DRY 5

[allhailqueenmab]

Starting this before the old one gets filled up!
this is the thread for the alcohol free.
Join us!

My first posts on the original threads:

Just sitting here today in that hideous post binge from hell depression. Can go weeks, months without then royally mess it up. Can't do 'moderate' either, this self loathing is awful. I am here.....The 'occasional' drink is the bloody touchpaper though. It doesn't exist in people like us. That is what I have to remember. I remember it for a while and then, feeling well and healthy after a time of sobriety, completely forget and here I am again sad It's just horrible. Bloody awful. I may be posting a lot - I hope that's ok. I have to get through the next few days at the very least..... just getting into bed muttering to myself 'day bloody 1 again...here we go'. Will take each day as it comes..'

Then this: 'I am going to be honest here and say I am still completely unsure if I can do it. I so so so so want to. I know I can but I need help to get rid of that stupid little voice in my head, that says 'gawannnn, you deserve a few, it's not like you were when you were younger is it~? You're not drinking first thing like you used to! You run, you don't smoke, so what if you have too much tonight - start again next week'. That bloody person in my head always always gets me - after 8 months, 2 months, a week. I need help to make that stop.'

It doesn't seem possible that was me a year ago. It doesn't seem possible that I have come so far.

I feel that I am now who I should have been all along. Not that shivering crying wreck, who admitted she didn't know if she could do it.

I really don't know HOW I have done it to be honest. It really was 'one day at a time', and as each day became weeks, and then months, I became stronger and fitter and happier and able to dal with life. It has been really difficult. I have had to face things without anaesthetic and that isn't easy.

Today was lovely. We went to a pub I used to drink in as a teenager - when it all started, in the village I grew up in. So odd, but really cathartic. Oddly, I didn't consciously choose that pub but maybe my soul did (oh blimey get me!) Anyway, I am happy, I am still human and things still hurt and get me down and life is still hard but I can honestly say that this is one of the proudest days of my life. x

Wow Biggles, that sums up so many of the thoughts I've had. Amazing that you're here now having successfully done your first year! Can I ask, has that voice gone completely now? Do you accept that you'll never drink again or does the demon still whisper at times? Would like to know what I've got in store!
Your day sounds lovely - and contrasting the pride of today with the shame of a year ago really drives home the point of staying sober!

I still get that thought 'go on have one....just one..' sometimes and I still feel resentful at those times, I can't lie but I just can't do it, I couldn't have just one for a start and I would just be so angry and down if I did.

Wow Biggles - what you said really struck a cord with me - I am definately still at the one day at a time phase - struggling the past few nights but hanging on in there (just). Hoping that as each day passes I will get stronger and the voice quieter - :(

Thank you Biggles and happy that it was such a great day for you. The self-pride is the biggest gift. Sometimes we have to come full circle to exercise the ghost :)

Hi guys - and the most massive congratulations Biggies. Well done Lucy too on enjoying your second 'sober' birthday. All these milestones are so worth celebrating.

I just had the most HEAVENLY weekend. Will probably sound like hell to most, but am total dance junkie and did a contemporary dance weekend with amazing teachers etc. Some of the group went out drinking on Saturday night and were (allegedly) really hungover on Sunday. I say allegedly because they all showed up and did class. Had it been me drinking with them there is no way in a million years I would have made it in the next day to hang upside down etc. Would have been hugging the toilet somewhere. Was really lovely to feel fresh and ready for the session. My whole enjoyment of dance and exercise has been transformed since I kicked the bottle; so many times were ruined by feeling like death warmed up.

Just a little expression of gratitude as I approach half term and might need to channel positive thoughts

Sober morning waves to all.

Day 15 here :). - Feeling better today - more positive - onwards and upwards. All these positive stories - like yours Also make me feel more positive :)

Your early thoughts really speak to me Biggles as I start this journey again. Thank you.

