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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My old flame

115 replies

IThinkImMad · 21/07/2014 01:46

Recently an old boyfriend got back in touch with me through Facebook. I'll go straight to the back story. He was my first sexual partner. I was 19 when we met. We were together for about two years. At the time he was a student and a heavy drinker. He was lovely when he was sober. He's a great talker and very charming. He often told me he loved me. He was really unreliable and eventually I saw sense and broke up with him. He tried to get back in touch with me a few times in the following year but I suppose he gave up eventually when I didn't respond.

I met my now DH the following year and we have been married for 16 years. We have 2 young children. DH is a lovely man and a great dad.

Our sex life has never been anything but mediocre and has diminished a lot in recent years. We might have sex once a week but sometimes not for weeks on end. I haven't had an orgasm through sex for years. It's partly because I'm on antidepressants (I had PND and then other things going on) which have effected my libido and partly because I don't really get turned on by DH anymore.

I think I still love him although I am finding him more and more irritating recently. We are generally happy enough and don't row much. My family thinks that we are the perfect couple. But there is just no oomph left between us. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with my irritating but loveable brother. But in our almost 20 years together, I have never even looked at another man.

So the old boyfriend got back in touch. We chatted on and off for a few weeks and caught up on one another's lives. He is divorced with 2 children. He lives in London. Our online chats got more and more frequent and we started flirting. He told me he regretted his behaviour at the time we were together and that 'I was the one that got away'. We also spoke on the phone and honestly some of our conversations made my stomach flip (in a good way!). We spoke about meeting up and also about sleeping together. We eventually arranged to meet up a couple of months ago but I chickened out and cancelled.

Last week I was visiting London for a few days and we arranged to meet up again. I ended up back at his flat and we slept together. I managed to see him twice more before I had to leave. It was lovely to see him again and my God, he's a fantastic kisser. I haven't had a snogging session like it since I first met DH.

We have said we will try to see other again but we live so far apart that realistically it won't be for months and months. There is absolutely no chance of it ever developing into something more. But I can't stop thinking about him. I think I could actually fall in love with him this time.

I know cheating is wrong and that my DH would be devastated if he found out. I also know that I'm putting our family at risk.

There is no way I would ever leave my husband. I'm not really happy but my life is very comfortable. I know I am being an absolute bitch. I didn't know I had it in me to be so deceitful. It's not a nice thing to realise about yourself.

I don't want to tell anyone IRL but I need to talk or I might blurt it out to someone. So come and talk to me. Tell me I'm a terrible person. Ask me questions. Don't be too horrible but talk to me.

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 22/07/2014 09:16

so you were there when it happened? amazing!

Minus2seventy3 · 22/07/2014 09:30

Semantics I suppose, but it boils down to one's moral compass, does it not?
Accepting an advance on Facebook, charing and flirting, arranging to meet up - the OP knew exactly where this was going, and actively went for it, culminating in screwing someone else and betraying her husband... "Grubby" is a suitable weird on my compass.

Minus2seventy3 · 22/07/2014 09:32

chatting, not charing... Really ought to proof read when posting on a mobile.

Pinkfrocks · 22/07/2014 09:41

Hope you've all got your hard hats on for when you fall of those horses!

mindyourown1 · 22/07/2014 09:47

An affair is grubby - how could it not be? Utterly bizarre to think it would ever be acceptable.

For some of us an affair is, and always will be, wrong.

NacMacFeeglie · 22/07/2014 10:35

Grubby fumble. That's quite tame really. Sordid. Disgusting. I'd hate to think my partner would cheat and continue to have sex with me. Yuck.

EarthWindFire · 22/07/2014 10:40

Hope you've all got your hard hats on for when you fall of those horses!

The OP consciously made the decision to have an affair. It has nothing to do with being on a high horse!

Her DH is (for now) oblivious to it all.

The OP has gloated about the way he kisses etc

She says she wouldn't leave as her life is comfortable.

