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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out something shocking about my father

98 replies

Lodgecockers · 21/07/2014 12:11

Not sure what I'm asking for really - perhaps some advice about how to keep this in perspective? My parents have been together since they were teenages, upstanding members of the community, university lecturers etc, always thought they were happily married. They've been great parents and grandparents. Both nearly 70. At the weekend, my Dad asked me to show my Mum a house he's interested in on his phone. I noticed he had 10-15 porn sites open (all with a similar interest, one particular video title was on a number of the pages). I shut them all down rapidly, showed my Mum this house he liked, felt a bit sick and put it out of my mind until kids were in bed. I was - I don't know - interested, concerned, worried about what he was looking at and so searched for the video title on my phone that evening. Found the video on a free porn site (well it's on a number of free porn sites) - and my Dad is in the video. It's consensual (well as far as porn is consensual). He doesn't actually have sex in the video but he does take part. I feel devastated. People in porn videos are...people. They may well have partners, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, people who love them. I wish so much that thousands of people hadn't watched my Dad doing this, but they have. He's got a huge problem, obviously. I just have to try to find a way to get over this. I've told my DH, brother and sister. My brother and sister are seeing my Dad this afternoon and are going to talk to him. I will too, in due course. Don't know what to do or say to my Mum, if anything, yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lodgecockers · 21/07/2014 16:03

I don't believe the thought the videos were private either. He was obviously watching them online. He's a very, very clever man. And he knows how the internet works.

I suspect that somewhere, deep down, my Mum knows something is wrong. She often says he's preoccupied and she doesn't know what he's doing, and that he's come home 'in a weird mood'. He's incredibly, over-the-top sort of careful about her all the time, always rushing back because she said be here at 3pm, doing everything just how she asks, asking for a list of jobs each morning, always talking to us about 'let's do this because Mum would like it' etc. And in the middle of all that, she seems sad and alone. She seems scared of being on her own, and I haven't been able to work out what is going on. Now I think I'm beginning to get an inkling. She knows there's something going on, I would think, but she doesn't know what it is. My poor Mum

OP posts:

Gen35 · 21/07/2014 16:06

He's probably been emotionally detaching for a while...yeah I don't but it either, my dad's a dummy with computers and phones but if he was up to no good, he'd know how to cover his tracks.

CarryOn90 · 21/07/2014 16:10

No idea why you searched for the video.

So he had some porn on his phone. So what. The only reason you were curious/shocked was because he's your Dad ffs - of course it would be weird.

If it had been anyone else you just would've thought "oops, bit embarrassing!"

I certainly wouldn't have googled it - call me crazy but I don't have any particular interest in my dad's sexual preferences or the kind of porn he likes to watch.

Original poster

Lodgecockers · 21/07/2014 16:16

CarryOn90. I wish I were you, and I wish I hadn't googled it. I wish I'd never seen him in a porn video online. I wish I didn't know he'd cheated on my Mum. I don't know why I searched for the video. I think I was just so shocked at how much of it he had open and I think a little bit of me just wanted to check it wasn't something really illegal or something.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 21/07/2014 16:23

I would talk about you do about mum with your brother and sister. The 3 of you know your mum. You know if she can take this mentally/healthwise etc and have a plan of action for aftermath care if you do tell her.

I honestly think the 3 of you need a little time to get over the shock and then it will come clearer to you on what you do. Don't Rush any decisions.

noddyholder · 21/07/2014 16:40

I think people are being too harsh He is IN the material not just watching it and he left the sites open and handed her complete access. She can't unsee it either.

Cocolepew · 21/07/2014 16:46

You dont have to apologise to any posters who think you should have done something differently.

I really feel for you, this is awful. But I think your mum needs to know. Your Dad knows they aren't private, he was watching it online ffs. He's lying about everything .

If they are online anyone could see them. Its best if your mum finds out from you rather than someone who sees it that knows your mum and dad.

Im sorry this has hapened to you

Gen35 · 21/07/2014 16:52

I don't think you've done anything wrong either - let's keep the blame with your cheating dad, where it lies. Be didn't even care enough to cover us tracks = discovery waiting to happen.

edamsavestheday · 21/07/2014 17:04

oh dear. I bet you regret snooping now. Seeing something on his phone was accidental (unless you think he kind of wanted you to know... eek) but searching for it afterwards was a bit off.

However, now you know your Dad's been cheating and that means you have to decide what to do... would it be worse for your Mum to find out, or be left in ignorance? IF you don't tell her, what if she finds out from your Dad or someone else, and realises you all kept it from her?

Darkesteyes · 21/07/2014 17:22

Did he want to be found out? He seems to know enough about the internet so surely he should have known not to leave the sites open.

MostWicked · 21/07/2014 18:37

God that is really gross.
Why is it gross? The only aspect of this that is in any way concerning, is the infidelity. Sex, even fetishes, is not gross.

