Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DP's spooning at night drives me up the wall!

78 replies

pavilionredsquare · 23/07/2014 09:08

Have had quite a big row with my DP this morning because of his "need" to snuggle and spoon either when I'm just about to drift off to sleep or whilst I am asleep drives me absolutely mad!

I quite like having a cuddle in bed before falling asleep but I can't fall asleep while "attached" to someone else ifywim. So I'll cuddle with DP, then announce that I want to go to sleep, turn over etc.

He on the other hand, loves falling asleep in each other's arms. Quite often after I've turned over having told him I am going to sleep he will start spooning me and it is really doing my head in. I get so grumpy when I'm tired and just can't sleep if he is cuddling me.

Last night he kept trying to cuddle me and I got quite cross as I was shattered and just wanted to sleep. He got all offended and said that had never met anyone with such an aversion to cuddling. I had also woken up in the middle of the night with him cuddling and also talking to me which he denied when I told him this morning.

In every other respect we have a good relationship. There is no lack of affection -we hold hands, massage each other's feet in front of the tv, kiss, cuddle, sex life is good.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 23/07/2014 10:22

And wtf is with trying his hardest to wake you up just because he can't sleep?!

I'd be looking out carefully for more selfishness and lack of thought to your well being in other areas of your relationship, if I'm honest.

Ugh.

HayDayQueen · 23/07/2014 10:51

So he's not actually asleep when he tries to spoon you? Knowing that you don't like it?

Not on at all! Stop trying to be nice, and just elbow him or kick him with your legs, just hard enough for it to be unpleasant. Whether he's awake or asleep he'll move.

I hate spooning when sleeping. Big bed and a nice big pillow in between us does the trick!!!! DH has taken to cuddling the pillow in his sleep now.

I can't even stand being breathed on, and have been known to raise my pillow up so DH's breath doesn't come anywhere near me.

Original poster

pavilionredsquare · 23/07/2014 11:05

After telling him that I want to get to sleep and turning over, I bat him away with my hand and tell him to leave me alone. He then says that he wants to leave to go home (we don't live together) and says he's not sure if he is coming back. Says he has never met anyone like me who doesn't like cuddling. I'm thinking this could be a deal breaker as I just feel molested by him when he doesn't respect my feelings.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/07/2014 11:06

This drives me nuts, my dh does this his hands and arms weigh a tonne and after a while when he's snoring I'm pinned to the bed in pain because he's weighing down on me.

After sex my mantra used to be and still is to some extent, if you ain't got a stuff crust meat feast and 20 Bensons then Piss off back to your own side of the bed. I know I'm a charmer aren't I

HolgerDanske · 23/07/2014 11:08

It's a deal breaker. The words you're using to describe how you feel make that clear to me.

Be glad you don't already have children with him, and get out now while it's easy, quick and probably almost pain free.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/07/2014 11:14

Buy him one of those nice long maternity pillows to cuddle.

As for the - I don't know if I am coming back. Well - if its a deal breaker for him, then let him go - what does he cuddle at home?

HayDayQueen · 23/07/2014 11:14

You ARE being molested by him!

Red flag? Red bunting strewn through the house more like.....

BeCool · 23/07/2014 11:16

Yes I think the total disregard for your feelings and wishes for your own body are a deal breaker too.

BeCool · 23/07/2014 11:16

And he is telling you this is YOUR problem and there is something wrong with you - nice!

IDontDoIroning · 23/07/2014 11:18

"After telling him that I want to get to sleep and turning over, I bat him away with my hand and tell him to leave me alone. He then says that he wants to leave to go home (we don't live together) and says he's not sure if he is coming back."

Next time he says that point to the door and tell him to make sure it doesn't hit him on his way out.

Seriously... sleep is a basic human need - sleep deprivation is used as torture. I can't stand being groped or spooned when trying to fall asleep or dozing either and I don't think I'm that unusual either.

So what he's saying is his desire to sleep cuddled up over rides your need for a decent sleep to ensure you can function properly.

TonyThePony · 23/07/2014 11:19

He sounds emotionally manipulative. Next time he threatens to go and home and not come back, let him, rejoice in starfishing all over your bed.

He doesn't sound very nice at all.

Theas18 · 23/07/2014 11:21

Absolutely with you!

That and breathing on me at night. heck I love you to bits but don't breathe on me when I'm asleep!

TheFirmament · 23/07/2014 11:21

Yes tell him that would be a great solution, then you can sleep in peace. And don't let him move in!

