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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out I am the OW

58 replies

FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 01:03

I've name changed for this as I'm feeling stupid not to mention mortified.

I've just found out (through the medium of facebook) that the guy I've been seeing on a casual basis since February has a girlfriend. I'm annoyed and angry with myself for believing this guys lies about his hard time as a "single" dad. I've text him to tell him I know about his gf, not expecting a reply - he's spineless. Will be booking an appointment at the GUM clinic in the morning ffs. But what do I do about her? This poor woman has posted on fb about how she's waiting for him to propose (his DD is not hers incidentally). My instinct is to just pretend none of this happened and just move on, it was only casual after all, but I feel bad for this woman. I think I'd want to know if the boot was on the other foot but the thought of emailing her and bursting her bubble sickens me. She is much younger than me, as is he. I feel like such a fool. I don't know what to do for the best. Maybe he will clean up his act after being caught out? What a mess. What should I do?

OP posts:

itsahen · 15/07/2014 07:53

Another vote for Bogeyface's message. She can escape before they have an expensive wedding and a messy divorce

smokedgarlic · 15/07/2014 07:53

Tell her . I wish I had known what a cheating dog my ex was before I married him . I never would have done and It would have saved me a lot of heartbreak.

GreatAuntDinah · 15/07/2014 07:58

I don't get why you wouldn't say something for fear of looking bitter? Who cares if someone you're never going to meet thinks you're bitter? At least you'd know you'd done the right thing.

HavanaSlife · 15/07/2014 08:08

Id tell her, I doubt she wants to be with a cheating scum bag. She might decide to cut her losses.

She might decide to stay, she might think you are lying but who cares what someone you don't know thinks of you

Original poster

FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 08:12

In all honesty revenge isn't a factor. This guy has been nothing more than a distraction for me in an otherwise busy life. I am not emotionally attached to him. The one thing putting me off telling her is the fact that it isn't going to be one email and done. She is going to want to know everything, understandably, which means entering into a dialogue with her. I want to just forget it and move on but the feeling of guilt will be hanging over me. I'd be so angry if someone knew and hadn't told me.

OP posts:

mumtosome61 · 15/07/2014 08:13

I'd tell her too.

I had a situation like this years ago - guy I had briefly dated a couple of years before resurfaced and we had a month of dates and more, he told me he loved me and regretted not getting with me earlier. I was vulnerable at the time and fell for it.

He then disappeared for a bit on 'work' duties, and I searched for him on Facebook to find he'd just got engaged. He'd been with his girlfriend for a while (and probably when we were dating first time round) and she looked absolutely elated. I found out more about her through mutual friends and she had a severe mental health problem (BPD) - this guy she'd just got engaged to, who had shagged me a week before, was her world. I just stopped messaging him.

I debated for ages whether to tell her, but this guy was clearly manipulative and played the "I'm the good guy" card. I screenshotted conversations and e-mails, just in case, but could never tell her. I knew he'd blag his way out of it, plus she would suffer terribly if that doubt was planted in her mind - he would be able to convince her otherwise and although I couldn't give a shit what happened to him, the thought of her mental health declining was the deal breaker for me - she wasn't stable enough to deal with it.

In hindsight, I do think I should have tried to tell her. They are married now - he never knew I found out, and tried to reengage with me a month after they married, asking me to spend the weekend with him in London . I feel so sorry for her - he's a rat and a very good blagger. I kept all the screenshots though.

Natalie98 · 15/07/2014 08:16

I'd tell her too, and leave it for her to decide what to do about there relationship..

scaevola · 15/07/2014 08:17

"I'd be so angry if someone knew and hadn't told me."

I think that gives you your answer. Yes, it may well prove to be a horrible episode for you. But it's also about your standards and how important 'do as you would be done by' is to you.

Original poster

FeelingDumb · 15/07/2014 08:26

Very true scaevola. I think I was hoping everyone would say leave it tbh. But I know what I would want if I was her. I just need to muster up the courage to do it. I feel like I'm the one in the wrong ffs!

OP posts:

akaWisey · 15/07/2014 08:36

I think the guilt you'd feel is misplaced. He took the risk and cheated, not you.

If you choose to tell her you might have to get into a dialogue, but my guess is it would be fairly brief - dates, times, places, what he said about himself etc.

You could anticipate that and just give the information - you know from the relationships board this is what many women wish they could find out but in many cases never do.

If it were me (and it has been) I would want to know but I'd want it said kindly and with compassion. That's the most important thing IMO.

Good luck

Joysmum · 15/07/2014 09:58

I'd tell her too. It's not her fault her boyfriend is a lying cheat and why should she have to suffer. Better for her to know and make her own choices than not to have the knowledge and have that right taken away from her.

The only reason not to say anything is because it'd be awkward for you. Your temporary awkwardness is less important than this girls whole future.

WellnowImFucked · 15/07/2014 10:32

I'd tell her and am struggling with something similar but I am 2 people removed from the situation. May actually start a thread.

