Money issue in a new relationship

[RainbowB7]

I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...

I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.

I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.

The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.

The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.

Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.

Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?

Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.

[BeforeAndAfter]

"He is the one who raised it [marriage and babies] rather than me".

Hmmm - combined with the expectation you'd lend him money (due to the manner of his request) this smacks of him reeling you in, saying the things he thinks you want to hear.

I know this is not what you want to hear - sorry.

[pictish]

And you are quite right to, because it is a warning flag...and you know it.

[SolomanDaisy]

Interesting that he has raised marriage when he doesn't have residency. That together with the asking for money after three months does raise a few questions, doesn't it? Is his career choice one that is likely to lead to a sponsored visa?

[pictish]

Can I ask...how did he respond to the no?

[Squeegle]

I agree; take it as a warning and keep your eyes wide open. 3 months into a relationship , it's all rosy! But you don't start mixing finances until MUCH further down the line. It's like an adaptation of the old saying: lend in haste, regret at leisure. If it's going to work out, there will be plenty if time to meld your finances. For now THERE IS NO NEED.

[RainbowB7]

Solomon, the intended career is one where it should be possible to get a sponsored visa. However I know how hard it is to get sponsored as I have friends from other countries who were at law school with me and struggled to get visa sponsorship.

Pictish, I haven't had chance to give him a straight no on the current "request" yet as I just asked him for more clarification as he has not yet been back on whatsapp. He's still abroad at the moment. I think if he gets sulky or in any way arsey or angry with me about the no, that will be it. His reaction last time was outrageous. I think it actually was about a month ago for his previous months rent now I think about it! I assume he must have paid it without my money in the end...

[Guiltypleasures001]

Oh for crying out loud he wants you for a visa and a meal ticket would be even better if you got pregnant, he doesn't love you he loves what you might be able to get you.

You are in danger of fucking your life up royally for not seeing this for what it is, i wouldn't be surprised if he has a wife and kids back home already and is sending money back home.

I'm assuming you do read the papers cause these chancers appear quite regularly, normally I went on holiday and he was the handsome waiter blah blah, now I'm up the duff and he's shagging around and knocking me about, has spent all my money etc.
Op wake up and smell the coffee, he doesn't see you as special he probably doesn't even respect you especially if you aren't of his religion or culture, your a mark he is trying to con, when you don't give in he will move on to another Schmuck.

[pictish]

His reaction last time was outrageous.
Tell me more...

[Lioninthesun]

Having been in several relationships where money has been an issue I'd advise this is a huge red flag. That feeling in the pit of your stomach niggling in your head is telling you what you need to know. Personally I'd run for the hills while you aren't too attached, as the more you get emotionally involved the harder it will be to say no. The fact he is trying slightly emotionally abusive tactics to get you to give in already is very worrying and will only get worse as he feels you trust him as the months go on.
Cut your losses is my advice. Purse tightly zipped and any excess cash into a fixed savings account monthly if you can't get away from him just yet. It took me a year and one ex trying to sign me into buying a 60k Audi with him for me to heed my own advice though - I ran too late IMO and he still blames me for the fact he signed up to buying it expecting me to pay without actually asking! The monthly payments were apparently only £100 to start with then slowly crept up to £800 - and he wouldn't show me the paperwork! Be warned!

[RainbowB7]

Guilty, he is Christian so it's not really a different religion as such (though I'm not religious). He is from an African country.

I really don't think he is an out and out chancer and I don't think he is calculatedly trying to con me. I can see that it would be very convenient for him if he did happen to get married and secure his residency but I've no intention of marrying him so he can get a visa! I wouldn't marry unless I was sure - I'm not an idiot!

[RainbowB7]

Pictish, the reaction was just getting very defensive when I said no, saying he doesn't like to ask and I've made him feel awful by reacting like he is a chancer. Basically making out he was the victim when I was upset he had asked me and was thinking wtf is this. He turned it round into me being the bad guy and didn't think I had any reason to be upset by the request. I made it clear I actually was upset. And if he doesn't like to ask that's news to me as he seems to have no qualms about trying to again!

