Dark clouds on horizon?

[FirstlyANameChange]

So, only been seeing this guy for a year and a bit. We click very well, he makes me feel great when I'm around him, tells me I'm beautiful, and smart and all of that.
But, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after a previous miscarriage (with ex-partner), and DP wants kids of his own very badly. When I first told him (after a couple of months because it's weird thing to say on a first date), he acted like I'd tricked him. But we got over it and moved on. He's pushing me to find out about surrogacy (he doesn't want to adopt), even though he's saying he doesn't much like it as an option. He says "if things work out between us" all the time with regards any future plans, and I'm starting to get gut-clenching feelings. It took me a long time to accept what happened, and I'm feeling that he's going to dump me for not being able to have his kids. I love him, but is it maybe best to cut and run, because I know to be dumped for that reason will break me. Or maybe I'm just being overly-pessimistic?

I'm doing good Gloria, thank you for asking. I spent last night catching up with a couple of friends, and thinking a bit more about things that are wrong with himself and I.
What you said about constantly watching for approval, that really chimed with me. He's a bit older than me, and I think he uses it to add weight to his opinions.
The scar is horrible (I remember my GP when she first saw it looking down and just saying "oh dear" very slowly), but yes, it is still me.
I'm so sorry your ex said that to you btw (is it not scary how many really odd men there are?), and thanks for saying I'm still young

Meerka I don't think he'd be violent, though there is something...I don't know, below his surface. He's never been angry, just cold and sometimes cruel. Subtle is the word, I'm so embarrassed at how weak I feel about this. I really thought I was careful.

firstly, I am glad you went out last night and had a nice time. Constantly watching for approval is awful - especially since he will never give it, however hard you try. You may make yourself ill trying - I did.

You ARE still young!! I am way nearer 50 than 30!!!

Yes, your scar is part of you, and a man who loves you will love it too - and like your ex, be gentle with it and your feelings about it.

Please do not feel weak. You are strong because you are facing up to what this relationship is.

I didn't think my ex would be violent either, but there was a streak in him too, and it scared me. You sound as though you are not sure. It is time to get out, before he does cross the line into physical as well as emotional abuse. It is a fine line between being emotionally cruel and cold, and taking that a step further.

I thought I was careful too - but the abuser has a modus operandi - he sucks you in by being very romantic, thoughtful, caring, kind, reliable - and then slowly slowly he changes and you find yourself doing all you can to get the lovely man you first met back. Unfortunately, that man doesn't really exist - it was all an act. But you were not weak to fall for it, and nor was I. On the contrary, you are strong to have seen it for what it is, and decided to call time.

Good that he'd not be violent, but just having someone around may well help keep him a little bit on his 'best behaviour'.

You know now, and you're not weak. And you got friends and mumsnet to help you next time.

Friend of mine who was in your position only she was much much slower to realise what went on, when she finally got out, she said she was never going out with someone unless 90% of her friends liked him =)

I think you really do have the measure of this awful man. Subtle cruelty may well be the crafted, skilled version of his spontaneous nastiness.

You seem to have made the decision to end it too. I am sooo relieved.

So, you know what? Why worry about the how of it? Don't put yourself in a situation where he can play mind games with you and exploit your very genuine sensitivity. End it by text if you like. It's over and your safe extrication means more to me than manners, so there!

I had a bad day yesterday. I didn't contact him during our 'scheduled' times, and as a result he turned up (I work evenings on weds) and told me off for not contacting him. I didn't want the conflict there, so I grudgingly apologised just to get him to stop looking at me like I was responsible for all the pain in the world, frowning and his eyes were so cold. Eventually he kept picking at me, and I just walked away from him. Today he's calling me unstable (!) and basically odd and that I'd been abusive and violent to him by walking away. I know he's the strange one here (he is right?) but he's got me good enough to feel a little twinge of doubt. I wish I hadn't apologised, I feel all low and wrong, it's so strange. I suppose at least this is definitely the end, not exactly on my terms though.

I think now is the time to end it, by text, or phone call. A simple " this is no longer working for me, please do not contact me again" will suffice. Then switch off phone and go away for your weekend. Have Strength.

Have read the full thread and believe that you should end this relationships right now. He is becoming increasingly possessive, abusive imo and bloody weird. He is trying to gaslight you by making you doubt your feelings and actions and all I can say about 'scheduled times' is: WTAF??!?!

A text message or very short phone call to finish this is required and if he turns up at your house etc. call the police immediately. He is the one who sounds unhinged to me.

Totally agree with the others. You took back some control and he didn't like it.

You need to end it

This is not going to get better. The more you try and assert yourself, the more he will ramp up the abuse

You are "violent" for not engaging with him ?

Examine that statement carefully. He is laying the foundations to justify hitting you. Sinister indeed.

One text.

This isn't going to work. It's best that you and I end our relationship. I wish you all the best for the future, and feel it's best if there is no further contact.

Job done.

When a man like this hurls labels like “abusive" and "violent" it's because they are words the considers describes himself.

Classic traits. Don't look back, only forward as you leave him for dust!

Oh yes, please end it on your terms. Don't let him make you feel unhinged, you're not.

A short text should do it and make it clear about no contact.
Have a great week end away.
You are so young!
I think I would have thrown him back after the "false advertising" comment. How dare he treat you like damaged goods.

Looks like a lucky escape to me.

I know he's the strange one here (he is right?)

Right. he's the strange one here. Very strange.

As you say, it's not working. If he's calling you strange and unstable now ... what'd it be like in the future whne you displease him?

I don't usually comment on the Relationships boards but please Op, I totally agree with the other posters who are saying end this now.

Oh god, NameChange, please make this the end of the relationship - scheduled times for contact, and a reaction like that when you don't get in touch? That's not right at all. It doesn't get any better from here.

This guy is an arse. Dump him pronto and go have fun on your girls weekend.

Im basing this answer on your first post so that nothing muddies the waters for me:-

He sounds like not very nice person, and this bit about 'if it works out' comes across to me as if he's saying 'aha I shall keep her dangling and because of the hysterectomy it will make her desperate to please me and please me some more again for a whole host of reasons. And I will make her feel so bad about herself she will never consider there are other people out there who would be happy to share their life with her as things stand'. I will have got her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is a bully, a manipulator, and control freak.

He wants you to have a baby bit doesn't want to live with you?!

I think the wanting another child is a red herring. He is successfully finding reasons to be nasty to you.

Good luck for the future and LTB

I too suspect that he sees you having had a hysterectomy as your Achilles Heel and that he is using t as a tool to manipulate you and make you feel bad.
He is showing his true colours but afterwards will berate himself for being so overt.

Yu have had the blueprint for loving from your ex who treated you well. Please strive in the future for something closer to that, not this ghastly bastard!

Just a finalpost to say thanks everyone for the comments- tough love is what I needed.
I have LTB, though I managed to acquire a broken arm in the process...
I shall write myself some rules for Future Relationships based on sage advice fromMN's.
Feel so much freer, weight lifted and all of that, and it really was you smart people that helped. So thanks and for all

I do hope the broken arm was acquired in a drunken celebration with your bessie mates, sliding off a kerb, maybe!

Well done for extricating yourself, have fun!

I have LTB, though I managed to acquire a broken arm in the process...

HOLY SHIT

Well done for getting out but sorry about your arm.

Oh. ...I am shocked by the broken arm bit. If you feel you can it would be good to hear the whole story. I wonder what makes a man turne violent suddenly. We all fear it.

Broken arm !!

Please say that he did not break your arm!