Money issue in a new relationship

[RainbowB7]

I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...

I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.

I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.

The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.

The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.

Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.

Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?

Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.

[lasslancashire]

By the time me and DP had been together for 4 months, I was over 2k in debt to him.

Caused by myriad factors including me falling pregnant, having serious complications during surgery and required bed rest for a month - which lead to being forced to quit my job. Oh and at the same time my whole house share got evicted with a months notice because my dodgy LL was up to illegal no goods. This all happened in the space of two months. DP took me in paid for all expenses until I found a job, gave me the money for a deposit for a new room etc, eventually he asked me to move in with him in our own place so the deposit went on that. Then after another month I lost the new job I had got, DP paid the rent and bills on his own for another month.

Now we are perfectly happy in our life together, I have paid him back, we 50/50 the rent and I love nothing more than treating him to dinner out of a playstation game or whatever. It isn't always as black and white as 'if they want money from you at 3 months, leave.'

However if DP ever said no to lending me money I would have said ok - it's not his job to fund me - not argue.

I lost my job and physically could not work, your boyfriend is just bad at managing his money - thats his problem, he's a grown up, deal with it.

[ConferencePear]

Who did he borrow from before you came along ?

[UncrushedParsley]

Regardless of what you would decide was a fair financial arrangement in a long term relationship (and some people DO decide 50/50 splits are fair, despite a difference in income) this is not the case here. Far too early for all that.

Also, despite your very clearly being upset and angry about the first request, he is doing it again one month down the line. Very clearly not respecting a boundary you have laid down. Don't assume if you say it in the right way he will 'get' it. He gets your point, he has chosen to ignore it, sorry.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

Whether or not there are cultural difference re. money I think it's important he respects your feelings. Reacting defensively or angrily at this early stage in a relationship is a red flag

[pictish]

Ehric I hear what you're saying about the cultural attitude to finances...but would he really expect to be supported two months in?

That's a brand new relationship...and a big ask, no?

[pictish]

"also there is an assumption that in families, the most well off helps the less well off"

She's not family, and he has no business putting his hand out.

[MaryWestmacott]

so you told him you were upset about him asking for money, he understood you were upset by him asking for money (even if he was bemused by that reaction) yet a month later he did the same thing.

So you can decide all you like about what a fair split would be, but he obviously sees your money as something he should have access to.

This is who he is, it's early enough at 3 months to move on. You've had a go at this relationship, there's a critical difference, to attitude to money - that you can't just get over and he's making no effort to see your point of view, so that won't improve.

Different attitudes to money is one of those issues that only gets worse not better. Just walk.

[LoisPuddingLane]

He's a scrounger, basically. Or, as mumsnet so beautifully puts it, a cocklodger. A scrounging cocklodger. If a guy asked me for money (and I note the second request wasn't even a request, but "I need you to lend me..."), he'd be out on his ear. How fucking dare he?

[MaryWestmacott]

BTW - your mid-20s, a trainee solicitor, no DCs? no ties? no baggage? Love, you are a catch - what are you doing settling ? Any problems 3 months in, show him the door, go find the next one.

[HalfEatenPizza]

EhricLovesTheBhrothers, you are not totally wrong in saying that it is expected of Africans to help other family members if they are less well off, but you are totally wrong in extending this to the wife. The husband is supposed to support his wife, no questions asked, and she can choose whether she wants to work or not and she is entitled to keep all her income for herself. Because it is the husband's duty to support her.

Not vice versa!

So, there you go - your African is lying to you too!

[RainbowB7]

Lois the friend who needed 65k in her account isn't a student anymore but she is now marrying a British guy, who is a student, and apparently the British partner needs a min income to bring in a foreign spouse. I think that is about £16k pa. If you don't have the income then they allow you to show it in a lump sum apparently. Luckily for them they've borrowed the money from a family member for this.

Ehric, my bf is not the one with all the business ventures, that was ex. I've no reason to believe my bf wouldn't have decent career prospects when he finishes his course. I would be happy to help him find suitable jobs to apply for, go over applications with him and help him as much as I can to get him into a position where he can earn good money. Though I'm not sure how helpful I can realistically be as his field is different to mine! He is hard working and motivated when it comes to academics so as I said before it's not as if he is a loser.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Pictish - I never said they were family or that she should support him. He's out of order.