Then I would recommend going down the spitting in his face, calling him a hypocritical piece of shit and refusing to speak too him.
Really? That's so horrid.

The most I would say is, 'Dad, we found out, so there is a possibility that mum could too. How do you think she would feel if she knew?'
You have no right to place ultimatums on him that will turn his and your mum's life upside down. She might not want to know.
Ultimately, it really is none of your business.

Darkesteyes · 21/07/2014 18:46

Agree with MW Sex isn't gross Its part of human nature.

I wouldn't be issuing ultimatums either. It just doesn't seem right.

ThatWasNice · 21/07/2014 19:11

Sorry but I think some sexual fetishes are gross. I don't personally care what strangers get up to with other consenting adults but it doesn't mean I don't find it gross.

(...and, no, I am not an uptight prude in case anyone I wants to know.)

JazzyThistle · 21/07/2014 19:33

Oh what a shock. Your poor mum . Did your dad show any remorse at all when he was speaking to your siblings?

I think your mum needs to know the truth, imagine if she found out one day, then found out you all knew and hid it from her. She'd feel even more hurt and alone. She needs your support and your dad needs pulling up on the cheating liar that he is.

And of course he knew it was online, he had the pages open.

FryOneFatManic · 21/07/2014 19:39

OP, I think your dad needs to realise you mum needs to know.

He says he had an infatuation with a woman into the same fetish. Then effectively he has been having an emotional affair, which is just as bad as a sexual affair. After all, your mum knows something is wrong, and may even be blaming herself.

And this was one video. There's always the possibility he's been having sex with the people in these groups.

So your mum is also at risk of STDs.

And I would definitely want to know if my DP had been cheating, cos this is cheating. I'd want to be able to make an informed decision. I would not want to be patronised by other people trying to make that decision for me by deciding not to tell me.

VerityWaves · 21/07/2014 19:47

Diffetent kinds of sex = not gross

Seeing your elderly father cheating on your Mother on fetish websites is gross I stand by that!

Joysmum · 21/07/2014 19:49

I'd want to know if FH was cheating on me. I would not appreciate somebody else withholding information to let me make informed choices about what I deserve out of life.

The fetish side of this shouldn't take over from the fact that your mum doesn't deserve to live a lie and if she does know, at least it's her choice if she stays in the marriage.

noddyholder · 21/07/2014 19:50

I agree verity He was partaking and is married fgs this is not about being liberal re sex it is about common decency and respect for your spouse

Tinkleybison · 21/07/2014 19:53

If you keep this secret for your dad and down the line your mum finds out that you all knew its going to destroy her.

You have to force your Dads hand to disclose to her.

VerityWaves · 21/07/2014 20:26

Exactly noddy

Ilovenewts · 21/07/2014 20:51

It is for all intents and purposes an affair. He's getting his sexual kicks and is infatuated with another woman behind your mums back. That's an affair.

I couldn't keep his secret if I were in your place. Your poor mum :(

WandaFuca · 21/07/2014 21:04

I agree with Tinkley. I've been thinking about this horrid situation during the day. I'm about the same age as your mum, Lodge, and have been married for about the same length of time. My husband isn't particularly interested in what's going on in my life, and vice versa, and he's out of the house most of most days. If I found out he was "playing away" (in whatever form) I'd be angry/exasperated/depressed and so on, but I could deal with the aftermath.

But if I found that my adult children knew about it and didn't tell me, I'd be devastated. It's my life, and I'm entitled to know everything that affects me.

You and your siblings know your mum, and now this problem has been dumped on you by your father (accidentally? deliberately?), you're going to have try to figure out what she would want you to do. It's a very difficult situation to be in, because in a way it's a reversal of the parent-child relationship in that it's you and your siblings who are having to be the responsible ones. Maybe take a day or so, and talk it through with your DH and your siblings. But your attitudes towards your father are now bound to be different, and your mum might wonder why that is.

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 21/07/2014 21:21

Sorry, but the only person whose put you in this difficult situation is you. Why would you search for the porn your father watches? Yuck. Now you know way too much. This intrusion will hurt your father i'm sure, as well as your mother when she finds out the truth from you.

I'd say nothing.

rubyflipper · 21/07/2014 21:45

What a can of worms you have opened.

The problem is that now you, your siblings and your dad are in on this horrible secret; and your mum is not.

However, I don't think it's your place to tell your mum. She needs to hear it from her husband. He's the one who has cheated on her. He has put you in a horrible position by being careless with material on his phone.

If your mother ever finds out and asks why you kept it from her, you are entitled to say that it wasn't your place to break such news to her and you were hoping that Dad would have the decency to say something rather than expecting his children to.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 21/07/2014 22:16

I think some people are reading this and thinking your father has just been watching porn, when in fact he was actually taking part in the film. Totally different.
I hope OP that you manage to sort this out and your mum is ok. Thinking of you.

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