My old flame

[IThinkImMad]

Recently an old boyfriend got back in touch with me through Facebook. I'll go straight to the back story. He was my first sexual partner. I was 19 when we met. We were together for about two years. At the time he was a student and a heavy drinker. He was lovely when he was sober. He's a great talker and very charming. He often told me he loved me. He was really unreliable and eventually I saw sense and broke up with him. He tried to get back in touch with me a few times in the following year but I suppose he gave up eventually when I didn't respond.

I met my now DH the following year and we have been married for 16 years. We have 2 young children. DH is a lovely man and a great dad.

Our sex life has never been anything but mediocre and has diminished a lot in recent years. We might have sex once a week but sometimes not for weeks on end. I haven't had an orgasm through sex for years. It's partly because I'm on antidepressants (I had PND and then other things going on) which have effected my libido and partly because I don't really get turned on by DH anymore.

I think I still love him although I am finding him more and more irritating recently. We are generally happy enough and don't row much. My family thinks that we are the perfect couple. But there is just no oomph left between us. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with my irritating but loveable brother. But in our almost 20 years together, I have never even looked at another man.

So the old boyfriend got back in touch. We chatted on and off for a few weeks and caught up on one another's lives. He is divorced with 2 children. He lives in London. Our online chats got more and more frequent and we started flirting. He told me he regretted his behaviour at the time we were together and that 'I was the one that got away'. We also spoke on the phone and honestly some of our conversations made my stomach flip (in a good way!). We spoke about meeting up and also about sleeping together. We eventually arranged to meet up a couple of months ago but I chickened out and cancelled.

Last week I was visiting London for a few days and we arranged to meet up again. I ended up back at his flat and we slept together. I managed to see him twice more before I had to leave. It was lovely to see him again and my God, he's a fantastic kisser. I haven't had a snogging session like it since I first met DH.

We have said we will try to see other again but we live so far apart that realistically it won't be for months and months. There is absolutely no chance of it ever developing into something more. But I can't stop thinking about him. I think I could actually fall in love with him this time.

I know cheating is wrong and that my DH would be devastated if he found out. I also know that I'm putting our family at risk.

There is no way I would ever leave my husband. I'm not really happy but my life is very comfortable. I know I am being an absolute bitch. I didn't know I had it in me to be so deceitful. It's not a nice thing to realise about yourself.

I don't want to tell anyone IRL but I need to talk or I might blurt it out to someone. So come and talk to me. Tell me I'm a terrible person. Ask me questions. Don't be too horrible but talk to me.

Vivacia - she got it wrong then!

I agree Vivacia.

Well, it's not lovely and exciting, sitting in an STI clinic and wondering how you are suddenly going to insist on condoms with your DH of 16 years for 3 months (as at's the interval between the two rounds of tests needed for a proper all-clear, assuming of course that you are clear).

When your husband finds out - and he will, someone will tell him, or he'll find something on your phone, or facebook, or he'll just know because you'll definitely be acting differently - your family unit will fall apart. He will probably tell you to leave, you will have to find somewhere to live by yourself and you'll only see your children half or less of the week.

Your family and friends may disown you, your children will be confused and upset, in the future they may hate you and will certainly blame you for what you did to them and their dad.

In the meantime you'll run to the OM and try to block out all the hurt you have caused. You'll think that once the dust has settled everyone will forget and it'll be 'for the best' all round. It won't. People may act like everything is ok but the destruction you caused may change some peoples lives forever, in particular your husband and your children.

The OM may or may not be the new love of your life. But ask yourself this. It didn't work out first time round. His marriage didn't work out either. He's come chasing after you knowing full well you are married with a family. You may well love him but what kind of a person does that really make him? He has no morals, and neither do you. If you do get together with him there will be all sorts of issues regarding you each seeing your children which will interrupt your new life together. Are you ok with that? You might have his children with you but not your own. And vice versa. Is that ok with him? No doubt you haven't discussed any of this because you think it will never happen, that you and he can carry on meeting up for sex in secret without anyone ever finding out.

But they will find out. You won't have any control over how or when but they will.

So your choices are - cut all contact with OM immediately and concentrate on your marriage. Or cut all contact with OM, tell your dh that you no longer want to be with him and get divorced, and THEN re-contact OM to start a relationship as two single people.

Whatever you do, don't carry on in secret. The longer it goes on the worse the fallout will be. Think very hard about what you're doing. It is one of the worst forms of deceit and not one person will have any sympathy with you, even closest friends and family.

You are not a horrible person. Beating yourself up about it will not help one bit. Your old flame has just shown you what is missing in your life.
Why don't you book a weekend away for you and your DH, if you can't manage a weekend then hotel in the afternoon o whatever. Use your imagination. Challenge your DH to give you what your relationship is missing. The old flame has done you a favour but not in the way you think.

