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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much does your DP/DH look at other women?

55 replies

Amencorner · 15/07/2014 08:29

Just wondering what people's views are on this? I realise all men look amd some people will say all women do too, though I can honestly say I don't bother. I'm in a fairly new relationship and it does bother me that he notices other women when he's with me

This probably makes me sound really insecure and I probably am a little bit. I don't spend my time worrying he will leave me but I am a bit concerned about my gut reaction when he glances at women. I almost take it as a personal insult. I find myself thinking he's not that into me if he's noticing all these other women. WHY do men do it? It's something I've always found it hard to accept

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 09:34

You sound really insecure if you're getting upset over glances and treating them as a personal insult. It's unrealistic to expect people not to look at others just because they are the opposite sex. How do you 'not bother' exactly? Keep your eyes permanently cast down?

Unless he's being really crass about it - staring, making appreciative noises, winking, flirting etc - he's doing nothing wrong. Why are you so insecure do you think?

Original poster

Amencorner · 15/07/2014 09:39

When I say I don't bother looking, I mean I'm not looking in that way. Obviously I'm not walking around with my head down but looking at men in an appreciative way doesn't really enter my head. Or at least very very rarely. He on the other hand seems to look at every vaguely attractive women that passes by. Just makes me wonder if he's happy with what he's got or just passing time till something comes along I suppose. I don't know why I'm insecure

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 09:42

Have you pulled him up on it?

ExcuseTypos · 15/07/2014 09:44

Is he making it very obvious that he's looking at these women in a kind of "I'm checking her out" way?

If so then I'd be pissed of too. My DH never does this and it is one of the reasons I married him. I went out with a few "starring at other women" types and I hated it. Not all men do it so my advice would be to find one who doesn't.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/07/2014 09:45

DH is very discreet so I don't know.

I wouldn't be impressed with a man who ogles women. I would be embarrassed to be with him.

Joysmum · 15/07/2014 09:46

Not as much as I do! I do appreciate a lovely looking woman.

I'm not bothered by him looking if he does, I'm no model (understatement of the year) after all. However, I am the one for him and I know and am secure in that knowledge.

It's take me a long time to get to that stage though, it's nothing to do with him, everything to do with my own insecurities thanks to my past before him.

I used to be dreadfully paranoid and he knew it and luckily was more understanding of it than a lot of mumsnetters who who have been telling him to leave me if he'd posted about it in those early years.

The worrying about looking at other women is a sign of lack of emotional oneness, nothing to do with the way other women, or you, look imo.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2014 09:46

I have been happily married for many years and both of us look at the opposite sex. For him, it's not every single woman and he is very discreet about it. It tends to be the more "eye catching" ladies that to be fair I am probably checking out too in a way "wow, she looks fabulous" way. Sometimes we catch each other and just laugh.

He doesn't flirt or do the ridiculous tongue-hanging-out body language though.

Have you had a similar kind of anxiety in previous relationships or just this one ? If there are no worrying behaviours from him around OW, I think it is your problem, love

fraggle500 · 15/07/2014 09:56

Oh this is an interesting question. My ex used to do the very obvious "check her out" thing, to the point I got very upset, felt he was looking over his shoulder for some one better to come along. When I'd bring this up he would say I was insecure , jealous etc.... I'm not!! However, he would use this sort of behaviour to make me feel like this. I didn't feel loved or wanted by him and I was right, he was looking else where and really didn't care about me or my feelings.

When you feel loved and special - it's really doesn't matter if they "look" or you "look". No one walks around with blinkers on, however you should feel confident enough in your relationship that it's doesn't matter.

Allinson2014 · 15/07/2014 10:21

Totally agree fraggle. I was previously with some

Allinson2014 · 15/07/2014 10:26

Totally agree fraggle. I was previously with someone who used to ogle everyone who went past him and when I was upset about it he used it against me as being insecure and paranoid etc. Turned out he was cheating on me too, although I'm sure the two are not always related. I'm sure DH does notice other women but he's discreet enough that I've only ever noticed him do it once, and to be honest I'd noticed her too!

I think if he's staring and making you feel uncomfortable then you need to pull him up on it. I think the vast majority of people notice other attractive people, however most don't use do this just to upset their partner. If he knows it's upsetting you and is still doing it, then there is a problem.

Original poster

Amencorner · 15/07/2014 10:32

He doesn't stare but definately looks or glances and I can tell usually when he's going to do it as I seem to be quicker or more observant than him and spot them and think "wait for it" and sure enough he looks. What do the rest of you define as ogling and looking or glancing?

