Just a bit of advice please...?

[DadofHarry]

Hi All,

First of all.. my apologies for waffling on so much...

I live with my DP and her DS who is 8 years old and severely autistic. We have been together one year and I love both very much.

My DP also has two grown up DD's both of who, I getting know and think they are great.

I have my own DS also 8 years old from a previous relationship and he stays bi-weekly weekends. I love and adore him

My DP believes that I do not parent my own son very well and because of this she does not want to be around or near him. We have had many arguments and upsets over the same subject which are generally centred his behaviour and how I deal with it.

I do hold my hands up, I probably am the worlds worst, I have in the past, let things slide, not pulled him up on things or after telling him off, hugged him five minutes later instead of being stern and resolute.

I do take on board everything my DP says and I have been trying to work on my own parenting skills as well as adjusting his behaviour. It appears I have a long way to go....

We have just got through another weekend and apart from a couple of issues I thought all was ok. Unfortunately I have been told I am wrong and that the weekend was bad, she doesn't want to be around him and that now, because of his continued behaviour (plus my bad parenting).. we are now over.

This weekend we went to the her DS's school, it was the summer fair and pretty much a great day. My DP, her DS, my DS and one of her DD's came along. Everyone seemed really happy and had fun. We all commented and said it was a really lovely day...

However this morning it appears I am completely wrong.. and the following have caused great upset..

When we went to leave to go to the school my DS rushed and tried to sit in the front passenger seat. He jumped in sat down and when my DP walked over to get in, he smiled at her. I obviously told him to out and into the back, which he did, but my DP was very offended - She has only told me how offended she was this morning.

When we arrived at the school he took a good time to actually get out of the car - to be honest, he took about 3 minutes and was completely phaffing around. The others walked off.. and then stood waiting for him while I had to bark at him to hurry up. This again, as I found out this morning, caused my DP great upset...

Once inside everything was great all the kids had fun, the adults had fun and apart from one incident where I had to pull him up on, it felt like a good day. I was oblivious to the upset caused by the issues above..

I'm now sitting here slightly bewildered, I've been told his behaviour was bad, the two incidents mentioned were completely unacceptable and my DP can no longer be around him. This means he is no longer welcome at the home....

To be fair to my DP, he is spoilt and I have let other incidents slide and not picked up on them as much I should. I know there is a case of guilty dad syndrome inside of me (I left his mum..)..

I know he has been challenging to adults, doesn't listen, things have to be continually repeated, he has asked inappropriate questions i.e. to my DP -where do you get your money from... All these previous incidents and my lack of parenting have all snowballed to this point.

I am trying to work with my DS, I have setup a visual list of rules - do's and don't.. I am using a point system to help him see how good behaviour will earn him rewards and bad behaviour will not. I have been using this for the last few visits. I can see a slight improvement but still a way to go.

I don't want to loose my DP, I feel she is an amazing woman.. I love her completely.. but.. it appears her dislike of my son and the trauma caused by DS are to much for her..

Is there anything anyone can suggest? Advice...?

Harry's Dad...

This may or may not be relevant. If you're with a child infrequently, their behaviour can spike because of a combination of awkwardness, unfamiliarity, and attention-seeking. Are you due to look after your DS for, say, a two week stretch in the holidays?

From what you've described of your DSs behaviour i think he sounds like a normal 8 year old. Yes he sounds be a bit annoying sometimes but Id love to meet an 8 year old who isn't.

Your partner is completely over reacting.

Hello I have an understanding of where your DP is coming from. I have two DSS who we have every other weekend. My DH has been very much a disney dad to the eldest and it has caused conflict in our marriage.

I would however NEVER say his children weren't welcome in our house. My problem is not with the children is with the behaviour of their father.

I think from the examples you give (which seem very trivial) there must be more to it. I have taken the approach now to not let things build up so just a little example. We had a treat of a takeaway the other night when they were here. My DDS assured me when I asked he could eat a whole fish to himself. I asked him to be sure as other wise I would cut it up to share so everyone could try some (there were only two left) he said again yes please can I have a whole one. So I gave it to him needless to say he didn't finish it. Now this is frustrating but kids will be kids no big deal my DH however made our DD and other DSS eat everything off their plate before he would allow pudding with the eldest he just took the plate away not a mention of all the food left on it. This to me is unacceptable from my DH so instead of being mad when in the kitchen out of ear shot of the children (I would never say in front of them) I told him what he had done he just looked at me and said your right I didn't even realise. No tears no fight just an acknowledgement not to do it again.

It has taken us a couple of years to get to this point before I would just be mad at him and he wouldn't know why. So my point is that if you both agree to work at it, it can work. Obviously if your partner won't meet you half way not a lot you can do. It's ridiculous to expect any parent to choose anyone over their children I have just found in my experience this doesn't need to be the choice. The choice is do you want to work at your communication to make it work (yours and your DP). Sorry for the long post I just identified with something in your post and life is never as black and white as just leave then!!!

Missteacake - thank you, it's nice to hear some has an understanding of where my DP is coming from. I can see part of her viewpoint but I do feel that this weekend has been a massive over reaction.

