Please don't judge me too harshly

[DesperatelyTrying]

I'm very scared posting this
I can't sleep
I'm very confused and worried
I am on antidepressants
I have just started seeing a counsellor (sadly i don't have much faith in the counsellor bein helpful)

That's all relevant information I think.
I'm really very scared.
I feel very alone.
The days are very difficult. I cry a lot fair amount and hide in bed a fair amount.
I am trying to help myself.
I don't feel strong enough.

I've gotten myself emotionally attached to another man.
I am married.
This OM was helping me with some mental health and marital problems.
It's become messy.
We slept together.
He Doesn't want to sleep together again.
I feel being his friend is now inappropriate.
Having used him as a crutch I feel I will be unable to find motivation to live "on my own two feet".
I feel used by him.
Simultaneously I feel I Need him.
He has benefitted my greatly with some psychological tools.
I feel I am attached to him.
I know I need to let him go and make a clean break but I feel scared to make the move.
I don't feel I can survive without him.
I can see what I am saying is ridiculous but I cannot seem to move past feelings of loneliness enough to pull my self together and stop contact.

My husband is here.
I am sexually Unsatisfied with him.
We have some problems with arguing but gave worked through lots and are probably the must stable we gave been in our marriage.

I feel scared and alone.
Please don't say horrible things about me.
I don't know if I can even cope with hearing the truth.
God I'm so scared and confused and lost.
I can't sleep.
I'm so scared.
I'm Not suicidal - I just don't want to live. It's too painful and hard.

There is exercise and volunteering today. I feel like cancelling both and going into self destruct mode.

I'm so alone. I feel so sorry for my children,

If I cancel volunteering I'll feel bad but I just... cries

I feel like running away for a few days. I'm sure my parents in law would come straight down and look after the children for a few days. I could just disappear to a quite rural location and hide. And then people would worry and I would inflict hurt and worry on them. To make them appreciate me. If have to come back for the children though. My poor poor children. They've done nothing to deserve this. I can't ever be happy. It's always down to being in My hands and I'm Not capable. If I was I would have done it. I don't take enough responsibility for my own circumstances. It's my fault. I feel so cries lost and trapped and lonely and

Go back to your doctor, for goodness sake and get better meds.

Go back to your doctor, for goodness sake and get better meds.

This.

And better counselling.
You need emergency help.

If you are that desperate, tell it all to your doctor. Tell your husband. He will support you and fight with you to get help.

I don't think temporary heartache is going to be helped by medication. Realisation that you are a fool can't go away using prescription drugs. I've been this crazy in my head since I remember. It's nothing new.

I sent him picture of my self harm. It does t affect him as he has held his hands up and I should take responsibility for my own actions. Which I should, which I am . I'm choosing to live my life in the way that I want, this is it. I am a piece of scum. A useless piece of scum who can't appreciate the family she does have, beautiful house and children and husband. A degree. An opportunity to do anything I want. I am the only person stopping me I know.

Anyway self harm was barely anything, I've lost my touch, barely scrapes. Barely any blood and it's all congealing over already as the human body is amazing at repairing itself.

I am sorry all for making you waste your time to reply. I am beyond help. Help people who are able to get better. I'm just a lost cause, really.

I'm sorry you believe you're a lost cause and that you have to refer to yourself that way. When someone has an outwardly good life but is feeling the way you do there is a pretty good chance they are suffering from clinical depression. Medication may not be able to make problems go away but it may give you the strength to tackle those problems and restore some hope. Please consider talking to your GP or the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for re:GP.
firstly, I believe This is just Me, And it can't be fixed. Negativity.
Secondly , I don't know what to say. It will sound ridiculous, and obvious what the answers are. If there's nothing psychiatrically wrong with me then it just means I need a timetable to keep on top of housework, children's routine. I need a job to get me out of house. Hobbies to keep me from being bored and frustrated at home. Put "effort" into relationship to fix that. Eat healthily and exercise to keep Eating disorder at bay. Calming down techniques to keep negative .... Blah. It scares me and it seems so simple and so insurmountable simultaneously. That basically means I'm not willing enough to do it therefore I am lazy therefore it's my fault therefore I deserve it therefore I don't deserve any support therefore I should shut up. Spiral of despair, gloom. I'm feeling stressed out thinking about it all.

I'd rather distract myself with the simpler activity of a drama with an OM. Quick confidence boost, quick motivation. Comforting and familiar Self-hate thrown into the mix. It's all good.

Have you read your last post op? Maybe it would be good if you could re read it a few times and imagine it was a friend writing it.

This could out me but frankly I think your worth it!

You sound exactly like I was 2 years ago! No job, sahm, couldn't be bothered, bored and the world and my existence seemed utterly pointless. Dh and I had arguments all the time. He irritated me, he annoyed me. He began to pull away from me. We never spoke, I couldn't stand him touching me. I also found myself looking at om to fill the gaps and make me feel better. Sadly the om just formed an orderly cue. It was a very slippery slop and thankfully before anything serious happened with any of them I ended up having a breakdown. A full mental breakdown. I found myself in the bath not knowing what to do. I phoned my sister hysterical I wanted to die so much it scared me. She told me to get out the bath she was coming. So I did just that. I stood in the bathroom soaking wet and naked not knowing to get a towel, forgetting how to dry myself. I forgot how to bath, how to get dressed, how to do anything. I couldn't function!

I needed step by step instructions for days. I was told to go to the gp and talked through getting out of bed, getting dressed washed, getting in car etc. My GP confirmed I was ill very ill. I was put on AD's and thankfully not sectioned simply because of having a great supportive family and amazing friends. I told them all I needed help. I've never felt so pathetic and embarrassed in my life. I sought long term weekly counselling. It was a tough 6 months but I started to get better. 2 years later I'm now out the otherside. I'm off the meds, I've had another baby (not suggesting this is the answer because its not!) I'm looking for full time work and life is so much better than it was.

I now realise how poorly I'd been for so long. In fact op I'd had undiagnosed PND with my ds. It had been untreated for 5 years. I assumed what I was feeling was normal for parents of small children with husbands who work hard.

It's not op. Feeling like you feel now is not normal. It's called depression and I strongly advise you go to your gp and have a chat. Ask for meds and counselling. A whole wonderful world awaits you but at the moment you can't see any of it. Your living in a heavy dark cloud of despair. No motivation, no joy, no confidence. Negative thoughts, it all seems hopeless. It's not hopeless but without help I wonder if you'll ever see it.

Everyone else is getting on with their lives. Its time for you to start reclaiming yours

Great post rinky (flowers!)

How are you doing, trying? Xx