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Original poster

Another am I being unreasonable thread!

51 replies

meagain · 01/04/2004 07:49

Sorry about the change of name, I'm sure some of you will guess who I am and it isn't a secret it's just that dp knows my name on here and I didn't want him finding this too easily.

Dp and I are not getting on at all. The main problem is his work, he is always there and never here with me and the children.

At the moment he is buying a new unit and announced that he had to find an absolutely huge deposit to secure the unit (enough to buy another house). This isn't how much the mortgage will be on the unit, this is just the deposit.

He has told me that I shouldn't send the children to nursery anymore and my mum shouldn't come round to help as we won't be able to afford it. He will be taking a lot less money each month and I'm supposed to cut back accordingly. He tells me that this is for the children's future and they will be ok financially oneday. His will says a different story though, if anything happens to him, his business partner gets the entire business, we don't get anything. So I don't see how it is for their future.

Anyway the main problem at the moment is that he won't tell him how he is raising this huge deposit. Because I flipped out when he told me how much it was, he nows says he isn't telling me anything. It's none of my business, it doesn't affect me and I don't need to worry about it. I think it does affect me, financially it is already and if he is signing himself up for loads of debts surely that is a concern for both of us.

So my question is, do I have the right to know where he is getting the money from? This is the latest in a long line of problems and I think I am probably going to be on the phone to a solicitor today to find out if I have any rights. I have told dp this and he doesn't seem to care, which I suppose is a good indication of the state of our relationship!

Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any views, for or against.

OP posts:
Original poster
meagain · 03/04/2004 20:03

Things are getting a bit hard here, not sure what I'm doing.

He is asking me about what am I doing and should he be getting a solicitor. He says I am creating all the problems and if it wasn't the money it would be something else. He says I'm not thinking of the kids, just myself.

What do I say?

OP posts:
kiwisbird · 03/04/2004 20:09

the oney is as much your kids concern as as it is yours!
If only he could sit down like an adult, talk you through what he has done and how he has planned it, who knows it could all be a brilliant idea in theory, its the secrecy that kills it.
Every couple is happy to cutback if required and its a compromise - it is not that if it is only one way.
Good luck talking it through xx

grumpyzebra · 03/04/2004 20:15

Marriage is about planning and living your lives together, how can your DH go off making decisions that could have huge impacts on you without consulting you? I really can't understand your DH's argument that you are thinking only of yourself... Seems to me the very opposite, you are trying to keep the whole marriage together, in fact.

Original poster
meagain · 03/04/2004 20:22

We're not married but that's irrelevant really. He is going to twist things until I don't know what I'm thinking. He will tell everyone it is all my fault.

I just know he is going to make things hard for me, when I said this to him, he said I'm making things hard because I'm the one stirring all this up.

I honestly feel like I hate the bloke, he's doing my head in.

OP posts:
wobblyknixx · 03/04/2004 20:30

meagain - anyone worth knowing will see the truth, not what your dp decides to say. If he'd make things difficult for you to split up, surely he doesn't care enough to make them easy if you're together?

I don't think you're being selfish at all, you're being perfectly sensible and rational and he's blaming all on you so that he doesn't have to think about his own actions or admit he's wrong.

wobblyknixx · 03/04/2004 20:32

And I know all about men twisting things until you're not sure about anything and, although I'm not telling you to leave him, I can promise that things get a lot clearer once you spend time apart and get some serious thinking time to yourself.

When I left UH, a huge part of me thought I'd go back to him but I made sure I got a bit of real thinking time and suddenly everything was a million times clearer than it had ever been before and I just felt so stupid that it had all been so obvious and I hadn't seen it.

eddm · 03/04/2004 21:38

You are not being unreasonable. He needs to be honest with you about his ? your ? finances and what he's doing. You need to keep the appointment with the solicitor so you have the facts on which to base your decisions. IMO his line about 'I'm doing this for our future' is rubbish ? it's an excuse to get you off his back. Which is exactly where you need to be. He strikes me, from what you say, as a very controlling man. If he genuinely cared about your children's future, he'd be upfront with you about his finances and what provision he has made for them if, for instance, the business got into trouble, or he died. There's some very good advice on this thread. Use it to protect yourself and your kids.

