Has anyone known a man to change for the better when having a baby?

[Whatawastedday]

I've n/c for this and don't want to out myself.

I'm pregnant, only found out today and I must be around 5 weeks.

I've been with my do for several years and already have a little boy from my previous relationship.

Dp can be lovely and also a complete arse, he's what some on mnet might call a cocklodger. He works hard, has a mortgage, but he doesn't really contribute anything as such to my household and won't commit himself to us through buying our own house together or getting married.

One of the worst things is he lets me down oh so much, over anything and everything, I can never know whether he will do what he has said he will do, the most recent example is we were supposed to be going away next week just a last minute UK break and today he drops the bombshell that he has changed his annual leave dates as he now doesn't want next week off and told me not to start as he's got enough on his plate.

I haven't told him yet about this pregnancy and at the moment don't even feel as though I want to.

Somewhere inside me I hope he might wake his ideas up but I feel as though I'll spend the next 9 months wondering whether he's going to walk out the door feeling like an insecure wreck.

People have told me over the years that I deserve better, but I feel as though if I did I'd surely have better.

People have told me I could meet someone else but I don't want to, I've never known a man in my whole life who is honest and dependable. I wonder whether I'd just be better off accepting a life on my own with my babies.

No. Sorry.

Another no. Don't settle. There are plenty of good men out there. And I think that being on your own would actually be a lot better for your mental health than staying with someone you already know is a cocklodger.

When there's a baby and therefore a lot more to be done, and it's all down to you because he's still doing nothing, you'll end up hating him and yourself.

No no no NO ... they DON'T change for the better when the woman has a child. In your case, OP, it sound pretty dire now and it'll get far far worse. At least you recognise that he's a cock-lodger - is this really what you want in your life, for you and your child?

Of course you don't and yes, you'd be far better off without that leech attached to you.

No. A life raising your children and getting fulfilment from friendships, work and maybe some fun time with men is a million times better than life shackled to an unreliable arse.

It wouldn't be fair to say he doesn't do anything.

He works really hard, he does stuff round the house, he brings me coffee and breakfast in bed, ok he doesn't get the mop or the Hoover out, but he will cook and do bits of DIY.

It's more he's just not committed to me, he doesn't invest anything permanent into our relationship.

If people who care about you are spontaneously saying you deserve better, that tells you a lot.

"People have told me over the years that I deserve better, but I feel as though if I did I'd surely have better. "

You've been with this guy for years so there's been no opportunity for Mr Better.

Not in my experience, no.

I can't honestly think of one completely decent single man I've ever met, in terms of not being either a liar, cheat, lazy, gambling addict, you name it. Even a lot of the seemingly decent men I've known who have been married to friends have turned out to be cheats, and the few who seem to be genuinely good guys are very happily in relationships already, I suppose I just don't believe that I'll ever meet one.

No I do not think they do. They most normally get worse. Get out. Stop waiting for him to change- he won't.

I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.

No, they don't get better. Make a new life for you and your ds (no matter what you decide with this pregnancy) because a life of just you and ds would be better than with the one currently expecting you to be grateful that he cooks when he feels like it.

And for the record, there are lovely, genuine men out there. Both my BIL and a friend fit into this category, and both became single when their wives decided that having an affair was more fun.

No.

Stats show that a lot of them actually get worse.

Over 70% of domestic violence starts in pregnancy of within 1 year of a woman giving birth to a child.

You don't sound happy with him. You don't have to stay with him.

Decent men look at women who are with other men and walk on by because they're not interested in cheating etc.

By being with him, you are ensuring that a decent man will not come your way.

If he wanted to be a better partner/commit he already would be. A baby is a pressure on him, an expectation. He might promise the right things but it wouldnt be him. Not who he is. Who he thinks he needs to be to keep you. It would be a temporary effort if it happened at all.

Who he is now IS who he is.

The freedom, independence, fulfilment and fun of being on your own is a billion times better than being constantly let down by some unreliable arse. I have never know a man to change for the better after a baby - but I have known a lot change for the worse.

You have a low opinion of men, which isn't great for the mother of a son. There are lots of good guys out there, just as there are lots of good women. They may not be perfect but there's a difference between that and what you're putting up with out of some misguided sense that if the universe wanted better for you, it would have arranged it on your behalf.

He works hard to pay off his own mortgage. He doesn't work hard to put food on your table.

Babies and marriage dont fix relatonships - they are added extras to good relationships.

You may need to look at whether you want to raise this baby as a single parent.

No, God no, no, no!

Newborns don't tend to bring out the best in people. They particularly seem to bring out the worst in selfish, immature men.

It will be easier alone.

You seem to have very low expectations from men. What were your male role models like growing up?

I really just don't know what to do or to think. Tell dp I'm pregnant and hope that he sorts his act out over the next few months. Tell him I'm pregnant and that I want to break up. Just not tell him but break up anyway to save myself the heartache.

I don't think that ending the pregnancy is an option for me. I'm at the age that I'll be unlikely to have another chance.

Well only you know him, but I would tell him and see how he reacts. Then make your decision based on that.

Are you financially Independent?

Hell no! They absolutely get worse.

Think long and hard about what your life ahead would be like with a cocklodger and a baby.

I think I know what I would do in your position but I'm old and seen it all before and CBA with it.