Just found out something shocking about my father

[Lodgecockers]

Not sure what I'm asking for really - perhaps some advice about how to keep this in perspective? My parents have been together since they were teenages, upstanding members of the community, university lecturers etc, always thought they were happily married. They've been great parents and grandparents. Both nearly 70. At the weekend, my Dad asked me to show my Mum a house he's interested in on his phone. I noticed he had 10-15 porn sites open (all with a similar interest, one particular video title was on a number of the pages). I shut them all down rapidly, showed my Mum this house he liked, felt a bit sick and put it out of my mind until kids were in bed. I was - I don't know - interested, concerned, worried about what he was looking at and so searched for the video title on my phone that evening. Found the video on a free porn site (well it's on a number of free porn sites) - and my Dad is in the video. It's consensual (well as far as porn is consensual). He doesn't actually have sex in the video but he does take part. I feel devastated. People in porn videos are...people. They may well have partners, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, people who love them. I wish so much that thousands of people hadn't watched my Dad doing this, but they have. He's got a huge problem, obviously. I just have to try to find a way to get over this. I've told my DH, brother and sister. My brother and sister are seeing my Dad this afternoon and are going to talk to him. I will too, in due course. Don't know what to do or say to my Mum, if anything, yet.

Bleughh! What a horrid thing to have seen. I often heard my DAd having sex when I was a kid with his various girlfriends. There was nothing weird about it but I'd much rather not have heard.

My kids wince if DH and I hold hands. (Smooching instigates a full blown gagging response )

I think you are doing the right thing. I would have told my siblings and I would let him know that I was aware of it. At best he has been careless letting you find out. I think that was unfair of him.

You didn't embarrass him. He embarrassed himself by being careless about his 'secret'

It is worrying that he hasn't told your Mother. If it was my DH I would want to know. He is actively involved with doing something sexual with other people and that would be a deal breaker for me. I would see it in the same way as an affair.

He has put you in an awful situation.

Will your Mum be informed? I would want to know if my DH was getting sexual kicks outside the marriage

Given from what you say about the past year, I am sure she suspects something is not right hence her unhappiness - like most cheaters, he has probably been distant and preoccupied.

Sorry but what he is doing is cheating.

So he's been cheating on your Mum in a very blatant way.

God that is really gross. Disgusting behaviour actually. I'm really sorry this is happening to your family. I think you did the right thing in getting it out in the open. You know your Mother needs to know, right?

Good luck

I know, he is cheating. Distant and preoccupied almost entirely sums him up, especially in the last year or so. One of the things he told my siblings is that he had 'become infatuated' with another woman 'about two years ago', who is into the same fetish that he is, and who apparently got him into the video making. He says she runs a website and they have made (in his words) 'hundreds' of videos. I'm worried that actually he is a bit naive about people now making money from sites like this and just how much videos can get syndicated across other sites. As a previous poster has said, there are billions of porn videos online, I did search for one specific title although the keywords in that title are very common, but if he has made hundreds of videos and isn't knowingly in control of what is happening to them, that's worrying.

Oh, I wish I'd never seen it.

At the moment, I have no idea at all what to do about my Mum and neither do my siblings.

How upsetting for you.
Its worrying that your mum doesn't know, if he is involved in any sex acts apart from the fact he is cheating on her, he could have a STD.

If this was a wife posting about her husband the advice would be to leave him. Seedy and deceitful.

I really feel for you lodge. He's been a prize twat. None of this is your fault by the way - he was naive or stupid enough to publicise his exploits on the internet, someone close was bound to find out. God knows who else has seen who isn't close enough to say.

Thank you so much for your sympathetic words. I'm sorry I've annoyed some people by getting involved in something that's none of my business, and for not saying anything directly to my dad at the time. I just didn't know how to react, and that's partly why I came here for some perspective from strangers who are not at all emotionally involved in our family. It's been very helpful, and I am also so grateful to those of you who have given me some sympathetic words, because I am feeling quite distraught.

Hang on. He met a Woman with the same fetish as he did?

How does this come about then? Just chatting at the bus stop? Or was he actively looking for someone to indulge with?

Your poor, poor Mother. It is massively disrespectful and devastating that you all know about this and she is in the dark. I would be telling her everything ASAP.

He was actively looking for someone. He's in groups. He contacts people. He has a separate email account for it all, apparently.

I can't believe this is happening to my poor Mother.

Your dad is a prize A cunt and you need to tell him m to come clean to your mother or you will tell her yourself.

Anything less is a massive breach of trust and huge disrespect to your mother.

Did I mention that your dad is a complete twat?

If this was me I would most likely spit in his face and cut off all contact. Then again my dad is a real family man and something like this would go against every value he ever taught us.

(Note: vitriol due to blatant, public cheating on your mother. If she knew and was happy then different story)

Is the fetish something really horrid?

You don't have to answer that or say what it is but is it legal?
Apologies if this has been answered.

It sounds even worse - becoming infatuated with someone else as well as making these videos.

I really think you and your siblings need to talk to him, tell him that he has to tell your Mum - there is no other option really.

Then again my dad is a real family man and something like this would go against every value he ever taught us.

I thought that too until this weekend.

VerityWaves - the fetish is legal. It's not really horrid. It's probably very common amongst repressed men of his age who went to public school. (btw, he was adamant that we'd never go to public school)

My sister just said to me - would the last years of my Mum's life be happier knowing this had happened all her life, or would they be happier without knowing that?

She often talks about how lucky she's been to have been married to him. He has, in many many ways, been wonderful. He's been a fantastic father.

In one, huge, way he's been an almighty shit.

I don't know how I feel.

Then I would recommend going down the spitting in his face, calling him a hypocritical piece of shit and refusing to speak too him.

These are your dads true colours. Condone them or don't.

Parents are people - they don't get a get out clause to make vile behavior somehow acceptable.

The route of, sorry. Tablet and typos

For your mother - ignorance is not bliss, and I guarantee she will find it very very difficult to forgive or trust you if she finds out that you knew about this and didn't tell her.

You need to give your dad an ultimatum: either he tells your mum or you do. The best thing that you can do is be there to support your mum and offer her a place to stay if she needs it.
Whether your mum decides to leave your dad or stay with him she will need a lot of support.
Any kind of affair or axe outside of a marriage is difficult to deal with but what your dad has done goes to a whole different level. I wish I had some comforting words right now.
You have done the right thing though because you and your siblings all need to support your mum and each other. There isn't anyway that this could be kept a secret without risking a family rift if everything came out at a later date.

Your poor mum, and poor you OP, especially for the bashing you were getting on the first page.

Yes if it was consensual with your mum then fine it's his own life. But when he's made it (through accident) really obvious to you what he's doing, and you discover your mum doesn't know, that's placing you in a difficult position.

I don't know what the answer is.

I do not believe he thought the videos were private only, or he wouldn't have had so many windows open all looking for the same video.

No come that is really patronising - your Mother has to know! You all know that is more than disrespectful is conspiratorial.

Your mums idea of having a long and happy marriage has been built on a lie. Whether she has felt happy throughout her marriage and whether your dad has been wonderful in many ways he has also been a huge selfish ass who has disrespected your mother by going outside of his marriage to indulge in his fetish and have sexual contact with other women.
Do not let your mum stay in ignorance of the situation. Ask yourself how you would feel if your nearest and dearest knew such information about your own husband and kept it a secret from you.

I don't envy you this dilemma, If he's that careless she'd have found out some way before the end of her life, personally I would force the issue due to the std risk at least. And also because most people would prefer to live honesty than be the only person in the family living a lie.