But through supporting a friend through a messy break up she's just about got back on her feet and its now coming out that not only was he emotionally/financially abusive, but he was screwing around too.

This has knocked her right back as she feels that those who knew also deceived her; which is different to your situation.

But she feels that this knowledge would have been something concrete to break up with him for. He was so good at playing the nice guy, so many of 'their' friends were doing the whole guilt trip for him. Oh you can work on it / I'm sure he didn't mean it/ Maybe you misunderstood.

Yes she might have got the same if she said he cheated, but she would have been firmer in her own mind.

You don't know that this poor women isn't going mad, wondering what hes up to where he is etc. etc.

If she has the information she can make an informed decision, maybe it will be a wake up call, or maybe hes on his final chance.

CavaSupernova · 15/07/2014 12:20

Hi, I was told my ex-husband was 'playing away' via the medium of an anonymous letter posted through the door.

He was a highly manipulative person and came up with loads of plausible excuses as to why his profile was on a casual sex website with 11,000 profile hits.

Honestly, it sounds implausible, but the part of me that wanted to stay married, really, really, really wanted to believe him, and was clinging on to his bullshit excuses.

That letter saved me though - our relationship was abusive, had been getting worse for years, and it finally gave me the impetus to leave.

If you tell this woman, there's a chance she'll end up staying with this guy, but at least a scum bag will have been called out.

I'm so glad I was told, even though it was horrendous at the time.

The person who sent the letter to me didn't do it out of goodwill. At least your motives aren't malicious and hopefully this woman will recognise that at some level.

OvertiredandConfused · 15/07/2014 12:26

OP, you are clearly a decent person and believe that you should "do as you would be done by". This gives you your answer.

You can step back at any point and, again, I suspect your instincts on when to do that will also be right. Trust yourself.

Good luck.

isseywithcats · 15/07/2014 15:40

i wouldnt tell her i was seeing someone on a casual basis and the good friend he had on facebook turned into his wife recently so he was deffo seeing both of us at the same time, she is a lovely lady and does not deserve to have her world cave in, i could easily message her and tell her just what her husband is like, but why should i destroy another womanthe way i was destroyed when i found out my husband was cheating on me, i wish i had never found out ignorance was definitely bliss,

warysara · 15/07/2014 15:52

Always a difficult call. I've been told my partner was having an affair (although I already knew) and actually didn't appreciate it as it wasn't any of this persons business.

But that was perhaps as I already knew so my annoyance was just misplaced.

ajandjjmum · 15/07/2014 15:54

But they're married now Issey - OP has time to put her in the picture, so she can make her decision from a point of knowledge iykwim.

What about sending first message saying 'I shall shortly send you another message - your choice whether you read it or delete it, but you won't like what's in it'. Or is that just silly?

MyLatest · 15/07/2014 16:23

I would tell her. Bogey's message was excellent use it. I occasionally roll my eyes at sisterhood stuff but for me this is a no-brainer. I would rather have the truth however painful than be made a fool of by a lying prick. I would therefore feel duty bound to tell her.

MexicanSpringtime · 15/07/2014 16:27

The one thing putting me off telling her is the fact that it isn't going to be one email and done. She is going to want to know everything, understandably, which means entering into a dialogue with her

You are doing her a favour, you don't have to engage or explain any more than you want to. Just be compassionate, as you obviously are.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2014 16:28

I'd say he was two timing both of you. Which isn't quite the same thing as you being the OW IMHO. He's still a liar and a cheat. Not sure about telling her.

FanFuckingTastic · 15/07/2014 16:58

If he's doing it to her, he might possibly be having casual sex even outside of what he was doing with you. I'd personally want to know about the risk of STD and that the man i was with was untrustworthy and had put my sexual health at risk. In the most kind way possible I'd send a message, telling her you've only just found out about her. Then can make her own choices from there.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 15/07/2014 17:00

Of course you should tell her. Have you got emails or anything that can prove you're not a malicious troublemaker? Sorry you're in this position.

steppemum · 15/07/2014 17:16

please tell her.

I might feel differently if their circumstances were different, but she is waiting for him to propose, and in a couple of years she could be married to him with a baby and then discover he is a cheat. Much better for her to know now, then she has the information to make a choice.

Bogeyface email was perfect, not emotional, just letting her know the facts etc.

Nomama · 15/07/2014 17:37

I'm with Vivienne, he is 2 timing both of you, you are not 'The Other Woman'.

Maybe something like this would feel comfortable:

Dear X,
I have recently found out that have been sharing a boyfriend since February. Now that I am aware of your existence I have told him I no longer wish to see him. I am telling you this so that you can come to an informed decision regarding your relationship with him.
Yours,

Cabrinha · 15/07/2014 17:44

Can someone explain to me why so many people in this type of thread use "she may know anyway" as a reason NOT to tell? Surely that's a good reason TO tell? Because there's no bother.

I would tell unless it is in your personal interests not to. I find myself in the latter position, sort of - in that I have evidence that my ex is already sleeping with prostitutes 6 weeks into his new relationship. Arsehole.

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