Half eaten - I know that traditionally, men support families and don't take money from wives. However, in these modern times, plenty of men are more than happy to do so. Nobody has lied to me, I'm talking about what I have experienced and seen first hand many times over. It's also not just about African/European, my SIL works and supports her DH (same nationality) despite him being working age and able.

[BeforeAndAfter]

I wonder if you're being more tolerant than you normally would be because he's from another country so you're searching for 'cultural differences' to justify his behaviour. If he was born and bred in the UK would you be so accepting?

What this seems to boil down to is a difference in values. if you were free and loose with money and didn't save you'd probably be comfortable with bailing him out and you may well think he'd do the same for you in return. You clearly have your head screwed on with money and I think you'd be more comfortable with a partner with a similar approach. It strikes me that it's about core values at the end of the day.

[HalfEatenPizza]

What I am saying is, that the cultural differences make it even more weird for him to ask for money. The cultural differences are not an excuse here, but an eye opener.

[RainbowB7]

Sorry lots of x post as I didn't see this had gone onto another page! Thanks all for your comments. It's giving me a lot to think about.

[LoisPuddingLane]

it's not as if he is a loser

No, but he is a man who thinks nothing of asking for large handouts when you've been going out only a couple of months. That may not scream "loser" to you but it screams "fucking run for the hills" to me.

[JackieBrambles]

So he first asked for money two months in?! Two months?

You are putting money in an Isa and he's asking his gf of two months to give him money. Either way you are on different financial planets right now.

I agree with a pp, you are a catch and a half and he's taking the piss.

[JackieBrambles]

For what it's worth my DH and I share money. We met online too and have vastly different incomes - pre mat leave I earned slightly less than half what he did. I earn even less now (part timer).

I would have never dreamed about asking him for cash when we were just starting out. We didn't share cash until we'd moved in together (over a year!).

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's not at all difficult to be fun and affectionate and jolly good company for three months' worth of dates. I could probably even manage that myself, grumpy old cow that I am. Once they've got their feet under the table, though, there is no need to work so hard at being charming.

[bloodyteenagers]

He sees you as a meal ticket. A way to have it all.
He still has over a year left on a student visa.
He Already sees you as a 'unit'. He talks About the future. The wedding. The children you will both have. He thinks that you should help him out now. He thinks you should help him out
In the future.
In around 18 months
Time the conversation will involve arranging your wedding. He wants You to help him. This is what you should do. You have already experienced his attitude of saying no to money. Imagine the emotional blackmail of saying no to a wedding. He needs it for the visa. You were going to get married. Been talking about it for over a year. How could you let him think you wanted to marry him.

He might be genuine. He might be playing
You for a spousal visa. Or if that one doesnt work a parent visa ( careful with your contraception)

As a pp pointed out. Decent African men look after their females. Don't expect them to provide for them. Worship the ground they walk on. The none decent are the scam artists. The ones looking for the 'Shirley Valentine' but of course all this goes on in all cultures.

[RainbowB7]

Ok now I am pissed off. I am talking to him and asking about what's actually happened which has caused him not to be able to pay his rent. He claims money has randomly disappeared from his bank. What a load of bollocks Don't buy that for a minute and I think its an insult to think I would believe such a blatantly tall tale.

[LoisPuddingLane]

If money randomly disappears from your bank, you call the bank. That is what people usually do. You don't tap friends/girlfriends for a handout.

It's randomly disappeared because he's spent it.

Get pissed off. Get REALLY pissed off and see this guy for what he is. A decent man would not ask you for money.

[pictish]

Randomly disappeared my backside.
He spent it and expected you to top him up...3 months in!

[pictish]

Italics fail...but you know what I mean.

[bloodyteenagers]

Haha. I would wind him up. Ask him very innocently, like i have a crap, what the police and bank where doing. Does he want me to go round his
Place, pick up mail and his card listen
To him squirm.