Please don't judge me too harshly

[DesperatelyTrying]

I'm very scared posting this
I can't sleep
I'm very confused and worried
I am on antidepressants
I have just started seeing a counsellor (sadly i don't have much faith in the counsellor bein helpful)

That's all relevant information I think.
I'm really very scared.
I feel very alone.
The days are very difficult. I cry a lot fair amount and hide in bed a fair amount.
I am trying to help myself.
I don't feel strong enough.

I've gotten myself emotionally attached to another man.
I am married.
This OM was helping me with some mental health and marital problems.
It's become messy.
We slept together.
He Doesn't want to sleep together again.
I feel being his friend is now inappropriate.
Having used him as a crutch I feel I will be unable to find motivation to live "on my own two feet".
I feel used by him.
Simultaneously I feel I Need him.
He has benefitted my greatly with some psychological tools.
I feel I am attached to him.
I know I need to let him go and make a clean break but I feel scared to make the move.
I don't feel I can survive without him.
I can see what I am saying is ridiculous but I cannot seem to move past feelings of loneliness enough to pull my self together and stop contact.

My husband is here.
I am sexually Unsatisfied with him.
We have some problems with arguing but gave worked through lots and are probably the must stable we gave been in our marriage.

I feel scared and alone.
Please don't say horrible things about me.
I don't know if I can even cope with hearing the truth.
God I'm so scared and confused and lost.
I can't sleep.
I'm so scared.
I'm Not suicidal - I just don't want to live. It's too painful and hard.

"if this was a man ..... he would get flamed "

I'm getting sick of this 'if this was a man' double-standards argument. This is a website populated by women, helping women, talking to women and the love here is as tough as it comes. Right between the eyes most of the time. Sure there are allowances made occasionally but, you know what, the shitty lives some women put up with, they deserve a bloody break even if they have behaved badly. The OP has asked for some compassion, they appear to be extremely vulnerable if not actually experiencing a breakdown & they are not being told they're doing the right thing in the slightest.

Actually my response would be the same if it was a man or not!

I do not feel you are in a rational enough place to make a decision over anything.

You are worth it
It will get better and you will get through this.

You will get through this simply because you have no choice, you have to!

You need support, real life support op.

If you break it all down you've got so much your dealing with. You know you need to say goodbye to this friend. This is going to hurt like hell. Sorry but it really is but you can do it! Your not going to feel sexually attracted to your dh quite simply because your poorly. Your very poorly and until this begins to change your in no state to even begin and rekindle your relationship.

Eat, drink, wash. Get someone to have the children, you need mental space. Cry, cry and cry some more.

Prepare yourself this will take time x

Desperately - with some forms of talking therapy counselling, it can take around 2 years (this is a common length of time) for barriers to break down sufficiently for real work to be done on the problems. It just takes that long to form sufficient trust with the counsellor, and to slowly peel away all the layers that you will have put in place to cover the true problems.

If you imagine it's like a horrible wound - you put a plaster on it, which works for a while but the wound doesn't heal. Then it starts to ooze, but you can't take the first plaster off because it would hurt too much so you just put another plaster over the top - and repeat over and over. You end up with a stack of metaphorical plasters stuck over your wounds! Counselling can't rip all those plasters off in one go, it would be terrifyingly painful! and it takes time to slowly peel them off, one at a time.

I'm not trying to armchair counsel you, but just wanted to ask - was there an event that triggered your feelings as a child, or did they just suddenly creep up on you? Was it around puberty or before?

And next - you NEED to stop putting your game face on when you go to see health professionals. How are they supposed to help you if you're hiding the problems?!
Imagine you broke your leg - you walk in without a limp to A&E, smiling cheerfully and say "I think I've broken my leg, but it's ok, it doesn't hurt, I can walk perfectly ok and weight bear on it" - they'll kick you out as a joker! This is effectively what you are doing.
Let the pain show. It's the only way you'll get the help you need.

Let the pain show with a trusted professional. They are not necessarily to be found in the NHS in fact if you do find one in the NHS look out for flying pigs

You can approach private therapists and ask about their fee scale to get a reduction. Thumbwitch is right that it can take a long time to work through the 'plasters' so be prepared to give it time. If you had a regular counsellor you know you would be seeing within a week it would be a great help and solace when facing something like this.