I wonder what the OM will be doing during these months apart? Will you be in touch with each other? Does he have your blessing to pursue relationships or "arrangements" with other women?

No fool like an old(er) fool

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. People found out about what she was doing, as inevitably happens, and her husband found out. They separated and she went to live with new partner. Her daughters were distraught.
Two years later they are divorced, her new partner got fed up with the reality, rather than the idea, of a proper relationship, and she is now living on her own.
She has lost her house, all her friends, her children won't speak to her and she signed away all rights to husbands pension in the rush to move in with new love.
Don't do it.

They say the grass is greener on the other side. Try watering your own lawn instead of admiring someone else's grass.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side, because it has been fertilized by bullshit.

Stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it! Stay focused.

That is all!

You need to wise up.

If this man was decent, he' d leave you alone until you either decided to leave your marriage, or make it work.

Take responsibility OP. Of you. Your actions. Your life. I'm not going to judge either. What's the point.

So many people make excuses as reasons to justify this that and the other. My ex contacted me out the blue on facebook the other day. I had a lovely time telling him how I was engaged and how happy I was. Oddly enough he didn't contact me again. And there I was thinking he wanted to catch up

Seriously. You can't undo what you have done. You have no right to treat your husband like this. Or your children. If you are unhappy then just leave. It really is that simple. From someone that was married wasn't happy became attracted to another man and didn't cheat. Left and became a lone parent to four children and met another man three years later.

Take responsibility. The grass is always greener.

I was in a similar situation - unhappy in marriage, no sex or intimacy for a couple of years, 3 small kids. Like you I met up with an ex and got caught up in the excitement of feeling wanted, desirable again, etc. I stopped short of sleeping with him though - after some messaging back and forth we met once and soon afterwards he contacted me to tell me he had met someone he really liked and could we just be friends!

It made me realise what I fool I had been. I got counselling for myself which helped me understand what was making me unhappy in my relationship. I spoke to my DH, who was unhappy as well (didn't tell him about ex). We agreed to go for counselling together which has thrown up lots of issues we had been sweeping under the carpet for years - now that we are finally dealing with them I don't know whether we will split up or stay together, but whatever happens it will be after a process of examining our problems and trying to work them out. I am so glad nothing further happened with the ex.

So, I know how powerful that feeling of excitement can be, how it can make you do foolish, selfish things and try and justify them to yourself - but really, it's not fair. My advice would be to try and address what is wrong in your relationship. Maybe it's not fixable, but at least you will have tried in an honest way.

You should tell him to stop contacting you and you need to do the same.

You should then book some counselling sessions and work out if you want to stay with your DH. If you do- and it sounds as if you do- then you have to accept that he's not the world's best snogger, the sex isn't going to blow your mind, but you have a comfortable life and your kids have a great dad and stability.

If that sounds like a nightmare and you really want to be with this guy- or someone else- then you need to face up to what that means which will be a smaller house I imagine, and a bit of a tougher life until you get back on your feet.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket though- this guy might disappear as quickly as he arrived if he thinks you are serious. Whether he'd be ready to take on you and your kids is another matter.

I actually feel a little bit sick reading your post.

Let your husband go, make sure your kids are OK and THEN you can sleep with whoever makes your tummy flip...

It's not rocket science, is it? Surely that would be the best way forward?

Oh sorry, you like your comfortable life, silly me! It's all about you, isn't it? Don't forget to ask your DH for the shirt off his back too.

You're acting like an entitle cowbag, to be blunt, OP. Please stop it.

entitled

It's not ideal and unless you are very very good at compartmentalising, this will wear you down.

I would suggest trying to make your marriage work and if that fails, it may well be time to go your separate ways.

If our posts regarding honour, keeping promises, and 'grow up' don't resonate with you, maybe you should look at this from 'your perspective', so think about this; why don't you take a look at chat, relationships, AIBU and take a good hard look at a number of 'Where are the good men' and 'All the good ones are married' threads from what appear to be decent single women. Your DH sounds like a good man. Just you remember that there are probably many, MANY decent women who would LOVE to be married to your DH and would be faithful, caring wives. He is apparently a commodity in short supply. So don't think for a hot minute that he won't find plenty of female sympathy when the shit hits the fan. And it will hit the fan, sooner or later. They'll be standing in line, elbowing each other to get next to him. Where will your 'comfortable life' be then, eh?

I understand 'bored'. I understand 'I'm not 'in love' anymore'. Most marriages of long standing have that at some time. But then we realize that true love isn't butterflies and orgasms, it's that calm, sure feeling of knowing that your spouse is and will always be standing next to you, supporting you. That they 'get' you down to your bones. That they are the rock on which you have built your life. And that that life is a damn good one!

