Just a bit of advice please...?

[DadofHarry]

Hi All,

First of all.. my apologies for waffling on so much...

I live with my DP and her DS who is 8 years old and severely autistic. We have been together one year and I love both very much.

My DP also has two grown up DD's both of who, I getting know and think they are great.

I have my own DS also 8 years old from a previous relationship and he stays bi-weekly weekends. I love and adore him

My DP believes that I do not parent my own son very well and because of this she does not want to be around or near him. We have had many arguments and upsets over the same subject which are generally centred his behaviour and how I deal with it.

I do hold my hands up, I probably am the worlds worst, I have in the past, let things slide, not pulled him up on things or after telling him off, hugged him five minutes later instead of being stern and resolute.

I do take on board everything my DP says and I have been trying to work on my own parenting skills as well as adjusting his behaviour. It appears I have a long way to go....

We have just got through another weekend and apart from a couple of issues I thought all was ok. Unfortunately I have been told I am wrong and that the weekend was bad, she doesn't want to be around him and that now, because of his continued behaviour (plus my bad parenting).. we are now over.

This weekend we went to the her DS's school, it was the summer fair and pretty much a great day. My DP, her DS, my DS and one of her DD's came along. Everyone seemed really happy and had fun. We all commented and said it was a really lovely day...

However this morning it appears I am completely wrong.. and the following have caused great upset..

When we went to leave to go to the school my DS rushed and tried to sit in the front passenger seat. He jumped in sat down and when my DP walked over to get in, he smiled at her. I obviously told him to out and into the back, which he did, but my DP was very offended - She has only told me how offended she was this morning.

When we arrived at the school he took a good time to actually get out of the car - to be honest, he took about 3 minutes and was completely phaffing around. The others walked off.. and then stood waiting for him while I had to bark at him to hurry up. This again, as I found out this morning, caused my DP great upset...

Once inside everything was great all the kids had fun, the adults had fun and apart from one incident where I had to pull him up on, it felt like a good day. I was oblivious to the upset caused by the issues above..

I'm now sitting here slightly bewildered, I've been told his behaviour was bad, the two incidents mentioned were completely unacceptable and my DP can no longer be around him. This means he is no longer welcome at the home....

To be fair to my DP, he is spoilt and I have let other incidents slide and not picked up on them as much I should. I know there is a case of guilty dad syndrome inside of me (I left his mum..)..

I know he has been challenging to adults, doesn't listen, things have to be continually repeated, he has asked inappropriate questions i.e. to my DP -where do you get your money from... All these previous incidents and my lack of parenting have all snowballed to this point.

I am trying to work with my DS, I have setup a visual list of rules - do's and don't.. I am using a point system to help him see how good behaviour will earn him rewards and bad behaviour will not. I have been using this for the last few visits. I can see a slight improvement but still a way to go.

I don't want to loose my DP, I feel she is an amazing woman.. I love her completely.. but.. it appears her dislike of my son and the trauma caused by DS are to much for her..

Is there anything anyone can suggest? Advice...?

Harry's Dad...

Withholding cuddles to show displeasure sounds very cold and manipulative to me. If affection is unconditional then the child won't associate being cuddled with bad behaviour being "rewarded" anyway.

How does your son's mother feel about his behaviour? Does she have a similar parenting style to you? Does she have a new partner, and what does he think of your son? What about grandparents, family friends, teachers? All of these people are likely to be better judges of whether your son is "rude" or "naughty" than your DP if she sees so little of him.

I think your dp feels challenged and threatened by your son. There is not much you can do. If she cares enough about you it should be her to look at ways to help the situation.

I can think of two children that irritated me as much as your son seems to irritate your dp. These children were dfriends' children and because of that I made an effort and looked at myself and worked on these feelings. This doesn't mean that I had to accept bad behavior of course.

I did recognise that I was the problem. No matter how manipulative and spoilt they were, or not, they were 8 and I was the adult. And as an adult I recognised that their behaviour annoyed me because it triggered some hidden emotions. With one child I have now a great relation. The other friend moved away.

Your dp does not seem interested in doing so. She putting all the blame into your ds or/and you. Imo she either does not like you enough to challenge herself and work on improving the situation or/and she is not ready to do that. Or she tried and she can't. It is not a place to raise your child. If you feel thenegativity imagine how he feels. It is awful to know you're disliked and not wanted.

I personally would leave and let her deal with it. And you take time to build a one to one rel with your son. I think he's trying to tell you that.

Good point, Loletta. I also think the eavesdropping in plain sight is a message you should be heeding, OP. This boy doesn't know where he stands in his life. Poor lad.

Well... we have now split.. she admits she hates my DS and can't stand him when he is around.