Dirtybadger · 23/07/2014 11:31

Yes to emotional manipulation. Also he's either lying or not slept with many women. By the numbers on this thread at least 50% don't like it (another one here who hates it). He's trying to make you feel weird for feelings that are perfectly normal, and punishing you (I'm going to go home) for those.
Tell him to go home. It is that "threat" that would do it for me...

He's jeopardising his relationship for spooning.
I don't understand some people.

Koothrapanties · 23/07/2014 11:37

Adding to the list of women who don't like it. Dh would be a cuddler but we talked about it and he respects my wishes. I need my sleep to look after dd, so we cuddle then go to sleep separately.

He sounds childish and emotionally manipulative. Get rid op.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/07/2014 11:38

Send him the fuck home. He's being a total dick. You know, I don't think I can ever share a bed again. I've slept alone for 2 years now and the one time I tried to share a bed (with my ex) I had to kick him out at 2am because I was almost in tears. And he was asleep and not even doing it on purpose! Anyone who failed to respect my sleep needs would not be sharing my bed, I'm not giving up my sleep just to pander to some insecure twat's need to use me as a comfort blanket. Fuck that.

BeCool · 23/07/2014 11:47

I wouldn't be telling him to go home next time he does it.

I'd be telling him that he can't stay the night again as he is neither listening to me or respecting me, and he is blaming me - until HE sorts all this out for himself he should stay at his own home.

upthedamnwotsit · 23/07/2014 12:57

This reminds me of a bloke I saw for a while in my early twenties. He used to get so distressed that I didn't want to constantly do things like cuddle, be held in bed and have sex. I always felt like I was in the wrong because if he was so genuinely upset, then how could he be the bad person ? It was obviously me. But looking back his complete refusal to pay any attention to my preferences and always pushing what he wanted (falling asleep in his arms and being constantly touched in the day) denoted a lack of respect. Refusing to acknowledge that the other person has a say too in the degree of physical constant that takes place.

I know what you mean by feeling molested. Him portraying you as abnormal and threatening to leave is unfair. He doesn't seem to see that what you not wanting something is just as legitimate as his desire.

Sorry, this has become a bit me, me, me, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone or in the wrong. In a situation like this it can be really confusing because being physically desired and contact are seen as 'good' things and flattering, but it can be taken too far.

upthedamnwotsit · 23/07/2014 12:58

Forgot to add: he sounds like a twat.

smokeandfluff · 23/07/2014 14:48

Another person here who hates spooning. We have a quick cuddle and then its off to opposite sides of the bed for us.
He sounds like he has no respect for you.

Diagonally · 23/07/2014 14:53

This is a red flag, OP. Not that he likes to cuddle, but that he's ignoring your wishes and your need to sleep.

He won't consider your feelings because he doesn't see you as a separate person, he sees you as someone who exists only to fulfil his needs.

I was married to someone like this for 15 years and his attitude pervaded every aspect of our life as a couple - sex, sleep, division of labour, childcare.

I finally left him after a two year period of financial abuse but wish I'd left so much earlier.

Oh and telling you you're not normal - another red flag. I believed for 15 years that there was something deeply wrong with me.

Turns out (have slept with 4 men since, none of whom had this weird need to be 'soothed' by me at the expense of my own needs) he was the abnormal one.

sebsmummy1 · 23/07/2014 15:02

Separate beds in my household due to OHs insomnia. I love it .

We still have lots of sex, I just send him back to his bed after or disappear back to mine and lay like a starfish with just a wonderful cool sheet for company. God knows how I will go back to dealing with his tossing and turning and 4am waking if I have to give up the spare room

HolgerDanske · 23/07/2014 15:04

Don't ever give up the spare room!

Lweji · 23/07/2014 15:15

Deal breaker for me too, particularly given the reactions you further posted. Not a good sign at all.

(we need an icon for red flag - MNHQ!)

DP's spooning at night drives me up the wall!

HopefulHamster · 23/07/2014 15:30

I like the idea of cuddling/spooning to sleep but can't handle the reality.

My husband snores and even ear plugs don't block it out. Most nights he'll try and sleep facing me (I prefer to face outwards anyway) and will try a bit of spoon/cuddle and I always make him turn away! I feel a bit mean but otherwise I feel like he's breathing/snoring on me. And the more worried I am about that, the harder it is for me to get to sleep, and I suffer a bit from insomnia anyway, whereas he snores as soon as he touches the pillow. If we go to bed realllllly early and I'm tired so know I'll sleep it might be different. Thankfully he is used to my ways and doesn't mind that my preference is different to his and will always literally roll over.

I'd be really frustrated if I was having the same conversation over and over about not liking it, and he was repeatedly moaning about it and taking offence.

Flip

1 2 3 4