You need to wake up and smell the coffee, dear. You have what most women would kill for. And you're throwing it away with both hands for nothing more than a 'good fuck'.

What would you be saying to your best friend's husband or your father if he came to you and told you the things you've posted & asked you what he should do?

Thanks for all the replies. It's just what I wanted - other people's opinions and perspectives.

Obviously I already know what I'm doing is wrong, stupid etc. I know my husband and children don't deserve this. But a few things were sort of lurking in the back of my mind but I needed to see them in black and white for them to make sense to me.

The impact this could have on my wider family. I had only been thinking about my family of four.

What my children will think of what I've done when they are older and any long term effect it could have on them.

Up thread, Shockers said "lust and possibly the desire to be the young person you were before PND is clouding your judgement." She's absolutely right. Being with him made me feel like I was 21 again. Which obviously isn't sustainable.

I hadn't thought about my DH leaving me. I don't think he would but I don't know for sure.

Fairylea, thanks for letting me know what it's like from the other side. It sounds awful.

Ok, so I have to stop. It's going to be hard, because of the way he made me feel but I'm going to try very hard. I know it sounds like I'm glossing over this, but there's no point in going over and over it here. I'll do that in my head anyway.

I think the problems in my marriage are worse than I thought. I wouldn't be looking outside my marriage if things were ok. I can't just coast along like this though. My feelings towards my DH are very ambivalent. I don't know what I want to do. The thought of divorcing and splitting up my family fills me with horror. But I feel like I'll be dying a slow death if I just leave things as they are. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all ok.

I don't know if I'd survive without my family. My whole existence is defined by them. In an ideal world my marriage would survive and we'd both be happy again. Of course that's what I want but how do I do that? How do I try to fix it? Is a marriage salvageable when it has gotten to this stage?

OP, what a pity you didn't think about these things prior to fucking an ex to try and regain your youth. Marriage isn't always a bed of roses and takes work. If you can be bothered.

Based on what you have told us, I think you've already checked out and I don't think there is anything to salvage. I suspect if you didn't have kids you'd have buggered off and you're only now starting to think of the impact on them. You don't think you'd survive without your family? Jesus. It's STILL all about you, isn't it?

Okay, you've had the perspective of the spouse who was shit upon. And it's still about poor old you.

I have another perspective which can be all about you too. My mother had an affair, my father wasn't exactly an angel either, but she had the affair. They remained married for another 30 years afterwards.

I do not know when or how my mother died. I could find out but I don't need to. So I haven't.

All those people up there telling your your DCs will hate you are right.

"I don't know if I'd survive without my family. My whole existence is defined by them. In an ideal world my marriage would survive and we'd both be happy again. Of course that's what I want but how do I do that? How do I try to fix it? Is a marriage salvageable when it has gotten to this stage?"

Yes, it's salvageable. But you must do the work. Cut contact completely with OM, immediately. And recognize you never solve problems within a marriage by looking outside the marriage. You must turn towards your DH and try to rediscover who is really is and what he means to you. But whatever you do, if you are determined to do right by him, do NOT tell him you've been unfaithful. That's just shoving the hurt onto him to absolve yourself. You need to feel the guilt, he doesn't. Try to look at him with objective eyes. Really see his good qualities and the things he does for you and for your family. Not whizz-bang exciting things, but those things that really make your life together good. Try to carve out time for the two of you to do things together. Initiate sex and try to show him the things you freely gave to another man. I think you'll find that you never lost the love you feel for him and that you may even begin to feel 'in love' again.

Perhaps it's time to see your GP about your current meds and whether or not some counseling would help you.

If, after all this, you feel that you just cannot be faithful or be the wife that a good man deserves, you need to own up to it within yourself and leave him so that he can have a woman who truly deserves him.

There is no way I would ever leave my husband. I'm not really happy but my life is very comfortable.

You may have no choice on the matter.

Your husband will find out one way or another, especially if you are walking around like a love struck teenager.

Affairs can cause huge fallout and blow families apart.

Grow up and end your marriage and give your husband closure before starting on your next relationship.

You are living in a fantasy world and seeing it as a way of outing your marraige
if you dont feel anything for your dh do the best for both of you and then if your ex is interested he will wait if he is genuine

Oh how that Farrow and Ball paint will curdle when your husband finds out you have been fucking Mr Regain-My-Youth and throws you out on your arse. Off to B+Q for you, m'dear while some other woman who appreciates a good man and slips into your "comfortable" life.

And yes, your kds will never look at you the same way again. Pretty black and white, kids are. They would consider their mother fucking someone who isn't their father (while still married to him) as low life behaviour, and they would be right.