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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband obsessed with prostitutes

81 replies

KatyD4 · 22/07/2014 23:04

My husband has a history of seeing/becoming obsessed with sex workers. Last time I was so devastated that I left him for four months. We are both in our sixties and it's the second marriage for both of us. We've been married for ten years but he has always been involved with other women and they are always 'professionals'. I could cope if it really was just a 'massage' or even full sex and it was a business transaction but he takes them out to dinner, buys them presents and texts them endlessly. He even invited one of them to a garden party at our house. I know when it's happening because he treats me off-handedly and is more critical.

I recently discovered that he had 'lent' one thousand of pounds --over 50 thousand and I left him but he promised to stop seeing her and all other sex workers but now I'm back at home and he's off again with a new one... He likes to advise them as to how they can run their business and make more money and more of themselves. Writing this I know I sound pathetic but I love him. My friend says either leave him or 'put up and shut up'. I feel useless and despairing tonight. Any ideas anyone ?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 23/07/2014 10:51

Divorce him quickly so you can get a share of that money he keeps giving to hookers.

warysara · 23/07/2014 10:57

Cogito: She says she accepts it. You have the same information that I do, so I'm not sure how you extrapolate all those other things.

It is all the non-professional part that isn't okay and I agree.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 11:21

Extrapolation is from the subtext. She has been devastated enough to leave on more than one occasion but chose to return... why? If he has £50k to give away, is the OP financially dependent? Is money/fear of poverty the driver? They are in their sixties and been married just 10 years and maybe there's a 'last chance' desperation not to grow old alone. The only positive rationale on the table for sticking around in anything they've written is 'but I love him'... which looks very thin up against the evidence that he has nothing but blatant contempt for her.

So when she says she could 'cope' with him using hookers I think what she's really saying is that she can't cope without him. He can clearly do without her.

VerityWaves · 23/07/2014 11:27

Oh no no no!!!

Your self esteem is in tatters woman. You must divorce him!!

BitOutOfPractice · 23/07/2014 11:35

wartsara you are the one leaping to conclusions - where does she say theres a lack of intimacy?

OP god I felt sick reading your posts and how you have been conditioned by him to believe it is "normal" to accept this from a partner. It most certainly is not.

Please please please leave him and take him to the cleaners

Jan45 · 23/07/2014 12:59

I too thought this is a joke right - why are you allowing someone to poison your life like this, let him carry on his sordid little life, you don't have to be part of it, sorry if you love him, he sure as heck doesn't love you.

HazelBite · 23/07/2014 13:32

I am aghast, I am in my 60's but would rather live alone with my cats than with a dirty sleazy old man like this.
Op you have enabled this by allowing him to get away with this, it truly is not normal behaviour.

You have no relationship with him he neither likes or respects you, there is nothing there. This will not stop it will only get worse, you are far lonelier in this relationship that if you lived on your own, you cannot love him, he is vile to you, get a grip please, wake up and smell the coffee you are putting your mental and physical health at risk!!!

SnazzyHotFlush · 23/07/2014 13:40

Did you meet him via the 'industry'?

Is that why you are willing to tolerate some of the stuff you suggested?

Is he seeing them for specialist services?

FrontForward · 23/07/2014 13:41

What are you frightened of? Something is stopping you leaving him and it's not because you love him. That sort of 'love' is just clinging to some flotsam because you're frightened of drowning.

You won't drown.

Leave him and live a happy life

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2014 14:01

If this is for real then WTF are you doing.
Get out.
Get to a solicitor.
Get advice from CAB.
Join some nice local clubs. Walking, bowling, painting, cooking, do a course.... Anything to keep you busy and away from this vile creature.

Some interesting questions from Snazzy, didn't think of it from that angle!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/07/2014 17:04

It's one thing to say you'd be accepting of him consorting with prostitutes if was only about him having sex with them and no more.

It's quite another for him to be taking them out to dinner, getting involved with their business arrangements and giving them very large sums of money.

But he's invited one of them into your home for a garden-party? In front of your friends and acquaintances!

He's either seriously deluded about what these "relationships" are or he's their pimp. Or both.