It is apparently all my fault. I am not disciplining him correctly which makes him disrespectful and basically obnoxious. She thinks that the weekends example of him sitting in the front seat was him challenging her and that is that.

She believes that punishment should carry on to the next day.. I should carry on withholding affection.. not hug him.. just to show him I am unhappy with his behaviour. It's "tough love". Sounds crap to me.

Over the last many months we have spoken about his "behaviour" and it has never met her expectations. We talked about working on things together but he had one effort and that was enough for her.

I have attempted to adjust the way I deal with things. Break whatever patterns I have.. but my efforts are not satisfactory.

My ex-DP has had a lot of trauma in her life.. a violent and abusive mother.. abusive partners... and the challenge of having a child diagnosed severely autistic. One minute he was a normal health two year old who was learning to talk.. count.. and then he regressed. I cannot imagine how that must have been. After that she was on her own for 6 years.. just him and her.. Her two DD's would drop in and out of her life.

I'm at a loss that someone can hate a child. I mean literally hate a child. My child.

I've tried to discuss but all it does is induce a melt down in my ex-DP. I wouldn't say I'm at all qualified or can really judge.. but something seems unstable.

When you meet her... talk to her.. spend time with her... she is incredible.. but when something rocks the apple cart.. then BOOOOM!... It all goes wrong. Assumptions.. over thinking.. and I've no idea what else but it is my fault.. my son's fault.

I have accepted everything from her life.. her autistic son.. dealing with his difficulties.. screaming... shouting... hitting... throwing... It happens in private.. in public... anywhere.. It's difficult but I have always tired shown him love and affection. I even relocated to be with her.

Oh well... this really does break my heart.. I love her.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. It was really appreciated.

She hates your child. That's where it starts and finishes. You can't love your DS and love the woman that hates him at the same time. I'd assume the relationship is over and I'm sorry you're upset but I think you know you jumped into it without all the facts at your disposal with hindsight. So what's your plan now?

I'm not a huge wage earner so the basic plan now is to get some money together, find somewhere to live and move out. It's going to be very uncomfortable for a while and may take a few months.. but no other option really.

*comfortable - typo!

I think your partner is very unreasonable. If my DP parents his DD in a way I don't agree with I either talk to him about it later, or I have stepped in before and said "c'mon, time for bed" etc when he has sat back a bit too much.

Is there any chance your son could have undiagnosed special needs? Does your ex parent him better or does he play her up too?

Have you thought about attending a parenting course?

None of this helps your current situation though and I am sorry for that.

Sorry the thread has moved on. She doesn't think you should read him a bedtime story or cuddle him? That is not nice. Leave. Now.

Sorry to hear that you've broken up but it sounds like the right decision, your son must come first. Do you have to stay living with your ex-dp until you can find somewhere else?

Things that she is complaining about are completely normal I think? My friend takes about 10 minutes to leave the house and she is a 28 year old woman! And me and my older brothers used to argue about who got to sit in the front all the time, must have driven my poor Dad round the bend!

I will have to stay living with my ex-dp.. or at least until I save enough to move on an out.

She's resentful and perhaps jealous of your son, the fact that she can't give her son cuddles to be given one back must be so hard!

With respect, I think you need to get out a.s.a.p. and not wait until you save up. You're very emotionally attached to your STBX in spite of everything, it's going to be miserable living in her home on a lot of levels and you won't be able to see your DS very easily either. If you have to move into a YMCA short-term it's got to be better than sticking around this woman tormenting yourself

Oh op I'm so sorry that it's had to come to this. I'm sure you feel so very sad to split up.

But you are not the reason you've split up. It her completely unreasonable behaviour. It is not normal to say you hate a child. It's horrible. And tbh she sounds like a horrible person.

You on the other hand are taking some brave staps to protect your son and you can be proud of that. I honestly believe that, had you stayed, her disgusting attitude to your son would have killed the love you have for her stone dead. It most certainly would have for me.

Good luck. You can keep posting here for support. It's a very straightforward sensible type of support which I think you are the kind of person to appreciate

Just seen the update.

Maybe she just hates that your child is actually "normal", when hers has special needs.

But that doesn't excuse it.

Do try to find a place soon, even a flat share or a B&B.

At least you'll be able to parent your child in a loving way.

I do feel sorry for a child who has affection withdrawn for more than a few minutes for something (usually silly) that they have done.

Could you go back to your parents temporarily while you sane some money ? I am sorry it has ended this way, but you are right to make your son your priority. Carry on with the efforts you have been making to manage his behaviour, they are not wasted.

Easy choice IMO

"She believes that punishment should carry on to the next day.. I should carry on withholding affection.. not hug him.. just to show him I am unhappy with his behaviour. It's "tough love". Sounds crap to me."

And to me.

I am bristling on you and your son's behalf!