It is all about what will happen to her if her DH finds out. Not about the effect it would have on her DH.

serendippity · 22/07/2014 10:52

Now hang on, people make terrible choices (and yes op this is a terrible choice) but it doesn't make her an awful person/bitch/cowbag.

Advice would be to end this and work massively on things with your husband, the damage this will cause will be catastrophic for you, your husband and also for you children.

Op is asking for advice and she knows what's happening is wrong, she also sounds quite lonely and disillusioned with her life, this is not and excuse and should have been dealt with differently, but it is a horrible place to be and some people may be tempted to be drawn back to a happier time in their past.

This, by the way is coming from someone who couldn't even contemplate doing something like this, but who am I to judge another person and their feelings.
I'm not perfect either, in many, many ways.

Pinkfrocks · 22/07/2014 10:54

EWF- I don't think you understand what being on a high horse is.
It means being sanctimonious, passing judgment, being holier-than-thou.

I'm not for a moment condoning what the OP did but I am really struggling to see what the outpouring of disgust towards her and the 'pack mentality' to see who can think of the most wounding adverbs and adjectives really achieves?

It's all very predictable and not remotely helpful.

serendippity · 22/07/2014 11:09

Agree 100% with pinkfrocks who is being far more eloquent than I am :)

Pinkfrocks · 22/07/2014 11:22

I still understood you SD Thanks

HiImBarryScott · 22/07/2014 11:29

You have done an awful thing.

You are gambling with the happiness of those that are supposed to mean the most to you for the sake of a bit of buzz and a shag.

Sort your head out.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 12:27

If I did what OP has done, I would give myself a much harder time than she is doing.

Also, not sure if I missed the part where she asked for advice

This thread seems to be more talking about the grubby little situation because she can't do that in RL

Original poster
IThinkImMad · 22/07/2014 14:17

Lordy, some people are really getting their knickers in a twist about about this. I fear I'm in danger of being burned at the stake.

The snogging thing was more to convey how I felt. It wasn't meant to be a gloat. You may also have noticed that I said my DH and I don't have much sex any more and that I haven't had an orgasm for a long time. If I was the type of person to gloat, do you think I would have included those?

As for a comfortable life, I was referring to my relationship rather than lifestyle. Up until now, we've just been coasting along. Everything looks fine on the surface. I've said before my DH is a perfectly nice person. We don't fight or hit each other. Money, housework responsibilities etc are all shared fairly evenly. But it's just all meh. I don't expect hearts and flowers and beating hearts but it just feels very empty.

We've been married for 16 years. I've gotten used to it and because there were no "problems", I accepted that this was my life. But I've realised now that something has to change and it has taken me going as far as cheating to realise it. But I'm only human, anyone would be reluctant to leave behind their life after 16 years. To be honest, I'm fucking terrified.

I also believe that not every marriage is strong and right. A lot of them are just ok. People hang on in there because they are used to it and can't contemplate the alternative. And of course sometimes they stay for more selfish reasons ie money, big house. Don't vilify me because I'm not prostrating myself at my husband's feet begging for forgiveness and realising that, after all, I am desperately in love with him. Life is not like a film. Not everyone gets to have a happy ending.

I've never contemplated cheating before this. I would have said I wasn't the type of person. I suppose him getting in touch with me when he did was just good/bad timing. And yes I went into with my eyes wide open. He flattered and charmed me. I was excited to see what it would be like to be with another person after such a long time. And the fact that it was with the boyfriend I had when I was young and slim and pretty just made it easier.

I got carried away. I was away from my real life. I was child free, in London, the weather was beautiful. We lay on the grass in a park for an hour and just talked. I can't tell you the last time I sat with my husband for an hour and just talked.

I know it was all was horribly selfish but most human beings are. And don't come back and tell me that you aren't. You might not take it as far as I did, but everybody has their own best interests at heart no matter how well intentioned they like to think they are. I know that's harsh but it's the truth.

