Just found out something shocking about my father

[Lodgecockers]

Not sure what I'm asking for really - perhaps some advice about how to keep this in perspective? My parents have been together since they were teenages, upstanding members of the community, university lecturers etc, always thought they were happily married. They've been great parents and grandparents. Both nearly 70. At the weekend, my Dad asked me to show my Mum a house he's interested in on his phone. I noticed he had 10-15 porn sites open (all with a similar interest, one particular video title was on a number of the pages). I shut them all down rapidly, showed my Mum this house he liked, felt a bit sick and put it out of my mind until kids were in bed. I was - I don't know - interested, concerned, worried about what he was looking at and so searched for the video title on my phone that evening. Found the video on a free porn site (well it's on a number of free porn sites) - and my Dad is in the video. It's consensual (well as far as porn is consensual). He doesn't actually have sex in the video but he does take part. I feel devastated. People in porn videos are...people. They may well have partners, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, people who love them. I wish so much that thousands of people hadn't watched my Dad doing this, but they have. He's got a huge problem, obviously. I just have to try to find a way to get over this. I've told my DH, brother and sister. My brother and sister are seeing my Dad this afternoon and are going to talk to him. I will too, in due course. Don't know what to do or say to my Mum, if anything, yet.

Thanks all for your insight and advice, especially WandaFuca as you say you're a similar age and married for the same length of time. I will take some time, and will discuss with my DH and siblings.

I appreciate that some posters think I've done the wrong thing, or a weird thing for looking into what my Dad had on his phone. I was in shock when it happened. However, I'm not going to be blamed for something that, actually, my Dad has done. Some of you may not think this, but I'm not the one that has done wrong here. I haven't been deceiving my Mum for years. The can of worms could always potentially have been opened and as soon as my Dad put this (and apparently many hundreds of other videos) on the internet, it was all the more likely for it to be opened.

It's very hurtful for me to see this too, I didn't want to see it, it never crossed my mind that when I rather casually searched for what this thing was that he was looking at over and over again, that what I would find would be him. The actual video was open on his phone by the way when he passed it to me - it's just that I shut it down immediately because my Mum was there and it was only when I looked at it again that I saw it was him.

My Mum absolutely deserves to know. She deserves her happiness in life and she deserves the choice to make about her life.
Thanks again everyone for your advice. I've appreciated it very much. It's now a bit more hurtful coming back here to find posts saying the only person who put me in this situation is me. That's not true, and I need to step away from those kind of thoughts to keep a clear head and try to help my Mum. Thanks again.

Hey lodge I'd have done the same thing as you, don't be so hard on yourself. You do need to tell your mum though. I feel so sorry for you to find this out.

I'd be so shocked in your shoes. This is not 'your problem'.

I think your dad was very careless to let you see his phone. I would be paranoid about my friends seeing mumsnet on my phone!

Good luck. This must be awful for you and your family. I hope everything works out for your mum and you and your siblings. Don't rush into anything.

OP I honestly can't believe that you've had people telling you that this is no big deal, of not any of your business!! Just think for a minute about what we try to teach young people about responsible internet use...

The minute ANYTHING one does is put online it ceases to be a private matter and becomes a public one - and that is what your dad has done. He has publicly taken part in a sexual act without your mother's knowledge. How can this POSSIBLY be 'nothing to do with you'?!

Your dad needs to be told that if he's identifiable he WILL be seen by other people who know him, eventually, and how will that impact on your family and your mother?

Honestly, as a teacher I spend ages helping kids out of messes that they've got themselves into with twitter or Facebook, but this is 1000 times worse...

I really feel for you, I hope you're OK and I hope your mum will be too.

What a dreadful situation for you OP. I think your reaction is typical human behaviour tbh and only on MN would you get people who apparently would carry on in life without any reaction.

I think at the age of 70 there are only so many years left. Recovering from this sort of event and lie in your life could mean she spends the rest of her life in great sadness.

Leave her, her life intact and unabused. Don't tell her

Just read Wanda's viewpoint. I respect the fact that you have a far better perspective than me and my previous post may be offensive or patronising so I will apologise straight away

I'm in my late sixties, and while that may mean my days are numbered, I wouldn't want to spend the rest of them living with a cheating bastard. I would feel utterly betrayed if my family kept something like this from me.

