Dating the bereaved

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I recently posted about this guy I've met, who's wife died 2 years ago from cancer. He is still really struggling with grief. He had counselling at the time and nothing since. He keeps saying he will but doesn't.
We have been dating since last December. Apart from a blip, and a time 3 months in when he said he couldn't move forward, things have been great.
At the weekend we had a lovely time and he said such things as he was beginning to enjoy life again and we were planning holidays, etc.
The following day was a complete flip. He called me in tears saying he couldn't invest in our relationship as he wanted so dearly to keep his wife's memory alive in his head. He spent the day at her graveside.
My DP and I separated last year due to his behaviour, cheating and I felt rejected. I just want a loving relationship. I thought I had this with this guy but his feelings are so erratic, I don't know what to do,

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Sorry just saw this post. I am so glad you managed to meet up and that things may progress.
As for me, my widower pulled out of our meeting at the last minute. I've made the decision to walk away. It's not doing my confidence any good. He hasn't indicated making other arrangements. Whilst I truly feel sorry for him, he is so obviously not ready and I'm not in any emotional state to wait. I suffered an EA relationship and separated last year.
All the best Ships and let me know how you get on.

[Ships99]

Hi LLFF.... I'm pleased to see you're planning to go out together at the weekend... I'm all for seeing how things go! Lol
As for my situation... We went for a lovely drive out to a remote pub... Chatted and flirted lots. It was lovely. I seemed to get a lot further with our discussion about how things are going and that we both really enjoy out time together... So maybe we should meet more than once a fortnight! He explained to be that he doesn't mean to be awful when he doesn't message back for a day or so... He just doesn't realise sometimes. He said he still feels guilty for a day or so after were together... Guilty to the memory of his wife... Even though he knows that is irrational. I think the counselling he has been going for is helping him talk about how he feels.
It was a much more positive meeting than I anticipated! It maybe not the romance if the century for me, but the time together feels special and I love it... So I'm willing to see how things go!
Please keep us posted how you're getting on! Xxx

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi, so we've had a good long chat. Yes, turns out it's been a very emotional time for him. I offered my sympathies but took it no further. We have arranged to go out at the weekend :0)

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thank you. He was with his wife for 4 years, so not that long. he nursed her through her cancer so it's been difficult.
I am trying not to allow myself to be used. When he is feeling on the up, he is very kind, caring and considerate. I am patient but I'm trying to get on with life in the meantime :0)

[Earlybird]

Have had a quick skim of the thread.

LittleLadyFooFoo - you have been extremely kind, patient and understanding. It seems that is what your situation requires. I think you are wise to let him work through his grief/anxiety about a new relationship with the professionals rather than allowing your kindness to be used to 'counsel' him.

He sounds a good man, and so may be worth all the patience.

How long was he with his wife?

One word of caution: most everything you have posted is about him and what he needs, what he is feeling, what he is going through. Make sure you don't allow this relationship to become all about him. He needs to be able to think about you - and not just when he is feeling 'ok'. In the nicest possible way: don't let him use you.

[Pinkfrocks]

Course you have the confidence :)
Just do it- nothing lost by a casual date .

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi Pinks :0)
He's communicated this week but he also attended a funeral so have a feeling it may have unearthed some more grief.
I went on a night out on Friday and was chatted up by two lovely guys (one a tad young but hey an ego boost). It was fun but in my heart I still want Mr Widower! I should have given the other guy my number and do as you suggested. I just feel I don't have the confidence yet.

[Pinkfrocks]

Hi LLFF

You're doing fine but there is a back history of you offering a listening ear. it's going to take more than a week for him to twig that you are perhaps not so eager to do that any more if he continues to be less than supportive of you.
It's tough but my advice is try to cut down on the emotional investment and put yourself in situations where you may meet other men- and if they ask you out, go! It's the old saying- if you love them let them go and if they love you they'll come back to you.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks for advice. I feel I have been very laid back about it all when I'm with him. I go with the flow and put no pressure on him. I am a giver and I think of his feelings. However, I too have to think of myself. I have 2 children and I have been through a difficult separation last year, albeit we are friends now. So, I am standing back but knowing how much and for how long is difficult to judge when you really care for someone.

[Fiddlerontheroof]

I'm with a man who lost his wife...and we met 4 months after she passed away. I was 7 months in to a horrendous divorce, ex h unfaithful and appalling behaviour. We've now been together three years. In hindsight...there were a lot of things we worked through which required great patience and understanding on both our parts. Initially we were together because we both craved incredible closeness with someone else, and were able to do that. We are now incredibly close...he amazes me all the time with how thoughtful and brilliant he is with my kids.....and how great things are. We are three years in, but we've put no pressure on ourselves to move in together, and the time we have alone is limited because of my kids...which makes it very nice and special when it happens. We don't have future plans at the moment, just here and now makes us happy, and that works. There were many times I was close to calling it a day and possibly him too......but at the moment this works, No one is expecting anymore, and we have some great times.

