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Relationships

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Original poster

Pay off DPs debts?

71 replies

Trackandfieldmouse · 13/07/2014 21:18

I've been aware for a while that DP has credit card debts, some from before we met and some accrued since.

DP has a fairly low paid job and the debt is an accumulation of little shortfalls at the end of each month for the last couple of years.

We live together in the property I bought before we met. I pay the mortgage and bills. Food is about 50:50.

Today I accidentally opened a credit card statement. I honestly thought it was another letter for me. £4000 and the minimum payment DP has been making doesn't even cover the interest. I'm not impress tbh.

But I could pay it off. I have a reasonably well paid job and savings. I don't like the idea that the debt is just growing. Nor that DP hasn't spoken to me about it.

OP posts:

nauticant · 13/07/2014 23:18

Do you know what she's spending their money on OP?

Try to get her to agree for you both to sit down together and have a discussion in which you go through her financial situation and agree on a plan in which she'll be covering the interest and paying something off each month. This can serve two purposes, you can find out how solvable the problem is and you can see whether she's willing to take responsibility for herself.

If you get a sense that she's not willing to take responsibility for herself, then you need to think about walking away.

ouryve · 13/07/2014 23:27

I spent the best part of a decade scrabbling around to organise finances whilst ExH just bought what he liked, when he liked.

She has a roof over her head, for free, so is in a good position to work on reducing the debt with your organisational help, maybe. If she's still increasing it, then you paying it off isn't going to help her, I'm afraid. Do you even know for sure that this is her only credit card?

Preciousbane · 13/07/2014 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Egghead68 · 13/07/2014 23:36

No. Cuntlodger.

BadLad · 14/07/2014 02:33

Is this the same relationship where one partner couldn't afford the expensive hair styles they needed because they were buying lots of cigarettes?

Joysmum · 14/07/2014 06:32

I'd only pay it off if you could be sure if the extent of her debts.

You'd need to be fully sure that this won't be repeated.

I've a family member with a history of debt. They've been baled out in one form or another for serious amount of money 3 times now. So if you decide to help, make sure it is helping rather than enabling.

WildBillfemale · 14/07/2014 07:17

DO NOT PAY OF THEIR DEBTS. They will never learn to manage money if someone else pays them off. The will just run up new ones.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2014 13:06

Can I just check... there are no children involved here? DP is not unable to make ends meet because she's single-handedly funding DC? That would make things a little different. If it's just two adults, both of whom work (albeit one low paid), I'm inclined towards the "needs to sort her own shit out" approach.

campingfilth · 14/07/2014 13:08

Again do not even think of paying if off or paying anything towards it. She is taking you for a ride but not contributing to living in your house fairly.

Johnogroats · 14/07/2014 13:26

10 years ago a friend of mine met the woman of his dreams. She had a large credit card debt. He helped her with it. They married and had 3 children. A marriage made in heaven?

Over the course of the marriage, she kept spending. He was a high earner (about 100k), but she could not keep to budgets. She said he was controlling when he tried to explain that x went on the mortgage, and y went on Sainsbury...etc. Most of the time she was a SAHM and had full access to the joint account.

So to cut a long story short, 10 years down the line, she has left him for someone who won't be "so controlling". During that time they have had several mortgage increases (and now owe the bank more than they did 10 years ago)...which is indicative of the fact that they were living well beyond their means. She is a spoilt, entitled and very selfish woman.

OP - I would suggest a conversation with DP about attitudes to money should be high on your list of priorities.

HumblePieMonster · 14/07/2014 13:34

I'm straight, but would be open to offers from either gender or none if they were willing to pay off all my debts.

galiamelon · 14/07/2014 14:13

DH paid off my debts once we got married and got a joint account. Our finances have been entirely joint since then so it would make as much sense as an individual keeping lots of savings while having high-interest debts - it just prevented us from making progress in our financial goals. He never expected me to make repayments to him - he said it didn't make sense as it was just coming out of the joint pot.

I have never gone back into debt and in fact have encouraged DH to make some wise investment/budgeting decisions over the years. My debts built up due to medical/legal circumstances and I don't regret doing that, since the eventual return on it was about 100x the debt. Not all debt is due to living beyond one's means or frivolous spending.

LongTimeLurking · 14/07/2014 14:18

I wouldn't do this at all.

The most likely scenario is you will clear off the debt and never get the money back. This is is OK if you are in a long term relationship/married, happy with this and can afford it.

However, what usually follows is the 'spender' in the relationship then gradually runs up the debt all over again and in 2-3 years time you are back at square one, but with huge amounts of bitterness and resentment and no progress to show for it.

Offer help with budgets, offer to take over slightly more than 50% of the bills so they can pay the debt off faster, offer help finding her a second part time job. But don't pay the debt off out of your savings.

And FGS don't get any joint finances at all - bank accounts, credit cards, rental contracts, etc.

BeCool · 14/07/2014 14:22

He is living beyond his means and he isn't even paying rent!!!

If you pay it off nothing changes. he needs to deal with this. I paid off some debt for XP - nothing changed and I regret doing it. he just ran up more debt, in secret too.

I would not entangle my finances with someone like this. He really needs to live within his means, and that includes paying off the debt.

BeCool · 14/07/2014 14:24

Why pay £100 odd quid each month to cc unnecessarily?
Um because he has CHOSEN to get into this debt and not really focused on paying it off.

best he could do is a cheap/zero balance transfer and pay it off as a priority. But he probably won't.

BeCool · 14/07/2014 14:25

sorry should read SHE!

Wooodpecker · 14/07/2014 14:30

If you are paying the mortgage and bills what exactly is he paying for?

Wooodpecker · 14/07/2014 14:32

If you are paying the mortgage and bills what exactly is he/she paying for?

Pickledradish · 14/07/2014 14:43

Your partner needs to budget and pay off the debt herself.

It might mean her cutting down on nights out, fancy hairdressing and shopping trips.

It's not descending into miserliness, it's cutting back of the frittering and being sensible.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2014 14:43

Why pay 100 odd quid each month to cc unnecessarily?
Absolutely.
So get her to look up 'Martins Money Tips' on-line.
There will be many credit card companies where you can move to the them and move any other CC bils to them and not pay interest for 12-18 months - depending on the deal.
She needs to learn how to manage her money.
You would never be sure again that she wasn't building up more debt though!
I wouldn't pay it.

lavenderhoney · 14/07/2014 16:51

Christ, no. Keep everything separate, and if she buys food let her do it, not pay you the money. It could look like contributing to the mortgage.

It would concern me it would affect my credit rating.

Also, you're being taken for a ride. Have you seen her bank account or is that online? She could let you pay it and have savings. Your financial arrangements are very one sided and not in your favour.

I expect if you asked her to contribute and pay rent ( not towards the mortgage!) she would find someone else pdq to keep her. Maybe.

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