But I know now that I made a big mistake. Cheating on my husband was wrong and I'm sorry I did it. It wasn't any kind of solution to my marriage problems but it has at least given me the impetus to do something about it.

The problem I have now is facing up to the problems and talking about them with DH. I don't even know how to start that conversation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 14:20

I know a good place to start that conversation

Have the decency to put him on the same page as you

Then he can make decisions in the full knowledge you have, instead of only half the story

Original poster
IThinkImMad · 22/07/2014 14:20

I almost forgot to say, to those posters defending me against the name calling etc, thank you for having a bit of compassion.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 22/07/2014 14:34

I do know what it means thank you pink

I know it was all was horribly selfish but most human beings are. And don't come back and tell me that you aren't. You might not take it as far as I did, but everybody has their own best interests at heart no matter how well intentioned they like to think they are. I know that's harsh but it's the truth.

I can tell you 100% that I would never have an affair. My moral compass would not allow me to. I have also seen on a few occasions the horrendous fall out from people having the result if affairs.

OP you say that you don't think your husband would leave you if he knew. Personally I think you should give him that choice. It should be his decision.

Pinkfrocks · 22/07/2014 16:02

If I did what OP has done, I would give myself a much harder time than she is doing.

I can never quite understand why people post such self-righteous comments.

Nothing like telling the world how perfect you are Hmm

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 16:05

Don't be silly, where did you see me say I was perfect ?

mindyourown1 · 22/07/2014 16:23

You are never going to get any support here if you have an affair. Many of us, me included, have had our lives imploded by an unfaithful partner. You don't get over that sort of disloyalty from the person you trust the most.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/07/2014 16:23

I'm still of the opinion that if Ithink is serious about her remorse and wants to rebuild her marriage that she should NOT tell her DH about her ONE lapse. Vilify me if you must. It's her guilt and shame and she must carry it, alone. To tell him would be to gain personal absolution at the expense of her DH's happiness. But I would never, ever say those words to a serial cheat. It's a horse of a different colour when you justify secrecy by saying you 'don't' want to hurt your spouse' but continue to cheat.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 16:27

I am not going to vilify you, Pond. Everybody brings their own take on the situation here. TBF, to tell or not to tell always divides opinion. I tend to base it on how I would liek to be treated. I would like to know what I am dealing with, and not treated as some sort of imbecile that cannot cope with the truth. I think he deserves the truth...how can he make an informed choice otherwise?

IrianofWay · 22/07/2014 16:32

Not approving of affairs is a long way from being perfect. It's just having a sense of empathy and honesty in one particular area of life. I had an EA many years ago. H had an affair 2 years ago. It hurts. It hurts a marriage so much that it has to be a very strong one to survive. I am still wounded if I am honest, there are days when I feel that emotionally I am stumbling around in a dressing gown and slippers with a mug of lemsip. But those days are now few and far between.

The sentiments expressed to the OP are nothing compared to what her H is likely to say (or at least think) when he finds out.

What annoys me about these threads is the sense of 'oh but I deserve this happiness, my marriage is so boring/passionless/old'. Because you know what? I'd put any money on the fact that your spouse feels much the same but has found less cruel (but ultimately probably just as pointless) ways of coping with it. There are ways of handling it than head-burying or having an affair.

Don't tell him yet if you think it will hurt him/your marriage too much but DO approach him and tell him you are unhappy and that you need MC or some sort of intervention. Dump the OM

PiratePanda · 22/07/2014 16:36

Let's turn it around a bit and turn the focus on your ex. Frankly, your ex is a shit of the worst order. Who would want to be with an arsehole who takes advantage of lonely married women with low self esteem? What kind of a creep does that?

I'm furious with your ex. What a shit!

IrianofWay · 22/07/2014 16:38

Well pirate, the ex isn't the one who is married.

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