From some of your posts, I think you're expecting too much in a way. I think the advice to let him come to you is wise. I think my partner could have done with some counselling...but just couldn't bring himself to go in the end. I don't think you can push him into anything...so if you can step back a bit, I think it would be wise. Or call it a day if you can't put up with his retreats back to grief. Because sadly there isn't going to be a quick fix here. Xx

[Muddle2000]

I would not get involved with this man at the moment He will not be ready for another serious relationship for a while yet and you could just get used while he recovers. I would view this as a nice friendship at the moment and see if it develops later Fools rush in...

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi Ships. I held out and he contacted me. We have text back and forth but not as much as before. I'm putting it down to it being a difficult week for him. He is calling me later so I'm hoping it's for a nice chat rather than anything else. How are things with you?

[Ships99]

Is there any updates on this Littlelady? I really feel for you xxx

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I agree Cernabbas. Still no text and I've not sent any more. I feel quite hurt given all the time and effort I've put in.

[Cernabbas]

There is no excuse for him not offering you support when you needed it though.
Hope everything else is OK x

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks Pinks. You really have helped me make sense of all this. I have a new promotion at work which is keeping me busy and of course the children are a distraction. I will ressurect this thread with an update. Hope you are well x

[Pinkfrocks]

sorry to hear he hasn't replied..men, huh?
I expect he has periods when he is withdrawing into his grief and it's 'all about him'.
No excuse for not replying to you, but maybe he's preoccupied with his own feelings. I appreciate it's hurtful though when you have given him so much time and support.
The anniversaries etc will always be an issue but longer term he may well cope with them better - just now it's too soon. I expect he is avoiding counselling because it will make him face his feelings head on with a professional and may be painful, unlike dinner and nice chats with LLFF :)

I know it's really really hard but if you can try to detach yourself a bit by keeping busy with other stuff- even though you'd rather be with him- then it's win-win; if he closes that gap great, if he doesn't then you are already laying down the foundations to meet other people.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Hi Pinks. Thanks again. I don't like confrontation so I shall go with option 1. I have arranged something with friends for the weekend so that if he does try to meet me, I will be busy. You are right, he needs to know I'm not so available.
I text him today about a family issue which is worrying me and he hasn't replied. Bothered me as i have been there for him all along :0(

[Pinkfrocks]

Hi
Sorry :(
You have 2 options: do nothing - no speech or telling him you are fed up, just gradually withdraw a bit and don't be so available when he rings or asks you out. Be 'busy' doing other stuff - he will either pick up on this and chase, or he will back off as well and that's your answer.
Option 2- have it out with him which will force the issue and may be the end of it all, or at least give him time on his own to think about it and carry on grieving.

Which sounds the best option to you?

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Ok, things were great and he even said he was beginning to move forward. He even said he was falling for me. Then there was an anniversary at the weekend and his communication has lessened.
Should I be patient? Should I give up? He hasn't arranged counselling yet. Argghhh! I think I'm getting too stressed and I need to tell him I can't do what we are doing.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Just read your replies. Thank you.
I will leave the counselling suggestions as just that. He can make the arrangements. As you say, I don't want to continue to be his fixer .
I was out all day with friends yesterday and he sent me a few nice texts. Meeting up in a couple of days. Will let you know how things go. Thank you again.

[Spickle]

Oh yes, I agree with you Pinkfrocks - don't arrange counselling sessions, he's got to do this himself but a bit of gentle persuasion might help swing it a little, for example if he is unsure about it, make it seem like it's very casual, i.e. what's the harm in trying once and if you don't like it, well, at least you tried?

Only you can decide whether or not to call it a day. It might be a relief for him (because it solves his dilemma) and then he'll come to realise that he wants you in his life and will seek you out again. It's risky but at least you know you've done everything you can for now.

[Pinkfrocks]

I'd really not go as far as arranging counselling sessions for him. Suggesting is enough- he's an adult and you are in danger of parenting him if you do too much. This will blur the lines between your role as a girlfriend and his 'fixer'. The more you try to be a fixer the harder it may be for him to relate to you in a sexual way, because this is something he's already struggling with due to his grief/guilt.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks Spickle. I'm still feeling he's holding back but it's clear he wants some sort of relationship. I will try not to push and be patient until it comes to a point I need more. In which case I might do what your DP did x

[Spickle]

Next Spring!

People do move forward - I had a tree planted in my DH's memory but it is only me and my children (DP also comes) who visit with any regularity. While my friends and family gave me support for the first six months or so, after that it did drop off a lot. This is when the bereavement groups are useful. I should say here that counselling is not my thing at all, but it has helped me enormously.

There were more women at my bereavement group than men, which could be indicative of more women seeking help or is it that more men die first? Whatever the reason, the men who were coming to group were actually very needy and the support of the group was a lifeline. While your guy might not like the idea of this kind of support/socialising, it is helpful when you are still quite raw and emotional and everyone there has a similar story. Might be worth asking at the library if any such group exists where you are, even if you have to take him there and push him through the door!

I hope you can work things out, you obviously care very deeply for him.