Please don't judge me too harshly

[DesperatelyTrying]

I'm very scared posting this
I can't sleep
I'm very confused and worried
I am on antidepressants
I have just started seeing a counsellor (sadly i don't have much faith in the counsellor bein helpful)

That's all relevant information I think.
I'm really very scared.
I feel very alone.
The days are very difficult. I cry a lot fair amount and hide in bed a fair amount.
I am trying to help myself.
I don't feel strong enough.

I've gotten myself emotionally attached to another man.
I am married.
This OM was helping me with some mental health and marital problems.
It's become messy.
We slept together.
He Doesn't want to sleep together again.
I feel being his friend is now inappropriate.
Having used him as a crutch I feel I will be unable to find motivation to live "on my own two feet".
I feel used by him.
Simultaneously I feel I Need him.
He has benefitted my greatly with some psychological tools.
I feel I am attached to him.
I know I need to let him go and make a clean break but I feel scared to make the move.
I don't feel I can survive without him.
I can see what I am saying is ridiculous but I cannot seem to move past feelings of loneliness enough to pull my self together and stop contact.

My husband is here.
I am sexually Unsatisfied with him.
We have some problems with arguing but gave worked through lots and are probably the must stable we gave been in our marriage.

I feel scared and alone.
Please don't say horrible things about me.
I don't know if I can even cope with hearing the truth.
God I'm so scared and confused and lost.
I can't sleep.
I'm so scared.
I'm Not suicidal - I just don't want to live. It's too painful and hard.

See your counsellor or doctor in the morning. Ask for help.

Is there anyone in your life you feel you can talk to?

Things WILL get better. I know you feel in a mess but you can and will sort it out and move on to feel calmer and happier. The first thing to do is to ask for both help and support.

Let's get this straight - is he some kind of professional who was helping you with your marital/mental health problems? If he was then he has been extremely unprofessional in sleeping with you.
Even if he wasn't, he has taken advantage of your vulnerability, which is despicable.

He's no friend to you. Move on from him.

Re. the problems with your DH - either get sex therapy together or leave him and find someone else but don't do this again.

Thank you Happy36. Those words are a comfort even though I don't feel I deserve comfort. I don't think the doctor can do anything more for me. I have a friend I can speak with. She told me not to speak to him. I feel embarrassed to speak about it with her further. She is around probably for me to spend time with her to help pass days. But I feel like I would prefer to hide in bed. I don't want to see people or smile. Everything seems dark. It is perhaps temporary.

He wasn't a professional no Thumbwitch. I don't think he meant to take advantage - he regrets it.
Re DH: breathe Do you think sex therapy would work? I don't want to leave him. The though of sleeping with him is neutral at best - it's just letting him get satisfaction and pretending with him. Having an OM means I have a desire to sleep with my DH because I am turned on thinking of OM.... (As well as sex, I am sure I am getting emotional attention etc that I feel I Need as an insecure and needy person, as well as a confidence boost, a reason to live and bother doing Anything, something nice for myself).

Why don't you want to leave your husband ? You marriage sounds miserable.

I don't know whether or not it would work, but it has to be worth a try if you want to save your marriage.

Let's just suppose your DH found out about your "fling" - would he end the marriage anyway? If so, then you can't continue to take that risk (anyway, that particular OM has no further wish to do so) because you are always at risk of being found out and everything blowing up in your face.

I am sorry you are in a deep dark place and feel that the only nice thing you can do for yourself is to get sexual gratification from another man than your DH, that must be a very difficult place to be.

Are you sure there isn't more you can do in terms of counselling for yourself, to address your "need to be loved"?

Seems a bit of a cliche to me and saying it in a sad and depressed tone doesn't change anything. It's very revealing that the first thing you say about your husband is 'I am sexually Unsatisfied with him'.

Imagine that a bloke posts that he's in a dark place and has just cheated on his wife, only reason he isn't cheating more is because OW cut it off. The first thing he says about his marriage is that his wife doesn't satisfy him sexually.

Let's face it, you fancied someone else, slept with them and have now been dumped by the other party. There, there...

