Money issue in a new relationship

[RainbowB7]

I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...

I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.

I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.

The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.

The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.

Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.

Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?

Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.

[pictish]

Yy to that. Have your sport, as he is with you.

[RainbowB7]

I asked him what has the bank said and he said he can't do anything from where he is. I am kind of grilling him about his financial plans for the next year without actually offering anything... Apparently the last month rent fail was because a friend was going to sublet but then let him down. Not sure I buy that either as he didn't mention it at the time but slightly more plausible than disappearing money!

[pictish]

So...he wants to marry you and have children, and thinks you ought to be a unit when it comes to your (the operative word being 'your') finances...but he sees no need to mention something as important his living arrangements, as in who lives there and how he pays the rent?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Thin, very thin. Almost threadbare. Can't sort out the bank problem from overseas? Don't banks have telephones these days?!

Dear Rainbow, this man appears to have mistaken you for an idiot.

[pictish]

And yes...of course he can sort it out where he is. That's his bank account - and they have phones, email and every other type of communication required to deal with money 'randomly disappearing' from his account.

He spent it thinking you could make up the shortfall. Sweet!

[LoisPuddingLane]

I still have a bank account in the UK. On very rare occasions I have to phone them - it's expensive but it's possible. Can he make any more excuses? ooh probably.

[RainbowB7]

His travel dates also keep mysteriously changing too. I'm just getting sick of it.

[LoisPuddingLane]

BIN HIM.

[LisaMed]

I've had colds that lasted longer than three months.

[mindyourown1]

I would expect he will distance himself from you and the relationship now - he will realise you have him rumbled. Lucky escape I reckon.

[Limer]

You've dodged a bullet there RainbowB7.

Move on.

[pictish]

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit.

Let's bring it down to brass tacks here.
You were together a mere two months when he first tried his luck.
You don't live together.
You are earning, he is not.

Who in their right and decent mind, expects someone to gaily agree to those terms under those circumstances? There is clearly nothing in it for you! The benifit would be ALL his. And he thinks that's ok, to the point where he feels victimised by your refusal?

Something stinks here...and I'm pretty sure it's his bullshit.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Dump.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Given the length of your relationship and his previous request (and, y'know, normal behaviour) - if his excuses are true, wouldn't he have said,"I hate to ask, but my bank has stuffed up somehow, I'm trying to sort it and I'll pay you back as soon as I have..." Etc etc?

[antimatter]

You've been together for around 90-100 days. He is already showing that he can make up explanations.
He is probably living above his means and is falling into a deep hole, trying to pull you in.
If you have patience - wait for other unbelievable stories to emerge

[FoxyHarlow123]

Don't ask him anything else about his finances. It's really none of your business. At 3 months in, you're basically still casually dating. Your respective finances are simply none of each others business. Anyone who even raises it is crossing a line. Just walk away now. No fuss, no drama, no navel gazing.

[TweedleDi]

Walk away. Don't look back.

[Ragwort]

Just read that you are a lawyer and you are falling for all this .

Honestly, sorry to sound cliched but my DH works in Africa a lot and the 'culture' about money is very, very different to ours (not all Africans I am sure) - he is constantly being asked for 'loans' by seemingly nice people and any business debts etc are notoriously difficult/impossible to sort out.

My DH has loaned money to a couple of his contacts as he felt desperately sorry for them but we know we won't get the money back.

Yes, I know I will probably get flamed for these comments.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Tbf, ragwort, she hasn't lent the money and isn't falling for anything!

[Notmadeofrib]

Rainbow, pot of gold... I'm assuming you did this on purpose?

He is a fraud, but you've not invested too much time. Brush yourself off and run like hell

[Saltedcaramel2014]

You never know what is round the corner - a gorgeous man who will treat you well may be right there waiting - but you'll only meet him if you step away from this relationship and know you deserve much better

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Wake up, smell that coffee, bin this loser and have nothing to do with him.

Or ANY man who asks/expects to borrow money from you unless you've been living together for a good while and genuinely know the state of each other's finances.

[Back2Two]

Money differences such as these can only develop into resentment, distrust and problems for you both if you did remain as a couple. Money problems kill relationships in a miserable death.

Early stages of a relationship are for fun and not for financial arguments.

[pictish]

I agree with Foxy - that you are so into one another's finances after only three months, is improper. He should not be asking you for hand outs (ok loans, but you know fine he won't pay it back) and you should not be quizzing him about his prospects.
At this stage it should be dates and great sex only. Fun, carefree and enjoyable.

He has pushed this along way too fast because he hopes to syphon off your hard work and subsequent success, even though he had nothing to do with any of it. He sees you as a source of income already...which is completely inappropriate. No wonder he thinks you ought to see yourselves as one unit - he has nothing to bring to the table, and he means to dine out on you.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, I think you've been blinded by lust.

You are a huge catch. You sound as though in every other area, you are sorted. However, you really HAVE to look at why you are letting these men into your life.

Can you imagine a young woman in your position coming into your office to ask you for legal advice? Can you think what you'd say to her?

Instead of thinking it's so romantic that a man talks about marriage when he hardly knows you, think instead with your head and consider why he's talking like that. I'm sure he really likes you; that's what makes this easy for him.