That sounds like an amazing weekend also

Persusing the internet last night and came across one of those checklists that are meant to check if you're an alcoholic of not. Was reading through thinking nah I rarely get the shakes, never had an eye-opener unless it was a party three day session for fun, nope, nah. I ignored the few yeses and that voice in my head says told you so, I knew I was fine, I don't have a drinking problem. Then I got to thinking most of those lists focus on the physical dependence side. I'm not dependent. Yet but it's a slippery slope. There's a big difference between normal drinking thinking and alcoholic drinking thinking, which is what I have, a the step ultimately to dependence.

I would never consider buying just one bottle of wine, that's the warm up. I drink until I fall alseep or run out of booze. On the odd occasion I do stop at a glass or before the end of the first bottle I'm insanely proud of myself. My addiction screaming 'see you don't have a problem. You can control it'

I know that the danger for me isn't the first couple of weeks when the guilt and fear are still fresh in my memory. Its the one month, the three months, the year. When the alcoholic voice whispers to me you'll be fine. This time will be different, you've spent that long without it now you can manage it, control it. That voice lies. Every time the lure of those thoughts draw me back in and it may take a while but before I know it I'll be back to guzzling wine by the bucket load.

I can't control it. That thought scares the hell out of me, the powerlessness as I'm a bit of a control freak in every other aspect of my life but there's also peace in it. Time to stop this bloody internal battle I've been fighting within myself and just say fuck you alcohol. I can't keep fighting with you as you and I both know you'll win so it's time for our goodbyes.

Hi all - can I join in?

I started out doing Sober October (so today is day 27), but I think I should really give up for good.

I usually drink a bottle of wine a night in the week, and 1.5-2 bottles on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Physically, I don't suffer from my drinking (hangover-wise), so I also therefore don't really feel any better having given up. For most people, I get the impression that an awful hangover helps with the need to stick to sobriety. I just don't have that impetus because I truly never get hangovers.

At first I found it easy to stay sober, but as the days have gone on I have realised I should probably be giving up for good, and that thought makes me feel miserable. I've become very grumpy (hence the username) and quite resentful that I "have to give up".

I read Jason Vale's book and initially felt that I wanted to give up, but that has gradually changed over the month and I now feel that I have to give up and I am beginning to feel like I really want a drink, which I didn't at first.

Also, I've lost no weight at all. I am several stone overweight - due entirely to booze - but in nearly four weeks I've not even so much as lost a pound.

Please someone tell me it gets better!

Hi and welcome SoberAndGrumpy.

Well done on your 27 days. It seems like a cliché but it really is true 'One day (or hour or whatever) at a time'. Thinking about forever is just too overwhelming. Think about today that's all, just promise yourself I will not drink today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Its hard to lose weight when first stopping drinking. Your body tries to replace all the sugar it had from alcohol through eating and drinking sugary drinks I think. It will find equilibrium and you'll more than likely find as the weeks go on you have more energy to take up or do more exercise.

Hi Sober. Can relate to everything you wrote. No hangovers here either - my husband hadn't even noticed I hadn't had a drunk for 2 weeks (what's that about - he doesn't really drink either). I haven't lost weight (well 1lb). However I truly think that there is benefits - internal benefits that I can't see - Well done on nearly a month - that's fantastic - wow -

Apologies for multiple posts, I'm in that initial first few days again and mulling over a lot of things.

Why do I find it so difficult to say the words that I'm an alcoholic, even writing it down makes me very uncomfortable? Is it that by saying Ive alcoholic thoughts or am a problem drinker it gives me some sort of hope that one day I can use rather than abuse alcohol? That admitting I'm an alcoholic seems so final. There is no get out clause - it's sobriety or bust. That I'm afraid people will look at me as if I have some sort of huge character flaw? That I've been fed the typical images of drinking all day every day is what alcoholics do that when my life is so removed from that its easier to think Im not? I'm thinking of trying an AA meeting this time so I have my answer. I'm an alcoholic and there's no point in skirting round the issue anymore. Last post for a while, promise

I don't think you have to say 'I'm an alcoholic'. I don't actively think of myself as one. I just think that I can't drink normally - whatever normally is. I know it isn't normal to be unable to stop, to alienate everybody, break hearts (and furniture!) and be ill mentally and physically all the time. Maybe think of yourself like that (if you did ever break furniture of course!!).