"We have some problems with arguing but gave worked through lots and are probably the must stable we gave been in our marriage. "

You really don't sound as though you're 'working things through' I'm sorry to say. If the marriage is acrimonious, you argue a lot and you're having to pretend when it comes to intimacy then it sounds utterly miserable. Whilst not condoning the affair, if you're starved of affection and struggling with Mental Health problems, you're highly vulnerable.

And I think that's a serious point - vulnerability. I am very concerned that you've been exploited and then rejected by someone allegedly helping you with mental and marital problems. If he wasn't a professional counsellor, who was he? Someone in a position of authority?

Please see your doctor urgently and please talk to the counsellor.

He doesn't want to sleep with you again because he is a bit freaked out by the intensity of your feelings. He knows he's opened Pandora's Box and that you are not being particularly rational at the moment and it's scaring him.

Perhaps ending up in bed together happened accidentally and gradually, or perhaps he is one of those men who enjoyed the game of reeling you in, getting you to a point where you feel emotionally dependent on him, and then dropping you once it was no longer a challenge. In which case he is the worst kind of bastard to take advantage of you while you were obviously feeling very vulnerable and mixed up.

Either way, he is either spooked or bored now, and no good can come of you trying to cling on to this brief dalliance/friendship. You must not start convincing yourself that it is a real relationship that can solve your problems or give you the excuse you were looking for to run away from your marriage - it really isn't. You are assigning him a pivotal role in where you go from here, but actually he is nothing more than a symptom, not the cause and certainly not the cure. At most, he is nothing more than a catalyst. It is very, very important that you understand and recognise this.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that the only two options are 1) being deliriously happy with him or 2) staying in an unsatisfactory marriage as a consolation prize because he has rejected you.

There is a third option and that is to stop being passive. You need to take control, admit that you are unhappy in your marriage and do something to change it. That can either be to leave, or to acknowledge out loud to your husband that you both need to work intensively on changing the things that are not right. And after that, you may still need to leave. Or you may not. I might all be fine. But you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and formulate a plan that does not involve the other man. Because believe me, he does not intend to become anything more than a walk-on/walk-off extra in this little drama he's dabbled in.

What you are doing at the moment is placing the onus on him to change your situation for you. You want to be able to say to your DH 'I love him and I need to leave you to be with him. It's not my fault. I can't help it. ' Or you are perhaps hoping that your DH to find out and make the decision for you.

Except that the OM doesn't want you, so now you are feeling trapped by your own cowardice, because leaving to be alone is too scary.

But it is perfectly possible and indeed allowed for you you to just leave your husband for no specific reason/person whatsoever. It is allowed, if that is what you need to do.

IMO, you need to concentrate on your husband and your marriage. By this, I mean really analysing if it's right for you, or if it's making you feel like this.
Have you talked to professionals about it? And about your feelings?

I'd try to avoid any non-professional help from the opposite sex, for now. It can mess you up (and it has) more than you already were.

As for having sex with him and your H, you'd be using it as a crutch to keep at a marriage that is already dying, it seems. Why would you want to keep at it?

What are you getting from your marriage right now?
Why won't you let go?
Just because it's not less bad than it has been, it doesn't make it good.

Thank you for all your replies. It's been really helpful to get things off my chest.

Ballerina: we have been married a long time, we have children, we both try our best and are realistic people and have a open and honest relationship generally. We both want to make it work. I know that sounds ironic but it's true. It's a shame I can't talk to DH about this problem.

thumbwitch: He wouldn't end the marriage if he found out no. He'd be hurt and I'd apologise and try and make up for it and we would probably be closer as a result. I am pretty sure this is what would happen.
I am not sure what else I can do. I have started to take more care of my appearance to feel better. I have taken up daily exercise. I try to be positive and not get depressed and "give up" on the day but it's hard. It IS ridiculous to get drive from an extra marital affair isn't it.

cognito we have attended Relate previously. It really helped. It is strange to say but I don't see this friendship as an affair. He has helped me so much. If I could be "just friends" then there really is not a problem at all. He is a mutual friend. He felt guilty so called off the sexual side of things but firmly wants to remain friends. He is still kind to me. We don't live in same city so it's mainly email/phone. To be perfectly honest I want a way to be just friends with him and put the mistake of the sexual aspect behind us BUT my sense of rejection pops up frequently. This is why I think my mental health has a lot to do with it.

