Money issue in a new relationship

[RainbowB7]

I would like to get some outside opinions on an issue which is causing some tension...

I have been seeing someone new for a few months and really like him, we feel we are well suited and we already both want the relationship to be serious, are on the same page with what we want in life, but I have some concerns about money.

I have a professional job and am fairly comfortable financially although I am quite junior in my career and far from loaded. I am trying to be quite careful with my money to save up to buy a flat. My bf is still studying and works in part time jobs to cover his costs. He is from another country and was apparently also getting money from his parents.

The issue is he now he has asked me a couple of times to give or lend him money and I feel uncomfortable with it.

The first time he did this I felt very very angry about it. Not sure why I reacted so badly to it but I felt a bit used or like he might be taking me for a mug. I said no and basically told him I was upset that he asked but he didn't see my point of view at all. I told a couple of friends and they agreed with me that they would be shocked if a new boyfriend started asking for money. I wondered if it is maybe a cultural difference as it might be more normal to ask for money in the country he is from...

His reasoning was we should want to help each other and should see ourselves as one unit. He is kind and caring and does go out if his way to help me for example he bought me some sports kit I needed, gives me massages, has cooked me nice meals etc... (I also do similar for him so that isn't one sided). However I think it's far too early to be a financial unit, when I am the only one who is actually bringing any money in and I just feel that I don't want to support him financially. I strongly feel that I want us to contribute equally, however am I being unfair and unrealistic as we don't earn equally? He will be training for a good career over the next year so does have decent prospects and hopefully we would eventually both be on good salaries.

Other than this one thing, I don't have any worries about the relationship and I see a future together so I don't know if I'm being silly, as if we eventually get married our money will merge anyway.

Hypothetically if I was on maternity leave or something and earning much less for a while, I would want my partner to want to support me, so should I see this next year where he is studying his professional exams as something similar where he needs short term support?

Is it me or him in the wrong? Am I being unfair by being suspicious? I have been badly hurt in the past and I think I am finding it hard to let my guard down. I don't want to lose him by being too defensive and wary but also don't want to be taken for a fool.

[kentishgirl]

Well done, OP. It was his feeling of entitlement to your money that was the problem. It doesn't matter why he felt that entitlement.

OH and I are both self employed and both been pretty hard up since we met. We have shared money right from the start to some extent, to help each other out when we needed it, but I'm talking the odd £10 or £20, not several hundred pounds! And at first we felt awkward and embarrassed asking for the small amounts, and gratitude for what we could do, not entitled or demanding about it.

[FoxyHarlow123]

If you're still about OP, read this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2141410-Just-found-out-DP-has-cheated

[lavenderhoney]

I've just read all all this, I was quite surprised he went straight for cash though, and didn't try to accompany you shopping and get some new gear and work up to cash handouts.

And delete him off your FB. He has access to all your friends, your photos, your activities, you - and he's not your friend. He's your ex from a very short lived relationship and there is no need for him to be given such free access forever to your life.

[grandmainmypocket]

OP my friend was round today. She told me that her new husband used to ask her parents for money behind her back. He also used to ask her.

She didn't want to believe the signs from the beginning but they were there. Now they are separated. I hope things work out for you.

[Mostlyjustaluker]

It sounds like you have made the right decision in dumping him.

To stop him screwing with your head cut off all contact delete him from social media and his phone number.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP it's such a disappointment when a man who looked genuine turns out to be a twunt!

Having read the whole thread though, I am SO glad you dumped him.

The thing that rang alarm bells with me wasn't JUST the money (although that was a big klaxon going off!) it was his reactionwhen you refused.

"he is actually a lovely guy, just wish he would listen and respect my opinion"

That

That made me so nervous on your behalf.

I'll also wager somethng else...you're notthe only woman he' asking. And that he's back on that dating site faster than a robber's dog looking for his next bank roller

[bibliomania]

He is pissed off that I told a couple of my friends about him asking for money and he says now they will think badly of him - so obviously on some level he does see it looks bad to ask for hand outs!

I'm with you on this - beware the person who wrongs you and then portrays themselves as the wronged party because you "told" on them!

[Iflyaway]

The money "disappearing" from his account was probably used to buy gifts for the family. It,s "not done" returning home to Africa empty handed.

I was married to an African, he never asked me for money, even now divorced I,ve never had requests for money from the family. (we have a son together).

[BeforeAndAfter]

You'll forever hear "oh you're such a lawyer" - no matter who your partner is!

To be fair you are probably being quite lawyerly right now - your training encourages you to weigh up both sides of an argument hence you're giving him more house room than many of us would at this point!

