Money issue in a new relationship

[RainbowB7]

I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...

I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.

I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.

The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.

The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.

Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.

Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?

Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.

[stargirl04]

Hi OP, when I met my ex, three weeks into the relationship he told me he couldn't pay his rent.

While I didn't pay it for him, I wasted four years waiting for him to change.

He was always skint and was eventually evicted from his flat.

I wish I'd taken heed to that early warning sign and got out then, but there's no fool like an old fool!

Don't be like me. Run and don't look back!

[RainbowB7]

To the people saying I am a catch - that's nice of you, thank you! If I'm completely honest it probably is fair to say I am pretty sorted in most areas of my life, but I have had a few bad relationships and I hoped this one was different. The fact is that currently I don't trust him and I feel suspicious, and I'm not so sure any more that I see a future in it. I think I am going to distance myself a bit and see what happens when I next see him. I don't want to just dump when I can't see him face to face and I kind of want to give him some benefit of the doubt. I do think it's more a cultural difference than calculated con but the bottom line is if he asks again for money or shows any suggestion of thinking he can ride on my coat tails for his living costs and/or visa, it's done.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

I think the issue is less him asking and more him demanding, and also that this is the second time when you already said you were uncomfortable the first time.

[MaryWestmacott]

See, this happens alot - when a woman has had a 'few bad relationships' her "twat radar" is a bit fucked, so because he's "not as bad" as your ex's, you accept behaviour that other woman (who have experienced good relationships) wouldn't put up with. From an outsider's point of view, I'd have dumped his arse when he argued about me getting upset at 2 months into a relationship him asking for money.

Rainbow - just because this man isn't as bad as the others, doesn't mean he's good. Why waste your time? He's shown you he hasn't bothered to take on board and change his attitude towards your money, he's feeding you bullshit to get money off you - why waste any more time?

You met him online dating, there's a load of other men on there who will also be good in bed and give great massages and not try to get you to fund their lifestyles. Go find one of those, don't invest any more time and energy into a relationship with a man who's not what you want.

[DeMaz]

OP, I agree with the others. Bin him!

I'm sure he's sending money back home to his family! I haven't read everyone's posts but do his family know about you?
Could he have a secret life back home?

He's doing something with his money and he doesn't want you to know about it!

[hellsbellsmelons]

What MaryWest said.
Basically...

RUN FOR THE HILLS!
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If you've had a few bad relationships or even a series of bad relationships it would follow that your relationship radar is well skewed. It then follows that you would put up with crap and bad behaviour that others would not find at all acceptable.

I would point you in the direction of the "Baggage Reclaim" site on relationships (google it). You need to get your radar reset because your ex also asked you for cash too; are you fundamentally picking the same type of opportunist each and every time?. This is becoming a habit.

We get the relationship we are willing to put up with. Do not put up with so little in future.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No trust = no relationship. This is already over if you do not trust him.

[bibliomania]

Tell him you've had to pay this massive deposit, and ask him for money. Whether he says yes or no (because he might think it's worthwhile to speculate or accumulate), in 2 months ask him for more. Don't take no for an answer. He's the one who wanted joint finances, didn't he?

Or else decide life it soo short for games and dump him now. Be glad that you paid attention to your own unease and you got out of this situation without financial loss.

[ThatWasNice]

I don't get giving people second (or third ) chances when you are in a new relationship. I would dump him immediately. If you don't trust him then what is the point of hoping he will change.

[RainbowB7]

People saying he is sending money back home to his family or secretly doing something with his money... I am sure that's not the case. He doesn't have any money to send or secretly do anything with. He is getting money from his family, not vice versa. During his course he was studying part time and making enough to cover bills but not much extra. He is now struggling as he's not been working over the summer.

His family do know about me and I have no suspicions whatsoever that he has a secret family back home

[GrowlLikeMargeSimpson]

There are people who live life in the moment and let the future take care of itself. They spend without a care when they have money and have great fun, then have nasty, panicky times when the money runs out. This lifestyle actually doesn't work out that badly when both people in the couple think the same way, they share the highs and the lows. They both spend with abandon and they pull together when the money runs out. There are people who plan for the future, they have fun but always keep an eye on finances and sometimes choose to not to buy something or to go on a cheaper holiday. When one of a couple is a spender and the other is a saver/planner the planner of the couple is guaranteed to be miserable. They can't enjoy the spending because they can foresee the misery to come, they can't stop the spender and get accused of being a skinflint if they try, and they still have to deal with all the debts. They can't enjoy the highs and they can't escape the lows.

I'm willing to bet that your boyfriend is a spender, he doesn't budget or plan. He will probably say something like if your situations were reversed that he would be happy to lend you the money, and he firmly believes it. He thinks of himself as generous because he is, when he has the money. The truth is that if your situations were reversed you would not need to borrow money from him because you live within your means, and he would have spent all his monthly salary in the first three weeks and would be stony broke and trying to borrow from you in the last week.

Find someone who has the same approach to life and finances as you, it will be much easier.

[NowLivingAbroad]

I'm from an African country and it is nothing cultural - no African man would dare (have the cojones) to ask his African wife for money. What?! And lose his manhood?! He will ask a White woman though.