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 15/07/2014 10:35

This kind of insecurity might be 'your problem' or it might also be your intuition that he is not committed to you, is looking around for alternatives or that he's the kind of guy who views all women as available to him. I've felt insecure like you describe before but only when I was with a certain man. It doesn't usually bother me if a bloke with me looks at someone else and I do it myself as much as the average bloke.

pictish · 15/07/2014 10:36

I have seldom noticed my dh giving women the once over. I know he must do it, but he's very discreet about it...definitely not an ogler by any stretch of the imagination. I am the same...if I notice someone I think is attractive, that's all there is to it - I notice. I don't stare or ogle.

You say he 'glances'...and that doesn't sound like anything to worry about to me. We can't all walk around with blinkers on after all.

If you were secure in your relationship, his glances wouldn't bother you.

Lovingfreedom · 15/07/2014 10:37

So...same as what Fraggle said really

Allinson2014 · 15/07/2014 10:44

To me glancing is just that really, for example if he's driving I might see him glance in the mirror at someone. To me ogling is more staring obviously for more than just a few seconds.

Fontella · 15/07/2014 11:00

My ex used to do this all the time and yes, it upset me and made me insecure and uncomfortable and all the rest of it, for a while until the scales fell from my eyes and I realised how pathetic it actually was - this middle aged, overweight, bald bloke eyeing up girls and women who were quite frankly way out of his league and wouldn't look twice at him. I was sat opposite him in a restaurant and a lovely looking girl walked past our table - he did the usual up and down scanning, head turning and letching over her and I just saw him as he actually was in that moment and almost burst out laughing.

From then on until the end of our relationship ... not long after, I couldn't give a shit, and in fact I made a point of giving blokes the once over - exaggerating looking at them, making eye contact sometimes and getting quite a few looks back in the process!

I could see the shock on my soon to be ex's face - a) that I wasn't so besotted with him that I didn't fancy other men, and b) that other blokes fancied me. Once when a nice looking bloke gave me a nod and smile, my ex's jaw literally dropped open hahaha! One of the best moments of my life that was - when the arsehole realised he wasn't the centre of my universe.

whatdoesittake48 · 15/07/2014 11:13

I think that often people look at other people in the street only to ascertain if they are looking back - it is an ego boost to notice that someone is looking at you. you each catch each other's eye and move on - little ego massage done for the day and you feel better about yourself.

it is perfectly normal.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 11:33

"What do the rest of you define as ogling and looking or glancing?"

Ogling is when you look someone up and down, lustily appraising them. Looking and glancing OTOH are just normal parts of everyday life. Like PPs I find myself looking at people - all genders - maybe admiring their clothes or wondering if I know them from somewhere. Sometimes I might just be gazing at nothing and someone crosses my eye-line. And that's the point. Unless you have psychic powers, you have no real idea what's going on in his head when he's looking at someone and yet you are assuming the worst. That's either because of the way he is behaving in other respects .... a cumulative effect perhaps... or because you lack self-esteem

ChickenMe · 15/07/2014 18:53

There's a difference between noticing and having a look. I would notice a six feet tall blonde bombshell and my OH would notice too. But once he had noticed he would look away (if I was there) and that would be it. I'm happy in myself and can appreciate beauty in others-in fact I enjoy doing so.
I've previously dated men who not only notice but leer, stare, look said woman up and down and even comment in a pervy way. That IMO is out of order and disrespectful. I think you can tell by the look on a man's face if they have merely noticed or are actively checking women out all the time.

Original poster

Amencorner · 15/07/2014 19:21

I honestly can't tell if I'm being over the top. I know he notices because I can tell but don't know how to explain why I can tell. I'm not sure if he's actively checking them out. I wouldn't say he leers and he certainly doesn't say anything but I always know when he's going to notice someone and it's almost every attractive female

OP posts:

ChittinIt · 15/07/2014 19:28

He doesn't, never has. I on the other hand can't help it, man or woman. Luckily it doesn't bother him in the slightest.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2014 19:29

Exactly what anyfucker said. Word for word.

But I wouldn't have said "love" at the end bevause from me it would've sounded sarky but from AF it never does does it?

AnyFucker · 15/07/2014 19:37

what's that, BOOP, love ?

that makes me think of Betty Boop

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2014 19:47

I know love, I love being BOOP - my DP calls me BOOPY now sometimes!

XiCi · 15/07/2014 19:47

If I was in the early stages of a relationship and he was checking out every attractive female I would assume that he wasn't that into me and was keeping his options open. You should really be in that 'eyes only for each other' stage at the beginning and him checking out other women wouldn't bode well for me.

DH has never done this, or if he has I've never noticed so he must be very discreet. It's a matter of respect isn't it. If you're eyeing up other people when you're with a partner it makes them look a bit of a twat. It's up to you whether you want to put up with it because it's not likely to change.

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