If his behaviour is making you miserable, and I can't fathom how it couldn't, then there is only one sensible answer. Get out before your mental well-being is completely undermined.

I can't see how you are going to get a different answer, here or anywhere else you may ask.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 18:20

where has op gone

StickyMessi · 23/07/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

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weatherall · 23/07/2014 19:28

Giving £50k to anyone is grounds for divorce.

Adultery is grounds for divorce.

Having sex with prostitutes shows he's a misogynist.

Leave,leave,leave.

deste · 23/07/2014 20:39

He is disgusting and he obviously just sees you as his cook, cleaner and someone to wash and iron his clothes. Listen to your friend. You deserve better than this.

maggiethemagpie · 23/07/2014 21:12

Why do you love him OP? doesn't sound like love to me, but desperation not to be on your own. Please don't confuse it with love. Love yourself and leave him!

Original poster
KatyD4 · 23/07/2014 21:52

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. No I'm not 'in the industry' ! I had a well paid interesting and responsible job before I retired and though I was aware that our life together wasn't perfect, I didn't know about his other life until then, when I was around more.
In truth I've lived with this for so long now that I think I got to believe that it wasn't really so unusual or awful -I'm staggered by the response and feel really moved by everyone's support and by their strength of feeling -some of the answers even made me smile so I'm not THAT downtrodden !
On the flip side of course he can be lovely or I wouldn't be here after 10 years. He pleaded with me to return to him and friends and family said he was really desperate when I was away. I do think that I must leave him but it's not such an easy decision at my age and we have grandchildren (mine) who love him. Our house is up for sale I think I need to wait until I can take my half before I can go -Last time I rented a holiday cottage for the winter but I think I would stand more chance of not returning if I had a proper home of my own.

Thanks again --someone said they wondered if this could be true, believe me it not only is but there's much more that I haven't said because it's all so soap opera. I'm not some elderly wimp (I just behave like one).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 21:55

Do your family know the extent of his depravity and stupidity ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 21:57

You feel happy with your grandchildren being with this guy? Don't you want them to dip their wellies in Dettol after going anywhere near him?....

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 22:05

You see, you sound like an intelligent woman.

How do you live with such a stupid man ? He thinks he is having "relationships" with these women ? How deluded do you have to be to believe that ? They are fleecing him for your family money.

I would kick him out simply for that first and foremost. I can't bear stupid people, they bring me down. Don't you feel demeaned simply by dint of staying married to him ? What do you think these women think of you ? What do you think he tells his fake girlfriends about you ?

Original poster
KatyD4 · 23/07/2014 22:09

No my family don't know everything- just enough to explain why I left last year. I couldn't bear them to know. My friends are, I think, exasperated that I returned so I can't say that he's doing it again I suppose that's why I put this on Mumsnet. I don't (it's obvious isn't it) want to leave him and I'm sure there is a mix of reasons I just want it to stop he's 70 next year and actually our sex life has been good --surely he'll find one woman enough before long ?

It sounds unlikely I know but if I could ignore what he does we could be happy --it's just that I can't. I know no-one can solve this but me...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 22:12

It's very stressful keeping someone else's grubby secret out of misplaced pride and a fear of the 'I told you so' response. Unlike him, your friends actually seem to care about you. He's not going to stop if you don't provide an ultimatum and, even then, it's debatable. As it stands the message he has is that he can do just as he pleases and you'll still be there, same as ever. He has no incentive.

combust22 · 23/07/2014 22:13

How can you bear to have his filthy dick anywhere near you? It would make me gag knowing where it had been.

thestamp · 23/07/2014 22:14

how can you ignore 50 K disappearing from your family money?

look, if you want to turn a blind eye, that's your affair. but ffs, FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS. do you realise that there are families out there who could live on that amount for 2-3 years? that is an astonishing sum of money.

how can you do anything but leave him? he'll put you out on the street eventually. for the love of a string of sex workers.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 22:16

he will never stop because even when his wilting cock no longer has any life in it, he will find some young woman willing to coax it and worship it (for money of course)

he will soon find one woman enough ? oh please, listen to yourself

it was quite clear you are keeping his dirty secrets for him