Tread carefully - if you wanna stay with him, that's fine but remove finances from the equation and be your White woman self (the stereotype that African men have of White women is that they will ask questions). So the fact that you are asking him details and stuff is good - but even after he gives you those details, do NOT lend (which in his mind translate as give) him the money.

Hold off marriage talks - don't let him move in with you.

No, he maybe didn't seek you out although hum - dating website means nothing. What kind of dating website? Because if it isn't one of those targeted at African/Black dating, who knows? I'm African, proud of being one and married to an African one but many men from Africa can be scary.

So i was saying, maybe he didn't seek you out, but you are a trainee solicitor. You are a woman with money. Tell him to ask his dad for the money. Wasn't it daddy sending him money? Of course he might tell you that he's too old to ask daddy for money and cite some other cultural things.

Tread carefully with this man - were I you, I would dump him. But I'm not you

[cheminotte]

Rainbow - you don't need to give him another chance. Just dump him.

[hamptoncourt]

growl that was a brilliant post and I salute you!

[BeforeAndAfter]

Rainbow you're already giving him excuses, not wanting to dump him without seeing him, citing the complete bollocks of an excuse of 'cultural differences'. By the time you next meet he will have created a whole storyline that will seem quite plausible to someone like you who is so keen to give him umpteen chances.

I can't help thinking that you need to focus on your self-esteem and self-worth when in relationship more than anything else. You've been seeing him for 12 weeks - this is nothing. Have you been inseparable during that time? I suspect that with his studies and your long hours you probably haven't even spent a huge amount of time together.

You're turning out to be the perfect woman - good financial prospects and willing to turn a blind eye to the tosh he's coming out with. When he sees you he will worm his way back in to your good books. He might keep his nose clean for a while but then in six months' time if he asks to borrow money again he will convince you that you've been together for nearly a year, you're clearly a committed couple with a long-term future so your finances should be shared. You will wake up to it in the end because, ultimately, you're not daft but don't waste five years of your life on him. You're clearly a romantic and a kind person who wants to believe the best of people and that's exactly what a man like him wants and relies on. Of course he likes you and fancies you too but if you didn't have that trusting quality he probably would have moved on by now. Sorry.

[Frogisatwat]

I hope these posts have helped you to see what all of us can see. Good luck and I second baggage reclaim.

[GrowlLikeMargeSimpson]

Aww, shucks hamptoncourt . I know a few of the high-living types through H's work. I remember being astounded by one guy who earned £500 A DAY (not a typo) in 1999. He had plenty of flash watches and gadgets, loads of nights out, his DW had an extensive wardrobe and at least a few months every year they would be short on their mortgage payment and need a loan.

[Pickledradish]

He's a Chancer - I've learnt the hard way that when some people ask to borrow money, what they mean is "will you give me money to piss up the wall without ever expecting it back"

Ask yourself this, if you do lend him this money, is he going to keep asking for more, in larger amounts, or will he pay it back gracefully? Is this the price you'll pay for having him as a boyfriend?

You've only known him for 3 months, don't let him bleed you dry like a leech.

If he upset you the first time he hit on you for cash, imagine how it's going to feel if he keeps on doing it.

[RainbowB7]

I've already said so many times on here that I'm not going to give him the money. There is no way he will be able to "bleed me like a leech" as I'm not going to give him any money. If he doesn't like that, tough.

[RainbowB7]

Also it's not that he is somehow a big spender and pissing his money up the wall. He just doesn't have much money at all. I think people are inventing some other image of him here which bears no resemblance to reality.

As I have said, I don't think it's my responsibility to fund him and I feel annoyed that he has asked me for money. However I do completely believe he is struggling financially while he is a student and he's really not trying to borrow money to somehow live the high life.

[RainbowB7]

In response to a question above we met on a normal dating site. One of the well known ones.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

"However I do completely believe he is struggling financially while he is a student and he's really not trying to borrow money to somehow live the high life."

I think you're probably right.

[MaryWestmacott]

Well, he might not be a big spender in comparassion to how you would spend, but if he is doing stuff like going back to his home country without a thought about how he'll pay his rent other than "it'll sort itself out" or trying to lie to you to get you to pay, then he's got that mentality of 'spend it while you've got it' or 'just not think about the future and financially plan'.

He can't afford to have gone back to his home country, not work in the UK, but he's gone anyway. a "planner" would have stayed in the UK - possibly seen if they could get some money back from the flight or transfer to later in the year - tried to pick up some additional hours at other seasonal work and build up a bit of a 'buffer zone' of money. A "spender" would do what he's done, just go anyway because they want to and get the instant gratification, worry about it later.

If you become more involved with him, live with him, you can say "we have to split the bills 50:50" and of course he'll agree, and he'll fully intend to do that, but then he'll spend his money on something else and you'll just have to pick up the tab or risk losing your home/losing your good credit history.

It would be far too stressful living with someone like this for me. I'm a planner. Mid-20s, if you know you could never live with this man or have a future with him, why bother wasting your time?

[Pickledradish]

Sorry Rainbow, I'm projecting my past experience with two former chancers.

There is nothing wrong with helping out friends who are struggling, but one doesn't want to be a mug.

He isn't hiding the fact that he expects you to be the "bank of rainbow", which is disconcerting after only 3 months.