FatherJake your reply was unhelpful. Nobody is in denial that I'm making a huge cock up of my marriage and my life so don't worry. Sometimes shit happens. Everyone is human. I'm just doing my best. I'm a good person. I was trying to insert relevant information about my husband , it's not "telling" of anything except my effort to be concise and relevant with facts. Its an open forum but is really rather you didn't reply again. It's unhelpful, hurtful and damaging. Much like my behaviour, yes, yes.....

The OM isn't your friend here. You need to cut all ties with him asap. Not sure if he was helping you in a professional capacity or as a friend but either way you are very vulnerable and he has not respected that in this situation. He is not the answer to your problems.
Chalk that up to a mistake.

You have sought help with your depression - well done
You have sought counselling - be open minded, don't dismiss it straight away, it may turn out to be incredibly useful, you may not realise you have been given new coping tools until it comes to an end. Be open minded about your counselling.

You are taking steps to deal with your problems which is a courageous thing to do so don't be harsh on yourself. Even if you feel you have hit rock bottom you must constantly remind yourself that this is temporary and things will get better.

When you are less depressed and looking at things from a differant angle you will be able to take a good look at all aspects of your life and marriage and decide what is the best plan for you going forward.

remember - it will get better.
The om is not your friend - cut ties.

the build up to the sex with om was the comfort.
now it's reality time.
take it from me you will find yourself better off without him.
x

Sometimes shit happens. Everyone is human. I'm just doing my best. I'm a good person

That's a lot of excuses there. Bottom line is that you have cheated on your husband and posted on mumsnet about it, you aren't going to get a load of fluffy, validating posts. So far it has been surprisingly measured. This OM is an enemy to your mental health, your marriage and your well being. You need proper professional help with your mental health, pl,ease go to the GP and request a referral to the local mental health team if you aren't already engaged with them.

You are taking good steps towards improving your mental health, but you still may need professional counselling and even anti-depressants.

This man should not be your friend.
I don't agree that we have to rely on your OH for everything, but you got too intimate and it got confusing here. That you slept together is a minor issue compared to the emotional confusion that you are going through.

That is why you need to steer clear of him and sort out your marriage. In fact, you need to sort out your life. No crutches, be it your husband or this other man.

People in your life should hold your hand going up, not make you feel worse.

Thank you FellReturneth there is ALOT of good advice in your post. I'm going to reread it a few times and try to understand it - and accept it. I am very worried by one thing you said: cowardice. Yes, I'm scared. And no, I can't see myself having the courage to do anything dramatic to change my life. It is easy to bury my head in the sand and think " oh it might be ok". I'm not sure where I would get courage from. We still communicate daily and he says he wants to help me still. I like that but I Know it's too painful for me to cope with. I feel very scared and alone. Thank you .

lweji thank you for your reply. Sigh. We have children. There's not lots of fighting. We both are unhappy cerebral people and are ironically A good match. I don't hate him. I feel like a sex life can be sacrificed for stability and long term normality. I like him. We have a life together. Some marital stem from my MH problems probably. I may try to get a new private counsellor. But I don't know how to find a decent one as last one was useless and also money is v tight.

Definitely keep pestering your GP.

In any case, you can contact Mind. They are private, but I believe that they can accommodate for less earnings. Worth a shot.

If you are both unhappy, that is not a good match, is it? You just end up bringing each other down. :(
Does he have help?

I haven't read all posts in this but the first thing that strikes me is your clearly not well! This is going to make the whole situation seem so much much worse than it is.

You blame yourself, you feel guilty and frightened. What you've done while not idea is not truly terrible. Your a human being with great emotional needs at the moment and this man happened to be in the right place at the right time. I'm not blaming your husband but their is a gap in your marriage and the om filled it. So it went to far! Your not the first and you certainly won't be the last.

