Recently an old boyfriend got back in touch with me through Facebook. I'll go straight to the back story. He was my first sexual partner. I was 19 when we met. We were together for about two years. At the time he was a student and a heavy drinker. He was lovely when he was sober. He's a great talker and very charming. He often told me he loved me. He was really unreliable and eventually I saw sense and broke up with him. He tried to get back in touch with me a few times in the following year but I suppose he gave up eventually when I didn't respond.
I met my now DH the following year and we have been married for 16 years. We have 2 young children. DH is a lovely man and a great dad.
Our sex life has never been anything but mediocre and has diminished a lot in recent years. We might have sex once a week but sometimes not for weeks on end. I haven't had an orgasm through sex for years. It's partly because I'm on antidepressants (I had PND and then other things going on) which have effected my libido and partly because I don't really get turned on by DH anymore.
I think I still love him although I am finding him more and more irritating recently. We are generally happy enough and don't row much. My family thinks that we are the perfect couple. But there is just no oomph left between us. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with my irritating but loveable brother. But in our almost 20 years together, I have never even looked at another man.
So the old boyfriend got back in touch. We chatted on and off for a few weeks and caught up on one another's lives. He is divorced with 2 children. He lives in London. Our online chats got more and more frequent and we started flirting. He told me he regretted his behaviour at the time we were together and that 'I was the one that got away'. We also spoke on the phone and honestly some of our conversations made my stomach flip (in a good way!). We spoke about meeting up and also about sleeping together. We eventually arranged to meet up a couple of months ago but I chickened out and cancelled.
Last week I was visiting London for a few days and we arranged to meet up again. I ended up back at his flat and we slept together. I managed to see him twice more before I had to leave. It was lovely to see him again and my God, he's a fantastic kisser. I haven't had a snogging session like it since I first met DH.
We have said we will try to see other again but we live so far apart that realistically it won't be for months and months. There is absolutely no chance of it ever developing into something more. But I can't stop thinking about him. I think I could actually fall in love with him this time.
I know cheating is wrong and that my DH would be devastated if he found out. I also know that I'm putting our family at risk.
There is no way I would ever leave my husband. I'm not really happy but my life is very comfortable. I know I am being an absolute bitch. I didn't know I had it in me to be so deceitful. It's not a nice thing to realise about yourself.
I don't want to tell anyone IRL but I need to talk or I might blurt it out to someone. So come and talk to me. Tell me I'm a terrible person. Ask me questions. Don't be too horrible but talk to me.