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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out I am the OW

58 replies

FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 01:03

I've name changed for this as I'm feeling stupid not to mention mortified.

I've just found out (through the medium of facebook) that the guy I've been seeing on a casual basis since February has a girlfriend. I'm annoyed and angry with myself for believing this guys lies about his hard time as a "single" dad. I've text him to tell him I know about his gf, not expecting a reply - he's spineless. Will be booking an appointment at the GUM clinic in the morning ffs. But what do I do about her? This poor woman has posted on fb about how she's waiting for him to propose (his DD is not hers incidentally). My instinct is to just pretend none of this happened and just move on, it was only casual after all, but I feel bad for this woman. I think I'd want to know if the boot was on the other foot but the thought of emailing her and bursting her bubble sickens me. She is much younger than me, as is he. I feel like such a fool. I don't know what to do for the best. Maybe he will clean up his act after being caught out? What a mess. What should I do?

OP posts:
goodasitgets · 15/07/2014 01:05

I had the same. She's just had a baby with him. I said nothing, was very tempted many many times but figured I would just look bitter
He ended it with some bullshit about distance, I did some snooping and found a photo of him kissing a girl. When I checked her account there was loads of references to them being together
I felt like a total tit Thanks and Wine

Original poster
FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 01:10

If they had children together I think it would be more clear cut in my mind. But this poor woman wants to marry this lying It's not my style to cause a drama but I feel so bad for her. Is ignorance really bliss?

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 15/07/2014 01:11

I think you should tell her. Then it is up to her. At least you are out of firing range when she wants to shoot the messenger.

Dirtybadger · 15/07/2014 01:18

I think consensus is usually don't tell, leave them to it. She may not believe you anyway.

I tend to disagree, however. If you can tell get without it affecting you too much (don't get drawn into something that'll make you ill, obviously) then I think you should. But I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't/didn't. I say that on the basis that I would like to know in her shoes. She is potentially going to live a happy life oblivious (as some people do after lesser infidelities) if you say nothing but it sounds more likely she'll waste a decade of her life before something else happens. Poor woman.

NickiFury · 15/07/2014 01:28

I'd tell her.

DitzyDonkey · 15/07/2014 02:02

I would tell her.

goodasitgets · 15/07/2014 02:11

Oops my post read wrong. They didn't have children together, seems she got pregnant about 2 months after I found out Angry

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2014 02:32

I'd tell her. It's up to her whether or not she believes you or believes his lies.

Frankly, I think if more people told on these cheaters maybe there wouldn't be so darn many of them! I think most of them realize that the 'unintended' OW/OM will most likely just ride off into the sunset.

Bogeyface · 15/07/2014 02:39

Message her

"I am sorry to have to tell you this, but I found out this week that my boyfriend (since Feb) was actually your boyfriend first. I would never have dated him if I had known he wasnt single and I am not telling you this out of malice, but because I dont want you to be a victim of his lies.

I will not contact you again, I dont want to hurt you. But if you have any questions then I will do my best to answer them."

goodasitgets · 15/07/2014 02:40

The other guy it happened to me with... His girlfriend sent me a text Shock
Turns out she was 7 months pregnant. So she knew everything, but stayed with him

Original poster
FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 02:52

I can't sleep for thinking about it. She's maybe mid-twenties and she loves him enough to want to marry him and he doesn't deserve her. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation, I thought I was more savvy than that. It looks like she's really close to his family too. This will totally destroy all that I expect.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/07/2014 02:57

Just tell her.

What she does after that is up to her. Either she talks to you and dumps his ass or she ends up on MN in ten years, asking how she divorces him with 2 kids in tow and says how she wishes she had listened to you now.

All you can do is give her the facts as you understand them. Chances are that she will fall for his BS and be here in ten years, having married him and had his kids :(, but you will know you did the right thing.

Original poster
FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 03:11

Yeah you're definitely probably right Bogeyface. As painful as it would be at the time, I think if it were me I'd want to know. But I also realise that not everyone is like that. I don't want this to drag out and yet I imagine I'll get drawn into something I want nothing to do with.

OP posts:
beijaflor · 15/07/2014 03:28

I'd do more or less as bogeyface suggests. I wouldn't use the 'victim' to her, though. Just say you wanted her to know what had happened, and you leave it to her to decide what to do, or not. Then wish her all the best in her life no matter what she chooses.

Who knows - you might save her from a bad marriage. And if not, you did the best you could.

AdoraBell · 15/07/2014 03:30

I agree, tell her. Usually I would say don't but it seems he's already stringing her along if she is waiting for a proposal and in her shoes I would want to know.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Eekaman · 15/07/2014 03:41

Hi Feeling - this will only ''totally destroy all that'' if you choose to tell people - who you don't even know - whats been going on. It's not their fault, so why cause them pain?

Who's to say she doesn't know about you anyway? Move on, chalk it up to experience, live your life, not theirs. Good luck. And don't worry about the GUM results, you'll be fine, I'm sure.

Billynomates71 · 15/07/2014 04:22

I say tell her, let her decide.

I notice that everyone says otherwise she will be on here in 10years divorcing him with two kids in tow.

or, (more positively for you) she might confront him, she might dump him, she might not, but the whole sorry affair might wake this fella up and make him smell the coffee. he might just grow up and learn something from it all. it might make him a better person. we learn by our mistakes and you letting him get away with it certainly won't help him. it will teach him that it's ok.

sorry he has put you through this xxx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 07:03

I have a friend who found herself in your position. They'd been going out for quite a long time and were planning a future together when she discovered he had a partner of 20 years standing. She not only told his partner but they have joined forces and are running a bit of a campaign to find a third woman who they think is being strung along by the same guy. Her rationale is that everyone deserves to make an informed choice. I'm normally for walking away older and wiser but have to say, I admire her conviction!

HumblePieMonster · 15/07/2014 07:10

Tell her. She's still free to escape. She's not married, she doesn't have his children. She can start again.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 07:13

I'd tell her too.
She can then choose what to do based on the info she has, rather than going blindly.

WildBillfemale · 15/07/2014 07:41

Tell her. She's still free to escape. She's not married, she doesn't have his children. She can start again

Normally I'd say don't tell but as the above applies telling is probably the right thing to do.

Someone has worded a very good e-mail earlier in this thread.

Iloveweetos · 15/07/2014 07:46

I was in this situation. The guy had married a woman whilst we were together. I told her and it allowed her to understand a lot. She stayed with him and from what I've heard they have a child together. Just glad she's made the right decision for her

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2014 07:47

I wouldn't tell. No good ever comes of it for anyone involved and tbh, let's be honest, there's usually a bit of revenge motivation as well isn't there?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 07:51

Nothing wrong with a bit of revenge when the alternative is letting some sleazy chancer swan through life without ever having to face responsibility for his actions. :)

LemonDough · 15/07/2014 07:52

I'd tell for all the reasons already given but remember that if you send her a private message on Facebook and she isn't on your friends list the message will go into the 'other' box and she may not see it for months, if ever.

Good luck.