SenoraPostrophe · 03/04/2004 22:04

ffs! no, you are not being unreasonable. He sounds incredibly selfish.

Also don´t want to be alarmist, but would it be a good idea to contact the bank and just check on the status of the mortgage? (though I don´t know how these things work).

Chinchilla · 03/04/2004 22:10

I know who you are, and if you need to chat, you know my email address. Keep your chin up. I have no advice, but I am here for you. I was wondering today where you were, as I hadn't seen you on here for ages.

Original poster
meagain · 03/04/2004 22:28

Sorry I'm being so miserable. It's just so frustrating, I know i will be blamed for this by him and his family. He will put this down to pregnancy hormones and me going off on one. Now I'm pregnant he thinks I want him out and this is just a convenient excuse.

All I want is to be happy, just doesn't look likely at the moment.

Thanks Chinchilla.

OP posts:
piglit · 05/04/2004 10:01

meagain - sorry for repeating myself but it does sound to me like he knows he is in the wrong and that if you and he split up he will lose the house. Attack is the best form of defence for him. His way of preventing you from getting what you are entitled to is to use the guilt thing and attempt to make you out as the bad guy. Perhaps he thinks that by treating you like this you won't see a solicitor and realise how strong your position is. He then has you where he wants you and he can continue keeping things from you. I had an xp who used to be a bit like this - whenever he was in the wrong he'd be really controlling and aggressive and try to blame me for the situation. My xp was a bully and IMHO your dp sounds a bit like him. Please go and see your solicitor - you need all the advice you can get and you'll feel better for doing something about it and taking control of your situation.

nutcracker · 05/04/2004 10:24

Meagain - I have only just spotted this and wanted to say this. About 3 years ago i was living with my dp and dd1 and expecting another baby. We weren't well of by any means but we had our own home and dd1 was well provided for. One day my dp came home and said that he had been offered voluntary redunancy (he had worked in a car factory for 23 yrs). I immeidatly felt that it was a bad idea, he had a stable job and the bosses were very flexible if he needed time off for family reasons. He also had a company pension.
Anyway about a week later they tod him that he would get 10000 if he left and without discussing it with me he accepted their offer. He left his job 2 months after dd2 was born.
I did at least have faith in the fact that he surely would try his hardest to get another job but he didn't. When you are still paying a mortgage and other stuff, 10000 doesn't last very long. He also went out a brought a battered old porsche. I tried my hardest to reason with him but he wouldn't listen. I asked him to at least pay off our council tax arrears and a few other bills that we owed, but he said no. When i realised that we may lose the house i asked him to decorate and have central heating put in, so that we could at least sell it and rent for a while until we were back on our feet, but again he said no.
He eventually got offerd a job after i virtually begged the bloke next door to ask if anything was going whwre he worked. It was all too late though, we did lose the house and ended up in loads of debt. I walked around the streets for hours at a time trying to find us somewhere else to live.
To cut a very long story short, we now live in our 2 bed H/A flat and i wish i'd left him long ago. I can never ever trust him to put his kids first now, and don't for one minute think thsat he wouldn't do the same again.
What i am trying to say is that you should be involved with every part of this desicion, and you have to make sure that you know what is going on for your kids sake.
It sounds like he is carrying on regardles of what you think and sticking his head in the sand too.
Seeing a soliciter is definatly a good idea i think. Hope you can sort things out.
Sorry for the waffeling

Original poster
meagain · 05/04/2004 16:39

Well I did go and see the Solicitor, not sure how much use he was though. He didn't really tell me anything I hadn't already found out for myself, he wasn't quite as favourable though. Getting my dp out of the house wouldn't be impossible but it definitely would not be easy, especially as I don't make a financial contribution.

