Has anyone known a man to change for the better when having a baby?

[Whatawastedday]

I've n/c for this and don't want to out myself.

I'm pregnant, only found out today and I must be around 5 weeks.

I've been with my do for several years and already have a little boy from my previous relationship.

Dp can be lovely and also a complete arse, he's what some on mnet might call a cocklodger. He works hard, has a mortgage, but he doesn't really contribute anything as such to my household and won't commit himself to us through buying our own house together or getting married.

One of the worst things is he lets me down oh so much, over anything and everything, I can never know whether he will do what he has said he will do, the most recent example is we were supposed to be going away next week just a last minute UK break and today he drops the bombshell that he has changed his annual leave dates as he now doesn't want next week off and told me not to start as he's got enough on his plate.

I haven't told him yet about this pregnancy and at the moment don't even feel as though I want to.

Somewhere inside me I hope he might wake his ideas up but I feel as though I'll spend the next 9 months wondering whether he's going to walk out the door feeling like an insecure wreck.

Job number one is to decide once and for all if this is a relationship you want to continue in. Regardless of the baby and discounting him changing (because he wont).

Then decide when and what to tell him about the baby.

How old are you?

I'm not over the hill but I'm of an age that I definitely wouldn't want to be starting to have more children in 2, 3 years time.

I know that age isn't a reason to have a baby, I always thought that I would have more children, just not exactly like this.

I'm financially independent in respect that I have a secure home, a secure job.

Dp and I have talked about children and he's always said he'd want more someday.

Okay, mine did, in terms of ditching his mediocre job, cutting his shoulder length hair and going out getting a much better job. He also went from being completely panicky about the baby, (questioning whether we should keep him, even though he was planned), to being hopelessly besotted from the moment he was born.

Big disclaimer here, my DP was never one of the really bad guys but he was a complete slacker. In the early days I was with him for his looks more than anything, if truth be told. He has turned into the best man I know.

If dp was violent or an addict or something I wouldn't be holding out any hope of him changing.

As it stands I suppose I just think perhaps he's not that bad, but then perhaps I'm kidding myself.

Mine definitely changed for the better (bit like tinkly's) but from all you have said, chances are yours won't. Sorry :( I hope you can find your way forward.

Does he already have children?

Sorry, just seen that you have a son from a previous relationship.
What is your partner like with him?
Is your home your own?

I suppose I just think perhaps he's not that bad

He's not that good, either. And completely selfish.

Just reread the thread. He contributes sod all to the household (you mentioned the giveaway term 'cocklodger') but he brings you breakfast in bed and does the odd DIY stuff around the house.

Well, whoopee ...! Sounds a wonderful bloody future for you and his child. Believe me, you'll be left holding the baby, literally.

I'm trying to think of how to answer how he is with ds and I'm not sure that I can as I'm not sure that I know how he should be with ds.

No in my experience it only gets worse. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear right now

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say, yes, they can change, but only if they want to. Dh was a real cocklodger, no job, no help around the house, no cooking, cleaning etc etc when we got together. I was the main earner, and always have been. I got pregnant unexpectedly with DS1. I had been told that I couldn't conceive naturally, 3 DS's down the line I don't think so DH really stepped up for his child and me, and has sustained it.

He now cooks, cleans, does more housework than me, works full time and earns a decent wage, spends loads of time with all the DS's (3 now) and is fully committed to the family unit. He admits, its because his DF was the same, no real commitment until the first child came along. But then, his DF was a fantastic family man. I would have left if DH hadn't stood up and been a father, and told him so.

Our eldest DS is now 24 yo, so, DH changed a long time ago, and has sustained it.

How bad would it be to be a single parent of two?