I don't feel qualified to comment on the OM but I can't help my hackles rising tbh. Ie that you are so vulnerable, that he has been 'wonderful'.

CBT is a good bank of skills to use alongside 121 therapy. And you can get that on the NHS.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. It will pass, it always does, even when you can't see it ever will xxxx

I've read everything and am really grateful thank you.

I am too sad to say anything more.
I know what I need to do. NC.
I'm going to start trying. I am not sure if I am 100% ready but I am nearly there. It's like inflicting pain on yourself which is hard and not taking the medication you know stops the pain.

I feel sick and scared and like I will never smile again,

I feel sad he will move on with his cosy life and I've been left alone all alone again.

I don't hide anything thumbwitch from counsellors but I think they think because I appear to be self/ aware and know what I Should be doing that I am resourceful enough to do what I need and therefore feel better. I am volunteering. I am exercising. I am trying to keep house tidy. I am quite calm with kids. I don't feel happy at all.

Nothing major happened to me. Well compared to most. I lost my mum aged 9. Grew up with elderly dad. Older brothers and sisters - I'm a good decade or two younger than rest of siblings. Quite a cold and unemotional family. I wasn't ever hugged or loved although of course they though they were doing well by feeding me and ... Being tolerant of me, I don't know. I know life is hard and children and teenagers are difficult and I wasn't the only thing on their plate so I guess they feel they made sacrifices but as I was a child I'm not really sure what they were. One brother has now moved away and never calls. He is a psychiatrist and knows I am on ADs. I said I was feeling low once but he obviously has issues as he kept trying to get off the phone and told me to get Gp to increase AD dose, haven't heard from him since which was a few months ago.
Another brother has moved abroad. Don't speak to him much. Haven't seen him for 3 yrs, no point speaking to him - he has a very different worldview and mindset. I'm sure he "cares" though. Third brother is very stern and strict. Spent weekend with him and my dad and his family. He didn't say a word to me. Once we had a falling out and I said I feel like nobody cares and he said "I find it very offensive that you say that". That was a big open discussion we had a year ago after a different marital drama me and DH had. I haven't spoken to my brother since then beyond hello and Byebye.

This OM started as a friend, elder sibling, counsellor, father - attentive and caring and loving - I wasn't bothered about sex at all then. I don't know why I'm focussing on it now.

I have to go. I can continue my story later if it's relevant for anyone to help me.

Oh and there's a sister abroad. Don't speak though no animosity.

You can throw rage , self harm , straight As , bulimia into the mix.

I think the fact that I feel like Happens to me is a very important point. Is this not normal?? I don't feel I have any control over anything and that i am weak and powerless to change anything. Perhaps this is what I can explore with the counsellor.

I don't know why he spoke to me kindly and was never cross with me and laughed at my jokes and told me I was clever and pretty and kissed and touched me in a way that made me feel special and amazing for the first time. Why does he say he loves me? Why did he give me time and why does he say he doesn't mean harm. I think I want what he gave me but from a DH. But it's not possible because affairs are bubbles and my DH is the way that he is & that won't change. I wish I could begin life again.

So is your DH like your family males? Cool, distant, talks the talk but there's no physical back up to make you believe it?

You may not think that it's much but dear God, losing your mum at 9 and then being brought up in an emotionally sterile environment like you describe - no wonder you cling on to the slightest bit of warmth and love!

If it doesn't feel like too much of a betrayal, and you want to, can you say some more about your DH, what sort of a man is he etc.

There's a well known saying op. The grass is greener on the other side. The truth is the grass is greener where you water it.

Is your dh nurturing your relationship? You maybe need to be honest with him by telling him how unhappy you are. That you feel ignored and unloved and your drifting away from him. You can do this without telling him anything about the on.

Start watering your side of the lawn op. Do things for you, to make you feel better about yourself and all the time you invested in the om now invest in yourself and then your relationships.

