Dating the bereaved

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I recently posted about this guy I've met, who's wife died 2 years ago from cancer. He is still really struggling with grief. He had counselling at the time and nothing since. He keeps saying he will but doesn't.
We have been dating since last December. Apart from a blip, and a time 3 months in when he said he couldn't move forward, things have been great.
At the weekend we had a lovely time and he said such things as he was beginning to enjoy life again and we were planning holidays, etc.
The following day was a complete flip. He called me in tears saying he couldn't invest in our relationship as he wanted so dearly to keep his wife's memory alive in his head. He spent the day at her graveside.
My DP and I separated last year due to his behaviour, cheating and I felt rejected. I just want a loving relationship. I thought I had this with this guy but his feelings are so erratic, I don't know what to do,

Thanks Quitelikely. I have been thinking today that it might be one of those moments that will probably occur throughout his life, triggered by memories. I am also thinking that he is a great guy and he would be worth waiting on.
PinkF, I said in the OP that when he called me last weekend he said he couldn't invest in the relationship. I think that might be what Quitelikely was referring too.
I think there will be a lot of ups and downs, erratic emotions and the like. I guess I have to decide what is in my best interests. I will find it hard to walk away as he Is a genuinely caring man.

I think that all sounds positive:)
I'd still push the counselling if he starts to offload to you. If your relationship progresses then you'd be quite entitled to say it was only on the basis of him having some counselling.

I don't think I'd push for any more commitment yet- he's already made it clear he really like you. Just go with the flow.

Thanks. Funny... When I text him I said not to worry too much and I said "let's just go with the flow".
Just have to wait and see if the humanitarian trip emerges and take it from there!
No doubt I will return with more confusion as to where this is going. Will be interesting to see what he writes on my b/day card!

If it's any help to you, this is my experience.

I am a widow. I met DP around 2 years after DH died. DP was ready for a relationship, I was ready for dating but nothing serious. I really liked DP but had a lot of issues regarding my loss, my guilt, my grief and my two DCs. I blew hot and cold with DP until he could stand it no longer and finished with me, stating that he deserved to be treated better etc. We remained "friends", with occasional contact, though actual meetings were limited as he did meet someone else briefly. However, one day we met for lunch. We started dating once again and this time, things have worked out. We are engaged now and I couldn't be happier. As a poster upthread said, I do sometimes feel guilty that I have this new life which I wouldn't have done if my DH was still alive, but I have no regrets this time. I'm ready for this new chapter and, while I fondly remember the past and mourn special anniversaries (and my children need to acknowledge their dad), the time is right to move on. I think DP and I needed to separate under the circumstances but he was prepared to leave me to work out my demons. He actually said to me "to get in touch one day if you feel we have a future and IF I am single and want to resurrect our relationship, then maybe we can try once more".

Perhaps that's what you need to do, but if the relationship is destined to be, it will be. I honestly think the only thing wrong with your relationship is that you are ready but he is not and it will depend on whether you both want it to work, whether you are patient enough to wait, whether you can bear to let him go and chance whether he'll come back, but one thing is certain - you can't go on like this.

spickle...thank you. I'm at shops but want to reply to you. Will be back later :0)

What sort of person wants to go out with someone on the basis that it can become 'nothing serious'? It seems an inauthentic way of living one's life. How can you be ready to date but not ready for a relationship?

Because often when you go on a date after a bereavement, you don't actually know that you're not ready for a relationship until a few dates in, when the guilt kicks in.

Spickle - OK in which case you should be honest at that point and withdraw from the dating scene until you're ready. You don't get to hang on to your lover while claiming to be not ready for anything serious.

What sort of person wants to go out with someone on the basis that it can become 'nothing serious'?

someone who doesn't want anything serious either perhaps?

I was honest Polonium, I did say many times that I didn't want anything serious, DP struggled to accept that which is why we split up.

Pinkfrocks I must be very old fashioned because going out with someone in a non-serious way is something I just don't comprehend. If it's not a committed relationship then it isn't, but you shouldn't call someone 'your partner' or 'DP because he/she is not your partner.

I completely understand that some people have relationships to punctuate loneliness, to enjoy sex together, to take to one another's Christmas parties. But they aren't a DP.

Spickle - People say all sorts of things early on in a relationship. Relationships evolve.

@Polonium
I'm confused by your post. I don't know who referred to their partner (DP?) as a non serious relationship. Maybe you are reading things I'm not

Spickle said she didn't want anything serious initially because she was still grieving. so they took a rain check and resumed later.

There are lots of people who want a boyfriend or girlfriend ( to use old fashioned language) but don't feel ready to make them a permanent feature in their lives.

Which bit of this do you not understand?

