Dark clouds on horizon?

[FirstlyANameChange]

So, only been seeing this guy for a year and a bit. We click very well, he makes me feel great when I'm around him, tells me I'm beautiful, and smart and all of that.
But, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after a previous miscarriage (with ex-partner), and DP wants kids of his own very badly. When I first told him (after a couple of months because it's weird thing to say on a first date), he acted like I'd tricked him. But we got over it and moved on. He's pushing me to find out about surrogacy (he doesn't want to adopt), even though he's saying he doesn't much like it as an option. He says "if things work out between us" all the time with regards any future plans, and I'm starting to get gut-clenching feelings. It took me a long time to accept what happened, and I'm feeling that he's going to dump me for not being able to have his kids. I love him, but is it maybe best to cut and run, because I know to be dumped for that reason will break me. Or maybe I'm just being overly-pessimistic?

You are no less a woman. He is not a real man.

I'm a bit sad, but i guess i can't go on with this. Can't break up by text though, that's not right to my mind. I'm astonished at how fragile I feel thinking about breaking up with him. I always thought i'd be able to recognise someone undermining me (pride comes before a big dark hole of self-doubt).

You deserve better than this, love

Cheers chuck, I do appreciate it.

OP, don't feel bad about having been subtly and gradually altered by this man, it has happened to me and I am made of Teflon, Kevlar and razor wire! He is just very very good at what he does, that is all and because you are a nice and trusting person, you would not have seen it coming. You are wise to it now though and so must use your new found knowledge to your own benefit in the long term.
The fact that you got back on your feet after the trauma and were a happy and fully functioning person after shows what you are capable of. The fact you are now are doubting yourself is his work not yours. You may not see him as vile, he may not be, but what he has done and continues to do to you is. He is not accepting you as you are and that is the biggest red flag to me. Let him try his magic on some other poor bugger!

An emergency hysterectomy is a huge thing to comes to terms with, which you say you have but this man is making you feel bad on several levels. I

I'd say he isn't the right man for your future. There will be others who are.

I tried very hard to see both points of view before but...

"False advertising"????? Wtf????

So... hold on a teeny weeny minute... what if he was with someone who could get pregnant but very sadly suffered a miscarriage? If you are a false advertiser, what the hell would she be?

You really, really do not need this sort of fuckwittage in your life. A year of your life is more than enough to have given him. I know it's gut wrenching to walk away but .....

(By the way, my bf and I have a fictional town where we send men like this. We've called it Wankery. Your bloke can have a one-way ticket on me.)

Dinnae- I think I need the razor wire- do you know a good supplier?!
Thanks though, it's funny to look back and see yourself wandering down a path that you'd have warned anybody else from. And then you wonder if you're an idiot or weak or something.

YvY Wankery- sounds sort of cute and rural and West Country-ey...He'd hate it, doesn't like the countryside

"I always thought i'd be able to recognise someone undermining me (pride comes before a big dark hole of self-doubt)".

Abuse like you have experienced though is insidious in its onset and they can also be nice sometimes. Its a continuous cycle. What happens too is that the power and control ante ramps up over time along with the lessening of the "good times" which were actually not so good after all. You need to also stop making excuses for him.

Abusive men like this chancer like supposedly strong women (but also with inwardly shaky self worth) to bring them down further with them.

What do you get out of this relationship?. I see nothing at all positive within this for you. This unhealthy relationship simply has to end and asap.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

It's very rural. It's also walled. With electric fencing along the top. I wouldn't say it was cute though...

Ha, just been giggling away to myself at possibilities of what's inside the electric fence Yvy. For some reason there's a lot of poking with pointy things in delicate parts...

attila I suppose I felt I could rely on him...funny i was going to say "he's always available to talk", but he isn't actually. We have set times for contact, which I found good because I don't like clingy at all, so seemed a good thing, but looking back it's been a little strict and lonely somehow.

What are you going to do, OP ?

AF I'm not due to see him til after my away-weekend this weekend. So I could just go, put him in the back of my mind and have fun. Or confront him some evening this week, (he lives about an hour away), and be miserable and a wet blanket for the weekend (which is mainly in aid of celebrating a friend up who's had a tough couple of years and is finally putting stuff to rest). Not sure if I'm being an ostrich and making delaying excuses or am actually being sensible to wait til after.

Only you know if you are making delaying excuses.

OP, I have been in a relationship that is similar to what you describe. It is emotional abuse. He is undermining you, subtly (and not so subtly) undermining your confidence, and making you question yourself. He does not accept you for who you are. However much you change yourself, it will not be enough for him. He doesn't sound as though he loves you, but that he wants to control you. Lots of the things you are saying are waving massive red flags at me - you have set times for contact (wtf is that all about?? He just wants you when and where he wants you, and not otherwise?), he said you were using "false advertising" (my ex said that about me, those exact words, but about a facet of my appearance. It is aimed at undermining your self esteem and confidence, and it is aimed to kick you exactly where it hurts). I made excuses for my ex for a long time - "oh he's tired", "he's having a hard time at work", "he's just not that sociable" etc etc. No, actually he was just an abusive arsehole.

I compare my relationship to a slot machine - you put in coins (or invest emotionally), and every so often, you get a reward out, which is just enough to keep you putting in more emotional 'coins'. Over time it will get worse, but you become addicted.

You say you feel fragile about breaking up, but it sounds as though you know in your heart it is the right thing to do. Why are you feeling fragile? Is it because he will persuade you not to do it? My ex did this numerous times, so be prepared for that.