With that being said, I would say that that there have been many occasions that I have been "Disney Dad" too.. it's easy to do. Not seeing your kids day in day out does make you give little allowances and the benefit of the doubt sometimes. My DS has been known to take advantage of this.. and it has shown.

I'm trying really hard to keep on top of things and realising the "Disney Dad" aspect is really important. It easy to fall into it..hence why I am try to follow a set of rules with my DS.

I am due to look after my DS for a week during the school holidays. We were all going to go away but my DP no longer wants to come.

I think you should go away by yourself with DS

Have you anywhere else to live at present ?

Assuming all is precisely as reported, no question, the OP should leave. I feel fairly certain if a woman came on here and said her male partner behaved like this, we'd say she should kick him out.

Yup, it looks as if it is a trip by ourselves... and it will be great fun.
No where else to go through so it's going to be tough.

Deary me, what a mess. Act in haste etc...

What about where you lived before ? Could you go back there. don't tell if was with another woman

I literally relocated... to be with this person. I will need to find somewhere to rent first and then head back to the same area.

You and your partner both have 8 year old sons. I wonder if all the issues come down to the fact that it's hard for your partner to see an NT 8 year old boy, who will inevitably underline the difficulties that her son faces every day.

Were you living alone before ?

Jee, I think she has come to terms with her sons conditions. She is a great mum her own DS. It's mine she has the issues with.

I pretty much jumped from one relationship to another... via my parents home.. which to be honest was stupid..sigh! There was a couple months gap and I didn't take the time to re-establish myself first.

That's what I thought

So, now you know what you need to do

I have a couple of nephews that are hard work. I have never refused to have them overnight and will deal with them if necessary even if I may not fully agree with how their parents deal with them.

Your DP is in a different position, but she does sound very unreasonable. She may have had much easier children and her expectations may be too high.

I think it is easy to judge this woman without hearing her side of the story. Yes she did overreact over the weekend, but If she has had problems with his behaviour before she may be worried you may be letting things slip back to how they were.

It is very hard being a step parent, especially more so if the father is a 'disney' dad who has allowed his child to be a brat.

It sounds like you do not really care if the relationship ends "I choose my son." "Yup, it looks as if it is a trip by ourselves... and it will be great fun."

Go your separate ways.

I don't think that it is that he doesn't care

More so that she leaves him no (real) choice

But yes, separate ways it is

I just had a "chat" with her..

She is fuming - "Why did you let him take so long getting out of the car? You are not dealing with his behaviour...... We had to wait 3 minutes.. He always take so long. It's unacceptable...."... she went on a bit..

She then said how bad it was for him to sit in the front seat of the car.. "Why would he do that?.. I am not dealing with behaviour... challenging me...."... she went on a bit more..

Definitely not a fan of my boy.. It freaks me out to think how easy these situations are to deal with, yet they have become huge mountains.

I did tell her... "My DS got stuck in the car, the dreaded child locks and he was clambering about trying to get out... I went back.. opened the rear car door and he then clambered back to where I had opened the door.. They (my DP, her DS and her DD) had to wait. Of course this explanation wasn't good enough.. even if it was factual.. and I didn't even pay much attention to it. I didn't think it was a massive issue."..

I can't even comment on the sitting in the front.. the more I think about it.. the more ridiculous it sounds. Just tell him (which I did)... move it!

Also... she didnt like me cuddling him.. or letting him watch the footy to half time on Saturday.. Also reading him a bedtime story... bad! He shouldn't have them.. Especially since I needed to reprimand him for not eating properly at dinner time. I stopped him playing on the PC.. but it obviously wasn't enough. More punishment was needed. It's beginning to sound draconian.

Jeeze...!

Ups, I let my 9 year old watch the full game yesterday.

And cuddle him a lot.

Must be doing something wrong, obviously.

Different people are comfortable with different things.
It is clear that you have different views on parenting and discipline and it can be a big problem if you are willing to compromise and be more strict but she isn't.

Right, you need to formulate where you are going to go and take steps to leave this relationship as soon as possible.

That's what I'd say to someone of either gender based on what you are telling us. This will not be a healthy relationship to bring your child into, even if it's every other weekend.

You've realised now that you jumped into this too quickly. But you can solve that problem. You are also trying to do your best about your child's behaviour and, quite honestly, what you've said to us is the sort of things 8-yr olds do.

She didnt like you reading him a bedtime story? She's making offence where there is none. Fuck that for a gaggle of monkeys. Bin her.

Rebecca - sure I care.. I care a lot and I love my DP very much. It's just difficult to understand the anger towards my son's weekend behaviour. It feel like a massive over reaction.

There have been behaviours issues in the past which I haven't been on top of. I am trying to improve my parenting skills so that I can better father and ensure my son is both happy and a more balanced individual. It's still a work in progress.

If someone is telling you, someone you love, doesn't want to be near your child and doesn't like them, then it doesn't give you a huge amount of options.

It is hard being a step parent, I am one to a severely autistic child. Incredibly challenging and lots of understanding and love is needed.

I would much prefer we all went on holiday together but if someone refuses to go then I'll make the best and ensure me and DS have a great time.