I think there is a lot more going on than you realise. 9 yrs old to lose your main female caring role model to be then surrounded by a male environment has caused you problems. Now is the best chance your going to get to sort all this out. If your counsellor isn't pressing your buttons and your struggling to work with her either tell her or find another one!

I've just told him on phone I don't want to continue speaking because it's too emotionally confusing for me.

I feel horribly sick And sad and I am crying and I want him to hurl abuse at him whilst hoping he telepathically realises I just want a hug. I want him to be my family. I don't think I can do this. Why can't he be a friend or a brother. Maybe I should just try and behave platonically, but I know I can't because that craving is there for warmth.

I feel gross when my husband kisses me. We barely do. I just DTD regularly with him, what else is there.

DH works extremely long hours. Is often very tired. We argue on rare weekends together. I haven't received a birthday card or present from him for three yrs and perhaps ever but I can't remember before then. Nobody said happy birthday to me this year actually. I try to be nice to people but can be blunt at times by mistake so accidentally offend people I think. He doesn't do foreplay at the times I've requested it he tries but he is so terrible I don't bother asking anymore. So sex is simply for his gratification.
He isn't horrible or evil or nasty. He is trying in his own way by trying to be more helpful with the kids and letting me go to exercise. I don't see the point in anything anymore.

I think I will message OM a few more times before it goes quiet. I want to hurt him.

Nothing makes me happy. I am incapable. I wish I didn't have kids so I could just disappear.

I really really hope your counsellor can help you see a way through this, OP.

Please don't text your friend - what would be the point? You say you want to hurt him, but what for? How will that help in any way at all? You'll only feel even more shit about yourself afterwards.

Delete the other man from you life. Completely, no back-ups.

Speak to your friend. Try to get out of the house woth her even if it's just a walk around the block.

Keep trying with your marriage and make sure your husband tries too.

Tell both your husband and your friend how you feel about wanting to hide in bed. Ask them to support you in breaking this cycle.

Set yourself small goals to achieve each day. Start with getting up at a reasonable hour, showering, getting dressed (casual clothes are fine as long as they're clean, no need for make-up), then get out of the house. Walk and be in the fresh air.

Do something small that makes you feel happy, get a drink or a snack in an outdoor caf or from home or the supermarket to eat in the park or a bench somewhere in the sun. Then go home and get on with a chore - have one in mind, something that makes a difference to the house immediately (e.g. laundry or washing up). Put on the radio for some music and energy. Crack open the windows for fresh air. When you finish the chore have a rest, a drink, something to eat, then see if you can manage another chore, again, go for a "quick win", perhaps cleaning the bathroom or hoovering the main r rooms.
Yhen try to get out again, maybe go to buy ingredienta

Oops pressed post too early! Basically I don't know your daily routine but based on.what you say I recommend getting out of your house and kreping active and busy. Fresh air, fresh, tasty food, a clean-ish, tidy-ish house and self and plenty of reasons to get up every day will help your mental and physical health which then affect each other. Avoid too much "mulling", also alcohol, junk foods etc. that cause mood swings. Go day by day and get through little jobs, keep active and you'll start to feel more in control.

We are here for you too.

Sorry about my huge posts!

Well done on making that call! Its one of the hardest you'll ever do. It's the beginning of you getting better.

The only person your going to hurt in trying to hurt him is yourself! That's the last thing you need at the moment.

Why do you make excuses for your dh's rejections? How can no birthday cards/ presents be acceptable. Yes he works long hours but seriously how long does it take to wish your wife a happy birthday!!! It seems like you almost blame yourself for him being so distant. How can it be your fault? When did you last feel connected to him? When did you last go out as a couple together or even just sit in and chat and laugh together?

There is a future op, you are worth it. You will feel better than this!

I think keeping trying with your marriage is just flogging a dead horse. You've no feelings for your DH & there seems to be nothing approaching love or affection in return. If you're engaged in a completely futile situation, feeling miserable & trapped with no way out, of course it's depressing and you want to disappear. Stop 'DTD' with your DH if you're repulsed by him. Faking sexual interest and going along with it to keep someone else happy is the most demeaning thing you can do. The OM sounds like an exploitative creep who demeaned you further.

None of this is helping your mental health.

