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Original poster

Pay off DPs debts?

71 replies

Trackandfieldmouse · 13/07/2014 21:18

I've been aware for a while that DP has credit card debts, some from before we met and some accrued since.

DP has a fairly low paid job and the debt is an accumulation of little shortfalls at the end of each month for the last couple of years.

We live together in the property I bought before we met. I pay the mortgage and bills. Food is about 50:50.

Today I accidentally opened a credit card statement. I honestly thought it was another letter for me. £4000 and the minimum payment DP has been making doesn't even cover the interest. I'm not impress tbh.

But I could pay it off. I have a reasonably well paid job and savings. I don't like the idea that the debt is just growing. Nor that DP hasn't spoken to me about it.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 13/07/2014 21:20

If you do pay it off, how long do you think it will be before he runs up more debts? Particularly as it sounds like he has been at least partially hiding he extent of the debt.

If he has shortfalls every month, he is living beyond his means.

ohthatsokthen · 13/07/2014 21:22

No, no and no. Its his responsibility and I would be worried that he hasn't mentioned it.

lalalonglegs · 13/07/2014 21:22

Is he not discussing the debt because he doesn't want to upset you or is he simply not bothered by it? If he is living beyond his means while not paying any rent/mortgage/utility costs, then he's really got to think about working in another sector.

I think paying off his debts would create an unhealthy dependency.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 13/07/2014 21:24

No. And don't marry him til they're paid off

Lovingfreedom · 13/07/2014 21:25

Why would you pay his debts? No!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/07/2014 21:25

How in the world is he living beyond his means if he has no mortgage / rent and no bills?

mousmous · 13/07/2014 21:27

no no no
his debt his problem.
don't pay, don't let him on the mortgage

PhoebeMcPeePee · 13/07/2014 21:27

If the only thing your DH pays for is 50% of food bills & works FT then how on earth is he not making the required debt repayments. I'd start off by confronting him about the bill you opened in error & ask exactly what he's spending his money on Confused. I certainly wouldn't advise paying it off when he's not taking any responsibility or you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of debt & misery Hmm

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 13/07/2014 21:28

No

No

No

No no no no no no no.

He is irresponsible with money.

That is not a problem for you to solve - you won't. You certainly won't do anything except enable him to become even shitter with money if you bail him out.

He's already basically living off you. His outgoings are as minimal as can be - and what's happening? He's still accruing debt. He's still living beyond his means.

Ok, he has what you call a 'fairly low paid' job... but seriously. The only living costs he is covering is his food. Are you honestly saying that he is so poorly paid that 50% of a household food bill a month plus a few incidentals eats up all his wage? If not - and he would have to be AMAZINGLY poorly paid for that to be the case - he is still living beyond his means. More than that, he's not taking advantage of the fact that YOU mostly pay his way in order to pay off his debts. No, they are still rising. Message: 'I'm happy being in debt, I don't need to worry - Track will look after me'.

Think seriously about what kind of long term partner this guy is going to make. You're shouldering most of the burden and he's doing nothing but adding to it, invisibly. He's keeping important things from you. Most of all, he cannot manage his money and live within his means.

hollycomputer · 13/07/2014 21:31

Don't just pay it off. The fact he hasn't told you about it indicates (to me anyway) that he's keeping his financial affairs secret. I'd be asking what he is spending on and trying to work out how he can live within his means. It doesn't have to be accusatory, just a general look at your joint finances.

If you earn a lot more than him, have you looked at your 50:50 split? I earned more than DH for a while and we adjusted the joint bills accordingly so he wasn't left short after paying the mortgage and bills. It could be that he doesn't like having less disposable income - DH didn't like asking me for contributions (no matter how often I said it was fine and he should just tell me how much I owed him) so I made sure I transferred it to his account first.

Lovingfreedom · 13/07/2014 21:34

Isn't it up to him whether he has debts or not and how he deals with them?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/07/2014 21:35

Are you crazy???!??? Don't even think about it.

sydlexic · 13/07/2014 21:36

If you at partners then you share, pay all bill including his card from the communal pot unless there is unreasonable spending on gambling or similar.

Only1scoop · 13/07/2014 21:38

So you pay mortgage and bills and he just buys some food....and now you consider paying his huge debts off....

Are you mad?

Ps sounds like a great arrangement can I move in?

ClashCityRocker · 13/07/2014 21:38

Hang on, he's only paying for fifty percent of the food, and no bills?

Even at minimum wage, he should have a good chunk left for paying of debts/savings etc.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/07/2014 21:40

No, I wouldn't. I think you need to have a frank discussion about it though.

Vivacia · 13/07/2014 21:42

It's his business. How would you bring it up? "I opened your private mail, read all about your financial situation, feel that it's my business and insist that you talk to me about it"?

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/07/2014 21:47

No, just don't do it.

Pickledradish · 13/07/2014 21:48

He's crap with money and you are subsidizing him big time.

What is he spending it on - have you any idea?

Don't pay off his debts, he'll just borrow more and piss it up the wall.

ClashCityRocker · 13/07/2014 21:49

Assuming you are planning a future with this man which might or might not involve marriage and kids, then yes, I think it is your business too.

Particularly if he has not got enough money coming in to service the debts and is unlikely to have in the near future. It's certainly worth a chat about, helping him get himself in a position to pay off his debts - don't pay them yourself though.

Pickledradish · 13/07/2014 21:49

Communal pot? No no no!

PhoebeMcPeePee · 13/07/2014 21:50

Vivacia I don't think a "DH I opened this by mistake & think we need to sit down for a chat" is really that difficult or terrible. Better than ignoring the situation & letting him continue freeloading without a thought to op

campingfilth · 13/07/2014 21:50

NO NO NO I did this and it was the biggest mistake I ever did. I ended up paying out a fortune and paying off loans and was really seen off for him to go fuck someone else when I ran out of money to keep subsidising him. He moved onto the next woman who could pay off his debts leaving me with a loan taken out in my name only to cover his bills.

he is seriously taking you for a ride.

Original poster
Trackandfieldmouse · 13/07/2014 21:53

Thank you all for responding. I'm new to MN and didn't really expect a single response tbh. I sincerely appreciate the feedback.

DP is a female, though that doesn't make a fundamental difference.

As I said in the OP, I was aware of some credit card debts but not the extent and the actual amount shocked me.

I agree I need to speak to DP and together get to the bottom of where DP's wage is going. I expect financial mismanagement is a lot to blame I.e just making a minimum payment and ignoring it.

Which is why I ask should i help? If not pay it off, then help somehow to avoid avoid £100 odd wasted on credit card interest unnecessarily each month.

OP posts:
YvyB · 13/07/2014 21:54

Don't. Been there, done that. After I'd paid for everything he could possibly think off, he buggered off leaving me holding the wedding dress and his 3 daughters' bridesmaid dresses (yup, I paid for them too). Boy, did he see me coming.

Took me 36 years to work out that if a bloke didn't have what I managed to provide for myself (despite being a single mum) then he either a) wasn't working as hard as I was or b) he was crap with money.

Was so obvious once I sat down and thought about it!