[RainbowB7]

He was talking to me on FB this evening and did apologise a lot but I still get the feeling he doesn't quite understand why I'm angry so his apology isn't really making up for it. He is pissed off that I told a couple of my friends about him asking for money and he says now they will think badly of him - so obviously on some level he does see it looks bad to ask for hand outs!

He want to make it work but I feel like I have lost too much trust in him and I just don't want someone who makes me feel this shit, especially so early on.

He is also doing the annoying thing my ex always did of saying "oh you're such a lawyer" in an argument if he thinks I'm somehow being stubborn, argumentative or cold... Such bollocks as I'm transactional not a litigator and I don't even argue at work!

[flatbellyfella]

You have done the right thing by ending this mans attempt to sponge off of your finances. He will probably do the same to the next woman he dates. My own daughter had a boyfriend like him, he worked but always scrounging money from her, she eventually dumped him, but he never repaid the hundreds of pounds she couldn't really afford to loose . Best wishes to you.

[pictish]

Did he think he could worm his way in and slowly sponge larger and larger amounts? Or am I just cynical?!

If you are, then so am I. I wondered the same.

[pictish]

I can't help but feel that if his feelings for you were genuinely based in prospects for the future (and remember, this is the guy talking marriage and kids) he'd be falling over himself to put things right and disspell your impressions of him as a grasper.

As it is, he has realised you're not going to play the game, and give up the cash, so he will have you down as waste of time and a heartless cow.

Like you said - he plays the victim.

I'm not surprised you're fumung...i would be too, but you know as well as I do, he's not worth the energy of your fury.

Fwiw OP...I'm really sorry he turned out to be so crap. You poor woman. You deserved a lot better than you got. xx

[RedRoom]

The fact that he's let the relationship go so easily when you've made it clear that your unhappiness is solely about his attitude to your money makes me think he had an ulterior motive. Did he think he could worm his way in and slowly sponge larger and larger amounts? Or am I just cynical?!

Most of us would be utterly embarrassed to ask a partner of three months for hundreds of pounds but his sense of entitlement to your money was outrageous.

[BeforeAndAfter]

Hi Rainbow

I do think you had emotionally invested a lot in this man. After the anger expect the sadness. If he reappears when you're feeling sad that's when you'll be most vulnerable because you'll be remembering the good times very strongly. Hold on to the memory of these feelings of anger. I fear you may need them in a couple of weeks' time.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Lucky escape! Remember you think he lied about money going missing from his account - and I think you were quite right to disbelieve him.
Why would you want a boyfriend that spends what little cash he does have, says it's been nicked and then expects it from you?!
Horrible!

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Well done on dumping him.
Imho, his silence is all you can expect at this point; he is in need of a new target and must spend his energy with that...comprehensive justification for your decision.

It does hurt that his feelings were, apparently, not sincere.


Ever try kickboxing?

[ThatWasNice]

Don't waste energy feeling 'furious' . Can you arrange to do something with your friends instead, or go the the gym or do some 'power' housework.... anything other than thinking about this guy. I do know it's easier said than done.

[mipmop]

However lovely / funny / etc he can be, to show this attitude during such early stages of dating is something you can't ignore. His viewpoint is warped, he'd happily manipulate you into changing your earlier position on not lending money, so seeking his agreement or contrition is futile.

Good luck going forward. It sound like the baggage reclaim stuff might be eye opening. Particularly as it seems likely he'll be back in touch once he thinks you've realised what you've lost and are ready to open your cheque book.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

Hi Rainbow - just remind yourself, who cares what this grasping cocklodger thinks of you? His issues around what he thinks you "owe" him are entirely his problems to bear, not yours x

[RainbowB7]

I still just feel furious.

He hasn't even replied to try and apologise or salvage it (too late anyway but would like to think he wanted to try!)

Pretty sure he will be feeling self righteous and angry himself about how heartless and selfish I am, and wouldn't even help with a few pounds when he's in trouble

[bibliomania]

Wise move. I think you've saved yourself a lot of angst down the line.

[Heels99]

Just read whole thread. You've done well to listen to the advice on here. You ARE a catch, educated, good job, own flat, financially stable. Many people don't have all that through their whole lives. Your last relationships have involved you being tapped up for money. Are there dating sites for young professionals eg lawyers, doctors, accountants etc where you are less likely to be asked for money by a partner? Is there a young solicitors group you could join and meet a young professional guy? Be careful, choose your next date as someone financially solvent not still a student, supported by parents etc. you have had a lucky escape here. Well done op.

[mindyourown1]

Well done - right decision. I hope you are ok x

[mrsbrownsgirls]

well done!