How would you feel if someone said to you that they would wave a magic wand and that, instead of you disappearing, your DH disappeared?

you sound so unhappy. i'm so sorry. i wish i could hug you.

I didn't have the strength to remain NC even for the day.
I feel I have to "confess" that. I don't know how I will get through the night. I napped to take away the pain. I'm terrified of undoing the good the OM has spurred me on with (exercise,healthy diet, chilling out). It's hard to explain. I have this pressure on my head. I want to just escape and make things not hurt. I have volunteering tomorrow & errands so will distract me a little.

Thank you everyone for taking time to post. Your efforts won't be wasted, i Do want to take good advice.

Desperate - why do you want to stay married to your DH? IS it just for the children? Do you think there's any chance you might be happier away from him, rather than staying in another emotionally sterile relationship, like the ones with your own family?

How old are your DC, and are they happy?

Get a grip woman. Stop cheating on your husband and pull yourself together. You sound like a love sick puppy. There's not going to be a happy ending with your life coach man and if you know what's good for you, you will cut him out of your life. However it's not just your life, it's your dc and dh life who your behaviour and actions impact upon. You need to focus on them not this other bloke.

If sex is dull get a vibrator, try new positions or some sex toys maybe.

Desperately. I am not a counsellor and have no training in such areas. From your recent posts I get the feeling that there is no warmth from your husband. You grew up with emotionless male role mode
S and then you married one. You say you are not cuddled, you hate kissing your husband. You have asked to improve your sex life but just Dtd for his benefit. No presents, no happy birthdays. Arguing.

I think there is more to this then you getting swept away by another man. I wonder if this relationship with your husband is affecting your health? If it is making you repress your need for love and warmth as this was not what you encountered as a child. And after all this time your health is being affected.

Do you know who you are as a person? Have you had other relationships? Did you marry young? Is there an age gap? Sorry lots of questions. I just think there is more to your life story. Xx

It's painful to write this because I am not ready to do what I may need to do. E.g. possibly leave DH. You will all think I'm cowards and guess I am but that's the truth. We married young - he was my first - we rushed into marriage. We were from a strict Cultural background. We are both now not following the religion of our families so are kind of estranged from them and all out old friends too. Actually I don't mean estranged - I mean we feel uncomfortable seeing them as we feel different and we hide the fact that we aren't religious like them anymore - which is a big thing. Our lovely young kids are fine. Me and DH both don't want to separate for the kids but I guess I do love him. I wouldn't be bothered if he disappeared no. But we have a shared history. And we get each other. And it's just sad I'm physically repelled by him now because I exposed myself to what else is out there. I want to be a martyr and just get on with my stupid mundane life like a robot. But it's not so easy being a robot. I also don't want to deal with the practicalities of separation - being poor, uprooting children and having difficult lives for them, negotiating with his family, the trauma and pain of what divorce would bring. Anyway I'm getting carried away and scared thinking about it. I can't write anymore now I'm scared and I feel sick. OM says I'm overreacting and why can't we just be best friends and no sex?

He says that does he?
He shouldn't have fucked you ever in the first place if that's what he wanted. He has totally head fucked you and since you describe him as an older, father figure type I'm going to go ahead and assume he's a manipulative bastard who has latched on to you as vulnerable, created a dependency then exploited it for his sexual kicks. I'm not saying you aren't responsible for cheating, but your posts show how vulnerable and unwell you are and the thought of this character treating you like this is making me mad. Especially when he then offers being 'best friends with no sex'. Sorry but it doesn't work that way when you have cheated, you need to cut the OM out entirely if you have a hope of recovering your marriage.

"overreacting" eh? That's nice for him.
I think he should honestly do you a favour and leave you alone, since you're having troubles backing off from him.
I think that you should have an open and honest discussion with your DH about the problems in your marriage and then find a way forward. This may involve separation - you've already emotionally and physically disengaged from him by the sound of it, you don't want him as a husband, just as a co-parent.
Well, people do manage to co-exist in the same space like that, and have "outside interests" - would that be at all possible in your situation, do you think? or would your DH go batshit at the idea?

But even if he agrees to it, it can NOT be your "friend". That would be a betrayal too far.