Yes, the first few months are sort of 'easier' because you can still remember clearly the pain and the way things were, but I guess the other way to look at it is that the further down the road you go, the better you feel and the less likely you will be to want to ruin that feeling? I dunno really, just musing But. You can do it - that's all of you. Seriously! I had so many 'well done' messages yesterday; so many surprised people who had known me as this awful drunk, and feel amazed to see me sober. Cliché but really, if I can do it....

only thing I can think of is the shoe tidy by sitting on it plastered thinking it would hold my weight.

Hmm food for thought. I used to take a lot of recreational drugs back in the day and stopped completely because I knew once I started I had no off switch and the side effects were anxiety and depression. I never once considered myself a drug addict just knew that I couldn't carry on down that road. Much easier to stop something that isn't readily available, legal and socially acceptable not that I ever acted in a socially acceptable way when drunkhowever.

I guess I'm scared of failing and getting far away from my stop date because I did ruin that feeling after 6 months. Its great you have had such supportive people around you. I think that's what I need to do, let a few people in and be accountable rather than trying to do it myself and hiding it.

I also don't like saying I'm an alcoholic. But I do know that I had a dysfunctional relationship with booze, in that I would always drink more quickly than others and therefore get more drunk.

It really helps me to break it down to each separate event where drinking is an option and just think "do I want to drink this evening?", or "If I do drink, what will be the outcome?". I hate the self-loathing in the morning, I hate the loss of a day each week - or more - due to feeling like shit, I hate all the planning that goes into my life just to accommodate the drinking element. I realised towards the end that I was saying no to invitations just because I didn't want to get pissed at them and make a fool of myself. I don't think that's normal - normal people just decide not to drink as much, or not to drink at all on that occasion.

I was also quite 'hemmed in' by circumstance towards the end, in that I'm a single mother with small children, so can't easily nip out to buy more. I would buy a bottle in the afternoon and that would normally be my lot simply because I didn't keep wine in the house and because I was unable to get out to buy more. Again, I think normal people keep wine in the house knowing it's safe - I never did.

Re my weekend - I decided not to go to the dinner in the end. I met a few people from Soberistas during the day, and had been feeling very anxious and stressed about having too many plans that day, as well as knackered because I'd been up since 3am with one of the DC. Was also concerned I might be tempted to drink. So I cancelled it first thing on Saturday morning, and actually felt pretty good about the decision - saying no is something I find quite hard to do...

Blimey Broken - your posts from yesterday could have been me. My feelings. My words. Literally. Almost spooky!! The idea of buying a bottle of wine was a joke (unless I knew there were a few more at home). The pitiful sense of achievement if I stopped with a dribble still in the second or third bottle. All that stuff.

And same with drugs. I saw very quickly that I had no off switch and ultimately stopped doing them/hanging out with that crowd. Well, to be more accurate most of my friends grew up and stopped behaving like idiots…. Anyway - was easier to stop as you say.

I am 2 years and 8 months sober, but it is still a day at a time. For me it is really important to keep deeply unpleasant and vivid memories of my sordid last days of drinking front of mind. When I drive past certain parts of my city I am reminded of horrendous nights, for instance. I hate the memories and they fill me with profound shame, regret and disgust at myself, but equally they keep me sober. They stop that voice from saying 'oh, you are fine now, you can drink like a normal person'. No. I. Can't.

Massive well done Teapot for saying no and making the right choice for you re. the dinner. I am rubbish at saying no too. But you SO did the right thing to put your needs and your sobriety first. I remember we had a work ski trip planned 2 weeks after I got sober and I was so stressed about it as I knew it would be a huge piss up. I thought I 'couldn't' cancel (losing money, everyone wondering why etc). People in AA told me I shouldn't go but I couldn't see a way out. In the end I just said I had an ill relative and couldn't go. It was the most MASSIVE relief. And the next week when I heard about what carnage it had been I was so so so pleased I had made that decision.