Things have changed slightly now anyway. Yesterday dp told me that he would not be going ahead with buying the unit, not because of me, but because they couldn't raise the money. I was very relieved as this was my main concern.

He also asked me if I would go to Relate with him, I said yes as I wanted to be seen to be co-operating. I am hoping if we do go, I will be better able to get across my point that he should never have undertaken a huge decision like this without involving me first. I did say this to him yesterday but I really want him to know how much it pissed me off.

He has also agreed to come home earlier in the evening and to take one day off at the weekend, which is a lot more than he does at the moment.

I told him of my concerns for the childrens future and he says he is currently looking at new policies which will offer me and the children more protection. Obviously I'm going to have to find out a bit more about these though.

I'm sure I've probably missed loads of points out but things are back on a much more even keel at the moment. Our problems are definitely not over, but maybe they aren't insurmountable anymore.

I'm sorry for wittering on over the past week and hope I haven't bored you too much. Thank you so much for your advice.

OP posts:
piglit · 05/04/2004 16:46

That's great news about your dp meagain. I'm so pleased he's agreed to go to Relate and also that he realises the effect all this is having on you. Time for one of my celebratory choccie biscuits I think!

harman · 06/04/2004 09:59

Message withdrawn

lazyeye · 06/04/2004 10:03

Thought it was you Harman - sorry about all this -you are on my June thread aren't you?? Sounds like you are having a nightmare. Keep posting pet if it helps.

You aren't being unreasonable. My hubs works long hours and Ihave the 2 kids plus the pg - it really gets me down. If you are having other probs on top of this you must be at your wits end.........anyway, here if you wanna talk kid.

piglit · 06/04/2004 10:03

What a pile of sh*te. Sorry to hear that.

Nutcracker · 06/04/2004 14:09

Oh sorry to hear that Harman, i had my fingers crossed for you. Just remember that you are not being unreasonable and yours and the kids future is just as (if not more) important than his buisseness ideas.

harman · 06/04/2004 15:38

Message withdrawn

Nutcracker · 06/04/2004 15:41

Oh i'm crap at giving advice, but what do you think you should do. Sometimes we do know the answer but don't want to admitt it.
If he wasn't being so arsy about the money and everything, would you still be feeling like this do you think ????

piglit · 06/04/2004 15:42

I know it's probably not possible but is there any way you can get a break from him? Do you have family that you and your children can stay with for a couple of days? What would he do if you did that? Do you think it would make things better or worse?

lazyeye · 06/04/2004 15:43

Harman - I don't suppose anyone can tell you what to do, but I know what you mean.

Have you got anyone close to you who you can talk to? Mum, relation, good friend?

Do you think your marriage is worth saving? Do you want to save it? I know I have found the last 4 yrs since having my 1st son (3pgs in 4 yrs plus a couple of m/cs) incredibly hard - I have lost myself somewhere amongst it, but I still think I love my dh and want us to stay together. Do you know how you feel?

Try to take one thing at a time, one day at a time. Can you talk to him in any depth?

The other day when you posted it seemed like things had picked up, but things seem bleak again now. What happened?

harman · 06/04/2004 17:08

Message withdrawn

piglit · 06/04/2004 17:44

harman - I know it's an extreme step but have you thought about a hostel? A friend of mine works in one and she says that a lot of the time they are able to give women a break from problems at home, give them a breathing space and someone to talk to. It must be so hard for you to decide what you want when you are effectively trapped at home. You really do need to get away but I'm just not sure how you can do that.

Nutcracker · 06/04/2004 21:43

I know that wanting to get away feeling very well and have also ignored my kids when things get very bad. Oh i wish i could help you more, you sound so sad. How cheap would a last minute break need to be ??? Would you consider a caravan ?? Only asking because Haven do some cheap last minute breaks. I found one the other week for 55 quid for whole family.

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