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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dark clouds on horizon?

110 replies

FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 20:57

So, only been seeing this guy for a year and a bit. We click very well, he makes me feel great when I'm around him, tells me I'm beautiful, and smart and all of that.
But, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after a previous miscarriage (with ex-partner), and DP wants kids of his own very badly. When I first told him (after a couple of months because it's weird thing to say on a first date), he acted like I'd tricked him. But we got over it and moved on. He's pushing me to find out about surrogacy (he doesn't want to adopt), even though he's saying he doesn't much like it as an option. He says "if things work out between us" all the time with regards any future plans, and I'm starting to get gut-clenching feelings. It took me a long time to accept what happened, and I'm feeling that he's going to dump me for not being able to have his kids. I love him, but is it maybe best to cut and run, because I know to be dumped for that reason will break me. Or maybe I'm just being overly-pessimistic?

OP posts:
Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:40

Cats- he does make me happy, sometimes ott glowing happy. But then I feel all worried and now, looking at some things that i'd been ignoring, I think I can't go on without lying to myself.
I needed an honest perspective, as my friends are a bit judgemental/ overprotective of me.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 14/07/2014 22:52

Presumably your hysterectomy was a big deal for you? Possibly painful that you won't he able to have anymore children? Difficult to tell him about?

And he reacts by accusing you of tricking him. He's a real prize isn't he? I couldn't get past that I am afraid.

Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:57

I was 21 when I had my hysterectomy, it was a very big deal and I was very upset.
I did think it was over when he said that, esp when he asked for time to decide. The more I write it, the worse it sounds. Mostly because he never apologised for saying I'd tricked him. Actually (oh god, I'b blocked it out) he said "false advertising".

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/07/2014 22:58

I think there's a big difference between not being able to have children and not wanting them.

If he does and you don't then you're incompatible.

If he does and you do and you both want to look into your options then you're still compatible.

Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 22:59

And yes, it was the worst, most painful conversation I've had in a long while.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/07/2014 22:59

He is so verbally unkind to you.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:00

False advertising ?

Why on earth did you even give him the time of day after that ?

You are trying to be the woman he wants ? What's that then ? A shell of a person who can never please the Big I AM ?

he is vile, I stand by that a thousand times

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:01

this twat is incompatible with any woman who has an ounce of self esteem

OP, you say you are normally tough. What the fuck happened to you ?

BitchPeas · 14/07/2014 23:04

False advertising??

He sounds vile. You could do so much better OP. Don't change for him, don't let him control you. Kick him to the curb, because your worth it Smile

NickiFury · 14/07/2014 23:06

Oh he's horrendous!!!!! Angry

Please dump him. I can see why you might think he's your only option after that reaction. Do you worry that other men might turn on you (because that's what he did) like that?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:08

Women as walking wombs. This man hates women.

Catsmamma · 14/07/2014 23:08

he is already manipulating and blaming you....and as for "if things work out" ....he really does think he is a prize to be had.

the girls' weekend issue is the shape of things to come and as for him ruling the roost over you helping out a friend, again not his place but he manipulated you and got his way.

We're obviously coming at this from the thin end of the wedge, but really if your best friend has firm opinions I'd advise you listen to them and really reassess the way he behaves and how it makes you feel.

Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 23:09

I don't know. I didn't notice myself becoming dependent until I started to feel randomly worried about stuff. And I noticed myself starting to apologise and do things I'd never do.

AF, though you are not exactly a delicate writer, it's good to hear. I think I am/was in serious danger because (i am actually ashamed but i need to say it to be honest and see myself here) I was grateful when he decided he would stay with me after I told him. Somehow I feel/felt he's better than me, and I don't know how that's happened. I'm not a low self-esteem person!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:11

He's not better than you, he is a cunt.

Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 23:28

Nicki, I suppose i do worry about the future and telling. I don't tell many people, it's personal, and not really relevant in day to day life.

AF, I think you're waking me up. Rudely yes, but thanks.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:30

I don't mean to be rude. I don't think my strong stance is anywhere near unjustified though. I bet your friends would be saying the same if they thought you were listening.

wallypops · 14/07/2014 23:32

You need to run. My ex did the same thing to me. I have a std that I picked up at 17. Never given it to anyone but I don't exactly shout about it either. I certainly don't tell random short termers. My ex blames me for lying to him. I told him after about a month. He told my 2 & 3 year olds about it after the divorce. He accused me of getting pregnant to trap him, not the case, but he knew I wasn't using contraception and I wanted kids. I'd never have gone out with him if he hadn't said he wanted them. Told me to get an abortion at 13 weeks, when we were engaged.
Sorry your guy is one huge red flag. It's down hill from here for you

Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 23:37

No, I wasn't complaining. Delicate, gentle points don't always get through. My best friend is a bit swept up in her personal life atm, but she doesn't like him for two reasons: 1. the above mentioned comment, and 2. he's prejudiced against gay people (she's gay). I don't like his views on that, and told him never to say them to me, i do believe people have the right to their own opinions. But I suppose it's another thing that makes us wrong for each other.

My other very close friend doesn't like him either as she was the first person I talked to that night, and it's rare for me to let my emotions spill over like i did.

Straight talking is something I value, and I didn't come on here to be petted. I needed advice, and my head feels clearer than it has for months, so thank you all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:38

he is a homophobe as well as a woman hater

not looking good

areyoumymother · 14/07/2014 23:39

'False advertising'!! My FIL said that about me, OP. He's also dreadful.

This man doesn't love you in the way you deserve to be loved. And it's highly likely he will dump you for this reason. If you can't stand that, definitely run.

In addition, he sounds very controlling and not worth having, really. You'll be glad when you're shot of him (and I've never said LTB!).

Incidentally (and don't embark on this with present partner), I have a surrogate. It works! She's lovely.

areyoumymother · 14/07/2014 23:42

lol at Anyfucker being referred to as not exactly a delicate writer Grin. I always think of her as having permanent PMT.

NickiFury · 14/07/2014 23:45

My lovely dsis had a hysterectomy at the age of 24. She had cancer. She's happily married now to a man who has never made her feel the way this person has you. They too, are looking at surrogacy as they cannot be considered for adoption because of her medical history.

If any man had said to her what he has said to you I would be beside myself, I can't help but relate your situation to hers and I am so angry and sad for you.

chalkcircle · 14/07/2014 23:46

He's a homophobe and he accused you of "false advertising" when he found out you weren't a walking incubator like he assumes all women should be. He's not coming off well here, I have to say.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 23:54

I have never suffered a day of PMT in my life Smile

This man gives me the rage though

Original poster
FirstlyANameChange · 14/07/2014 23:57

No, he isn't. I keep making excuses for him, but he really doesn't look great when i write it all down.

areyoumymother thank you for your comment, and congratulations!

nicki thanks as well, it's really really comforting to hear of your sis and her dh, that they sound so happy, and that (deep breath) not being able to have kids doesn't make me less of a woman.

OP posts: