Dating the bereaved

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I recently posted about this guy I've met, who's wife died 2 years ago from cancer. He is still really struggling with grief. He had counselling at the time and nothing since. He keeps saying he will but doesn't.
We have been dating since last December. Apart from a blip, and a time 3 months in when he said he couldn't move forward, things have been great.
At the weekend we had a lovely time and he said such things as he was beginning to enjoy life again and we were planning holidays, etc.
The following day was a complete flip. He called me in tears saying he couldn't invest in our relationship as he wanted so dearly to keep his wife's memory alive in his head. He spent the day at her graveside.
My DP and I separated last year due to his behaviour, cheating and I felt rejected. I just want a loving relationship. I thought I had this with this guy but his feelings are so erratic, I don't know what to do,

[kaykayblue]

This is such a sad situation.

It doesn't sound like he is deliberately trying to mess you around to me - it sounds more like he is struggling with grief, and especially the feelings of guilt when he does things for you that he used to do for his wife (the gift being one example).

I think the only thing you can do is to sit down with him and just hear him out. If he says he isn't sure, then its your call whether you want to continue to emotionally invest in someone who is going to remain very torn for a while. If he isn't ready, then you will obviously need to respect that, and perhaps its better than getting the hot/cold? If he is ready you could try putting your foot down about taking up counselling again?

[storynanny2]

Not sure if it does help having children and being widowed.
I met my partner 10 years ago, he had been a widower for 9 years, so 19 years a widower now. He has 2 now adult children and there are still times when they want to be together without me and share memories or remember anniversaries.

[storynanny2]

we are all close, but there are certain times when I am aware of the sadness that I am only part of their lives because of the death of someone they all love dearly......it wasn't a choice like divorce is.

[storynanny2]

Every one is different but even after 9 years I did sometimes think in the early days that he still wasn't ready for a full on relationship. I was his first girlfriend since his wife died.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks storynanny. I'm feeling a bit deflated today. He has sent some nice texts since Sunday when this happened. But nothing that indicates he thinks any differently. I guess I will just have to step back given it's a special anniversary of theirs this weekend.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Kaykay, I agree I need to sit down face to face with him which I will do when he's ready to meet. It's heartbreaking as I know I could help him move forward and be more at peace with his grief.

[CalamityKate1]

Whether he means to mess you around or not, that's what he's doing.
He's sending you mixed messages.
That's not fair.

[Pinkfrocks]

But is it your job to 'help' him and move him forward? Better leave that to the professionals. I mean this kindly, but you have a vested interest in his sorting himself, whereas a counsellor would not.
What you do not want to happen LFF is for you to invest a huge amount of time and emotional energy in 'helping him' for him to say' thanks LFF, I'm off now- just met this fab woman at work '[insert suitable place]

In essence, you need to be his girlfriend/ lover not his fixer.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks...I do worry that this would happen. I'm sending him the links to a couple of bereavement support sites in the hope he will push himself in this direction. I agree I can't be his counsellor and I'm beginning to find some of our intense discussions emotionally draining. Whilst I want to support as much as I can, I need to protect myself as I have 2 young children to care for as well as a full on responsible job.

[Pinkfrocks]

That's a good idea. The other thing you could try is changing your behaviour. If he starts to involve you in an intense discussion then maybe you can find a selection of stock phrases to help close down that kind of chat- eg 'you need to talk to a counsellor about this' or 'I'm not the best person to help you here....' or just smile sympathetically and change the subject. You need to make yourself less available in terms of a listening ear or there is a danger the line between LLFF and a counsellor will become blurred- which may damage your relationship later. If you 'parent' him then he may dispense with you once he has overcome his issues- be careful.

[Roussette]

I think there is a big danger you will turn into his counsellor and he will see you in a different light. I know someone who was in a similar situation and seeing a widower. She helped him enormously, was a shoulder to cry on, his outbursts of grief became more manageable and he used to go off for the day when he was upset, instead of relying on her - they learnt between them how to cope with it. Then he just buggered off with someone else because he felt 'so much better!' She was bereft, hurt and angry and he had used her.
She had turned from being a girlfriend to a counsellor and he took advantage of that.
Just sayin'.....
Just seeing that I'm repeating what Pinkfrocks said - I think she's right..

[Pinkfrocks]

:) @Rousette

Also LLFF he may start to associate you with his 'misery' and a sad period of his life then bugger off to someone who doesn't listen at all and is just 'sexy and fun'. IYSWIM.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Lol... I'm sexy and fun :0)
I agree though, I'm cutting back on support. I'm happy to hear him talk about her if he wants to but I will have stock phrases ready like you suggest.
He called me about 15 minutes ago just as he was setting off for work. He was being quite cheery and made a reference to me sexually (just a cheeky nice comment). So, I'm still confused!

