Another am I being unreasonable thread!

[meagain]

Sorry about the change of name, I'm sure some of you will guess who I am and it isn't a secret it's just that dp knows my name on here and I didn't want him finding this too easily.

Dp and I are not getting on at all. The main problem is his work, he is always there and never here with me and the children.

At the moment he is buying a new unit and announced that he had to find an absolutely huge deposit to secure the unit (enough to buy another house). This isn't how much the mortgage will be on the unit, this is just the deposit.

He has told me that I shouldn't send the children to nursery anymore and my mum shouldn't come round to help as we won't be able to afford it. He will be taking a lot less money each month and I'm supposed to cut back accordingly. He tells me that this is for the children's future and they will be ok financially oneday. His will says a different story though, if anything happens to him, his business partner gets the entire business, we don't get anything. So I don't see how it is for their future.

Anyway the main problem at the moment is that he won't tell him how he is raising this huge deposit. Because I flipped out when he told me how much it was, he nows says he isn't telling me anything. It's none of my business, it doesn't affect me and I don't need to worry about it. I think it does affect me, financially it is already and if he is signing himself up for loads of debts surely that is a concern for both of us.

So my question is, do I have the right to know where he is getting the money from? This is the latest in a long line of problems and I think I am probably going to be on the phone to a solicitor today to find out if I have any rights. I have told dp this and he doesn't seem to care, which I suppose is a good indication of the state of our relationship!

Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any views, for or against.

No, you're not being unreasonable! Yes, get on the phone to a solicitor. Dp is being outrageously unreasonable in doing this without consulting you first. I'm speechless. These are the actions of an ignorant bully, surely?

I reckon that is emotional blackmail saying the money is for the kids future etc.
What about your life now and your future, as well the kids life and future now.
Not sending the kids to nursery and not having your Mum around. If the kids love nursery and playing friends what is that doing for them now.
Parenthood is not all about money - its about giving your kids time and love - which it sounds like he should be doing alot more of.
He sounds like he has more of a long term relationship with his partner than with you and the kids.
You should definately know how he will raise this money - especially if you are liable should things turn to custard.
Ring your solicitor, send the kids to nursery and go and do something pampering - a massage!

It sounds to me like he knows deep down that he is taking silly risks with this borrowing, and that is why he is trying to keep you out of it. Men like to take big risks, it's in their nature (it's a scientific fact). But they need a modicom of good sense to back their risk-taking instinct if they are to succeed. A man with one quality without the other can spend money faster than you can print it.

If you have given up work to raise children you are in a partnership and his financial affairs are as much your business as his. You each play a role in running the family and therefore you have every right to have a say in the family's financial affairs.

Not unreasonable.

Anybody else got any opinions? I just rang a solicitor and it is £60 for half an hour, a bit too expensive for me especially as I don't know where the money will come from.

Haven't read the other replies, have no idea who you are but anyway, yes, he's being completely unreasonable IMO but, if he's a dp rather than a dh you probably have very few legal rights I'd say. Unless the house is in joint names, is it? I do think it's your business what he does with his time and money if he's your partner, definitely. My dp wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without checking whether I thoguht it was a reasonable expense (and vice versa, neither would I atm) and this is impacting on your life, big time. As for the will, I think that's outrageous.

I completely agree with all www's points and I think this needs to be sorted for the sake of you and the children.

Could you try the CAB first for some basic advice? Not being unreasonable at all.

Yes, I think we need to know more as per beetroot's questions really to tell you what we think you should do about it though. Most solicitors will give you a free half hour if you ask or a fixed fee interview.

meagain - do you and dp own your house? I'd be concerned that he had used the house as backing for funding for his business. If it's in joint names then you would need to agree before he could use it as security but if it's just in his name he wouldn't even need to tell you. If he is using the family home like this then you need to protect yourself and the children just in case anything goes wrong with his business and you end up homeless. There are ways you can protect yourself by registering your interest in the family home at the land registry.

You also need to have a think about what other things you and dp own jointly - if things go pear shaped his creditors can take these assets. If you own things in your own name then keep it that way.