I thank goodness you aren't living with him. I was, and it was a nightmare to escape from. But I will be forever glad that I was strong enough to do it, even though it was shitty at the time.

Also, think of your DD - what made a big difference for me was when I began to see that my ex's abuse of me was having an impact on my DD. He had started using bullying tactics on her, and was undermining her confidence too - humiliating her and making her feel small.

If your gut is saying it isn't right, please listen to it. Why do you stick with a relationship that is "strict and lonely"? - you don't. You deserve a relationship that is open and honest, and loving and kind.

Good luck to you OP.

Gloria said it, right there, and she has lived it

Yes, sadly AF.

A couple of other things I thought after posting OP - if your friends and family are questioning the relationship, then do listen. My friends and family did this, although the true extent of their concern only came out after I had finished the relationship.

Also, you may be thinking that you'll be lonely/unable to cope/bereft without him. This is all part of the tactics he will be using - making you dependent on him.

Think about this - if he asked you to marry him today, and move in with him, what would you think? Would you think "hurray, I am so happy and in love", or would you think "this would not be the right thing to do".

Also think, would you want your DD to be in a relationship like this when she grows up? She will learn lessons about relationships by modelling what you show her about yours. That was another big push for me - I wanted my DD to see that I got out of an unhappy relationship, not that I stuck with an abusive P who hurt me, undermined me, and made me cry and feel so lonely on a regular basis. I thank god now that I didn't have any children with him (mine are from a previous marriage), as leaving him meant that I was then free from him, and I never had to have contact again, although he tried damn hard to keep up the abuse even after I left. But by then, I could see our relationship from the outside, not from the inside, and I didn't like what I saw.

Sending hugs to you.

Wow Firstly what a journey you have had on this thread! Well done for getting here!

I wanted to highlight one thing:

Not sure if I'm being an ostrich and making delaying excuses or am actually being sensible to wait til after.

This man is not significant enough to ruin your much planned and needed weekend away, you don't need to tell him anything, at any point, or make any special gestures/effort to communicate with him your decision to walk away.

go on your weekend and have a super time, don't think about him at all, think only of yourself and your friends, your DD and the rest of your life, which once you have got rid of this woefully pitiful and revolting creature, will be filled with a heck of a lot more hope and expectations than it would be if you wasted another second on him.

Don't call him, don't reply to anything other than in a perfunctory manner, when you have time, end it. He doesn't deserve anything more than this.

You have been with him about a year, that is nothing in the scheme of things, it's hugely disappointing, but it's HIM that let YOU down, remember this?

You will be OK, as long as you do get rid. Keep posting, you'll find the support of MN extremely valuable.

Agree with what Hisy said

Do this on your own time scale

but do it

Let him go.

Agree too with hissy.

Yes, it is only a year - be proud that you have spotted him and got rid quickly. It took me a lot longer!

Don't let him spoil your weekend. Go on it, and deal with him when you get back. If you tell your girlfriends some of the stories you've told here over the weekend, they will no doubt strengthen your resolve.

Gloria that sounds so horrible, and I'm glad you're happy now. It's hard to have perspective but I did/do know something's up. My ex was a totally irresponsible free spirit but we loved each other like old slippers and he never made me feel bad, and used to tenderly stroke the horrible scar i have (which present bloke never touches if he can help it- and it's funny how i'd noticed that but had refused to think about it). My DD does seem to really like him, but he is quite strict with her, and I think somehow already knows how to withhold attention/affection from her to get her to do what he wants, which is a style of parenting I don't use, but they aren't around each other that much (I tend to meet him when she's at her dad's) so hopefully she won't be too sad not to see him again.

Funnily enough, for a little while I did want to marry him, but I think it's just that I'm almost 30 and feeling that I want to settle after a few random years, and he's def a traditional marriage sort of guy.

I hope your horrible ex's false advertising wasn't about bra sizes and padding. I went mental at a male friend over that recently (he used a similar phrase), i was possibly projecting a little

Hissy thanks for the advice, and I will keep posting, it's really really helped me to look at things more clearly.

Firstly, thank you :-)

That is so sad about your scar - your partner ought to love every bit of you. And as for being strict with your DD - my ex was very strict with my DD, and his own DD too - and it backfires. There is strict and fair, and there is strict and mean. He was strict and mean. Witholding affection from someone to get them to do what you want is also abusive. Ex used to do that to me and the DCs. So you end up doing two things - 1) tiptoeing around in case you displease them and incur the wrath, and being worried all the time about whether you're doing something wrong, and 2) checking your every move so that you can anticipate in advance any problems and stop them occurring - which results in you living on eggshells, and then being criticised for not being able to make a decision. So it's a no win situation.

I've just seen you're only 30 - oh my god you are YOUNG!!!! You have your whole life ahead of you! Do not waste any more precious time on this twat!!!!

And OMG, yes the false advertising was about exactly that.... Exactly that. He said it was a "joke", but really it was getting at me for my size....

firstly he sounds very good at working on you subtly.

Is it possible he'll talk you round? Against your will?

If so - well this thread has obviously been an eye opener. Before you talk to him, write down a list of the things you've realised here and any others you can think of, or your friends mention. Put it in your pocket when you have the Talk. Make it cardboard so it digs into your groin slightly and reminds you it's there. A good bullshitter will have you believing pink is green, keeping your feet on the ground will help.

Suggest you break up in a public place, a cafe or something. But if you really can't and want to do it at home, consider have a friend round and upstairs in the house when you have the Talk. Having someone in the house will give you confidence and juuuuuuuuuuuust in case there's a chance of things escalating, it'll help keep things a bit calmer.

How are you doing Op?