(They wouldn't, though, I'm quite sure - they're not in the habit of patronising me or thinking I'm in my dotage.)

And OP, you are the one I feel sorry for - he's the one who's spoiled things, not you.

I'd have looked too.

I think I'd have to tell my mum or get him to, only she can decide if she is willing to put up with this.

so -

The op saw a video on her dad's phone, realised it was porn and shut it down, but later went and googled the title, and only then did she discover it was her dad? Sorry but that doesn't add up.

Surely most people, upon discovering porn on someone's phone would think "yewwww my dad watches porn," and be somewhat sickened by the idea and would want to scrub their memory of it... What kind of person would take that to a different level and think "oh, I'll go and google to see exactly what kind of porn video this was."

It's bad enough to think that a parent watches porn (although lots of men do, it's not that unusual, even if it's something most wouldn't want to know) but to go and google to find out what kind of porn is disturbing in its own right IMO. Bear in mind the op claims she didn't know it was her dad until she googled. So why would she google? why?

Most wicked: I did very specifically say that his behavior was disgusting due to the blatant cheating and massive disrespect to his wife. But I guess finishing peoples posts means you can't get butt hurt about them, right?

Would you say that spitting in someone's face is worse than publicly humiliating a spouse by engaging in public sexual videos online, or presenting yourself as a family man whilst blatantly cheating on your wife for over a year?

Because if so then I'm happy to disagree with you on that.

Wannabe - Jesus Christ get over it. Someone reacted to something differently than you would have done. Is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

One last post and then I'm deleting my account and looking for some support elsewhere. For those who just cannot understand why I looked and somehow don't believe me or think it doesn't add up:

1. If someone behaves differently to you, it doesn't mean they're lying. I'm not lying.
2. If your dear father, who your whole life had seemed to be an entirely wonderful and trustworthy man, handed you a pile of papers and asked you to show the top one to your mum who was a few feet away from you, but underneath you could see 20 or so other pieces of paper all saying over and over again 'daddy spanks Virgin', 'daddy punishes little slut' etc etc etc, who knows how you would react? I wouldn't have known how I would react until it happened to me. But I'm positive or at least I really hope that I would never condemn a stranger for how they did react in that circumstance.
3. What I did was make sure my mum did not see those at all. But it scared me because if the subject matter. What if my dad, my children's grandfather, was somehow getting interested in underage girls? In something non consensual? In something illegal? Why is my father interested in hitting little girls? That's what I thought. I was scared and I didn't know what he was looking at and, to be honest, as a mother and aunt to very small children, I think I just wanted to check. I wasn't 'snooping' into his private porn stash in some disturbing way. The subject matter bothered me.
4. Perhaps some people can't understand that and I'm sorry for you that you are so sure of how people should or shouldn't react and so aggressive to a stranger in a very distressing situation. Some of you have even gone so far to say it's all my fault. Let's hope someone close to you never needs your help if they do something you personally can't or won't understand. Let's hope it's just strangers on an Internet forum that you treat like that.
5. I'm so embarrassed typing some of the subject matter that my father was looking at, in fact involved in, but that's why I looked. Fortunately it isn't underage or non consensual. Unfortunately he's cheating on my mother in a most despicable way.

And wish I could unsee it....

To be fair op, you went digging, looking for it. You should have just left well alone. It is not any of your business.

Tell your Mother. Find a way, but tell her. My cousin in law is still bitter that her ex husband (my cousin) used to take their eldest daughter with him when he used to visit his stray women "friends". That she found this out from his sister was devastating.
Do not listen to those on here who are writing your mother off as some damn near senile old biddy just wanting to live the rest of her (according to them) few years left on this Earth, blissful in her ignorance.
If your father in his age has the gall (and delusion) to get infatuated with a woman who shares his fetish and partake in filming, I'm sure that he hasn't yoked himself to a feeble woman.
You say that you had noticed changes in your mother's disposition and not positive ones, either. That is what cheating people do to those that they love. They have them all confused. Your mother doesn't sound like a woman "in the know."
Tell her. Don't keep this secret for your father.

