HillyHolbrook · 23/07/2014 20:03

Oh I didn't see he stropped off because you won't let him paw you all night long. Definitely kill him. With suffocation, so he knows how you feel.

violetwellies · 23/07/2014 22:57

Loving marriage guidance from hamptoncourt

oliveoliveolive · 23/07/2014 23:04

My ex used to do this all the time and his cuddles were really tight too! And he used to get very sweaty in the summer so I didn't understand how he was enjoying it either!

LuluJakey1 · 23/07/2014 23:20

Hilyholbrook Are you me? My DH does all of that. Rubs the bump, talks to it, will kiss it if I am lying on my back. It is sweet but it drives me mad too. I am nearly 17 weeks so it doesn't kick yet.

I love a cuddle and when it's cold, l like to fall asleep with DH. cuddled in behind me. But when it's hot he has to sleep a foot away from me - he radiates heat. I sleep with an electric fan on and no duvet in summer.

He will cuddle in in the middle of the night but I tell him to move if it is too hot.

I like waking up in the morning and being cuddled or cuddling up to him.

Often we have a cuddle at night and then say goodnight and sleep apart in the bed. We both like to face outwards.

Funkyannie · 23/07/2014 23:20

I have just split up with my partner of 5 years for being manipulative and he does this.

Funkyannie · 23/07/2014 23:21

Forgot to add, I'm in the spare bed tonight (yes the breakup is that recent, as in today) and I am looking toward to having the whole bed to myself. :)

crazylady321 · 23/07/2014 23:31

Im with you on this, We cuddle like mad but once I know I want to sleep thats it although I have been known to fall asleep on his chest while watching films so im slightly hypercritical.. I dont like saying anything too harsh to him though as I know im lucky to have such an effectionate man so I kind of just push him away and make my excuses. Only time I have shouted at him was a few months into our relationship whilst spooning he would wrap his leg around me and kind of pin me down with his leg was so uncomfy asked him nicely first time not to and he stopped but he did it again the next time he slept over and I was tired and cranky already and ended up snapping at him and I actually think that is the only time Ive had to get mad with him

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