Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just a bit of advice please...?

95 replies

DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 10:30

Hi All,

First of all.. my apologies for waffling on so much...

I live with my DP and her DS who is 8 years old and severely autistic. We have been together one year and I love both very much.

My DP also has two grown up DD's both of who, I getting know and think they are great.

I have my own DS also 8 years old from a previous relationship and he stays bi-weekly weekends. I love and adore him

My DP believes that I do not parent my own son very well and because of this she does not want to be around or near him. We have had many arguments and upsets over the same subject which are generally centred his behaviour and how I deal with it.

I do hold my hands up, I probably am the worlds worst, I have in the past, let things slide, not pulled him up on things or after telling him off, hugged him five minutes later instead of being stern and resolute.

I do take on board everything my DP says and I have been trying to work on my own parenting skills as well as adjusting his behaviour. It appears I have a long way to go....

We have just got through another weekend and apart from a couple of issues I thought all was ok. Unfortunately I have been told I am wrong and that the weekend was bad, she doesn't want to be around him and that now, because of his continued behaviour (plus my bad parenting).. we are now over.

This weekend we went to the her DS's school, it was the summer fair and pretty much a great day. My DP, her DS, my DS and one of her DD's came along. Everyone seemed really happy and had fun. We all commented and said it was a really lovely day...

However this morning it appears I am completely wrong.. and the following have caused great upset..

When we went to leave to go to the school my DS rushed and tried to sit in the front passenger seat. He jumped in sat down and when my DP walked over to get in, he smiled at her. I obviously told him to out and into the back, which he did, but my DP was very offended - She has only told me how offended she was this morning.

When we arrived at the school he took a good time to actually get out of the car - to be honest, he took about 3 minutes and was completely phaffing around. The others walked off.. and then stood waiting for him while I had to bark at him to hurry up. This again, as I found out this morning, caused my DP great upset...

Once inside everything was great all the kids had fun, the adults had fun and apart from one incident where I had to pull him up on, it felt like a good day. I was oblivious to the upset caused by the issues above..

I'm now sitting here slightly bewildered, I've been told his behaviour was bad, the two incidents mentioned were completely unacceptable and my DP can no longer be around him. This means he is no longer welcome at the home....

To be fair to my DP, he is spoilt and I have let other incidents slide and not picked up on them as much I should. I know there is a case of guilty dad syndrome inside of me (I left his mum..)..

I know he has been challenging to adults, doesn't listen, things have to be continually repeated, he has asked inappropriate questions i.e. to my DP -where do you get your money from... All these previous incidents and my lack of parenting have all snowballed to this point.

I am trying to work with my DS, I have setup a visual list of rules - do's and don't.. I am using a point system to help him see how good behaviour will earn him rewards and bad behaviour will not. I have been using this for the last few visits. I can see a slight improvement but still a way to go.

I don't want to loose my DP, I feel she is an amazing woman.. I love her completely.. but.. it appears her dislike of my son and the trauma caused by DS are to much for her..

Is there anything anyone can suggest? Advice...?

Harry's Dad...

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 14:34

The more you write OP, the more unreasonable she sounds Sad

What was her response when you told her why your DS took so long to get out of the car? TBH my DD2 (11) takes an age to get out of the car sometimes. I roll my eyes and say "Chop chop!" and that's it. IT really isn't a massive thing.

It's like she's looking for something to argue with you about. How have the two of you getting on asides from this? Is this just an excuse to get rid of you?

I feel so sorry for you but hell OP you really do need to be more circumspect with your choce of partner where kids are involved. Have some time alone. Spend more time with your DS. Take time to think about what you and your son need and want - not plump for the first woman who comes your way.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 14:36

And FWIW I wouldn't "absolutely love" or find "amazing" any person who was so nasty about my child. The scales would fall from my eyes so quickly and that romantic view of them would melt away like butter in the sun

Original poster
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 14:48

BitOutOfPractive - point taken.. and it is heading the same way as your butter under the sun analogy.

OP posts:
coppertop · 14/07/2014 15:02

The kindest explanation I can think of for her behaviour is that often when you have a child with autism, you get used to everything being done in a particular way. If you find a method that works, you stick to it in the hope of avoiding meltdowns.

However, that's not your son's problem. Just as you can't be a Disney dad, your dp can't realistically expect your ds to be a Disney child. In real life, 8yr-olds have a tendency to be a PITA.

Move on. Your ds deserves better than this.

Loletta · 14/07/2014 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 15:27

Oh OP for what it's worth I think you sound like a good man, albeit a bit impetuous

I think you have some serious thinking to do and I wish you and your DS all the best. Be kind to yourself and focus on him.

And, keepposting here for sensible impartial advice

Badvoc2 · 14/07/2014 15:31

Wow.
She a piece of work isn't she?
Your son needs consistency and boundaries.
Not a grown woman throwing her toys out of the pram over minor incidents.

Badvoc2 · 14/07/2014 15:32

You are spot on...it is a massive overreaction.
She sounds jealous of hue attention you give your son.
And that is both sad and pathetic.

FreckledLeopard · 14/07/2014 15:38

I'd stop analysing and trying to justify her reactions and just accept that the relationship is done and dusted. For whatever reason, she doesn't like your son. Either you can somehow accommodate this by taking him away every other weekend (i.e. the times you have him) and keeping his apart from your DP (which is hardly reasonable or desirable), or you knock the relationship on the head.