LodgeCockers. I don't blame you for leaving, they are some very unkind and weird posts on this thread. I don't know why people write such thoughtless things. You clearly weren't snooping.

I hope you registered all the supportive posts though.

I hope everything works out.

Wannabe- let it lie. Not everybody is as uncurious as you. if you were more so, you might could ascertain that the OP father has managed to fool the whole of his family as some kind of upstanding man to the point that he doesn't watch porn.
And all the heiffers on here, implying that the OP is more in the wrong than daddy Dearest....no words.

Itsxa horrid situation you've in. How San anyone judge unless we have walked the same path.

Tbh I'd have looked too and would now be antagonising exactly the same as you. BUT aren't the bad person in this, your dad is, he's the one who's gambled with his marriage vows.

Hope you get some support.

he left the sites open and handed her complete access. She can't unsee it either.

She didn't know what the video was until she googled it once home, so he didn't give her "complete access". His only crime at the time was having several tabs open on the same thing that got op's radar twitching!

stooshe There is no need to call people names just because they disagree with others.

I get that her dad made a porn video, I get that he possibly cheated on her mum, but the op seems to have everyone fooled that he sent her some kind of hyperlink to the video, when SHE decided she needed to nosey at her fathers porn preferences.

Saying that doesn't mean I agree with what he did, it just means that she was too nosey to let it go, I wouldn't even dream of googling and then WATCHING what my father might have been looking at. It's would seem too voyeuristic to me.

Yes, what he did was wrong, is wrong.

yet she decided to spy into his private life & so it IS her fault that she unearthed this & can't unsee it.

Oh fgs if someone gives you the title of a video (and he did so by leaving the pages open) then you are also giving them the 'authorisation' to look at what it is.

How many times have we all done that for very innocent things? From finding a specific jumper for your mum, so e music for a dc or a piece if sport equipment for your DH?
As it happens this wasn't innocent at all and us showing that the op's dad behaved appallingly. But somehow let's forget about that and concentrate on making the OP really bad.
And what if she hadn't looked and it had been child pornography. What if by nit looking she had out her dcs in danger? Would you have had a go at her for not looking then??

OP I have little advice I'm afraid. I think the best you can do us to support your mum the best way you can. Support her in finding out if that's what she wants to do and support her. And remind your dad about the huge issues associated with being in lots of porn videos on the net. Andbthe impact it might have on you/the dcs. What if a parent has seen the video for example and then sees your dad picking up the dcs at school? He really hasn't thought that through.

I had presumed it was spanking and it does lend itself to dodgy titles , usually with school girl or similar in the title. Though not saying that the people partaking are underage. Or course you would look to see what a father/grandfather was into.

Im sorry you feel you need to leave op. I hope everything works out.

Oh dear OP, just wanted to write with some support in case you do come back and read.

I am appalled at some of the posts on this page: of course you have done nothing wrong.

These horrible posts seem to be very ageist. Your parents are "nearly 70" so that means late 60's. Why would a woman want to live in a relationship that is being destroyed in this way just because she is that age? Nearing the end of their lives? They could both live another 20 or 30 years.

Men who cheat withdraw from the family and the more it goes on the worse it becomes. This relationship is damaged and your dear Mum deserves to know the truth. I know of a man who cheated on his wife with OW for nearly 20 years. His DC found out and kept the secret. The relationship eventually fizzled out, and now the poor wife who is still fit and active is basically the carer for this man who now has a life limiting condition. It is horrible for him but it is worse for her. I know one of their DC wonders how right it was not tell their Mum back then, given how things have turned out.

What I am trying to illustrate is that you never know what is around the corner. People do recover from failed marriages, whatever the age, and with the support of you and your siblings she will be fine.

I am 55 and have been on my own for 3 years. I cant see myself ever having another relationship ( I've tried it too!) but I am a million times better off than with a cheating H. I found out about the affair myself but if any of my DC had I would have been devastated if they hadnt told me.

I wish you and your Mum all the best.

Astonishing responses on this thread.

It's completely natural for the OP to think "looking at the title of the video I'm concerned about the possible content so I'm going to check". Not doing so could leave the OP with continual doubt about whether she should have checked.

Good luck with your next steps OP. There is some excellent advice on this thread among the judgemental shite.