What happened does not make you bad op, it's doesn't make you anything other than confirm your normal with needs. So you made a mistake, doesn't everyone make mistakes?

Stop beating yourself up over the sex. The fact he's walked away from this is frankly a good thing and in the future you will see this as well.

You need to get yourself mentally back on track. Go back to the doctors and up your meds. It's not forever. Speak to your counsellor and arrange for another session sooner than planned. Ask her to go over how you've given the om power and you need to take that back. Speak to your friend, take tissues and give yourself time to talk to her, more than just lunch time.

This will get better. Cut all contact with the om, he's actually not helpful! Realise you hold the power to feeling better, the om didn't give you it you had it in you all along. Devote yourself to yourself op. Don't make any decisions or say anything to your dh. You can never untell him!

I wish you could see how worthy you are op. I wish you could be sympathetic to yourself and I wish you could see that what's gone is gone, it's the future that matters!!! And you do have one. It's not going to hurt forever I promise

Thank you everyone . I am reading all your posts.
It's hard to be told that the person I feel closest to and who understands me best and is the most attentive , kind, constant, genuinely caring person I know is bad for me and I should just stop speaking to him.

I am on anti-depressants.
The problem with counsellors is that in RL I come across as very articulate, considered, smiley, rational, understanding, cognitively "with it". I try to tell the how bad I feel but the counsellor yesterday just minimised it as being down to having young children and the stresses of that. But I've been unhappy since I was child. I'm not sure what stops me being a normal functioning human. I want them to give me a psychiatric label so that I can take medication and use it as a springboard for having a normal life. At the moment I am just: worthless,pointless, pathetic and I have been like that since forever and I just haven't been able to help myself for whatever reason. If jmi come across as a Whingy whiny pathetic baby it's because inside, I am. I am beyond help I really am.

"I feel like a sex life can be sacrificed for stability and long term normality"

I think that's a mistaken belief. 'Normality and stability' when you are a sexually active person who enjoys intimacy is not celibacy. Like squeezing a balloon, repressing one part of your life means other areas risk blowing up with the stress. Mental health issues, compulsive behaviours and forms of self-medication are often the result.

I've no idea what unhappy cerebral people are supposed to look like but few people successfully live with being unhappy, however sound they may think their rationale. 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions'

Your counsellor sounds terrible! Look on counselling directories or BACP website. Go with person centred counsellor not CBT at the moment. Discuss session amount, a lot will do a deal. This clearly goes a lot deeper than the relationship with your dh

Thank you rinky & lweji

I'm just going to go cry awhile and deal with my children so I will be back later. I can't do this. Life is too hard and I don't even have problems. They're all self inflicted.

With respect, your problems are largely not self-inflicted so much as the solution to your problems is in your sole gift. Not a counsellor, not your DH and not an OM. You're trying very hard to force yourself to tolerate the intolerable when all the evidence is screaming otherwise. I think, once you acknowledge that, you'd find life considerably easier.

Thank you rinky & lweji

I'm just going to go cry awhile and deal with my children so I will be back later. I can't do this. Life is too hard and I don't even have problems. They're all self inflicted.

Yes it's an open forum and if this was a man posting about how complicated and depressed he is (oh yes and by the by 'I am sexually frustrated by my wife so I shagged someone else who's now given me the shove) he would get flamed or at the very least told to confess all to his wife and stop subjecting her to a lie. I mean seriously, could the following quite extraordinary sentence on this thread ever, ever have been written about a man cheating?

"I am sorry you are in a deep dark place and feel that the only nice thing you can do for yourself is to get sexual gratification from another woman than your DW, that must be a very difficult place to be."

Anyway don't worry, that's me out.

Hello DesperatelyTrying I think you'd benefit from cbt. It won't make your problems go away but it'll give you some tools to help deal with them. You may find that if you google it and read a bit about it that you'll start to understand that what you're going through now is a manifestation of what has happened in the recent past. When we go through these things we feel as though we're the only one in the world that it's happened to, but of course that's not true.
I do feel that you'll torture yourself if you don't tell your husband the whole truth - he deserves to know so that he can understand how best to move forward. It would be unfair of you to continue to hold all the cards.