I couldn't cope with my ex-husband's son and that was the primary reason we divorced. I really don't think I'd ever date anyone with children again (and I appreciate that makes me a little hypocritical as I'm a lone parent myself).

Maybe look for a woman without any children when you do get around to dating next time? I've found that much easier - there are far fewer expectations.

Mrsfrumble · 14/07/2014 15:51

Withholding affection as a form of punishment? She's saying that you shouldn't cuddle him if he's misbehaved or if you've told him off five minutes earlier? That's horrible.

You're best off out of it.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 15:52

Another suggestion would be that if you get in a relationship again, take some time to slowly get to know the children.

As for whether it's you or them, maybe you tend to choose similar women who tend to be strict with children. It's only a sample of two, so statistically it's meaningless.
What does your ex think of your parenting?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 16:47

For a bit of perspective, my son is 14 and the rest of the family are always waiting for him

Always last to put his shoes on, always a last minute visit to the loo/pick up stuff/forgot his Ipad/need to charge his phone/get distracted by something on the tv/forget what the fuck he is meant to be doing

it's a kid thing...I think boys take longer to grow out of it < massive sweeping generalisation >

although it's bloody exasperating at the time, especially when there has been plenty of notice what time he has to get his shit together there is no way it deserves a withdrawal of affection or a severe punishment

Original poster
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 17:11

I've got to admit he's a complete scatter brain. He needs to be reminded constantly... hurried along... and always distracted. I remember being like that.

My DP believes and feels that his is also rude (the questions and listening to telephone calls etc)... to be honest he should not be listening to calls and he's been reminded again and again. It's a source of frustration. He also like a bit of a whine and complain when he doesn't want to do something.. He can excel at that occasionally.

My Ex didn't like him either.. but she didn't like kids anyway. Her view was seen and not heard... but if not seen even better. Her issue with him was he was again.. rude.. didn't say hello all the time.. didn't always ask to use things.. and she always thought me and my DS were whispering about stuff. She was partially deaf so that didn't help.

He can exasperate the hell out of me sometimes.. so I can imagine it can be double fold for someone else. I don't get the withholding of affection... I can't imagine refusing him a hug or a cuddle... BUT... he is a clever boy.. and I can sometime he does attempt to manipulate.. i.e. just broke something.. gets reprimanded.. then 2 minutes later.. attempts to pin himself to me for a cuddle.. I'm a soppy soul so I'm ... awwww.. ok. and it's all forgotten.. Perhaps I'm my own worst enemy in this.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/07/2014 17:18

I know a lot of people with soppy hearts.

I'm not particularly, and my son always gets a cuddle after a chat about his behaviour.
He is actually quite well behaved by comparison with other children.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 17:19

And what do you mean listening to phone calls? He's 8!

Rebecca2014 · 14/07/2014 17:19

he does attempt to manipulate.. i.e. just broke something.. gets reprimanded.. then 2 minutes later.. attempts to pin himself to me for a cuddle.. I'm a soppy soul so I'm ... awwww.. ok. and it's all forgotten.. Perhaps I'm my own worst enemy in this.
***

That would drive me crazy. You cannot punish your child then a minute later give them a hug! how is he learning anything?

So what are you going to do? are you going to tell her you are thinking of separating?

Loletta · 14/07/2014 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 17:22

You cannot punish your child then a minute later give them a hug! how is he learning anything?

Why not? Withdrawal of affection is not a good parenting technique.
Children should be punished and told off, but not given the cold shoulder.
There should be consequences to the behaviour, surely, but not lack of hugs. It is the behaviour that needs to be addressed. They should know we love them anyway.

For example, for taking too long out of the car, I'd count to 3 and tell him I'd lock him in and leave if he doesn't get out. (not that I actually would, but my son knows I am consistent enough to think I'd actually carry it out)

Original poster
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 17:27

Listening to phone calls - for example he's in the garden, sitting on the swing seat, playing on the ipad.. shooting some baddie or something. The phone rings.. my DP answers.. he runs in.. stands by the door.. when she has finished the conversation.. he runs off.

When I challenged him over the incident, he cooked up an excuse.. he was trying to get a WIFI signal. Weird because it was working outside before the phone call.

He is reminded that this is not acceptable but seems not to listen and it has been repeated time and time again. It's frustrating.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 14/07/2014 17:29

But a couple of minutes later? It is just something I wouldn't personally do.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 17:29

Maybe he wants to know if she's talking about him? Does she complain a lot about him on the phone?

But I wouldn't mind it particularly. Children tend to be curious.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 17:30

If the child has already suffered the punishment, why not cuddle?
Just as long as the punishment is not waivered.

With my son he often recognises that he was wrong later, but not the minute he does something. A cuddle means that we still love each other.

Original poster
DadofHarry · 14/07/2014 17:38

My DP is like you Rebecca... No affection to show how displeased you are.. and a suitable punishment

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 17:41

She sounds very cold. You sound the opposite. Probably the right answer lies between the two.

DeMaz · 14/07/2014 17:44

OP, you do know this will only get worse the longer you're with her? Your son may grow up to blame you for allowing your DP to be so hostile towards him.