[Pinkfrocks]

He's not going to change overnight- from seeing you as his 'listening ear' to 100% Miss Sexy and Fun :)
I think you have to keep changing the subject if he wants 'counselling mode' from you or give him 5 minutes then change the subject. If he's got a brain at all he will twig.

What you need to do is to enable him to see that you are Miss Sexy & Fun, and if he wants to be morose and needs grief counselling he will have to find that from a professional.

I'm telling you this partly from experience- not of bereaved men but 'muddled' men who used my broad shoulders and my sympathy to 'heal themselves' then buggered off to some hard bitch! Only partly joking but YSWIM!

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks Pinkfrocks. My last DP (children's father) was very needy. I have a full life with lots of friends. I suppose I will keep telling him about what I've been up to, showing him that life can be good.
He wants to call me tonight. Hope it's just for friendly chat (he works away midweek). Will keep you up to date. Thanks again :0)

[Pinkfrocks]

Hope the chat goes ok- if he continues to be needy then maybe when you see him again you need to explain how exhausting it is giving support- is he aware of this at all? There must be forums he can access where he can get support if he wants it- and keep you for the 'good times' instead of offloading.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

The chat was fine, but I fear I may be moving into the 'friend zone'. He's decided the way to deal with his grief is to give something back to the world (humanitarian act). I presume this will involve travel, so doesn't give me much hope of a future for any relationship.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I know I could help him move forward and be more at peace with his grief

This is a terrible attitude to have. You aren't his counsellor or cypher through Which he heals from grief. You are a person with needs which you seem to be ignoring because you see his as bigger. I believe for your own sanity you need to step right back and let him get on with his life.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Not a terrible attitude at all, purely one of support from someone who cares. I wouldn't want to change the kind of person I am. The statement I made which you highlighted was not written in a way regarding me counselling him. I meant that I am someone whom he could have fun times with and begin to enjoy life again. However, I do agree I have to think of my own needs and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. I have stepped back as I have young children who need my attention more. He's just sent me a message saying he really appreciates all my support and suggested going out for dinner. Who knows what will happen but I do know I'm just going to go with the flow just now.

[Pinkfrocks]

I'm a bit puzzled now- weren't you already 'going out for dinner 'etc? I thought you were pretty much an item and then there was that hiccup of seeing him on the dating site and needing to clear the air over that? Or am I confused ?

I don't understand how a humanitarian act means going overseas- does he not have a job in the UK? Can he just up sticks and go?

All that says to me is it's a way of displacing his grief- suddenly wanting to 'do good' - I reckon it's another phase and it may be all talk.

I really think you need to stop listening and supporting so much. Go to dinner, go out and do nice things together, but don't allow yourself to be his samaritan. In your shoes I'd cut the chats short ( pressing childcare issues needing you etc) if he rings to offload and wants sympathy.

Has he ever talked about how he feels about you? or your future? have you asked hm? would you?

[Quitelikely]

Grief comes in waves. This might hit him periodically over the years. It's not something that can be controlled and ime it can be triggered by going to places that you did with the dead person etc or even hearing a song.

What's worrying is that he said he just wants to be friends. Maybe it's because he thinks his grief is unfair on you? Have you thought about suggesting friendship only is what you can offer for the time being. He will get himself into a better place but I suppose it's whether you want to wait for him. Some people are worth the wait.

[Pinkfrocks]

He hasn't said he just wants to be friends though.
The OP sensed that may be coming, but they aren't just friends.

[Quitelikely]

Well he said he doesn't want a relationship. Not that he wants nothing to do with her. There's a middle ground.

[Pinkfrocks]

where did he say that? I missed it- can you show me the post?

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi. Not confused :0) We were going to go out for dinner this weekend but after last weekend's setback I suggested we do it another time, due to an anniversary falling on that day. That's him sent a text to say let's arrange the dinner. He must be more upbeat. I'm now thinking last weekend's upset was triggered by guilt.
He works for himself so I presume he can take some sort of sabbatical. However, like you PinkF, I suspect it may be another phase.
I took your advice last night and changed the subject when I felt the conversation was going in one direction. It seemed to work. He said he's buying tickets for us to see one of my fave bands. So I suppose that's ok.
Last weekend (night before upset) he said he was falling for me and I said the same. But neither of us mentioned the future. I could mention it but I initially went into this for fun times and dating after the break down of my last (long) relationship. Still a bit confused myself what I want. I do want something monogamous and fun and lasting I suppose. I'd like to think we have a future but would need to iron out the creases before decisions were made.