On the point about the will - does dp have life insurance? I don't mean to be morbid but it would give you peace of mind if he had an insurance policy that meant you and your children would be financially secure if anything happened to him. Policies are pretty reasonablly priced nowadays.

I'm sure your dp's business will be a huge success and I don't mean to be negative about this but I deal with situations like this day in day out as part of my job and have done for years. I almost always get involved when things have gone too far and I often find that if they'd thought about it sooner they could have avoided being in such a mess. You are absolutely right to be thinking about protecting your interests.

Yes I think he's being unreasonable. It seems as though he is expecting you to make all these sacrifices but for nothing in return. Family and stability in life are far more important to your children than money which may or may not appear in the future.

The only positive thing I can think of is that as you are not married, unless you have signed up for joint loans then you will not be liable for his debts.

I am thinking of seperation, but I know that he will make things as difficult as possible for me. We aren't married but we do have a joint mortgage, there is no way he would voluntarily leave the house and for me to leave with 3 children and 1 on the way would be very difficult.

With regards to money, he pays his wages into our joint account and I take what I need to pay for shopping, bills etc. I also receive a small income from his work that is paid into my bank account. I didn't receive this last month though and it doesn't look like I will be getting it in April either. He tells me that he isn't paying himself any money this month either, which means he will borrow off of credit cards to pay our mortgage and other bills. This used to happen a lot in the past but things had been on a more even keel until recently.

At the moment I haven't taken the children out of nursery, they only go one day a week as it is. He thinks I only send them so that I don't have to look after them myself. My mum has been coming round to help out for a while now. I was in hospital last year and my dp asked my mum to give up her job to come and help out while I was recuperating. He now thinks I should get off my ass and do it myself. Mum has been doing quite a bit recently as I've been suffering from morning sickness and I've felt terrible. I've had to tell her that we apparently can't afford to pay her anymore, which has obviously put her in a difficult position as well.

I have asked him about his will and he doesn't seem to think its a problem. When ever we have the discussion about how many hours he works etc he always says it is for a better future for us. But should anything happen to him, his partner gets everything. Dp did ask me if he could remortgage the house to help pay for the new unit and I said no. If the only thing I can rely on is the house, I don't see why I should sign the equity over to his business, when I probably won't ever get it back.

I said if this really is all for the children, I want to see something in writing that says they will benefit from it.

He keeps going on about the fact that he hasn't got a pension and I assume his point is that buying property is an investment to cover this.

Sorry that was a bit long, hope you haven't all dozed off by now.

Sorry, lots of posts while I was typing. The last post was in response to beetroots questions.

meagain, I would definitely do as piglit suggests and register your interest in the property. That will prevent him selling out from under you. Very good advice.

meagain - what a horrible situation for you to be in!

You say you're thinking of separation - because of the way he's acting about this stuff or are there other reasons as well?

It sounds like your financial situation isn't very well protected in case anything happens, and he needs to accept that of course you'll be worried about this. It's completely reasonable for you to know all the details about where he's getting the finance from etc, it will affect your life too.

Also, what if the business goes wrong, then you'll both be in debt and there'll be nothing for your kids anyway. And its alright trying to work to make a better future, but that doesn't mean he should be sacrificing your present happiness. I think its terrible that he's put you in such a bad position, not being able to get help when you really need it and are perfectly entitled to want it, and having to put your mum in a difficult position.

He should be sitting down with you, going over the situation with you and accepting your input on all decisions.

Don't mean this to sound harsh but IMHO, if he can't respect the fact that you are entitled to know all the facts and disagree with him if you think he's doing the wrong thing, then that shows he cares more about doing his own thing than he does about you and the kids.

You also said he'd make things as difficult as possible for you to separate - surely that shouldn't be the case if he really loved you?

Maybe you should think about how to get some time apart, so that you can think about how things are and he can decide what he cares most about in his life.

Do I need to register an interest in the house if we have got a joint mortgage, or is that enough to protect me?

For years I have thought that his business is his main priority. I've no doubt that he loves the kids but I think he just puts up with me because he wants them. He says I am selfish for wanting to seperate, but I just can't carry on like this anymore. He thinks it will upset the kids and won't be fair on them if he's not around, but he's not around anyway!