Bad in what sense? People hoiking their judgey pants? Fuck 'em. Difficult, practically or financially? don't know. lots of people on here say it's fine relative to being with a cock lodger.

you think you want to keep the baby; you don't think your dp is the right sort of father material for you to have in your life. I think you need to clarify what you would want him to do, for you to want to have him around, and give him a chance. Not "I beg you to stay and do these things for me" but "if you want to hang around, this is how things need to be." and be prepared to cut your losses.

maybe. but then again it doesn't sound like you like him much, no matter how reliable he is prepared to be

It is great that you know you are in control! you are mistress of your destiny.
Congratulations.

I could cope financially and practically I'm sure I could, I've done it once, I'm not sure I could cope with the judgement from others.

I do like dp, if course I do, only I'm scared of going through 9 months if hoping only to be let down with a new born baby.

I went through it before and it almost ruined the early months of my time with my beautiful ds. When I look at photos of my ds as a baby I find it hard to remember how well I coped, all of the lovely cuddles and the baby smell, what a happy baby he was. I just remember the heartache and feeling of rejection of a relationship crumbling.

I'd almost rather know where I stood from the start. But then dp isn't my ex.

Well my dp/now dh did. Recently separated when I met him, fucked me around for 3 years - lots of angst and failure to commit. Lots of dumping/dunno what I want blah blah. I always had faith in him though.

I accidentally got pregnant, took the test at his flat whilst he was v hungover without telling him. I emerged with a wobbly hand and a positive test and he said that this moment crystallised everything. 9 years on I can truly say he is a wonderous, fantastic, immense human being/partner and dad. Intensely loyal, loving, supportive, helpful. He hasn't wavered from that moment.

I think our case is v unusual though.

My dh did. It took several years and we weren't even together as a couple for the first 2 years of dd's life. I was already a single parent & accidentally got pregnant on what was supposed to be a one-nighter. We agreed that having a baby wasn't a reason to get together and he was genuinely hopeless at the time. He's great now and we got married last year when dd was 6.

Im a single parent of two. I had ds1, exp didnt change as he promised so i left, he disappeared for 3 years and joined the navy, got back in touch, convinced me he'd grown up, was ready to be father and partner, seemed to look that way on the outside so i gave him another shot, felt i owed him it, had ds2 (unplanned) and he swiftly fell back into his old behaviours of relaly not actually giving a fuck how i was coping as long as he had a sofa to play PS3 on. So i called it a day, he has them every other weekend and we are all far happier all round. I find it easier parenting without him here.

Hey Basil, interesting that apparently 70% of all DV starts within 12 months of children arriving.

I had a look around and found one report saying it was actually 3%
www.cornwall.gov.uk/media/3626779/CIOS-DA-SV-The-Right-Response.pdf Page 52

and another said it was 30% reported dv starting or escalating during pregnancy
www.florid.org.uk/content/3533/Domestic-Violence-Facts-and-Figures

My DH is a truly decent and lovely man. He has changed for the better since we had DS but he was always decent and lovely. He was apprehensive about having DS but has come into his own as a father - he has a lot of practical and sensible ideas not just about typical dad stuff such as gear/safety (he used to work in a safety-based industry) but also about behaviour stuff which is kind of my training so I was a bit worried he'd be reluctant to speak out.

But he was already a decent and lovely man.

I have also come across in a semi-professional capacity women who have been attacked by a partner during pregnancy.

If your DP is a decent and lovely man already, but just not really your DP, then I imagine you can work things out (as for Yolandi)

This bit:

"we were supposed to be going away next week just a last minute UK break and today he drops the bombshell that he has changed his annual leave dates as he now doesn't want next week off and told me not to start as he's got enough on his plate."

tells me that this particular guy is not going to "change for the better". He's telling exactly where you are in his priorities a) by messing you about and b) by shutting you down.

Sorry OP.

Eekaman - I looked at the Cornwall report and page 52 refers to 30% of domestic violence starting during pregnancy according to national statistics.

Am I looking at the wrong bit?

OP Please take a look at the article in this OP.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2137388-The-reluctant-dad-What-hes-really-thinking