And big welcome SoberandGrumpy. I was certainly in the mega-hangover camp so v. different from you, but I think we all know if we can't control our drinking and that makes us all the same. I also put on weight. My advice is try to ignore that - it's a million times better than drinking and will settle down in time. I am now lighter than I was when I first got sober having piled on a stone or so in the first year due to replacement eating.

It is a gorgeous morning where I am and feel v. grateful to be sober and feeling fresh rather than ratty, guilty and hungover. I think gratitude gets one a long way.

Hi all - Flamingo wow two years - I am pleased to have made 2 weeks - I hope I can continue x

Day 16 here :). - hope I have turned a corner from the last few dark, hard days - about to get up and ho on my loooong walk.

I am not replacement eating but still haven't lost weight. However if I remember correctly from last time - it took about 4 weeks until the weight started to come of.

See you all later x

I remember doing 2 weeks and being soooo proud! Well done!

Exactly. Well done! Frankly for me it's key to keep it in the day and remember it's one day at a time. 2 years - ok that's great - but I'm always just a hair's breadth away from a drink and I can't get complacent about it not matter how much time's sobriety I have. To be honest I think the achievement in the early days are the most special as I remember being shocked that I could do ONE day!!!!

Morning all! :) Also thanks for sharing from your spot further along the road. 2 years 8 months is amazing. Any advice for those of us who are moving into year two of the journey?
Welcome from me S&G. Congrats Teapot - putting you first was a wise choice and how was the Soberistas meet? 70 16 days is fab - I too was amazed with each and every day in the beginning that I dodged the siren call from the fridge! Be proud. Glorious day outside - happy to be present :)

:). Thank you all so much - you are all so kind - yes a beautiful day for a walk - I just erred some posts from last time I got sober and I realised this week was the week I started to loose weight - here's hoping x

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I'm feeling a lot less grumpy today. DH told me to look at it like I haven't given up for good and that I can have a drink whenever I want. That makes it so much easier. I don't WANT to drink, and the thought of a strong taste of alcohol after having four weeks off is what mentally puts me off. If I think that I CAN have it if I want it, but actually don't WANT it, then that seems to work for me. The one day at a time mentality that I kind of rejected at first.

Onwards and upwards

Totally get where you are coming from, SoberandGrumpy, but not sure that strategy would be safe for me. Maybe if you said to yourself that you might drink again one day, but not today (even if you suddenly DID want one today). Otherwise the risk is that you will get a craving at some point (most of us do) and allow yourself to act on it. I think assuming that you will never fancy a drink again is dangerous.

Having said that - I feel hugely relieved that I no longer have to battle with it all. No having that debate, shall I shan't I? If I do - can I stop after x number of drinks etc. Just bloody exhausting and - in my case - ultimately fruitless. Just taking the whole thing off the table is the most monumental relief.

Well done for cancelling if you didn't feel up to it teapot.

Thanks for sharing also I find it really reassuring that you have been there and are 2 years odd down the line, which is marvellous. I'll be honest I don't have an off switch for anything I think. Even the likes of cigarettes, coffee, sex or sugar. I get an endorphin buzz from exercise and get grumpy if I cant do it, almost like withdrawal. Childbirth I would do again in a shot for the endorphin high I got for days after, only I couldnt handle the sleepless nights newborn bit ever again. I must have a typical addictive personality.

Congrats on your 16 days 70

Today grand bar a not enough sleep and too much coffee headache, trying to avoid painkillers atm to give my liver a total break so been niggling all day. Little pang when the dc went to dads but nothing I couldn't handle and even managed tesco without whistfully looking at the alcohol aisle. Feels a bit easier this time which I don't know whether to be concerned or relieved about.