I think he is enjoying the power he has over me at the moment. I have no real money of my own and he controls what goes into our account. If I create a fuss I can see him making things really difficult for me. I will definitely get the blame for breaking the family up.

The main reason I want to see the solicitor is to find out what my rights are regarding the house. I have been told that a court could decide who gets to stay in the house if there is a problem. I also want to know if I could force him to sell the house and then we could go our seperate ways. I really don't want to leave where I am though, the children are settled here and I have lived in this area all my life.

Is it possible that he could buy me out and then rent the house to me, or would that be classed as dodgy for some reason?

I'm so confused at the moment, I know I don't have many rights and this is exactly why he never married me.

meagain - I don't want to sound like just because I'm getting divorced that I want everyone to but for some people it's the only sensible option. I know what its like when some people (not meaning MN'ers) try and paint the rosiest picture they can when you just want them to tell you how bad things are.

That's why I have to say I think he's being horrible to you and completely pathetic. He probably does enjoy controlling you but he doesn't have the right to, you are your own person and entitled to do what you think is best. Yes, it is bad for families to break up but if he's being so unreasonable and isn't taking care of his family properly, then that's just as bad if not worse.

You can't ignore your own needs. It must be really hard thinking of separating and him making things difficult for you but you need to look after yourself and your kids. If you decide you want to leave him, things will get better, he's not in control of everything and can't make things work in his favour just because he wants to.

You should go to the CAB or a solicitor (most of them do first consultations free or similar things, and then you can get legal aid) and talk through your options. Also, the Which book on divorce has loads of excellent advice on dividing property and protecting yourself, whether you're divorcing or not. You will be able to get what you're entitled to, half of the house etc.

Whatever you decide, be strong, make sure you're happy with what you're doing and I really hope things go well.

If you are joint owners of the house (and if you have a joint mortgage then you almost certainly are) then that is very good news and you do have protection. He can't do anything without your permission - the fact that he asked you about putting the equity into the business leads me to believe that you do own it jointly. If it came to it and you did split up and couldn't agree between you about the house then the chances are a court would decide for you. It is very likely that they would order you to keep the house and almost certainly without you having to pay him anything. It's also likely that he would have to pay the mortgage. After all, you have 3 kids and one on the way. The interests of the children always come first. IMHO he may be aware of this himself and realise that if you do split up then there is a very good chance he will lose the house and all the equity in it so perhaps he is try to guilt you into not leaving. That may be another reason why he's trying to assert this power over you and keep control of the finances. It's a sad fact of life that women without access to money are not likely to leave their hs/ps.

HTH

If you have no income of your own, you should be entitled to Public Assistance (I think that's what it's called these days). This would entitle you to a free initial consultant with a solicitor (check which firms do Legal Aid - called something else now but can't think atm). Then you could be assessed for full legal aid if you want to take things further.

Do you not have a copy of your deeds anywhere? Most solicitors provide purchasers with a photocopy of the land certificate on completion. This would show exactly how you own the property, whether it is joint names (which I suspect it is if you are on the mortgage deed), whether you are registered as joint tenants (where each of you owns the property 100% and the property automatically passes to the survivor if one of you dies) or as tenants in common (where you each own 50% of the property and can leave your share as you wish in your will - not necessarily to the other owner).

You could try the CAB too. Most bureaux offer days when they have a lawyer available for 15 minute sessions - free of charge. Not a lot of time to sort things out, but you would get a good idea as to whether you should take things further and book a longer appointment with a solicitor.

What about his partner? ARe you aware whether his partner's will is reciprocal? If not, then he is signing away your children's inheritance. I don't think you are being unreasonable in taking further steps to secure your and your children's future.

Well, I've made an appointment with a Solicitor for Monday morning. I feel very scared about it and I'm sure I will turn into a blubbering wreck. Not really sure what will happen next but I suppose at least I will know where I stand.

Thanks for your advice.

Yes you have every right to know where and how he funded it!
Try your Citizens Advice Bureau they do free legal advice

meagain - I would try to find time to sit down and gather your thoughts and make a list of all the points/issues you need to discuss with the solicitor beforehand. Just to make sure that it doesn't all fly out of your head once you're in the room. Good luck.