[LoisPuddingLane]

Before I left the UK a couple of years ago, I advised students on getting and extending their visas. If anything, the situation has become tougher since I left, particularly since the Tier 1 Post Study Work visa was discontinued.

When overseas students apply for a visa for the UK, or to extend their visa in the UK, they have to show they have a very specific amount of money. It probably hasn't changed. So where has that money gone? And if he is going to be studying a further course, how is he going to show the money that is needed to extend his visa for that? I'm talking several thousands, in addition to fees.

As for getting work afterwards, it has got much harder. Students used to be able to stay on for a couple of years under Tier 1 but not now.

So yes, I think he's seeing you as either financial support for his studies
or a spouse visa. Sorry to be so harsh.

[RainbowB7]

My ex who asked for the £3,000 was also African from a nearby country to my bfs hence my thought that there might be different expectations or norms re money in a relationship. My ex was generous with money so saw it as he expected others to be equally generous when needed (though his generosity was more like buying expensive wines, not giving out thousands!)

[HermioneWeasley]

"Soulmates" have the same attitudes to finance

[Guiltypleasures001]

He isn't a prince is he? And asked you to hold 10million in your bank account

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Look. I married an African man and I know a lot of them through him who live in the UK. I don't know one single man who isn't quite happy to take money from his girlfriend/wife for rent, for cigarettes, for business projects...it's ingrained. It's not calculated cocklodgery and it's not a con as such but it's just a side effect of growing up in a country where money is hard to come by and also there is an assumption that in families, the most well off helps the less well off.

I realise I'm generalising here and I realise that not everyone from Africa grew up without a steady/decent income (obviously) but there is a cultural difference at play here that you may not be familiar with. In any case, you still need to raise your standards. I'm shocked that after his 'outrageous' response last time you have even given him the opportunity to ask again.

Ok no I'm not, when I was mid 20s I was doing the same thing with my XH!

[RainbowB7]

Lois, I think he has 6 months from graduating to get a job. A friend who is also foreign said that was the same for her (and she had to leave as she didn't get sponsored in time). Good point though about needing to show money in a bank account for the visa. I will ask him about this and try to ion him down on some details about it. I know another friend had to show £65,000 in her account (which is ridiculous IMO but that's by the by)

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Aha x post. So you are familiar with the cultural differences.

[mindyourown1]

blimey - trust your gut instinct. He was asking you to give and not loan.

This isn't just a red flag, it is a whole flipping bunting of them. Run like the flaming wind.

A con man doesn't try and con you all the time - of course he will be nice, if he isn't nice then why would you fall for the con.......

[RainbowB7]

Ehric your last post hits the nail on the head about the impression I'm getting from him - not a con but just a general assumption that I ought to be helping as I am more well off.

[pictish]

OP going by your 21.16 post there, about his reaction to the first no, you already know don't you? He is a very manipulative man, as you have quickly grasped.
There is nothing wrong with your instinct anyway. You've got the smarts and the esteem to see you through.
Good on you x

[LoisPuddingLane]

If he's on a Tier 4 visa, which he almost certainly is, he will probably have four months extra on the end of his visa which will expire in about October. That is normal. This four months is not "to get a job". Essentially it's to tie up loose ends before leaving the country.

However, he can apply for a Tier 2 visa in that period if he finds an employer to sponsor him.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I know another friend had to show £65,000 in her account

That is exceedingly high. Either she was exaggerating, or the fees where she studies were very, very high. The maintenance amount is the same for everyone, so it must have been fees.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Take it from me - unless he has a huge upswing in fortunes you will end up pouring money into him and his projects and never see a return. Love, sex and massages are free (I've had loads of those) but they don't make up for dozens of car insurance payments, phone bills, bus tickets etc etc I've paid for because he couldn't.
Luckily the bulk of my money that he's had went into property in his country which although isn't mine legally will go to our son so I'm not bothered about that. If his bright idea had been some other type of venture I'd be totally out of pocket.

[Branleuse]

hes emotionally manipulating you