Polonium
If you are harking back to spickle's post ,then her DP is now her fiance. For the sake of clarity I think she is referring to him as her DP throughout her post. But clearly when they were 'dating' he wasn't a 'P' at all.

FGS Spickle come back and clear this up :)

LittleLadyFooFoo I am sorry for the hijack - certainly never intended to.

Pinkfrocks you understand what I was trying to say perfectly and you explained it much better than me!

Polonium maybe you are confused. My DP is my fiance - we are marrying next year. However, when we first met he was a date that turned into more dates. I have referred to him throughout my posts as my DP but he certainly wasn't a "DP" then, nor did I describe him as such. We had a break because I couldn't move the relationship on beyond boyfriend/girlfriend and he was pressurising me to get serious, which I wasn't ready for. I did withdraw from the dating scene from that moment on until I was ready. There was a thread here recently about a widower who was struggling with his relationship with a new girlfriend/partner, it is a very similar scenario. Unless you have been bereaved you cannot empathise or know how you would react to a new relationship until such a situation arises. You seem to be attacking me for dipping my toe into the dating scene before I knew I was ready, for being dumped by a man who had fallen for me but who I couldn't reciprocate because of the guilt and grief I still had inside. I get that you don't comprehend this, but that just shows you have never been in this position and so I must question why you think your posts will help LittleLadyFooFoo, who is the OP of this thread after all?

@Spickle It's great to hear of some happy endings on here so here's to you both and wishing you all the best when you tie the knot

Hey Spickle, thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that this may work out in the long run. You sounded like the guy I'm dating. Every widowed person I've spoken to says the same as you in that, guilt and grief can be all encompassing and that it is difficult for us who have not been in your position to empathise with. Congratulations on your engagement :0) And thanks again to all posters who continue to offer valuable support. It's good to question my situation and consider how best to move forward.

I just came in here to see if there was an update.
Spickle - I could just give you a massive hug! I could have almost written your post myself. I'm glad that you have found happiness too and understand the "guilt" from having a new life too.

I got a chatty text earlier which also said he "values what we have". So positive I suppose :0)

Llff - I would say without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with DH is much stronger now than it was with my late husband and partly that is down to the fact that he has seen me when I have been at my worst and he has supported me and loved me. I don't feel obligated to love him because of how he treated me (only relationship since being widowed) but I fell in love with him and was able to do that because he gave me the time I needed to be able to do that. With divorce or separation there is a reason for the relationship to end in a way that there isn't with a death. And even with any break-up the partner still "exists". I struggled to get my head around both the loss of my late husband as a person and the sudden end of the relationship (if that makes sense)

Yes it is positive LLFF - he values you and your relationship but it's highly likely that there is also some guilt regarding betraying his past life which stops him going that bit further with declarations of love. Push him too hard and you'll push him away.

I wonder if it is more difficult for men to move on as they don't always have the friends/support network that women have? My friends/family were very supportive to me, plus I met other widows/widowers through a local bereavement group, which meant I could talk and talk without being judged. I don't think it's a good idea to be his "counsellor/rock", but it sounds as though he needs some kind of therapy, be it one-to-one or group counselling.

I am humbled by the lovely messages Pinkfrocks, Cernabbas and LLFF

I think you may be right regards support networks. I indicated to my guy that not everyone will continue to grieve his fiancée as much as he does. He mentioned something about he was the only one who regularly laid flowers at her grave. I said that people will move forward, remembering her, but not to the extent he does. He said his parents were indicating he shouldn't visit the grave as much and that they talked about her less. Hence he visits her parents on occasion.
I sent him links to a couple of support websites. I also googled a counsellor near to his home. But that's my input. Whilst I will be supportive, I will be clear that I am not trained to help him specifically.
Spickle, I'm going to try not going to push and let the lead come from him right now. However, when I feel the time is right, I shall indicate how I see things progressing.

I wrote fiancée ... Meant wife. Was thinking of you Spickle lol. When are you getting married?

Next Spring!

People do move forward - I had a tree planted in my DH's memory but it is only me and my children (DP also comes) who visit with any regularity. While my friends and family gave me support for the first six months or so, after that it did drop off a lot. This is when the bereavement groups are useful. I should say here that counselling is not my thing at all, but it has helped me enormously.

There were more women at my bereavement group than men, which could be indicative of more women seeking help or is it that more men die first? Whatever the reason, the men who were coming to group were actually very needy and the support of the group was a lifeline. While your guy might not like the idea of this kind of support/socialising, it is helpful when you are still quite raw and emotional and everyone there has a similar story. Might be worth asking at the library if any such group exists where you are, even if you have to take him there and push him through the door!

I hope you can work things out, you obviously care very deeply for him.

Thanks Spickle. I'm still feeling he's holding back but it's clear he wants some sort of relationship. I will try not to push and be patient until it comes to a point I need more. In which case I might do what your DP did x